“Call it what you will, you two were eye-fucking each other, and you were breathing so hard it looked like you might pass out.”
Damn it, Ally.
Finally finding the courage to direct my attention away from Vinnie, I’m surprised to find the majority of the table holding in their laughter, Ally included. The only one who’s not is Ryder. His expression is emotionless, and when I look in his direction, he looks away immediately.
Reason number one people don’t hang out with their exes… awkward moments like this.
Reason number two… moving on is hard enough as it is. Being around someone you once loved more than you loved yourself is torture, especially when you see them with someone else. No matter if you’ve found someone else or not, there will always be a place in your heart for that person, big or small.
I’ll always love Ryder. He was the first man I ever felt completely consumed by. The last year has been painfully hard. Knowing he was with Emerson almost destroyed me. Tonight, with him here looking at me as if he couldn’t give a shit less about me, nothing could feel worse.
Chapter Sixteen
My newfound confidence disappeared the moment I saw the look on Ryder’s face. Sure, I was still going to be the person I wanted to be, but with him around, I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells. Especially if he heard anything I was saying.
Things between us were not resolved. They may never be. Not unless I explain myself to him.
His forgiveness is not what I’m seeking, though. It’s acceptance I want more than anything. Acceptance that I made a mistake and that he recognizes that I’m owning my poor choices. He, more than anyone else, should know the kind of person I am.
There was a time when he loved me.
A time when I meant more to him than anything else and vice versa.
Before we were married. Before his career took off. Before Amara.
She was a product of our love. Something I made sure she knew when we separated. Her parents may not live together anymore, but that didn’t change the way we felt about her.
As much as I don’t want to do this, I think the time has come, and there’s only one way to make sure it happens. I have to trap him. Corner him. Not give him a way to escape me.
It’s time to talk to Ryder.
As the elevator slowly climbs, my palms begin to sweat. I called Helen and asked her to make sure he was available but also asked her to make sure he didn’t know I was coming to see him. That gave her a giggle. I swear the old lady lives for things like that. To be someone’s accomplice.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me. She sits alone at the front desk, all day long, with no one to talk to. Her interaction with clients is minimal, directing them to the appropriate office or conference room for meetings. Fielding phone calls and typing up interoffice emails are quite possibly the highlights of her day.
So when the door slides open and her head pops up from behind her desk, I smile brightly at her and wave as I approach.
“It’s so nice to see you, Mrs. Dixon.”
That stings a little. I decided not to change my name after the divorce for Amara’s sake. It doesn’t bother me to be called Mrs. Dixon usually. Maybe it’s the timing, the office, or Helen’s sickly sweet voice, but right now, I’d rather be anyone else.
“You too, Helen. Is he in his office?” I ask, looking around to find things quieter than normal. There’s a young woman at her desk outside Tyler’s office, but otherwise, the coast is clear.
“He is. He just returned from a meeting. I have to warn you, I don’t think it went well. He seemed agitated.”
“Thanks for the heads up,” I reply, walking around her desk and heading into Ryder’s office.
When I pass Ally’s desk, I notice her phone sitting on the corner, the green light flashing. Helen promised Ally wouldn’t be around when I came, but it appears she’s here somewhere. Ally doesn’t travel far without her phone. Ever.
Walking through Ryder’s open door, he doesn’t bother to look up.
“Leave the file on the table. I’ll get to it next,” he replies. He must think I’m Ally.
Shutting the door, he peels his eyes away from the papers in front of him, and his jaw drops open.
“What are you doing here, Megan?” he asks, recovering from the shock of seeing me and returning his attention to his work.
“I was hoping to talk to you about a few things,” I state, flipping the lock before approaching. My legs feel like they may buckle at any moment, so I take a seat across from him.
“I have work to do. Can we do this another time?”
“I’d rather get this out of the way now. Five minutes, I promise. All you have to do is listen.” My voice cracks, making it sound like I’m close to tears. That’s not the case. I’m done shedding tears over what happened.
“I’ve heard all I want to hear from you. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing left to say,” he replies dismissively.
He doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Well, that’s too bad because this conversation should have taken place a long time ago. Before we fought over custody. Before the divorce was finalized. It’s well overdue, and whether he wants to listen or not, it’s going to happen right now.
“I never intended on cheating on you. That wasn’t my plan. What I didn’t know was that Jared had other ideas.” I pause to make sure he’s actually listening before I continue. His pen is poised but not moving. I definitely have his attention.
“I was lonely, and it felt like you were slipping away. All I wanted was to get your attention. Jared called one day, and I was upset, and he came up with a way to get your attention. I shouldn’t have listened to him. It was stupid, and it destroyed your faith in me and our marriage. I’ll take responsibility for that. When Angela caught us, I was sure she would run straight to you and tell you, but you never said anything. So Jared thought we should try again, and even though I really didn’t want to, I let him talk me into it. This time, he took things a little too far. As soon as he heard you come in the house, he took advantage and made his move.
“I’ll spare you the details, but after you saw us together and walked away, I shared a few choice words with him. I haven’t spoken to him since even though he’s tried to contact me.”
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“Because you deserve to know. I didn’t cheat on you, Ryder. That was never my intention. All I wanted was for you to pay attention to me, to notice me, to spark something inside you. Our relationship felt like it was dying, and our only connection was Amara. I was alone and desperate.”
“And you screwed my best friend.”
“No, he tried to screw me.” I’m getting defensive even though I don’t want to. There’s no point. As long as we keep things factual.
“I’m not talking about in our house, in our bed. I’m talking about before we met. In college.”
“Right, before I met you. Before I fell in love with you, married you, and had your child. Never once did I look at him the way I looked at you.”
Ryder sits back, tosses his pen on his desk, and rubs his hands down his face. He wants to hear this about as much as I want to tell him. It’s heartbreaking, what I put him through. I broke him.
“When I saw you two together, it was like a slap across the face. I knew he was inside you, Megan. I saw it on your face. Angela had come to me, and I was angry, but I didn’t want to believe it. So, I watched you. I snooped in your cell phone. I checked your phone records. The evidence was there. The day I called my attorney was the hardest day of my life. I still loved you, but I thought I knew what was going on. I thought you were cheating on me. He drew up the paperwork but didn’t file it until I gave him the go ahead. Then I walked in our room and all my suspicions were confirmed. You were, in fact, cheating. There was no other explanation for what was going on. The reason doesn’t matter. The circumstances don’t matter. It happened.”
The room falls silent while I
take in everything he said. I’m formulating my response when Ryder’s voice cuts the tension with a knife.
“I forgive you, Megan.”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. For Amara. For my sanity. So I don’t feel this constant hatred for the woman I once loved.”
“I’ll be honest with you, Ryder. I didn’t come here for your forgiveness. I came here because I saw the look in your eyes last night at the bar. I saw the detest and anger and knew it was time we had this conversation. It was long overdue. We’ve both moved on, but this is a huge step in moving forward. At least for me. Talking about it and explaining myself is important to me. So, thank you, for listening and for forgiving me. It’s more than I hoped for coming here.”
“Emerson told me everything last night when we got home.”
“She did?”
On one hand, I’m shocked. There was no reason for her to tell Ryder. She made it clear that I should, though. On the other, I’m not surprised at all. If Ryder remained in the foul mood he was in when he was at the bar, this would have been the only way to break him of it. Giving him the information that he needed to see through the fog of hate that was surrounding him.
“I didn’t want to hear it. She forced me to listen. She defended you, your actions. Something about a text message. Your resistance to the idea. You know, Jared and I have been talking again.” I didn’t know. There’s no reason for him to ever speak with Jared again. “He tells a different version of the story than you do, by the way.”
“I’m sure he does. I’m sure he paints himself as the victim,” I mutter, rolling my eyes.
“Of course, and I should have known he was lying to me. He’s always been selfish. It’s always been about what he wants, what he needs. That doesn’t make him a bad person. It’s the way he goes about getting things that does.”
Thinking back on college, the way I met Jared, it all starts to make sense. I was a conquest. He wanted to get laid, and I happily jumped in his bed. Anytime he called, I’d drop what I was doing, rush over, and make his dreams come true. Not because the sex was amazing but because he made me feel special.
He wouldn’t commit, though. I mentioned it a few times. Referred to him as my boyfriend in front of him. That’s when he introduced me to Ryder. He was done with me. It wasn’t about having fun anymore. I wanted something he couldn't give me… a relationship. A commitment. I didn’t want to be someone’s booty call.
“You know, as hard as it was to walk in here and tell you everything that happened, I’m glad I did.” With my heart at ease, my words come out strong and sure. For the first time since our divorce, I’m not uncertain around Ryder. I’m not worried about what he’s thinking because I know where we stand.
A slow smile spreads across Ryder’s face. One I’ve seen many times before. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was grinning at the fact I caved to his demands in bed. That’s not the case.
This smile, the glorious look on his face, is one that will lead down a road of mischief. This is his playful smile. It’s gotten him in trouble more times than I can count. Probably because I was there by his side, engaging in the act with him.
“What?” I ask, holding back a laugh as I remember the trouble that smile used to get us into.
“I think we owe Jared a little payback, don’t you?” he says, reaching for his phone in the process.
“Ryder, it’s not worth it. I’d rather not ever hear his voice again if that’s okay with you.”
Even the thought of speaking to Jared has me itching to run the other way. I could live the rest of my life never hearing or speaking his name again and be content.
“Megan, you’re stronger than you think. It took balls to come in here and confess the truth about what happened. If I didn’t believe what you told me, I wouldn’t have forgiven you for everything. Now, I think you owe me one last adventure,” he states firmly.
Adventure, huh? That’s what he used to call his schemes back in the days. He’d ask me if I wanted to go on an adventure. I’d immediately agree, knowing fun lay ahead.
This doesn’t feel fun. In fact, it feels close to torture if he’s thinking what I’m fairly certain he is.
“I may be strong, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still hold the power to break me. I don’t think you realize how much he already has. You do realize the last six months of our marriage was a sham because I was masking my hurt, right? I was putting on a brave front, pushing people away any way I could, so I could be alone. I cried myself to sleep every night, Ryder. No matter how brave I am now, he has the ability to strip it all away with one word. Just the mention of his name makes my chest tighten. I can’t imagine what the sound of his voice may do.”
Thinking it over for a few minutes, Ryder puts his phone down and rocks in his chair.
“Okay, hear me out. First, you went through that alone, and you’re not alone anymore. If you need someone to lean on, you have Ally or Vinnie or even me. I’m right here. Second, he deserves what’s coming to him. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, for the trouble he caused. I’m not saying we’d still be married or that things would have worked out differently, but he played a major part in why things crumbled. He knows that. He knew exactly what he was doing. I would put money on the fact that he had a plan the entire time.
“Get you in bed. Destroy our marriage. Swoop in and rescue you. That was his plan. He wanted you back. Help heal his broken heart.”
His broken heart. At the cost of my own. At the cost of Ryder’s.
“It was his fault she left him, you know.”
Laughter bursts from Ryder’s chest. It’s a sound I haven’t heard in years. We used to laugh together all the time but even this is different.
“Is that what he told you? She never left him, Megan. They’re still together. Their wedding is coming up next month. That’s why he finally called me. He wants me there, to stand up with him. To be by his side. He wanted my forgiveness.”
Seriously? Is everything he ever told me a complete line of bullshit?
Anger surges through my veins. Anger at myself for believing him. Anger at Jared for playing me the way he did. He took advantage of my caring heart and strung me along for a ride I didn’t want.
“Listen, he loves Jennifer. At least he thinks he does. He wants to. Jared is incapable of love in my opinion. He’ll get bored of her again and try to find someone else to fuck with. He’ll ruin someone else’s life, and unless she finds out the kind of person he really is, she’ll still be there by his side. She has no idea what happened between you, between us. She probably thinks you’re coming to the wedding with me.”
“So what do you want to do? Break them up? Give him a dose of his own medicine? I can’t do that to her. She doesn’t deserve to feel the pain I felt.”
“No, I want him to change, and the only way to make that happen is to fuck with him a little.”
Ryder rubs his hands together and reaches for his phone. Waving it around in the air, I nod, giving him the go-ahead to make the call.
This doesn’t feel right, but if it can save her from getting hurt, I don’t see another option. As much as I’m afraid hearing his voice will send me spiraling down a dark path, it’ll be worth it in the end if he learns a lesson. Right?
Chapter Seventeen
My heart is pounding in my chest. Echoing in my ears. Refusing to calm down as Ryder’s phone rings, echoing off the walls of his office. He put the damn thing on speaker.
“Hey, man!”
Jared’s voice brings my heart to a crashing halt. He sounds happy. Normal. Like he hasn’t a care in the world.
Why would he? He’s talking to his best friend on the phone. Nothing’s wrong with that. It’s not out of the ordinary. Not if they’ve been talking again. Not if Ryder agreed to stand up for him in his wedding.
“Hey. I was just looking over my calendar and wanted to make sure I have the dates right for the wedding.”
The two o
f them go back and forth for a few minutes, talking wedding dates, times, and plans for the bachelor party. Jared wants a stripper, of course. One last hurrah, I bet.
“Cool. I guess I’ll see you in a few weeks then. I’ll shoot you details about the bachelor party once I finalize them.”
“Sounds good, man. Thanks again for being my best man.”
Best man? Really? Ryder, you’re an idiot. You fell for his line of bullshit harder than I did.
“Oh, that reminds me,” Ryder begins, looking at me. “I was talked to Megan, and she finally took responsibility for what happened. Can you believe that?”
“She did? I figured she’d blame me for everything. You know how she is.”
His words don’t match his tone. He’s clearly shocked by the fact that Ryder and I even talked about it.
“Her story was a little different than yours, but for the most part, I was able to piece together the truth.”
“I told you the truth, man. That’s all you need to know. Look, I gotta run. Jen’s going to be home in a few minutes, and we have some details to finalize.”
“Well, I think you may have stretched the truth a little, don’t you?” Ryder ignores Jared’s attempt to change the subject.
“What did that little bitch tell you? You know she lies. She probably tried to make it sound like it was all my idea.”
Defensive much, Jared?
Making eye contact with Ryder, he nods at me. He wants me to say something. To confront him.
“I showed him the text messages,” I finally say, my voice sounding weak. Hopefully he can’t hear it.
“Megan? What the hell, man? Take me off speaker,” he demands.
“Nah. I think you need to listen to what she has to say because, at the end of this conversation, I’m pretty sure you owe her an apology.”
Ryder, the man I once loved, who held my heart, is standing up for me. Protecting me.
Rumors: Megan & Vinnie Page 12
