I Am Yours (Heartbeat #3)

by Faith Sullivan

  “No, I’m not afraid of you, Brian. Not now. I just had never done anything like that with a guy before. It was all so new to me. Talk about having zero experience.” I grimace, fumbling over what to say next.

  “You’re kidding, right?” he asks worriedly.

  “No, you were my first kiss,” I admit softly.

  “Oh God.” He berates himself, thumping the side of his head against the window. “What exactly did I do to you? I know I touched you down there, but we didn’t…?”

  “No, that’s as far as it went. But I felt uncomfortable, and the things you were doing to me…hurt.” I close my eyes, trying to forget.

  “Katie, I swear I didn’t know. I thought that’s what you wanted. Usually, when I meet a girl at a bar and she gets in my car, she knows what she’s getting herself into. I intend on doing stuff with her, and she’s cool with it. But you had no idea, did you?” He tilts his head, glancing at me, his eyes overflowing with regret.

  “I was nervous, but initially when I asked you to stop, you didn’t. You just kept going.” I concentrate on the numbers on the dashboard clock. I can’t look at him right now. “You said that you wanted to go a little deeper, a little farther, and then it would be all right. It would get better, but it didn’t. You didn’t listen to me when I said I didn’t like it.”

  “I must’ve gotten carried away. I never meant to hurt you, Katie,” he pleads, and I can tell his remorse is genuine.

  “I think what was holding me back was that I needed to hear you apologize. But you took my number then never called. I felt so used. I hated myself for what you did to me. I really needed you to admit that you went too far and didn’t respect my boundaries.” I can feel my tears building up, ready to fall.

  “I never call any of the girls that I hook up with, Katie. It wasn’t just you. I mean, I had a girlfriend. They’re only meant to be a one-night kind of thing. It wasn’t anything personal. Even if we’d had mind-blowing sex, I still wouldn’t have called you. That’s just how these things work—no strings, no attachments.” He’s giving me a spiel of excuses instead of making amends.

  “That’s why you have to forget about Jada.” I hit him where he’s most vulnerable and he doesn’t see it coming.

  “What?” He blanches, evidently thrown off guard.

  “You heard me. You don’t love her. You’re just fooling around with her, amusing yourself. Just like you did with me.” I try not to show how bitter I am, but I can’t stand how casual he’s being about all of this. Sex isn’t some kind of game, no matter how much he thinks it is.

  “Katie, c’mon. You were drunk. I was drunk. It was never meant to be anything serious. But what I have with Jada is different.” His words sting, picking the scab of a wound that won’t heal.

  “Really? When you know she’s in love with your brother?” He may be fooling himself, but he’s not fooling me.

  “She’s practically over him. All she needs is some quality time with me and she’ll forget all about Adam.” The smugness in his tone is so irritating.

  “You need to back off, okay? What part of ’hands off’ don’t you understand? You want to make it up to me for what you did? Then end things with Jada.” I cross my arms over my chest as he exhales loudly. “If you won’t do it for Adam, do it for me. You know you owe me this.”

  “But I really like her, Katie. I was starting to click with her.” He’s being argumentative, but the cracks are showing in his armor.

  “There’s a difference between like and lust, Brian. I think you’ve been confusing the two for quite a while. It’s time you got your priorities straight and let her go. You really want to start something with Jada then have her find out about your little bar romps? I don’t think she’d take too kindly to hearing about them.” I’m schooling him on what a girl really wants. I hope he’s paying attention.

  “But I wouldn’t do that if I were with her,” he protests childishly.

  “Oh, sure you would. You strung Kelly along for years, but you never proposed. She had to say she was pregnant with your brother’s baby before you’d even put a ring on her finger. You think Jada doesn’t realize that? She’s looking for something more—a lot more than you’re ready to give.” I shoot him down on every front. Clearly shaken, he knows he can’t talk his way out of this one.

  “So Adam wins again,” he sighs, giving up.

  “It’s not about him winning or losing. It’s about being a decent human being.” I grab one of his hands, holding it in mine. “No one’s trying to one-up you in the game of life, Brian. Pursuing Jada at her expense isn’t giving you any kind of advantage over your brother. You’d just end up hurting her, making yourself feel like even more of a jerk.”

  “So what am I supposed to do? Go back to Philly and forget about Jada? It sounds like you’ll only be satisfied when I die old and alone.” His disgruntlement is wearing thin. Now is the time to strike.

  “Well, there’s another way you can make it up to me.” I’m prepared to prey on his moment of weakness, just like he preyed on mine.

  “How’s that?” he asks listlessly.

  “I could move in with you.” His jaw drops open the minute the words are out of my mouth.

  “Are you crazy?” he sputters, looking at me like I’m out of my mind.

  “There’s no way I’m going back to my dad’s. I’m eighteen now. He has no hold on me. My grandma’s gone. There’s nothing to return to, only misery and regret.” A jolt of understanding passes across his face at my admission.

  “You really want to live with the guy who traumatized you so much you needed professional help to feel normal again?” He’s at a loss, and I can’t say that I blame him. It is an unexpected request.

  “Who said the professional help worked? I think it screwed me up more than I already was. Savoy didn’t have the magic cure. All he did was get me fixated on Adam, and we all know how that turned out.” I roll my eyes, sighing deeply. “You have a huge apartment all to yourself. I have nowhere else to go. It’s the perfect solution.”

  “But this is going to be a platonic arrangement, right? I mean, I don’t want to give you any more mixed signals or anything.” He eyes me cautiously. “I’ve already done enough damage. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like living together.”

  “We’ll find a way. Besides, I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m worried about Kelly. Savoy sounds like a world-class freak, and I want to be nearby so I can keep an eye on her and the baby.” He frowns when I bring up the baby, but other than that, his expression remains neutral.

  “I can see your point,” he admits begrudgingly. “But what are you going to do in Philly? What’s so great about staying cooped up inside my apartment all day?”

  “I’m not. Before she died, Grandma told me about an immunology study they were conducting at Temple. My dad wouldn’t let me participate, but he can’t stop me now. It might help me improve my health so I could hold down a real job and live a normal life like everyone else. I want to earn my way. I don’t want any more handouts.” I’m nothing if not determined, and he’s looking at me like he approves of my tenacity.

  “Well, stranger things have happened, I guess.” He chuckles, extending his hand. “Is it a deal then?”

  “It’s a deal,” I proclaim, giving him a firm handshake.

  “I wonder what Adam’s going to think when he hears that we’re living together. He’s going to freak,” Brian says, trying not to laugh.

  “I don’t know. I think once he’s able to win Jada over, things are going to fall into place…for everybody.” I smile and he grins back.

  “Turner, remind me never to cross you again,” he says consolingly.

  “You can count on it, O’Malley,” I reply as he merges back onto the highway, leaving the past behind us.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Jada

  I’m glad my roommates are out when I get home. It was a three-mile walk back from the deli, which turned into a sprint when Brian
started chasing me. I thought the exercise would relieve the tension running through my body, but I still feel jacked up enough to want to kill somebody. And it’s all Adam’s fault.

  I check my phone. There’s a text from Brian saying that he decided to take off, and that while he enjoyed getting to know me, he’s not good at long-distance relationships. Earlier, he floated the possibility of my relocating closer to Philly, but apparently that’s been shelved after our run-in with Adam. It seems he’s respecting the caveman-like claim his brother has staked on me, but I never thought he’d go down without a fight. Way to be a man, Brian.

  I’m just sick of never having a say when it comes to love. I need to regain some type of control over the men in my life. I’ve had enough emotional whiplash to last me a lifetime, and all I have to show for it is some sloppy lip-lock session in Brian’s car. He wasn’t even that great of a kisser if I’m being completely honest, and it makes me cringe to think of how he would’ve been in the sack. Yeah, I’m glad whatever that was between us died a quick death because it sure wasn’t going anywhere physically.

  Because who am I kidding? I can’t get Adam out of my system. No matter how much I try, I can’t stop thinking about him. And Savoy didn’t even mess with my head. How sad is that?

  I root through the freezer and pull out a carton of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I didn’t get to finish my lunch, and I’m starving. I prop myself up against the refrigerator and dig in, savoring every spoonful. Who cares if I get fat? No one’s going to be seeing my naked body any time soon anyway.

  Ding. Dong.

  Shit. Simone must’ve forgotten her keys again. That girl had better pull it together. I’m not always going to be around to look out for her. College doesn’t last forever.

  Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.

  “Jesus, Simone. I’m coming, just hold—” But I stop talking when I open the door and see who’s standing there.

  “Sorry, it’s not Simone.” Adam’s aquamarine eyes pierce straight through my heart. I feel that familiar flutter in my chest and hold on to the door for support.

  “What are you doing here?” I don’t want to let him see how excited I am that he came after me. I flash back to the last time he was here and how he cradled me in his arms after I broke up with Jason. That was the first time he really touched me. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it, especially with him standing just two feet away.

  “I don’t like how things were left between us and I want to make it up to you.” He’s looking at me the way I’ve always wanted him to look at me—like I’m the oasis his soul is thirsting for.

  “Come in.” I don’t give him too much encouragement. It’s just enough to think he has a chance.

  “I know I don’t deserve any of this after how I treated you, especially after all that you did for me. And Katie.” He’s nervous as he tucks his hair behind his ears. I want nothing more than to reach out and run my hands through it, but I resist the temptation.

  “You’re damn right.” I turn and head for the kitchen. He can follow me if he wants.

  “What kind of ice cream are you eating?” he asks over my shoulder, and I get all tingly when I feel him walking behind me.

  “Chocolate peanut butter. I’d offer you some, but unfortunately there’s not enough,” I say, licking the spoon.

  “You made a nice dent in it, but there’s almost an entire carton left.” He laughs and the warmth of his smile lights up his eyes.

  “Like I said, not enough.” I take another spoonful, making a big production out of it, moaning like it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted.

  “You’re really going to torture me like this, huh?” He shifts his weight, making an effort to maintain eye contact, even though he’s distracted by my lips and how they’re wrapped around the spoon.

  “Why don’t you go home to Katie? I’m sure she can help you out,” I say, narrowing my eyes at him.

  “Well, that’s going to be a problem, seeing how she went back to Philly with Brian,” he remarks offhandedly.

  “Aww, poor baby. Katie left you. Kelly left you. Now you’re stuck with little ol’ me, the miserable runner-up. I feel so bad for you.” My voice is thickly coated in sarcasm in an effort to mask the pain from the fact that he only wants me because I’m all that’s left.

  “Katie didn’t leave me. I packed her bags. I sent her with him.” Adam throws his shoulders back, appearing even taller as he stands next to me.

  “On to the next then? Or maybe you can call Britney or Suzanne? Times like these call for double dips in your rotation, right?” His eyes smolder as I needle him.

  “Jada, they all meant nothing to me because not one of them could get through to me. I wouldn’t let them in. I couldn’t. The only one who was able to get past my barriers is you.” He strokes my hair, and I resist turning my head to meet his hand. “You broke through a psychological wall you weren’t supposed to breach. The strength of your feelings bested the efforts of an Ivy League professor. No one could keep you out of my heart. Not even me.”

  “So I’m supposed to believe that you’re done with Katie, just like that? After I had to listen to you go on and on about her for months?” He lowers his hand and I already miss his touch. I know I’m deliberately pushing him away, but I can’t help it. I have to protect myself from him. He has the power to rip me apart or put me back together. I hate feeling so indecisive around him.

  “It was beyond my control, Jada. I know it sounds crazy, but my head was being filled with thoughts of her. You read the research. You know what they were doing to me.” I can feel the warmth of his body on the bare skin of my arm. He’s that close to me. I’ve missed him so much over the past few days. It feels good being near him again. After hours spent together in the ambulance, I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to being away from him.

  “It’s just so hard to rebuild that level of trust, Adam. We’ve come so close so many times. I don’t think my heart can take any more disappointment. I keep thinking about the night we spent in that motel room, and then Kelly called and…” His thumb is running circles on my arm and I lose all train of thought. One touch from him is all it takes.

  “Kelly’s a part of my past now. There’s nothing binding me to her anymore. We’re free to go our separate ways and live our own lives. The connection that was tying me to her no longer exists. I’m free to do what I want now, and I want you.” His fingers trail up my neck until I feel them wiping an errant tear from my cheek. Funny, I didn’t even realize I was crying. “My heart was divided for so long. Now I’m able to give you every part of me. You deserve nothing less.”

  “Who knew you could be such a romantic?” I smile through my tears. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

  “There are lots of things about me you don’t know.” He raises an eyebrow as his fingers lightly skim my face, igniting every nerve ending in my body.

  “Oh yeah? Like what?” I close my eyes, giving into the sensations he’s drawing forth with his touch.

  “Did you know that I love chocolate peanut butter ice cream?” he whispers, seductively in my ear.

  “Really?” I giggle, shivering as he presses his lips against my neck.

  “Uh huh,” he moans, nuzzling the dimple in my left cheek. “I think it’s about time I had a taste.”

  As his lips finally find mine, a barrage of fireworks goes off inside of me. This is what I’ve been waiting for, dying for. He starts off tenderly, but I urge him along greedily, opening my mouth to him. His tongue is hungry, desperate as he draws me flush against him. After months of yearning, we can’t get enough of each other. It’s going to take more than a kiss to satisfy our desire.

  He releases me, breathing heavily. “Can I…?” he asks, nudging the hem of my shirt. His hands ride up beneath the fabric, feeling like heaven on my bare skin. I nod, raising my arms above me as he removes it from my body. I’m panting as his tongue traces a path to my bra strap. I feel him nibble my shoulder before he slides the
strap into his mouth, pulling it down with his teeth. It’s so erotically sexy, turning me on even more when he does the same thing to the other side.

  My hands are firmly kneading his ass through his jeans, but I want them off. Tugging at the waistband, I try to unfasten his belt, but he stills my hands beneath him. “I’m not done with you yet,” he groans, unhooking my bra clasp. “This is all about you.” He steps back to drink in the sight of my naked breasts, but his breath hitches when my hands unzip his fly, finding his arousal ready to greet me.

  “You’re not wearing any underwear,” I gasp.

  “Jada…” he growls, placing his hand over mine. “Please. Not yet…” He’s begging me and it sounds so unbelievably hot.

  If I keep sliding my hand over his erection, he’s not going to last much longer. I can see his point, so I release my hold reluctantly. After finally gaining access, all I want to do is touch him.

  He bends forward, tickling my breasts with the ends of his hair as he takes one of my nipples in his mouth. Using his distraction to my advantage, I make quick work of his belt, yanking his jeans down.

  “Jada…” His eyes gleam as he’s forced to raise his head as I undress him. Before he can protest, I hitch his leg under me, feeling his erection press against my inner thigh. I start circling my hips, desperate for any type of friction.

  With his jeans draped around his ankles, he picks me up and carries me over to the kitchen table, one sweep of his arm knocking whatever’s on top of it onto the floor. Laying me down, he runs his hand straight down my body past my collarbone, between my breasts, across my stomach, playing me like a finely tuned instrument.

  I raise my hips to meet him, and he quickly undoes the buttons on my shorts, tearing them from my body. I’m wearing the flimsiest pair of panties I own, only a delicate edging of lace holding them in place. Wild with desire, he glides his finger beneath the elastic, stretching it as far as it will go. I squirm on the table as the air meets my skin, but he doesn’t let go. He keeps pulling until the elastic snaps, and my panties practically disintegrate in his hands. He balls them in his fist as he kicks off his jeans, stuffing them in his back pocket. “I’m keeping those,” he says as he spreads my legs before him, taking me in.