I can’t help but stare at her belly. She looks ready to pop. When I look up again, it’s me in the white dress. I’m the one who’s pregnant, yet there’s no one beside me.
I wake with a start. Vinnie grumbles and rolls over, falling back asleep instantly. I’m drenched in sweat. As my dream comes back in flashes, I attempt to piece it all together. To makes sense of it. If that’s even possible.
The important part of my dream is the choice, right? That has to be it.
I made a better decision in my dream. I told Jared to fuck off, yet somehow, I still ended up with Vinnie. In real life, that wouldn’t have happened, would it?
Or maybe it was meant to happen.
Maybe Ryder and I weren’t meant to last.
If that’s the case, I don’t know what to think.
Slipping out of bed, I tiptoe through the room and out into the hall, closing the door behind me. The sun hasn’t made its ascent over the horizon yet. I contemplate waking Vinnie, but he spent all day traveling yesterday and needs his rest.
Curling up on the couch, I sip on a cup of coffee and watch the news. It’s depressing. Everything going on in the world makes me sick. Children killing children. People fighting over things out of their control. There’s so much hatred in the world.
Clicking the TV off, I sit in the darkness, replaying my dream again one last time. It still makes no sense. If I had been given the choice of staying with Ryder when shit hit the fan, I would have. He was the one who ended things. He called us quits. For good reason, but it was his choice, not mine. I wasn’t given the option.
Vinnie wasn’t even in my life back then. Why would I have to choose between them?
A thought enters my mind, and I attempt to push it away, but it’s nagging at me. The rumor. Ally’s words as she told me what people were saying about me.
I’m using Vinnie to get Ryder back. To make him jealous.
Ha! If only that would work. Not that I want Ryder back now; he’s moved on, and so have I. It tells me that either people don’t know Ryder as well as they think they do or they think so little of me that I’d try to win him back by using someone else.
The latter isn’t as funny. I’m sure that’s how it all started, though. After all, I tried to use Jared to get Ryder’s attention. It’s not much of a stretch.
If only people would learn to mind their own business.
“What are you doing sitting alone in the dark instead of keeping me warm in bed?” Vinnie’s voice startles me, causing me to jump slightly and spill coffee on my bare legs. Thankfully, it’s luke warm now.
“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep,” I say as I soak up the coffee with the clean shirt I found in the dryer. It was the only thing in there. I don’t even have panties on yet.
“You could have woken me up, ya know. I’d have at least kept you company.” Vinnie takes a seat next to me, his bare thigh rubbing against mine. He didn’t bother to put clothes on before coming in search of me, and I’m enjoying the view.
“You had a busy day yesterday. You needed to sleep.”
“The last thing I want is to miss a single minute with you. Sleep is overrated, anyway,” he jokes as he takes my mug from my hands, sets it on the table, and pulls me into his lap so I can straddle him.
“Are you coming onto me, Mr. Redding?” I tease as I grind against him. He goes hard instantly, and his tip presses against me, begging for entrance.
The image of me round and pregnant in a white wedding dress flashes before my eyes, and I fly off his lap, my foot getting caught in the process, causing me to fall to the floor with a thump.
“What the hell, Meg? Are you trying to kill yourself?” he asks as he reaches down to help me up, but I don’t take his hand. Instead, I push myself off the ground and casually take a seat in the chair to put some distance between us. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” I lie, searching the room for something to stare at that’s not Vinnie.
“I call bullshit. You’re a horrible liar.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I just…”
Just what, Megan? How are you going to explain yourself?
I had a dream… I was pregnant. I’d rather not make it a reality.
“I felt it too, and I’m sorry. For the record, I wouldn’t have let things go any further.”
All I can do is nod, the pregnant version of me in a white dress all I can focus on. Vinnie keeps talking, apologizing. I can hear him, but I’m not listening, so when he places his hand on my knee, I jump to my feet and let out a yelp.
Vinnie stands, puts his hands up in surrender, and takes a step back.
“I’m sorry,” I quickly say. “It’s my fault. I’m the one who started it.”
“I’m pretty sure I was the one who started it, but I just need you to know that I wouldn’t have gone there. Not without your permission. Judging by your reaction, you wouldn’t have given it.”
Unprotected sex. Aside from Ryder, the only other person I’ve ever been with barrier-free is Jared. He didn’t ask my permission. He slid inside me and ruined my marriage at that exact moment.
Another reason I refuse to forgive him.
Shaking my head, I pick up my forgotten mug of coffee and take a seat next to him. The last thing I want is for him to think I’m scared of him, his touch, or what almost happened a few minutes ago.
I attempt to explain myself to him, telling him about Jared and the scare it gave me. He was only inside me for a moment, but it was long enough that when I missed my period, I freaked out and practically barged into the doctor’s office the next day.
Thankfully, I wasn’t pregnant. Not that I wouldn’t want another child at some point, but I didn’t want one with him. He represents all that went wrong in my life. He destroyed my marriage. Or rather, he helped me destroy it.
The doctor blamed it on stress. At the time, I was beyond my limits. Every little thing pushed me further and further toward the edge. When it didn’t come the next month either, I started stocking up on home tests to make sure the doctor hadn’t missed something.
It wasn’t until after Ryder served me with divorce papers that I finally broke. My stress level boiled over and my body broke down. I let it all go, and sure enough, my period came days later while I was mentally kicking my own ass for all the stupid things I had done to bring myself to that point.
“Listen,” Vinnie starts, slowly wrapping his arm around my shoulders and allowing me to lean against him. “What you went through was hard, I get that, but I think you might still be holding on to the person who made those mistakes. You’re not that person anymore, Meg. I can see that. You’ve been completely transparent with me about what happened and why. It’s time to let it go and move on. You’re so much more than your mistakes in life.”
Am I? Or will I always wear the mark of a cheater? I feel like it’s tattooed across my forehead sometimes. Like people can look at me and see all the horrible things I’ve done without ever even talking to me.
“You’ll always be your own biggest critic,” he continues as he strokes my hair. “You need to stop beating yourself up and allow yourself to move on. Ryder has.”
His words smack me across the face, their sting reminding me of when Ally told me about the rumor.
Does he really think I’m still stuck on my ex? Does he think I’m playing games with him? I sure as hell hope not. Because I’m not. I don’t want Ryder back. What I want is what we had in the beginning. The love we shared. The hope I felt.
But not with Ryder.
I want it for myself. With someone else.
I want a brighter outlook on life. For the darkness that follows me to fade from black to gray. To not consume me at night when I’m unable to push it away.
I want my life back.
Really, I want more than that. I want to be happy and to find someone to share that happiness with. And I think I’ve found him.
“I have moved on,” I mumble against his chest. “I hope you
don’t doubt that.”
“Moving on is more than letting the other person go. You have to forgive yourself, Megan. Until you can do that, this will always weigh on you and you’ll never allow yourself to be truly happy.”
Sexy, smart, and wise. As much as I want to disagree with him, there’s no point. He’s right. I may have let Ryder go, but I’m still holding on to the horrible memories of that day. I still dream about them at night. About Ryder. About Jared. And now, I’m mixing Vinnie and Emerson into those nightmares.
But how do I forgive myself?
It’s not an overnight event. It’s going to take weeks, months, maybe even years to really move past the mistakes I’ve made. To forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused. To heal from the repercussions of my actions.
Every time I see Ryder, it brings back memories, good and bad. The bad overshadow the good, but maybe, if I can find a way to focus on the good, I can get back to being the person I was before everything turned to shit.
Vinnie continues to hold me, stroking my hair, as I ponder where to go from here. The sun begins to shine through the curtains a while later, and he forces me to get up. We get to spend the entire day together, and he’s not going to let us waste it sitting on the couch, focusing on anything other than each other.
Chapter Fourteen
Mid-April in Michigan can be a bit unpredictable. For instance, Vinnie and I decided to take a walk down to the beach. He was excited to see a little of the tiny town I live in and wanted to treat me to lunch.
When we left the house, it was a gorgeous spring afternoon. The sun was shining; there was a light breeze and not a cloud in the sky.
Fast forward two hours and it’s pouring rain. The sky is dark, and Vinnie and I are standing under an awning, dripping wet and out of breath.
The storm moved fast. Within five minutes of spotting the clouds over the water, we were soaked. The warmth of the day vanished along with the sun.
By the time we made it to the nearest restaurant, it was apparent that we weren’t going to be able to go inside and enjoy lunch. Not looking the way we did. Not soaked to the bone. They never would have let us in.
We had two options. We could either make a run for my house, an easy ten minutes with the rain beating down on us. Or we could call for help. Waiting for the storm to pass was ruled out as an option once we took a look at the radar. It would be hours before the rain stopped.
The way I figured it, Ally owed us a favor.
ME: I need a ride. Stuck in the storm.
ALLY: That explains why you’re not answering your door. I’ve been knocking for ten minutes. Where are you?
ME: Why are you at my house?
ALLY: I think my wallet fell out in Vinnie’s car last night.
Giving Ally directions to where we’re hiding, we wait until I see her car slowly making its way down the street. Stepping out from under the awning, I wave her down and duck back under once I’m sure she spotted us.
“Holy shit!” I exclaim once I’m in the car. “Thanks for coming to our rescue.”
“No problem. If I had known you were that wet, I would have broken in the house and snagged a couple towels.”
Looking down at my clothes, I notice a dark spot slowly growing around my body. Her seats are going to be soaked.
“Playing in the rain was a lot more fun when I was a kid,” Vinnie says as Ally makes a U-turn and heads back toward my house.
“I’ve always hated the rain,” Ally replies, kicking her wipers up a notch when the storm intensifies.
“In California, it’s refreshing. Especially on a hot summer day.”
“Welcome to Michigan where there are only two seasons. Winter and construction. It’s balmy and hot for about two months, comfortable for three, and cold as hell the rest of the year,” I mutter.
Ally and Vinnie laugh in unison at my joke.
“Construction is a season, huh? That’s new,” Vinnie says as Ally slows around a corner, careful not to hit the growing puddle of water.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed all the orange cones on the roads. Those come out as soon as the snow begins to melt.”
The three of us laugh the rest of the short ride back to my house. My legs are trembling by the time we make it through the storm and to the safety of the living room. I immediately excuse myself to jump in a hot shower. I expect Vinnie to follow, but he doesn’t, and I hear him laughing from the kitchen when I turn the shower off.
“One more. I need ammo,” I hear Ally say as I enter the kitchen.
“Watch out,” I joke, wrapping my arm around her shoulder. “She has too much ammo as it is.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ally says, brushing her hair back dramatically and batting her long eyelashes at me.
“Oh, I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Just because I tell you everything doesn’t mean I’m the center of it all.”
“Then who is?” I ask, challenging her to give up her source.
“What am I missing?” Vinnie asks as Ally and I stare at each other, daring the other to speak first.
“Megan seems to think I’m the source of the gossip around the office even though I’ve sworn many times that I’m not. I only share what I hear; I don’t start the rumors.”
“So, everything I just told you about Tyler…” Vinnie’s voice trails off, his eyes going wide. I’ve never seen a sexier “oh shit” look in my life. You can see the concern in his eyes. Concern for Tyler, for their friendship.
“Not my business to spread. Plus, none of that is juicy enough for people to want to talk about.”
Vinnie’s body slouches forward, and then a grin appears. “I guess if anything does get out, I know who I can pin it on, though.”
“Ouch! My word is worth something, thank you very much. If I say I’m not going to say anything, I won’t. Plus, I’ve kept my mouth shut about certain rumors that I knew weren’t true.” Ally’s eyes dart to mine and then quickly back to Vinnie.
I know exactly what she’s talking about. The rumor about me using Vinnie. Thankfully, he doesn’t press her for more details. The damn thing is so preposterous I don't plan on telling him. I don’t even want to put the thought in his head that it’s a possibility. That would be like planting a seed and expecting it not to grow.
Ally and Vinnie poke back and forth, their friendship blossoming before my eyes. It warms my heart that my best friend and my boyfriend get along. Few people like Ally. They judge her before they get a chance to know her. I’m sure Vinnie’s heard rumors about her, been warned by Tyler to stay away from her. I like that he’s making his own judgment. It says a lot more about him than it does about her.
“Girls’ night. Tonight. Be there or I’ll come find you,” Ally warns as she runs out the front door, covering her head with her jacket.
The rain is still pouring down and showing no signs of letting up.
“Call me when you get home!” I holler after her as Vinnie slides up behind me, placing his hands on my hips.
The storm seems to be ramping up instead of calming down. I’m tempted to tell her to stay here until it passes, but Ally’s not the type of person to take shelter when things get rocky. She faces everything head on like a bull taunted by a red cape. She goes full force into every aspect of life, unafraid of the consequences of her actions.
I envy her sometimes.
She’s fearless and strong. Two things that are admirable in anyone. I’ve lost my inner strength in the last year. As far as being fearless… I’m not sure I ever have been. Cautious is more my style. Predictable.
People don’t tend to see that when they look at me, though. Even before the whole cheating scandal. I only show them what I want them to see, and that’s a version of myself that people either love or hate. Ally loves me for who I am; most people don’t. I’m fine with that.
Accepting someone is different than liking them. I’ll take acceptance any day.
&n
bsp; “What are you thinking about?” Vinnie whispers in my ear.
We’re still standing in the open doorway. Ally’s long gone and has been.
“How much I admire Ally sometimes,” I confess, feeling comfortable telling him anything.
That’s a new sensation.
“Whys that?”
“Because she knows who she is, who she wants to be, and isn’t afraid to show it. She may not be perfect, but she’s real.”
“And you’re not?”
“Not always.”
“Why?”
“If I were to show people who I really am, they wouldn’t like me as much.”
“So, you pretend to be someone you’re not and they like you? Why would you want them in your life if they don’t accept you for who you are? The good and the bad? What about with me? Is this the real you, or are you putting on a front? Are you pretending to be the person you think I want you to be?”
With each question, Vinnie takes a step back. By the time his voice fades, I can’t feel the warmth of his body anymore. When I turn around, I find him reaching for his coat.
He’s leaving me.
“Wait,” I plead, stepping inside and closing the door. “When I’m with you, I’m exactly who I want to be. You bring out the best in me. You know more about me and the things I’ve done than anyone else. Even Ally. I swear this is me. The real me.”
“Why not be this person all the time, then? You’re a great person, Meg. You have to see that. And others would, too, if you let them.”
Vinnie slides his jacket on and pulls his keys from the front pocket of his jeans.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to meet the movers at Tyler’s house to unload my things.”
“Are you coming back?”
He pauses before answering, a thoughtful look on his face.
“When I first spotted you at the wedding, you were sitting next to Allison. When I asked about you, Tyler thought I was asking about her. She didn’t stand out to me. She was just another girl. You, though, you were different. There was something about you that made me want to get to know you. I watched you most of the night, and the more I saw, the more intrigued I was. Then you basically tried to tell me to fuck off. That’s when I really started to like you.
Rumors: Megan & Vinnie Page 10
