Almost Perfect

by Julie Ortolon

  "That I can't be with a woman who keeps things from me. Especially when she thinks so little of me that she thinks she has to be less in order to make me feel like I'm more."

  "I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to put you first."

  "I never asked you to. And you never gave me the chance to tell you to go for it. Or didn't it occur to you that we could have worked all this out?"

  Her body started shaking. "Are you saying we can't now?"

  "I don't know! I can't think straight. Jesus!" He turned away from her, as if he couldn't bear to look at her. "I think you should go to Taos alone. Maybe we can talk when you get back."

  He strode toward the door.

  "Joe, no! Don't go!"

  He stopped with his hand on the doorknob.

  Tears coursed down her cheeks. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. Please don't leave me."

  He turned back, came toward her with longstrides and pulled her hard into his arms. "Goddamn it." His eyes blazed into hers. "I don't want to lose you. Not again. It nearly killed me the first time. I don't want to lose you all over again."

  His mouth crushed down on hers, full of fear and fury. She kissed him back, weeping. His mouth left hers, kissing the tears from her cheeks.

  "You don't have to lose me," she whispered hoarsely. "I won't let you. I love you."

  Her head spun as he lifted her and laid her on the bed, coming down with her. I won't let you lose me. She caressed the hard lines of his face as he jerked at the belt of her robe. When his hands shook, she helped him untie it. I love you!

  Desperate to touch him, she pulled his T-shirt free from his pants as he jerked the robe down her arms. She freed her arms and removed her bra, then gasped as his mouth moved to her breasts, hungry and demanding. She stroked his shoulders, feeling the hard muscles bunch as he jerked off her panties and tossed them to the floor.

  Everything inside her clamored with need, but it was a need driven by fear rather than desire, a need of the heart, not the body.

  When she was naked beneath him, he freed his erection and drove into her. She gasped at the shock of it, the hard invasion into dry flesh. Until that moment she hadn't even noticed her lack of response. Her eyes snapped wide in pain to find him frozen above her, his weight braced on straight arm.

  Horror filled his eyes. "Oh my God. Maddy." He came down over her, cradling her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He rained kisses over her face and tried to ease his body from hers.

  "No, don't!" She clamped her legs about him, pulling him back. "Don't leave me."

  "Okay, I won't move. Am I still hurting you?"

  "Don't leave me." She lifted her hips, forcing him deeper, biting her lip against the increase in pain.

  "Maddy, baby, hold still. I'm hurting you."

  "I don't care." The physical pain began to ebb, while the pain in her heart grew. "Don't leave me." She kissed his jaw as her hips continued to move, back and forth. Slowly she warmed and softened around him. "Please."

  "Maddy, you have to stop."

  She felt his whole body strain with his effort to hold still against her. He straightened his*arms again, gathering his strength and will to pull out of her.

  "Stay." She looked up at his taut face, into his dark eyes as she lifted her hips into him, held him fully and deeply inside her.

  "Maddy, I can't-" With a curse, he turned his head, his jaw clenched.

  Stay with me. Love me. On one slow glide, she let her hips fall, slowly, slowly, till he almost slid from her body, then she lifted again. When she held him fully once more, squeezing tightly around him, his head fell back.

  "Oh God." His restraint broke. He moved in her, with her, his whole body working like one big wave, riding toward fulfillment, release. Lowering over her, he held her, comforting her even as he pounded harder into her. She tightened her arms about him and welcomed every jarring thrust, needing him so much, tears came back to her eyes.

  "I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing the tears away as his body gathered, focused, drove him toward its own selfish goal. Some small, functioning part of his brain knew her own release was a long way off, but his body didn't care.

  The climax hit him with such a vicious punch that his body jerked from the force of it, then trembled as the pleasure kept on and on. When the storm ended, he collapsed against her, fearing his heart would thunder out of his chest.

  His mind cleared by degrees, became aware of her arms wrapped tightly about him, her tear-stained face buried against his shoulder.

  Mortified, he realized he was still hard from the adrenaline pumping through his body. Not as hard as before, but enough to cause her discomfort if she was raw. How could he have done this? Even though she'd encouraged him, there was no excuse for continuing once he realized she wasn't aroused.

  Hating himself, he eased from her, wincing when she winced. He shifted to lie beside her, brushed the hair back from her face. Looking at her, meeting her eyes, was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Her eyes were red from crying, filled with pain, but no accusation. "How badly did I hurt you?"

  "You didn't really. Not the way you mean." She blinked against a fresh rise of tears. "Will you hold me?"

  He felt as if a giant fist reached inside his chest and squeezed around his heart. "Of course."

  She snuggled against his chest, burrowing into him as his arms went around her. Reaching past her, he gathered the bedspread and covered her, tucking it between their bodies. He rubbed her arms, struggling with what to say. Before he could decide, her breathing evened out and she fell asleep.

  He lay a long time, holding her, listening to her shallow breaths, still aching with anger and confu-sipn. Even in this, this mindless eruption of angry sex, she'd put herself aside for him. He wanted to shake her and comfort her and never hurt her again.

  Most of all, he wanted to understand her. Which, of course, he never would.

  Could he live with that, though? Live with a woman who had the power to rip out his guts with-out even realizing what she was doing? She would never intentionally hurt anyone, but God in heaven, she'd hurt him. She'd goddamn eviscerated him. And he wasn't sure she even got that.

  He shifted to see her face, relaxed now in sleep but still ravaged by her tears. What am I going to do with you, Maddy?

  Long minutes later, he rose, righted his clothes, and moved quietly toward the door.

  "Joe?" She stirred behind him. "Don't go."

  "Maddy-" He couldn't even turn to face her. "I can't talk right now. Go to Taos without me. We'll talk when you get back."

  The following morning, Joe stood at the kitchen sink, his mind still numb with confusion. Renewed pain stabbed him when he looked out the window just as Maddy drove by. She glanced over long enough for their gazes to meet, and then the car carried her on, down the hill toward the gate.

  A part of him was still so angry he wanted to throw his coffee mug into the sink and shatter it into a million pieces, while another part wanted to break down and cry as openly as she had.

  Out of nowhere, the image of the Colonel sprang to mind, adding a ripping sense of grief to the pain already inside him. "I wish you were here, Dad. So you could tell me what to do."

  Chapter 21

  Truth hurts even when it sets you free.

  – How to Have a Perfect Life

  Maddy huddled in one of the big wooden chairs on the front porch of the resort's central lodge. Even though she wore the largest pair of sunglasses she owned, the light stabbed at her sensitive eyes. If only Christine and Amy would arrive, she could go to the suite they'd be sharing, close all the drapes, and hide out from the other guests until she got her emotions under control.

  When she'd arrived an hour ago, she'd managed to put on a happy face long enough to get checked in, greet her hosts, and meet a few guests. The puffy eyes had been easily dismissed as allergies. She doubted that excuse would hold up if she joined the party going on in the bar and suddenly burst into tears for no apparent reason.


  Sitting outside to "enjoy the mountain view" was a much safer bet.

  Finally, she saw an SUV turn into the resort's long, twisting driveway. She tracked its progress past the horse stables, over the wooden bridge, then as it climbed past a scattering of guest lodges.

  Rental vehicles had been arriving at a fairly steady pace, but she clung to the hope that this one would be carrying her friends.

  It made the final turn into the long, narrow parking lot. After it slipped into an empty space, a tall blonde stepped out of the driver's side.

  "Christine!" Maddy called, springing to her feet.

  The woman turned, shading her eyes. A familiar smile broke over her face, the most welcome sight in the world.

  "Maddy!" Christine waved as Maddy hurried off the porch and barreled toward her friends.

  Amy emerged next, and Maddy soon found herself engulfed in a group hug. The comfort of it stirred all the emotions that had been too near the surface for the past twenty-four hours.

  "I've missed you both so much. I'm so glad you made it!"

  "Us, too," Christine said. "Although it was touch and go at the very last minute."

  "What happened?" Maddy looked instinctively to Amy and noticed the lack of glasses. "Did you get contacts?"

  "I did." She beamed, her green eyes sparkling. Her jumper also hung looser than normal.

  "Hey, you look great!" Maddy stepped back for a better look.

  Amy struck a diva pose. "Just forty more pounds to go."

  "So what was the holdup?"

  "Grandmother." Amy rolled her eyes, speaking volumes with that single word. "It's okay, though. Christine helped me handle it."

  "Yeah." Christine snorted. "It's hell being a hypochondriac when there's a doctor in the room."

  "But everything else went okay?" Maddy searched Amy's face for signs of strain, but realized her friend had never looked more excited. "You handled the plane all right?"

  Amy laughed. "Christine's the one who hates flying. But since we had each other, the trip was really fun."

  "It was," Christine agreed. "And now that she's had her first taste of travel, I suspect there'll be no stopping her."

  "I don't know. Traveling solo still sounds pretty scary." Amy shaded her eyes as she looked about. "Goodness, what a place!"

  "No kidding." Christine looked equally impressed, which was no mean feat for someone who had grown up with family money like hers. Then she turned back to Maddy. "So, where's Joe? We're dying to meet him."

  "He's-" She managed to swallow down a rise of tears. "Not coming."

  "Uh-oh." Christine narrowed her eyes, trying to see past the sunglasses.

  "Why not?" Amy's smile turned into a worried frown.

  "I'll tell you when we get inside." Though she said it calmly, nothing got past Christine. Her friend plucked the sunglasses right off her nose. After a two-day crying jag, she knew perfectly well how awful she looked.

  Christine turned to Amy. "We need an emergency girlfriend crash cart. Stat. Did you bring the chocolate I put on your packing list?"

  "I told you, it's not on my diet."

  "Amy, calories don't count when you're out of town." Christine shook her head. "Never mind.

  There's bound to be a restaurant or gift shop inside. See what you can scare up."

  Amy bit her lip as she studied the central lodge. "Okay, I can do this."

  "You don't need to." Maddy put the shades back on and realized her head was now pounding. "I'm okay."

  "No, I can handle it," Amy insisted. "Where's the gift shop?"

  "Right inside the door."

  "And our room?"

  "We're in Alta Vista." Maddy pointed to a three-story adobe building perched at the end of a footpath above the parking lot. "Bottom corner suite on the left."

  "Got it." Amy hurried off, digging in her purse for her wallet.

  Moving to the back of the SUV, Christine popped the hatch. Maddy followed to help her with the luggage and was shouldered away. "Patients aren't allowed to tote and carry. You just lead the way."

  "Come on. Y'all are being silly," Maddy protested weakly as Christine herded her up the path with a suitcase in each hand.

  With their suite on the bottom level, they had a patio rather than a balcony. The twin patio doors opened into two units that could be separated with double doors or opened into one big unit. Since Joe hadn't come, Maddy had opened the doors.

  "I put you and Amy in here." Maddy led the way into the side with two double beds. She'd taken the one with the single king on the remote hope that Joe would show up.

  "Nice digs." Christine looked around as she de-posited the suitcases on the beds. "Western chic meets feng shui. Your new friends have good taste."

  "I don't even want to think about what this room would cost if we were paying."

  "Then don't. In fact, don't think about anything. Just sit." Christine pointed to the sofa before the kiva fireplace as she ducked into the bathroom.

  Since obeying was easier than arguing, Maddy sat and rested her head against the back of the sofa. The draperies were open, so she left her sunglasses on and closed her eyes. A minute later she heard Christine return. The stinging red light behind her eyelids went wonderfully blue when the drapes closed with a swish of sound.

  "Don't move," Christine told her, her voice coming closer. The sunglasses were removed-gently this time-and a damp washcloth settled over her eyes.

  "Thank y-you-" Her voice broke, so she shut up.

  "You just sit there and relax while I unpack a few things. We'll talk when Amy gets here."

  Giving in to exhaustion, she stayed just as she was, struggling to regain control of her rioting emotions. She heard the zip of a suitcase being opened, rummaging, footsteps, the pop of a cork leaving a wine bottle.

  Then the patio door opened with a tangible burst of happy energy and return of sunlight.

  "Mission accomplished," Amy announced. "And I only took one wrong turn trying to find the kitchen."

  "They didn't have chocolate bars in the gift shop?" Christine asked.

  "They did. Really good ones, too. But I wanted to get this."

  "You're that determined to stick to your diet?"

  "No. It's for Maddy."

  Christine burst out laughing.

  Curious, Maddy lifted the corner of the washcloth. She found Amy standing just inside the patio door proudly holding a fistful of candy bars in one hand and an enormous cucumber in the other. She couldn't help it, she laughed as well.

  "So"-Christine stifled her mirth-"is that supposed to console Maddy by replacing Joe?"

  "What?" Amy frowned, then turned scarlet when understanding dawned. "You!" she scolded Christine as she closed the door, plunging the room back into semidarkness. "It's for her eyes. Cucumber slices take the swelling out."

  "Ah." Christine grinned as she poured wine into hotel water glasses. "Well, bring it over and add it to the rest of our emergency supplies."

  Maddy straightened, plucking at her hair where the cloth had dampened it. Christine had sej a bottle of wine on the coffee table along with a manicure kit, her laptop, which was booting up, and a small stack of DVDs.

  "You brought movies?" Maddy lifted a brow.

  "I was hoping we could kick Joe out for one evening and have a girls' night ogling Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp."

  Maddy's throat went tight. "Looks like you got your wish."

  "Oh, crap." Christine's shoulders slumped while Amy hurried over, sat on the sofa, and pulled Maddy into her arms.

  "It's okay." Amy patted her back. Maddy gave in and slumped into her nurturing softness.

  Big, humiliating, shoulder-shaking sobs wracked her body. "I'm sorry," she managed to say after several long minutes.

  "Don't be." Amy soothed her by rubbing her palm on Maddy's back in circles. "Whatever happened, we're here. You can cry in front of us all you want."

  "Thank you." Maddy sniffed as she straightened.

  Christine sat on the coffee
table facing her with a glass of red wine in her hand. "Here, drink this."

  "Thanks." Maddy took a sip, hiccuping slightly.

  "Now this." Christine held out a chocolate bar that was half unwrapped.

  The chocolate was dark and rich and had a wonderful bite that made Maddy moan in unexpected ecstasy. Amy was right-they stocked the good stuff.

  "Now," Christine said sternly. "Tell us what the bastard did, so we can decide whether or not he gets to live."

  The chocolate turned to sawdust in Maddy's mouth. She managed to wash it down with a swallow of wine. "It wasn't him. It was me. Oh God, I've been so stupid!"

  She bent forward in a rush, bracing her forearms against her thighs. The wineglass and chocolate bar magically disappeared, allowing her to hide her face in her hands. "Really, really stupid!"

  Amy patted her back. "Can you tell us what happened?"

  "Only if Christine promises not to say 'I told you so.' "

  "I swear upon my Hippocratic oath."

  "Well, you were right." She sat back and accepted the wine again. "I should have talked to Joe weeks ago. Not about telling him I loved him- we really were making progress there-but about Sylvia's offer."

  "Ah." Christine raised a brow. "He found out."

  "Oh yeah."

  "And he didn't take it well."

  "You could say that." She took a drink. "Actually, he pretty much lost it. At the time, I was stunned. I couldn't figure out why he was so angry. All the way up here, I kept trying to sort it out. Well, actually, I started out arguing with him in my head about how ridiculous he was being. This wasn't like last time, when I put my own dreams and independence before him. It was exactly the opposite. I was putting him first. Putting us first.

  "But something he said kept ringing through my own tirade, until I finally got it. I finally understood what he was saying."

  "What?" Amy asked.

  "He said he couldn't be with a woman who thought so little of him that she thought she had to make herself less in order for him to feel like he's more. And suddenly I realized something in this blinding flash that's humiliating to admit."

  "What?" Amy's eyes went round.