Almost Perfect

by Julie Ortolon

  Shaking her head, she looked at the door. Joe's voice drifted out, a low, sexy rumble. She moved closer, eased the door open, and peeked inside. She saw a tastefully decorated room done in natural colors, from dark brown to pale beige with a few splashes of earthy red. The louvered shutters were tilted to allow privacy but still let in sunlight. Two big leather chairs sat before the windows, Hanked by wooden bookshelves that held his collection of pueblo pottery, kachinas, and art books. As for framed art, he hadn't exaggerated when he told Juanita he had no wall space left. His taste ran toward domestic pueblo scenes, homey, peaceful images.

  "Sounds like we're nearly good to go." His voice drew her attention the other direction. Peeking around the door, she found him standing with his back to her, talking on a cordless phone while washing dishes in a kitchenette that was only slightly larger than hers.

  Curious, she scanned the room again and found a door directly across from her that stood open enough for her to make out the foot of a sturdy-looking bed. The bedspread echoed the patterns of the Navajo rug that covered the floor.

  Excellent taste, she thought.

  Joe turned with the phone pressed between his shoulder and ear. He froze when he saw her. Then smiled. "Hey, look, I need to let you go. Call me back when you know for sure." He hung up and faced her fully. "You're back."

  "I am." She started to return his smile, but a mischievous imp took hold and she scowled instead. "And I have bad news."

  "What?" Concern registered on his face.

  "I'm afraid they're on to us. Carol, for sure. Maybe the others." She shook her head gravely. "I think they know we're"-she wiggled her brows- "you know."

  "Sneaking around? No!" He feigned shock, then lowered his voice to a whisper. "Maddy, I'm fairly certain a blind monkey could figure out I've got the hots for you so bad I can barely see straight."

  "You don't have to whisper," she whispered back. "We're alone."

  "We are?" His face lit up.

  "Carol just left to do some 'things,' assuring me she'd be gone 'at least an hour.' "

  "Oh really?" The interest deepened as he came toward her, moving with a slow, predatory step. "Remind me to add a big bonus to her paycheck."

  "You're not upset?" He didn't look upset. In fact, he looked like a panther spying a nice, juicy steak. She backed up a step, then two, toward the sitting area.

  "Why would I be upset?" He closed and locked the door as he passed it.

  "I thought you didn't want people to know." She held a hand up, continuing backward. Fantasizing about jumping Joe in his apartment in the middle of the day was one thing-but the reality was a camp full of people just beyond the windows. "You've been so circumspect."

  "Well, I'm hardly going to flaunt the fact that we're doing the wild thing in front of the campers and counselors, but no, I don't mind if the coordinators know. All of them are old enough that I think it's a safe bet to say they've discovered sex. Now, come here."

  He took her hand and tugged her forward so fast she fell against his chest. Before she could think, she was in his arms and he was kissing her-a slow, deep, sweet kiss that went on and on until her knees were weak.

  Then he lifted his head and caressed her cheek. "I missed you today."

  A glowing happiness filled her as she smiled up at him. "You saw me just last night."

  "That was forever ago." His head started to lower.

  Laughing, she rose up to meet him, but pulled back at the last instant. "Oh! I have news."

  "It can wait."

  "No, I have news. Big news!"

  "Let me guess." He nibbled her neck. "Sylvia loved your work and wants to do the prints she talked about."

  "Yes!"

  "Maddy, I hate to tell you, but that is not news. Now, about that hour of privacy we have…" Without warning, he bent down and hefted her over his shoulder.

  "Joe! What are you doing?" she shrieked as he headed for the bedroom. He tossed her playfully onto the mattress, then climbed on after her. "Wait." She placed a hand against his rock-hard chest to keep him from kissing her again. "It's more than just them wanting to do prints. They have a show-scheduled in a couple of weeks to launch their fall catalog."

  "And?" He traced her jaw with kisses.

  She took his face in both her hands to get his attention. "They want to include me in the show."

  "Makes sense." Brushing her hair back, he went for her ear.

  The tip of his tongue traced the shell, sending a delicious shiver all the way to her toes. "Mmm, that feels good." What had she been saying? Oh

  Plus I had you. Then I won that scholarship, and everything changed. Everyone turned against me. They hated me."

  "Okay, Maddy, first of all, you're not in high school anymore. Back then, we ran with a crowd of losers, most of whom were doing or dealing drugs. So of course they grew distrustful when they found out you weren't really one of them. You had goals and dreams they couldn't understand, and you were actually going after them."

  "It isn't going after your dreams that makes people resent you, it's having your dreams come true without paying a price."

  "No, it's pursuing them behind people's back." Anger flared in his voice.

  She bit her lip, watching as his face hardened.

  Exhaling in a gust, he looked away. "I'm sorry.

  I didn't mean-" He turned back to her, calm now but intense. "Maddy, you are meant for great things. I think I've always sensed that about you.

  You have so much talent. So much… life inside you. I think that's what drew me to you then and now." His hand tightened on hers. "Don't hold yourself back because of what people think. Who cares what people think?"

  "I care! I like people. I don't want to hurt them."

  "Hurt them?"

  "Yes. It's like with Tammy Andersen."

  "Tammy who?"

  "Andersen. We had several art classes together in high school, and she was really good." He still looked blank, so she smirked. "A lot of the kids called her Tammy the Toad."

  "Ah, yes. I remember. The girl who had no neck."

  "Of all the friends who turned against me, she was the one who hurt the worst. I didn't know until later that she'd applied for the same scholarship- because I'd told her about it. I'd told her how'good she was and encouraged her to show her work. So she applied. And I beat her out. After that, she would never look me in the eye when we talked. She wasn't openly ugly to me, like some of our friends were, but I felt like I'd run over her cat and had no idea how to tell her I was sorry."

  "Maddy…" He let out a scoffing breath. "Screw sorry. She was jealous. That was her problem."

  She pulled back, aghast. "That is so cruel. And you aren't a cruel person. Normally."

  "Life is cruel."

  "Oh yes, let's be glib. 'Life is cruel.' That may be true, but I don't have to add to it."

  "What, by succeeding? By knowing what you want and going after it? And when I said that was her problem, I meant she wasn't your friend if she let that get between you. You cared enough to encourage her, and she got miffed over your success rather than cheering you on? Definitely screw sorry."

  "I just…"

  "What?"

  "I want everyone to succeed."

  "I know." He caressed her cheek. "That's part of your magic."

  "What am I going to do?" She turned fully toward him. "I want to grab on to this, but it's so big, and I don't know if I'm ready. Plus, I've made friends here, and I don't want to alienate them."

  "Who, Carol and the others?"

  And you, she thought.

  He studied her a long moment, then moved off the bed to prowl the room. "I don't understand why your friendship with the staff here should hold you back. This is a summer job for you. Your main objective in coming here was to check out the galleries. The coordinators are barely more than acquaintances to you. Temporary friends. When the summer is over, you'll get on with your real lift-back in Austin." He turned back to her. "Right?"

  What was h
e saying? Was he asking if she had any interest in staying? Before she could ask, the phone in the other room rang.

  He glanced toward the sound, then mumbled something about needing to get the call.

  She sat, wondering for the thousandth time what was going on between them. She knew she wanted more, but how much more? And what did he want? Perhaps it was time to build up the courage to ask.

  She rose on shaky legs and moved to the doorway. Listening absently at first, then with growing interest as she realized he was talking to Derrick, his Ranger buddy, about starting the boot camp he'd mentioned. By the time he hung up, she was staring at him in disbelief.

  "What's wrong?" he asked, frowning.

  "You're going ahead with your plans for the boot camp."

  "Yeah." He shrugged as if it were no big deal. "I talked it over with Mom, and she insisted she'd be fine with it."

  "When?"

  "A few days ago?"

  "And you didn't think about sharing that with me?"

  That internal wall he'd perfected rose up in an instant, blocking her out.

  She flung an arm toward the bedroom. "You just chastised me for not sharing my dreams with you fifteen years ago, and now you're pursuing this behind my back?"

  "It wasn't 'behind your back.' I told you I was thinking about it."

  "But not that you were going through with it."

  "This has nothing to do with us." He headed for the refrigerator and pulled out a can of cola.

  "I told you I'd help-"

  "I don't want you to help!" He whirled to face her, his expression so hard, hurt struck her chest. He turned back to the counter, popped the can open. "You're leaving at the end of summer, remember?" He glanced back at her, but only briefly. "Why waste what time we have together talking about business plans?"

  "Because this is your dream. And you weren't going to share it with me… even though we're sleeping together."

  "One has nothing to do with the other."

  "Oh, well, excuse me for confusing sex with intimacy."

  "Maddy, don't do this." He sighed heavily. "We're barely feeling our way along as it is. The past doesn't disappear just because we're getting along in the present."

  She stared at him. "You said love was something that didn't have to be earned. It either is or it isn't. What about forgiveness? Does that have to be earned? If so, give me a task. Tell me what to do. How do I earn your trust if you're not willing to give me a chance?"

  "What exactly are you asking for here? Do you even know what you want out of this thing between us?" Exasperation hardened his face. "Don't jack with me, Maddy! You can't come out here for one flippin' summer and expect me to jump right back into a serious relationship."

  "What is it you want from this 'thing between us'?"

  "Stop-" He took several deep breaths, but when he looked at her, his eyes blazed. "I took a blind leap for you once and fell flat on my face. Don't ask me to do it again. I prefer to take things slower these days."

  "Apparently!" Her anger ignited. "You're only willing to jump off the high board when it's something you really want. I guess I don't meet that criteria." She started to storm out, but whirled back. "You want to take things slowly? All right. No problem. In fact, I think we should take things very slowly. As in, I need to be in your life more before I share my body with you again. Because until you're willing to share something of yourself, that's just a little too personal for me." She strode toward the door.

  "Maddy…"

  "Forget it, Joe. I realize you're worried about getting hurt. Well, join the club. We're all worried about getting hurt. That's part of being alive. When and if you decide to share something more than sex, let me know."

  Chapter 14

  Subject: Men are such jerks!!!

  Christine: Whoa, what happened? I thought all was bliss with you and Joe?

  Maddy pounded out an e-mail explaining everything, how Joe was doing to her the very thing he'd never forgiven her for and he didn't seem to see it. To him it was all her fault that he couldn't trust her.

  Christine: You're right. Men are jerks.

  Amy: Wait a minute. Let's not be too hasty. Maddy, what's Joe's side?

  Christine: Who cares? We're having a bitchfest. We'll be mature later. For now, Mad, feel free to let it rip. We promise that if things work out for you and the Jerk, we won't hold anything you say now against him.

  Amy: Well, of course she's free to bitch to us, but I'd still like to know Joe's side.

  Maddy burst into tears as she typed her response: Have I mentioned lately how much I love you guys?

  I don't suppose there's any way you'd come to the show so I can see you in person.

  Christine: We love you too. And I'd be at the show in a heartbeat, but I'll still be in residency. Amy?

  There was a pause before Amy responded: I wish I could. Really. But I couldn't possibly train someone to cover the office that quickly. Plus there's my grandmother.

  Maddy knew Amy was making excuses, but let it slide as she typed: It's okay, Amy. I wasn't thinking.

  Christine diplomatically shifted the subject away from Amy's fear of traveling: Okay, let's figure out a way to have Joe crawling on his hands and knees when he comes over tonight thinking a simple apology will get him back into your bed.

  Only Joe didn't come that night.

  The following day, when Maddy saw him in the dining hall, he marched in, grabbed his tray, stabbed at his food as if trying to kill it, and left.

  Naturally, the coordinators noticed and had their heads together in an instant, whispering. Maddy wanted to scream. Confiding to Amy and Christine was one thing. That didn't mean she wanted Carol and the others plotting ways to get her and Joe back together.

  As the days passed, however, the likelihood of a reconciliation seemed less and less likely. Weighed down by the thought, Maddy opened her laptop.

  Message: I'm ready to be mature. Any advice on how I fix this? I miss Joe so much, I ache all over. Things were so perfect for a while. I want that back. Oh God, I think I really am in love with him.

  Her hand hovered over the SEND key as her stomach churned. Should she delete that last sen-tence? Did telling someone make it real? Squinting her eyes, she hit SEND… and waited in agony for her friends' responses.

  Amy: Oh, Maddy. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Have you told Joe how you feel?

  Maddy: Good God, no. Are you kidding? I told y'all some of his background. If I said the L word, he'd just put up more barriers.

  Christine: You don't know that. Maybe he's just waiting for you to say it first. He could be thinking "By God, I stuck my neck out last time, this time it's her turn."

  Maddy: There's a terrifying thought. Especially since he's given me NO indication that he wants something serious. I'm not even sure I want something this serious. My home, my family, and both of you are in Austin. What am I doing falling for a guy who lives in a whole different state?

  Christine: Talk about your lame excuses! Maddy, houses can be sold, your family drives you nuts, and even though we'd miss meeting you for lunch, friends should never stand in the way of love. As for repairing this rift with Joe, I think you need to tell him at least some of how you feel. You don't have to use the big L word, but tell him something.

  Maddy: How can I when he's not talking to me?

  Christine: Sheesh. You wait until all the little kiddies are asleep, you knock on his door, and when he answers, you say, "Yo, Joe, let's talk."

  Maddy stared at Christine's post for several long minutes before closing her computer with a snap. Advice was easy for someone who didn't have to take it.

  Realizing the sun was setting, she walked out onto her balcony. The sound and scent of the mountains at dusk filled her senses. Down in the camp, she saw a light glowing in Joe's apartment.

  Maybe Christine was right. Maybe Joe wanted her to make the first move. She tried to picture it in her mind, what she would say and what his response might be. Fear swelled inside her
with staggering swiftness, making her heart pound and her palms sweat. Good heavens, was this how Joe had felt all those years ago when he'd been building up the courage to propose?

  And then she'd told him no?

  Guilt stabbed at her, making her wince.

  Although what if the reverse happened this time? What if she got up the nerve to tell him she loved him, only to have him reject her?

  She stared at the light in the office a long time as the shadows lengthened and the air grew chilled. Finally, the campers on flag duty headed for the pole next to the big bell. Mama's voice came over the speakers with the evening prayer as the girls lowered and folded the flag. Then taps began to play, a soft, sleepy version that she usually found soothing.

  Tonight it sounded so plaintive her chest ached.

  She watched as the campers walked away from the flag pole. Watched Mama leave the office, climb into her golf cart, and head toward the little owner's house on the rise near the gate. And she wished for the sight of Joe stepping out of the office and heading up toward the Craft Shack as he'd done every night for that magical week.

  The sky grew darker, the air colder.

  She finally turned and went back inside, where she lay awake most of the night. The narrow bed had seemed so crowded with Joe in it, making them laugh more than once.

  Now it felt far too empty.

  Her friends were right. She needed to make^the first move. With sleep evading her, she searched her mind for the right way to take the first step. If only she knew where that step would lead. Why did love have to be so scary and painful?

  The following evening, Joe glared at the paperwork in front of him, wishing it would do a better job of distracting him from thoughts of Maddy-and the temptation to go up to the Craft Shack and beg his way back into her bed. Everything had been perfect. Couldn't they just go back to that?

  Watching her leave at the end of summer was going to be hard enough. How much more would it hurt if he let her all the way into his life? If he let her be part of making plans for the boot camp, it would serve as one more reminder of her when she was gone. Couldn't she see that?