That night as he lay in bed in his trailer, Nick thought about Christianna again, and her extraordinary high-wire act. He couldn’t get her out of his mind. He could still see her dancing on the wire, turning backward and then forward again, high above the crowd. He had nightmares about it that night, as though he could see her falling, and in his dream he reached out to catch her, but couldn’t get to her in time, and she fell into a deep hole in silence, her eyes watching him until she disappeared. Nick woke up in a cold sweat, and was still thinking about her when he went back to sleep. He felt better in the morning, but he hated what he had seen the night before. That much danger seemed like too much to him. He said something about it to Gallina that afternoon, and she rolled her eyes.
“That whole family has a death wish,” she said with disapproval. “I think her father pushes her to do it. He’s a crazy old man who thinks that the only thing that matters is the high wire. She should at least use a net, but then I suppose the audience wouldn’t love it the way they do. I’m not willing to take those chances. I have children,” she said simply. Nick knew that she occasionally worked without a net, too, but less and less now. And when she didn’t, Sergei stayed angry at her for weeks. The circus didn’t expect her to take that kind of risk—they had Christianna to do that. And Christianna had a younger sister their father was grooming too. She was only thirteen and too young for the high wire. But soon she’d be up there.
Two days after the Christmas show, Nick and the boys celebrated a quiet Christmas Eve together. They had bought a small tree and decorated it in the trailer. Nick bought lights, and Toby helped him string them up outside. The trailer looked festive, but still pretty bleak. It was the thing Nick disliked most about circus life. He hated the trailer, and living less well than his horses. But it was their life now. And they all lived the same way in the circus.
Nick lit candles on the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and it reminded them of Germany. He felt a lump in his throat as he sat with his children, trying not to think of the people they’d left behind and a lifetime of Christmases at the schloss. They’d been in Florida for almost two months, but in some ways it felt like an eternity to him. His sons were adjusting well, but there were times when he wondered if he would ever have a normal life again, among the people he’d grown up with, in the home his family had lived in for centuries. Everything here was new and totally foreign to him, except his children, and their horses. Everything else still felt strange. He questioned if he’d ever fully adjust to this life, or be allowed to go home again, or if he’d be an outcast forever.
All three of them were quiet as they watched the candles on the tree, thinking about what they missed most. And when the boys went to bed, he blew the candles out. He didn’t want the trailer to go up in a blaze, but it had been nice to light them for a while. He thought about Alex and his father as he lay in bed that night, how they were faring, what kind of Christmas it was for them. He was worried about his father being alone, and he wrote to him often, but there was nothing he could do to help him now, and he knew that Alex was dropping by to see him as often as he could. And he assured Nick in his letters that his father was doing well. Nick hoped that was true.
There was a festive feeling on the fairgrounds for the week between Christmas and New Year’s. People invited each other into their trailers for meals and a drink. Others went out and had dinner in town. The circus gave a big party in the main tent right before New Year’s, which almost everyone attended, and Nick and his boys went too. It gave them a chance to meet new people and see the few they already knew. Nick heard every imaginable language around him, and was surprised by how many Germans there were, as well as numerous Italians and French.
With the emotions of Christmas behind them, there was New Year’s to get through, and then the boys would go back to school after their vacation. They liked the school that other children from the circus went to. And their English was getting better. And they were to leave on tour in April. Nick was looking forward to it as a welcome change that would keep them busy. And it would be interesting to see new places, and discover America town by town, from one coast to the other. The boys were excited about it too.
They spent New Year’s Eve with Gallina and Sergei and their family, and Nick and the boys went home shortly after midnight. He had let both boys have a taste of champagne, Toby more than Lucas, who only got a drop. He and Rosie played checkers and fell asleep long before midnight, and Nick carried him home when they left. It had been a nice way to end the year, with their new friends, and comforting to speak German with them and share similar traditions.
The next day, Nick was grooming the horses when he saw Lucas walk down the road with Rosie, heading toward the big top. He told him to be back in time for lunch, and Lucas promised that he would. And he had just finished brushing Pegasus, and started on Athena, when Rosie came running into the tent, in tears.
“Lucas got hurt!” she shouted at him in German. Nick stopped what he was doing and stared at her, terrified at what might have happened. He could have been trampled by an elephant, stuck his hand in a tiger cage, or been run over by a truck. In the world they lived in, anything could happen, and might have. There were plenty of dangers at the circus for a child, particularly one as adventuresome as Lucas.
“What happened? Where is he?” Nick asked her with a frantic look, dropping the brush.
“The big top … he wanted to try the low wire, and he fell. I think he hit his head. His eyes were closed after and he didn’t get up.” Nick didn’t stop to question her further—he ran as fast as he could toward the big tent, which was the center of activity of the fairground. He couldn’t imagine what would have gotten into Lucas to play on one of the low wires, set up for practice for the high-wire acts. He ran into the tent, looking for him, and saw a small knot of people near one of the low-wire setups, and pushed his way through, fearing the worst. He had already lost his wife and one child, he couldn’t bear the thought of losing another, adrift in this unfamiliar land, which made everything seem even worse. And he saw Lucas immediately, lying on the ground in his short pants and plaid shirt, but his eyes were open and he was talking when his father got to him, and then Nick saw who he was talking to. It was Christianna, in a white leotard and ballet shoes, kneeling on the ground, stroking Lucas’s head. Lucas was smiling at her, and she had put a damp cloth on his head and told him not to get up.
Nick turned to her immediately, wondering how she came to be there, and if she had seen Lucas play on the wire. Maybe it had seemed normal to her.
“What happened?” he asked her in a sharp tone.
“I don’t know,” she said softly in English, in her strong Polish accent. He had never spoken to her before. “I came in right after he fell. He’s all right, his eyes are fine. He got a bump on the head, but he can see clearly. We can call the doctor, but I think he will be better in a little while. And his neck is fine too.” She knew what to look for and had checked. Her voice was very soft as she spoke to Nick, but she seemed sure of herself and unafraid, and she had been very gentle with the child.
Nick nodded and turned to Lucas then. “What made you do that? That was a very stupid, dangerous thing to do. You could have broken your neck.” His own terror made him sound harsh, but he was scared more than angry. The low wire was only five feet off the ground, and was nothing compared to the high wire, but it was high enough for him to have done himself some serious damage. Nick was relieved he hadn’t. He looked gratefully at Christianna, as he lifted the boy into his arms. And when he did, Lucas closed his eyes and said he felt sick to his stomach.
“I think he has a concussion,” she said quietly. “But if you keep him in bed, he’ll be better tomorrow.” And then she smiled. “It used to happen to me all the time, in the beginning.”
“Is that why you’re brave and foolish enough to work without a net?” Nick said, only half-joking. Every time he’d seen her do it, it upset him. And as he gazed at her, he knew he had never seen such brilli
antly blue eyes in his life, and they bored into him like a bright light she was shining on him. It took his breath away when he saw them and made him want to close his eyes. But he couldn’t stop staring at her now. She was mesmerizing.
“It’s what my family does,” she answered simply, undisturbed by what he’d said. But it was also how her mother had died, and her father had gotten hurt. It sounded like a bad family tradition to him. “Would you like me to come and watch him with you for a while?” she offered, and Nick didn’t know why, but he nodded, and the girl in the leotard followed him out of the tent, and walked quickly to their trailer with him. “I’ll get the doctor if you like,” she offered, but Lucas was talking animatedly on the way back, and seemed to be recovering rapidly, despite the nasty bump on his head. “I think he’s all right,” she said again, and walked cautiously into their trailer behind Nick with his son in his arms.
“You scared me to death,” he scolded Lucas, who looked sheepish as his father laid him down on his bed, and went to get another damp cloth. Christianna already had it ready for him, and handed it to him when he turned around. He put it on Lucas’s forehead and told him to stay there for a while, and then he came back into the living room to thank Christianna for her help. “He shouldn’t have done that,” Nick said, upset.
“They shouldn’t leave the wire up. I always take it down after I work. People don’t realize that it’s still high enough to get hurt.” He nodded and couldn’t resist asking her a question, as her eyes burned into his. Her gaze was intense. And standing next to her, he realized what a tiny person she was. She was barely bigger than a child herself, but she was a woman, with infinite gentleness in her gaze as she looked up at him. There was something totally fearless about her that intrigued him, and the wisdom of the ages in her expression.
“Why do you do that? It’s so dangerous. I watched you at the Christmas show, and it made me feel sick. I was frightened for you,” he said gently. She fascinated him. “I’m sorry if I sounded harsh before, but I hate to see you do it.”
“It used to make me feel sick too,” she admitted, “but it doesn’t anymore. I’m not afraid. That’s why I can do it. It’s the fear that makes you fall. If you’re not afraid, you don’t fall.”
It sounded overly simplistic to him, and too confident and optimistic. “And if you slip?”
“I never do,” she said quietly. He could see, talking to her, that she had no fear at all, at least not of the high wire. But something had happened to bring her parents down, other than fear. And they had been experienced too.
“You might one day. Isn’t there some other way you can thrill the crowd?” he asked her bluntly.
“Not like that. That’s what they want. It’s why they come.” And he knew that in part what she said was true. They loved the danger and the risk, he could sense that when he saw the crowd’s reaction to her act. “Your horses are very beautiful,” she said, changing the subject away from herself. “I like the white ones. They look like dancers, and what you do with them looks like ballet.”
“It almost is, and when I work with them as a pair, it’s called that.” Nick smiled as he said it. “Do you ride?”
“I have. Horses frighten me,” she said, with a small smile.
“I find that hard to believe. A woman who dances on the high wire without a net can hardly be afraid on a horse a few feet off the ground.”
“They’re unpredictable. You never know what they’ll do. On the wire, I only have to depend on me.” What she said was true.
“With a good horse, you can depend on them too. I’ll show you sometime.” She nodded and seemed to like the idea, and then they went to check on Lucas again. He was lying on his bed, playing with a toy, and he seemed fine. Lucas looked up and smiled at her.
“Thank you for helping me,” he said with a shy smile.
“Don’t play on my wire again,” she said with a look that told him she meant it. She had a will of iron, and it showed in her eyes. She was a tiny person, with an enormous spirit. She had to be in order to do what she did. And then Rosie walked into the trailer looking for Lucas and Nick. Nick called out to tell her they were in Lucas’s room. She appeared in the doorway looking panicked, and then burst into a broad smile when she saw he was all right.
“I thought you were dead,” she said to her friend.
“I wasn’t,” he said proudly. “Just resting for a minute.”
“You rested for a long time,” Rosie said matter-of-factly. “I called your name and you didn’t wake up.”
“I hit my head, but it’s better now. She helped me,” he said, glancing at Christianna again, and she smiled.
“You were already awake when I got there, just a little dazed.” She had gone to practice and found Lucas on the ground, coming to. Rosie had already run off to find Nick.
“I don’t want you two out of my sight from now on,” Nick scolded them both. “It’s my fault for letting you go off on your own. I didn’t know you’d be foolish enough to play on a wire.”
“My mama won’t let me play on it either,” Rosie confessed to Nick, as Christianna walked slowly out of the room. There was nothing more for her to do, and she didn’t want to intrude. Nick followed her to the front door.
“Would you like to come and see my horses sometime? You can ride Pegasus. I’ll hold the reins.”
“Not if he stands on his back legs,” she said shyly.
“He knows not to do that if I’m not riding him or telling him to,” Nick said with a warm look. “I won’t let him frighten you. He’s very tame. And Athena is even more so, if you’d rather try her.”
“Maybe sometime,” she said cautiously.
“You’re welcome anytime,” he said as she stepped out of the trailer into the winter sunshine. It was a warm day. “And thank you again for helping Lucas. He’s lucky you were there and knew what to do.” She had kept him from getting up too quickly, which would have been dangerous. He might have fainted and hit his head again.
“I’m glad he’s all right.” He could have broken his neck, too, which was what she had feared at first. It was how her mother had died. She smiled at Nick again then, and left, with her perfect tiny body molded by the leotard as she headed back toward the big tent. Nick stood and watched for a minute and then went back inside.
“She’s pretty,” Lucas volunteered as soon as his father came back into his room. “I like her.”
“I do too,” Nick said, smiling at him.
“Why does everyone say she’s crazy? She’s nice.”
“Because she works without a net,” Rosie explained. “That’s a stupid thing to do. My mama says she does it because her father makes her do it, and he’s crazy too. He must be really mean to make her do a thing like that.” And as he left the two children to their conversation, Nick wondered if her father really did force her or if Christianna actually liked what she did. She seemed to, and had no qualms about it. To her, it was just work, like any other job. Most of the people in the circus seemed to feel that way, with no sense of how unusual it was. And many of them had done it for generations, unlike Nick.
He went out into the winter sun again, and sat on a chair someone had left outside the trailer next to them. There were four acrobats living in the other trailer, and they were often noisy at night. They were Chinese, from Hong Kong. And as he sat there, and lit a cigarette, Nick thought of Christianna again, how beautiful and delicate she was and how brave. He hoped she’d come to visit his horses sometime, and then he scolded himself. She was twenty-one years old, and he was about to turn forty-four. He couldn’t even think about pursuing her as a woman, and yet she appealed to him immensely. He was riveted by her eyes. He went back inside then and pushed her from his mind. The last thing he needed was to get involved with a young girl at the circus, and he told himself that she probably thought he was too old anyway.
But in spite of his good intentions, she haunted him all day. He kept thinking of her expression when she talked about n
ot being afraid of the high wire, or when he found her in the big top leaning over Lucas. There was something so gentle about her and at the same time so strong. He tried to forget about her and found he couldn’t, and by the end of the day, he felt bewitched. All he could think of were those bottomless blue eyes.
He was still thinking about her when he went to feed the horses that night, and after he did, he turned and saw her standing there. She was silently watching him with the gaze that had him in her thrall.
“I thought about you all day,” he said, not knowing what else to say. “I think you cast a spell on me.” He smiled. He felt like a boy as he looked at her, and not a man of his age. The age difference between them seemed to melt as their eyes met and held.
“I thought about you too,” she said slowly. “I came to see the horses.” He nodded and beckoned her to him, and when she stood next to him, he lifted her up gently onto Athena’s back. She was as light as a feather as he held her, and he led the mare out of her stall, holding her bridle.
“She probably can’t even feel you, you’re so light.” He smiled at Christianna, who looked at him solemnly.
“But I’m very strong,” she said proudly, pointing a graceful dancer’s leg, and he laughed.
“I’m sure you are, Christianna. Strong enough to distract me all day.” She didn’t look afraid, despite what she had said earlier about being frightened of horses. And then he turned to look at her seriously. She looked like a fairy sitting astride the horse as she gazed down at him fearlessly. Neither of them said a word. They didn’t need to. She had come to see him, not the horses, and he knew it. “What are we going to do now?” he asked her, as though they both knew what was going on. He wasn’t sure of anything except that he had never known anyone like her. And whatever happened now was entirely up to her.
She leaned toward him then and put her arms around him as he held her on the horse, and he kissed her gently, knowing it was what he had wanted to do all day and what he felt compelled to do now. She kissed him back, and when they stopped, she smiled at him, as though it was what she had come here to do. He kissed her again, and as he did, he lifted her gently to the ground, and she stood in front of him, looking up at him. And all he knew was that wherever he was, no matter how far he had come, he had come home. He had come from another lifetime, another world, across an ocean to find her, and there was no doubt in his mind about what he was doing with her, and she appeared to feel the same way.
Pegasus: A Novel Page 12
