“Just do it,” he said, picking up another one for himself, “Cheers.”
I clinked shot glasses with him and let the liquid slide down my throat. It burned but wasn’t wholly unpleasant. This continued every few minutes as we cleaned up the bar and packed up the truck. He’d hand me the shot glass, we’d clink and drink. It was well after 3 in the morning by the time we were fully cleaned up.
“Gotta walk home,” Evan told me, after we’d loaded the final box into the back, “A bit too tipsy to drive.”
It was only a few blocks and we’d be able to get the truck in the morning. This was Easterville, even leaving a truck full of liquor, we were confident nothing would happen to it. We trudged back toward the pub. A block into our walk, Evan handed me a paper bag with a nearly empty bottle in it. I shrugged and took a swig.
“What’s got you so glum tonight?” he asked watching me wipe my face with the back of my hand before handing him back the bottle.
“Glum? Did we travel back to the 1950’s?” I scoffed. I was warm and my brain was fuzzy from the liquor. I was exhausted from the day, and I was trying my hardest not to think about him.
Evan opened the door to the pub for me and I wandered inside. I didn’t want to go upstairs. No good thoughts would lull me to sleep. Not tonight. Evan was watching me stare at the stairs and handed me the bottle again. I took another big gulp of it.
“I figured you’d be all over with happiness working a wedding,” Evan said accepting the bottle from me, “Are you sad the deputy chose Summer?”
I glared at him but didn’t say anything.
“Not unrequited love then,” he mused as he put two barstools onto the floor and wandered behind the bar pouring two large glasses of whiskey and shooting some coke form the fountain into them, “Unless you’re sad Summer chose the Deputy.”
I sat on the stool and sipped the drink. It burned less when paired with the sweetness of the cola.
“Is it because wolves mate for life and you know no one wants you?” his voice was teasing. He clearly didn’t know how right he was. I downed the drink.
“Fucking Kendrick,” I whispered. The liquor steeled my nerves and my voice came out more confident than it had been in years, “You’re right again, Evan. My mate doesn’t want me. He led me to a trap and left me to die.”
I reached over and downed the drink Evan had made for himself. He was standing behind the bar staring at me with furrowed brow, “That’s not funny,” he said.
“It’s the truth,” I told him, “Did you know wolves have a magic pull that leads them to their mate? From the first time you shift you’re drawn to the one creature in the world made to love you. Kendrick ignored that pull for years. I didn’t exist to him. I had no idea, because I was a dud.”
Evan refilled the glasses, keeping his on his drink in his hand as he sipped it, watching me carefully.
“I was being kicked out of the pack for not having a wolf. A mile from freedom the damn bitch finally shows up,” I was lost in telling the story. I’d never told anyone before. It had been my secret shame for 3 years. I couldn’t stop talking if I wanted to, “She, of course, feels the pull and races through the forest to find her mate. Dumb bitch found him. He ran away. Wolves like the hunt. I’ve-she’d- we’d never been so excited than we were racing after his tail. He’d been a wolf longer than anyone our generation and knew the pack forests better than probably anyone else. We raced after him over logs and trees. Our mate was leading us on a grand adventure.”
Evan’s eyes were glued to me and I refused to look away, “Have you ever seen a bear trap, Evan?”
His scowl deepened but he didn’t say anything, “It's a big circle of metal teeth with a pressure plate in the center. Ever hear one? The metallic click of the plate releasing the jaws to snap? It’s a horrible sound. I hope you never hear it. I hope you never feel it snap your bones.”
“Is that...” his question didn’t need to be completed, I knew what he was asking. I nodded.
“Kendrick watched me struggle in the trap,” I was back in the woods watching the small black wolf whine begging the big yellow eyed one for help, “He watched me escape it the only way I knew how.” Evan’s eyes flew to my stump with understanding, “Dr. Doug said my surgeon did a terrible job filing the bones during my amputation. I think I did pretty damn well for a newborn wolf chewing her leg off.”
We sat in silence as I nursed the drink. Evan was radiating energy, angry energy. My wolf was confident he was angry at her. I was too drunk to care.
“So, there you have it, Evan,” I said, raising my glass to him, “I’m even more pathetic than you’d previously imagined.”
He glared at me, “I never thought you were pathetic.”
I threw my head back and laughed, “Of course you do. Everyone does. I’m the town charity case. My job and place to live are because Earl felt pity for the homeless one-armed teen crying in the gas station parking lot.” I held up my prosthetic arm, “This was a favor called in by Professor Carlson. The only reason you shift with me is because I can’t defend myself against a real animal. Don’t lie to me, Evan.”
He kept shaking his head as he talked, “The town loves you, Lee. They want to help you because they want your life to be easier, they want you to succeed.”
“No one loves me,” the confident angry voice was gone replaced by the real me, “I’m the one armed-dud whose mate left her to die.”
I got off the bar stool and wandered up the stairs. Evan didn’t come up after me. I collapsed on the couch and blacked out.
51
Present day
Kyla’s wolf was waiting for Marcus by the car. She yipped and ran over rubbing herself on his legs. He crouched down like she was a beloved dog and rubbed her face on his murmuring sweet nonsense to her. The massive wolf’s grey and white tail wagged furiously.
“Come on, pup pup,” Marcus said opening the door for his mate who jumped into the front seat eagerly, Marcus looked back at me, suddenly remembering he was on a mission from his future alpha.
“I prefer the back seat,” I lied opening the door behind Kyla and sliding inside. Kyla’s wolf turned to look at me with a head cocked in confusion.
“We’re going on a road trip Ky,” Marcus started to explain as he started the car, “We’ve been tasked to bring Aster home safely.”
Kyla’s wolf whined and looked from Marcus to me, “It was Kendrick’s idea, Kyla,” Marcus continued, “I swear we won’t be in trouble.”
Two hours later we were off pack land, Kyla hadn’t shifted back yet, apparently miffed at Marcus. It was very late. Marcus was tired, I was tired, Kyla’s wolf was sleeping on the front seat.
“We can stop and get a nap at the rest stop coming up ten miles from here,” I told Marcus, “It’s far enough from pack lands to hopefully avoid trouble.”
“Are you sure?” Marcus asked, but I could tell he was already mentally calculating how long the ride would take.
“Yes, I’m exhausted, I imagine you are just as tired,” I told him, “I remember how hard people work for mating ceremonies. I can’t imagine how hard everyone worked on...” mine, “The ceremony for the future alpha.”
Marcus met my eyes in the rearview mirror. He was trying to read something from my expression. We hadn’t grown up together. His father was a sentinel and his mother ran the post office. They’d been mid-tier pack members, no one super important, but certainly not getting scraps at pack meals.
“Your mom’s one of the widows, right?” Marcus asked, but we both knew he already knew. I nodded, “I think the rest stop sounds good.”
Marcus pulled into the parking lot and reclined his seat. Kyla was still sleeping in wolf form and I stretched out as much as I could in the back seat. It wasn’t the most comfortable sleeping I’d ever had, but I’d had worse. We napped for a few hours, Kyla shifted back to human form and we dressed and took makeshift baths in the rest stop sinks. It had been updated. The door no longer locked, probably due
to my incident. The paper towel dispensers were replaced with blow dryers and all the plumbing was sensor activated. The high windows I’d climbed out of were gone. No natural light strewn into the room anymore.
“I can’t believe Marcus,” Kyla was muttering to herself as she washed her face, “Of all the stupid, reckless-”
“It was Kendrick’s idea,” I told her, “You won’t be in trouble for taking me back. I promise.”
She turned to me and gave me a withering glare, “Not everything revolves around you, Aster.”
“Sorry,” I said, taken aback by her biting remark. Since my return to the pack she’d been nothing but sweet to me. Maybe that was all an act too.
Her stern expression deflated, and she immediately apologized, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have- of course you’d. Ugh. No, it’s just that,” she turned back to the mirror unable to look at me, “We found out I’m pregnant yesterday.”
“Congratulations” I said, my tone not reflecting any real excitement. Her face didn’t seem excited.
“Thanks,” she muttered, “We’ve been trying forever, and we were really excited. We promised to keep our heads down. Not to cause trouble, you know. Don’t draw any attention to ourselves.”
“Are you afraid for your safety?” I asked seriously.
“Kendrick’s always been good to us,” Kyla said, “He was the only one from our generation who would talk to me after Marcus was declared unshifted. He made sure we had work, and that no one messed with Marcus when I wasn’t around. No matter how bad it got, Kendrick told us to focus on each other, because obviously the moon goddess meant for us to be together.”
Kyla was crying, “And now we’re going to have a pup and I’m so scared. What’s going to happen to us if Kendrick isn’t alpha?”
I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything will be alright, but I couldn’t, it wouldn’t be true. Another traveler came into the bathroom and Kyla straightened up and wiped her tears, “We better get on the road. How long to our destination?”
“990 miles,” I told her.
“Jesus, that’s a long way,” the human intruder said, “I hope y’all have safe travels.”
“Thanks, you too,” Kyla said sweetly.
The drive was silent and awkward. Marcus and Kyla clearly had a lot to work out between them that they didn’t want to say around me.
“Would you be offended if I slept back here,” I said after an hour of awkwardness, “I don’t want to be rude and just fall asleep on you.”
“That’s fine, Aster,” Marcus told me, “We’ll try not to wake you.”
“I can sleep through anything,” I assured them.
I rolled up the coat I’d borrowed from Kyla and pressed it to the window and closed my eyes. I genuinely tried to sleep, and eventually it took me over.
We stopped three times on the trip. Each time we got gas, got food, stretched our legs, and switched drivers. Marcus slept in the back while Kyla drove. Kyla slept in the back while I drove.
Conversation with Kyla was stilted. She was worried and there was nothing I could do to help her. We chatted about childhood, and her parents, both had passed on while I was in exile. We laughed about old times, back before it got crazy complicated. We joked about the grand schemes only pubescent girls could have concocted. It was almost like having a friend back.
When it was my turn to drive, Marcus was a much better conversation partner. He told me all about his life as the pack dud. He’d come to grips with it. But he still felt guilty and inadequate. He loved Kyla with all his heart, but Kyla’s life hadn’t been easy after high school, and it was because of him. Her mate was a dud so despite her wolf’s strength and her position as the pack healer, she was the lowest ranking female, even below the widows. She bore the brunt of punishments for any perceived crime Marcus was to have committed.
“I should have paid better attention in shifter school,” Marcus said after telling me another story about a slight he’d accidentally committed working at the post office, “I mean, it’s so hard to keep track of hierarchy when I’m not one of them, but not, you know? How was I supposed to know Willow had defeated Irene? I wasn’t there? Poor Kyla. She got five lashings for that.”
Marcus kept talking, he didn’t seem to care if I was listening or not. He was venting. He needed it.
“When she first claimed me, I thought I was going to be the strongest wolf for her,” he said, “I was going to be the defender. The pack would admire her because of me. And it never came. Every day my junior year she held my hand and told me it was ok. My wolf would come. And every day it didn’t come.”
I could sympathize. I’d been there. I’d been there with Kyla. She got her wolf though. Marcus and I didn’t. Well, Marcus didn’t.
“Senior year came, and we started talking about if we’d stay with the pack or not, given my condition,” he said. Condition. That’s garbage, “She refused to be run out. I have to give credit in part to you, I think.”
I briefly took my eyes off the road to look at him. He was serious, “One night when she didn’t think I was around she was talking to Kendrick, by that point he was the only wolf who’d talk to us. Kyla was crying because she hated the way the pack was treating me. She kept saying, he’s amazing, Kendrick, he’s amazing and they won’t even see it.”
“This incredible woman thought I was amazing. Me. The dud. She loved me, she loved me not in spite of or despite my lack of wolf. She didn’t care one way or the other. She just loved me. I couldn’t believe it,” Marcus’s voice was soft, and I could hear his throat tightening as he talked, “Still can’t. And she started saying how she felt guilty for how everyone treated Aster. How she treated Aster. She was crying about how Aster, you, didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. She was telling Kendrick she loved me, and the pack could just deal with it.”
I was crying now.
“Oh god, I’m sorry,” Marcus said, “I shouldn’t have mentioned-”
I shook my head, “I’m just jealous. What you and Kyla have is all I wanted growing up. It’s everything.”
“I’m sorry, Aster,” Marcus said again, “I know as well as anyone how much being a dud sucks.”
I smirked at him, “I’d rather be a beloved dud than a rejected wolf.”
Marcus was confused now, “You can’t mean that. Besides, you can be a beloved wolf. Kendrick mated you. He chose you. You’d have to be blind not to see how much he-”
I shook my head, “He didn’t choose me. We’re moon blessed.”
Marcus sat silent he looked back at Kyla, he loved her so much. I looked back at the road. We were so close to Easterville. I was practically vibrating with anticipation. The sun was setting. I’d need to make sure Kyla and Marcus had a place to sleep for the night. They couldn’t head back right away.
“You are going to be great parents,” I told him, “Your pups will grow up knowing what love looks like. They are going to feel accepted for who they are and know there is nothing they can’t do.”
5 miles to Easterville.
52
7 years earlier
I was never drinking whiskey again. I’d spent the morning worshipping the porcelain throne. My head throbbed and every light and sound assailed me sending fresh waves of pain. I groaned heaving another stomach full of bile into the bowl. It tasted horrible. It felt horrible. I was horrible.
I leaned back letting the wall cool my back. My head hurt from the hangover and from crying myself to sleep. I was so groggy, but still so angry, and so jealous. Why was it so damn easy for humans? I watched my classmates in Easterville go from one relationship to another. With no problem. The one time I tried to date, my wolf revolted.
Evan knocked on the bathroom door and came in without waiting for an answer. He shut the door behind him and what little space there had been in the tiny bathroom was gone. Only Evan.
“Here,” he handed me a glass of water and three ibuprofen, “There’s coffee and French toast whe
n you’re ready for real food.”
I accepted it wordlessly.
“I want to apologize for last night,” Evan said, “I shouldn’t have gotten you drunk. I saw you weren’t yourself and I thought it would be amusing to see you uninhibited for a change.”
“Did my tale of woe not amuse you?” I mocked throwing the ibuprofen into my mouth and sipping the water back afraid if I drank it too fast, I’d vomit again.
“Lee,” his voice was soft, “I don’t know how much you remember of what you told me last night-”
“I told you everything, didn’t I?” I asked him, “Kendrick, the trap, how sharp my teeth are in wolf form. I don’t think I mentioned the drive Easterville immediately after though. That was interesting. A tale for the next wedding.”
Evan scowled at me, “Fuck weddings. This was a onetime favor to Louie.”
I smirked, “Yea, fuck weddings.”
Evan crouched in front of me, taking up all the floor space not currently occupied by me his brown eyes were burning with fury, my wolf wanted to scurry away. She didn’t like the angry bear, she liked to make the bear angry, but she didn’t want to be around him when he was angry.
“Look at me Lee, I need to speak to you and I’m not repeating myself,” his voice was gruffer and the more authoritative than I’d ever heard from him, “There is more than one kind of love, Lee. I finally understand that you think you’re unlovable because of the mutt of a mate you’ve been cursed with. But you are loved. Earl loves you like a daughter, the town loves you as a dear friend, I love you as the annoying sister I thought I finally got rid of. We all love you. We love you because you’re kind, you are a work horse, you don’t let any challenge stop you, despite the efforts of the asshole grizzly bear taunting you all the time. You are smart, you are funny, you are Lee. And Lee, you are loved.”
Tooth and Claw (Kootenai Pack Book 1) Page 15
