I Can't Make You Love Me, but I Can Make You Leave

by Dixie Cash

  Alarm shot through Debbie Sue. She hadn’t thought of Mike running.

  “What do you mean left?”

  “Left. Scrammed. He’s gone.”

  “Did he tell her where he was headed?”

  “To pick up Valetta Rose at her job and from there, I have no idea.”

  “Crap! Dammit, Bob, this whole ball of twine is about to come unwound. Where does Valetta Rose work?”

  “McAllister’s Funeral Home. When she got back to Nashville, they hired her back to do makeup on the deceased.”

  “McAllister’s? Isn’t that the name of the place we just came from?”

  “The very one.”

  “Well at least I know how to get there. Bob, follow me.”

  “Wait a minute. I came here so that Vic and Buddy could go stop them.”

  “Well, Vic and Buddy aren’t here, Bob, so it looks like all there is between Darla and prison time, or worse, is Ed and me. Come on.”

  Walking back into the living room with Bob in tow, Debbie Sue said, “Mom, I can’t go into all the details, but Ed and I have got to go.”

  “What?” Edwina asked. “Where are we going, I haven’t finished my beer.”

  “What’s going on, sweetheart?” Virginia asked.

  “Mom, this is Bob Denman. Bob, my mom, Virginia. Bob can fill you in on the details, Mom. I don’t have time. But you’ve got to trust me. Now both of you, when Buddy and Vic get back, tell them Ed and I are downstairs in the gift shop.”

  “But honey, I’m not going to lie—”

  “I haven’t told you where we’re going. For all you know the gift shop is our destination. Bob, loan me your car keys.”

  “Of course.” He pulled his keys out of his pants pocket. “And here’s the valet ticket, but—”

  “Come on, Ed,” Debbie Sue ordered, grabbing her purse.

  “Super. Let me get my purse, too. I spotted a purse in that shop just loaded with turquoise stones and beads. It practically called my name when I went past it!”

  Before anyone had time to offer up more questions, Debbie Sue grabbed Edwina by the arm, ushered her out of the room and fast-walked her up the hallway toward the elevator. All the while the crazy woman continued to prattle on about the purse in the gift shop.

  The elevator door opened and Debbie Sue pushed her inside. “Ed, forchristsake, we are not going to the gift shop.”

  “Then where are we going?”

  “You have to trust me,” Debbie Sue said, watching the floor numbers descend.

  “Oh, no,” Edwina said moving back to a corner. “Every time you start out with that trust me shit I end up praying like there’s no tomorrow.”

  “We’re going back to the funeral home.”

  “Give me one good reason for that?”

  “I’ll give you two. Mike and Valetta Rose are about to leave for God knows where. They’re on the run and we’re gonna stop them.”

  “Debbie Sue, we cannot do that. We cannot stop two people who are dead set on leaving. We can’t—”

  Debbie Sue grabbed Edwina by each shoulder and turned her to face her. “Repeat after me, Edwina Perkins-Martin. There is nothing the Domestic Equalizers cannot do, have not done before and would not do again given the chance.”

  Edwina looked at Debbie Sue’s face, her brown eyes wide and unblinking. “We’re going to die in Nashville and go back to Texas in a flower vase.”

  “Good enough,” Debbie Sue declared.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Debbie Sue broke at least a dozen laws racing back to McAllister’s Funeral Home—speeding, cutting corners, going the wrong way on a one-way street and failing to make a complete stop at a red light, just to name a few. Once she even flew through a bay at a corner gas station to avoid a red light.

  Bracing a hand against the dashboard to steady herself, Edwina asked, “Do you know if we’re going in the right direction?”

  “Look around us, Ed. Don’t you remember seeing any of this?”

  “We’re going too fast for me to look around. Do you even know what we’re gonna do when we get there? I doubt our saying, ‘We’d really rather you not leave’ is going to persuade them.”

  “Dammit, Ed, could you try to be more positive? Right now I’m going on adrenaline and working from pure gut instinct. A little reinforcement would go a long way.”

  “Trust me, Dippity-do, you do not want to hear what I’m positive of at this moment.”

  “There it is!” Debbie Sue suddenly shouted. “Right up there on the left. Oh, my God, I’ve got my own built-in GPS.” She careened into the parking lot. “Great, there’s only one car in front.”

  “Go to the back,” Edwina said.

  Debbie Sue wheeled around the corner of the building and saw another parked car. “With any luck, these two cars belong to Mike and Valetta Rose.”

  She rounded the building toward the front and screeched to a stop in the portico. “I’ll stay here. You go around back,” she told Edwina. “That way they can’t get past us.” She grabbed her cell phone from her purse.

  “I’ve got a better idea,” Edwina said, digging out her own phone. “Let’s stay together and with any luck they’ll get past us.”

  Debbie Sue gripped Edwina’s forearm. “Dammit, Ed, don’t say that. Just keep repeating, ‘We’re the Domestic Equalizers. We are professionals and we’re on a mission to save Darla.’ Got it?”

  “I feel more like Lucy and Ethel,” Edwina grumbled. “And I’m not sure we can even save ourselves.”

  “You’re my partner, Ed. I have to know I can depend on you. Otherwise, we go back to the Gaylord and keep our fingers crossed for Darla and hope it all turns out okay.”

  “If it doesn’t, we can always send her a Christmas fruitcake with a file inside.”

  “C’mon, Ed. We’ve been in worse situations,” Debbie Sue said.

  Chastened, Edwina bit her lip. “You’re right, Debbie Sue. I’m sorry. Having Vic around makes me act all girly. I tend to want to step back and let him take care of everything. You know, kill the big bug, check under the bed for the bogeyman.”

  “That’s okay, Ed. I do the same thing. But Vic and Buddy aren’t here. You know what that means, don’t you?”

  “Lemme guess. We have to strap on our Wonder Woman bracelets and go fight the bogeyman?”

  “You got it.” Debbie Sue opened the driver’s door. “You and I are the only ones available to fight the bogeyman.”

  “I was afraid you were gonna say that. Okay, I’m ready. Let me at that fucker.” Edwina scooted out of the SUV and started for the rear of the building, her platform shoe soles clacking against the pavement.

  Debbie Sue called after her, “Keep your phone handy, in case I need to contact you.”

  “Likewise,” Ed yelled back and disappeared around the corner of the building.

  Debbie Sue approached the front door and turned the knob, found it unlocked. She stepped back and studied the building, checking for other entrances or exits, but saw none. This door appeared to be the only way in on this side of the building.

  As she approached the door again, before she even put her hand on the knob, it opened with a whoosh and there stood Valetta Rose. Both Debbie Sue and the younger woman froze, their eyes locked on each other. Then the door slammed and Debbie Sue heard the snicks and clacks of door locks.

  Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. “Hey! Open up!” Teeth gritted, Debbie Sue pounded the door with her fist, but to no avail.

  How could she have just stood there? She and Valetta Rose both had been caught off guard, but the other woman had reacted, while she, Debbie Sue, super-detective, had just stood like a dunce.

  She had to warn Edwina. She grabbed the cell phone from her pocket and punched in the single digit to call Edwina. Pick up, pick up, pick up, she prayed. The phone rang and rang. When Edwina didn’t pick up, Debbie Sue broke into a dead run around the corner of the building.

  Edwina’s voice came through the phone. “This is Edwina Pe
rkins-Martin. Leave a message and keep it clean.”

  A sense of relief washed over Debbie Sue, but it was quickly replaced by dread when she saw no Edwina at the back of the building, near the back door or otherwise. The only thing present was her cell phone lying on the ground, speaker function engaged.

  Debbie Sue picked up the phone and a fear she had rarely felt burned through her system. Edwina had not disappeared on her own accord. That much was certain. Debbie Sue’s thoughts tumbled like numbers in a Bingo cage. Should she call Buddy? God help her, should she call Vic? The reality was that at this moment, it was her, and only her, who could help her best friend.

  And with that fact came a white hot anger. How dare some cute little number who knew tricks with makeup threaten Edwina? Yessir, Debbie Sue was going in. Going after her friend, and there had better not be a single dyed hair on her head lost or even out of place. Debbie Sue Overstreet, Domestic Equalizer, was a force to be reckoned with and she reckoned now was as good a time as any to prove it.

  She drew a deep breath and eased the door open. Seeing nothing but a dim hallway, the same one she had walked up just an hour before with her husband and friends, she stole through the doorway and pressed her back to the wall, allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness. The place was quiet as a tomb. Oooh, bad turn of phrase, Debbie Sue.

  The clovelike fragrance of carnations gave her the heebie-jeebies. She was trembling inside. She reminded herself that it wasn’t the departed souls she needed to fear, but the very much alive living and breathing human beings who could cause her bodily harm.

  She pried her body from the wall and began moving furtively from door to door, peeking cautiously inside each doorway before proceeding. She was almost all the way through the building and nearing the front door when she heard a noise. It had come from behind a door marked: NOT AN EXIT—EMPLOYEES ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT.

  She gulped. Since she hadn’t found a room she could define as the corpse preparation area, there was a good chance it was located behind this door. She had no idea what she might encounter in there—blood and other bodily fluids, embalming fluid, a gathering of corpses, coffins.

  And possibly Edwina.

  She reached for the doorknob as if it were a hot iron, couldn’t believe it was unlocked. She pushed it open, cringed as the hinges creaked. She paused and waited for an alarm to go off announcing an intruder, but she heard no sound save two people, male and female, distinctly arguing.

  She had no weapon, couldn’t spot an object to use as one. If they were planning to run, how could she stop them? With a threat? A really nasty, harsh look? And at that moment, she faced that her pride wasn’t worth Edwina’s safety. She would utilize any means she could to save her best friend. Dammit, she was calling Buddy.

  She dug her phone from her jacket pocket and cursed silently at the message: No Signal. She had to retreat, return possibly all the way outside until she got reception on her phone.

  Reaching behind herself, she found the doorknob and opened the door slowly, inching back into the hallway from where she had just come. She checked her phone again for a signal. A slight noise made her look up, but all she saw was a white cloth approaching her face and then . . .

  Blackness.

  Debbie Sue awoke with a splitting headache. She attempted to move, but quickly realized she was flat on her back on a table with her arms strapped down and her legs tied together at the ankles. Good God, she had been unconscious, but she had no idea how long. “What the fuck?” she mumbled.

  “Hey, kiddo, got a headache?”

  Debbie Sue turned her head to her left, toward the voice she recognized. Lying within a foot of her was Edwina, similarly restrained, but alive and well and not a hair out of place. “Ed!”

  “I feel like somebody used my head for a basketball,” Edwina said.

  Debbie Sue began to cry, relieved to find her best friend alive and well and for the mess they were now in and for the damned headache that felt like a bass drum pounding inside her skull.

  “Don’t cry,” Edwina said. “It’ll only make the headache worse.”

  Debbie Sue sniffled. “Are you all right, Ed?”

  “I don’t know. For sure, I know now how a turkey feels on Thanksgiving.”

  “How long have I been out?”

  “I dunno. Maybe fifteen minutes.”

  “That’s all? Where—”

  “Debbie Sue, are you all right?” A female voice asked.

  She turned her head to see Valetta Rose wringing her hands, her youthful face a picture of concern.

  “Valetta Rose,” Debbie Sue cried. “Are you the one who did this? Why? Let us go and—”

  “And you’ll have the cops here so fast it’ll make your head spin faster than it already is,” Mike said, walking up behind Valetta Rose.

  “Mike! Mike, let us go,” Edwina said. “We didn’t come here to hurt you.”

  “Bullshit. There’s no other reason for you to be here.”

  “No, no,” Debbie Sue said. “We only came to talk, to find out what happened to Roxie.”

  A long silence. Debbie Sue waited for his explanation, but none came.

  She pressed forward. “We know it was an accident, Mike.”

  “Of course it was an accident,” Mike spat. “Who in their right mind premeditates murder with a fingernail file?”

  Debbie Sue could see Valetta Rose pacing. “Valetta Rose, you’re just a kid. You haven’t done anything. Stay here. Let Mike run.”

  “Hon,” Edwina chimed in, “take my old war horse’s advice and don’t tie yourself to a man in trouble. He’ll only take you down with him.”

  The two hostage-takers exchanged looks Debbie Sue couldn’t read, but before she could say more, the white cloth was coming toward her again.

  Then there was blackness.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Debbie Sue came around again. She had been drugged for the second time with what she could only guess was ether. Her head was splitting down the middle, her arms and legs were still bound and this time she had a gag in her mouth. Though she was conscious, she was lying in pitch darkness. She turned her head and saw nothing. No Edwina, no Mike and no Valetta Rose.

  Why was it so dark? Had she been out long enough for the entire day to have passed? Something smooth and cool surrounded her. Then it dawned on her where she was. She was in a coffin! She screamed, but no sound came out.

  Some time later, Debbie Sue had thrashed herself into exhaustion, trying to make enough noise to get someone’s attention. No one had come to her rescue and worse yet, she heard nothing but her own sounds. Where was Edwina?

  Despite her confinement, Debbie Sue was breathing easily. If she were buried, that wouldn’t be possible, would it? Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her to keep herself from losing it altogether.

  As with every bad situation in which she found herself, she tried to think of something positive to offset the bad. All she could think of was that it was a plus in her favor that she wasn’t claustrophobic.

  Suddenly “The Eyes of Texas” blasted from her pocket. She still had her cell phone with her. She couldn’t reach it, but when the music stopped, the sweetest sound she had ever heard warmed her heart. “Debbie Sue, where the hell are you? Call me back.” It was Buddy. Her dear sweet Buddy.

  Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and pooled in her ears. Call me back. Such a simple request. If only she could comply.

  Eventually she slept again. She was now dreaming, looking up into the face of her beloved husband. He was stroking her hair away from her face, kissing her lips. Edwina was there too. Her makeup was smudged and her beehive hair was hanging lopsided, but she was smiling. All at once Debbie Sue realized she was returning Edwina’s smile. Her gag was gone. Her arms and legs were no longer restrained. “Am I dreaming?”

  She reached up for Buddy.

  “You’re awake all right,” Buddy said. “Jesus, Flash, let me get you out of there. I can’t stand seeing you in
a damned coffin.” He scooped her up, lifted her and held her against his chest. She could feel his beating heart. Oh, thank you, God.

  Debbie Sue’s senses were coming alive. Her head was slowly clearing and with the awakening came a dread. She turned her gaze from her husband to her friend. “Ed? You okay?”

  “Shit,” Edwina said. “I’ll never be able to sleep on satin sheets again.”

  Just then, she spotted Mike and Valetta Rose sitting in separate chairs, ankles cinched together with plastic flex-cuffs and hands behind their backs. Vic stood over them, his muscular legs slightly apart, in line with his wide shoulders, his brawny arms crossed over his chest.

  “You two!” Debbie Sue screeched, pointing a finger. “Buddy, arrest them! No, wait, shoot them! Just shoot them!” She tried to scramble from Buddy’s arms. He lost his grip on her and she fell back into the coffin. A stab of pain shot from temple to temple. She cradled her head with her hands. “Aarrgh, my head is killing me.”

  Buddy reached for her again and Debbie Sue allowed him to lift her out and sit her carefully down on a love seat positioned against the wall. “Where are we?” she asked, looking around the room that was decorated in heavy blue velvet draperies. “Ed, don’t you have a headache?”

  “No, it must be the perm solutions. I’ve been smelling them for a lot more years than you have. Guess I’ve worked up an immunity.”

  “This is the sales room,” Valetta Rose said through sniffles. “Grieving family members come in here to pick out the coffins for the deceased. I wasn’t going to let anything happen to you. I was going to call Mr. McAllister when we got out of town and—”

  “Don’t say anything else,” Mike barked.

  “What does it matter now, Mike? How much more trouble could we be in?”

  “Best take your girlfriend’s advice, Mike,” Buddy said. “I’m hauling you two back to Texas. You’re looking at a murder charge. Add assault and kidnapping and with any Texas jury, that’ll get you the death penalty.”

  “Go ahead and let the law deal with the woman, Buddy.” Vic’s baritone voice echoed off the walls. “I’ll take this dude outside and give him my own brand of justice.”