He was startled when his father’s old lawyer contacted him, after their exchange of letters in the summer, asking for Nick’s permission to sell the estate. He had been offered a handsome price by an Austrian count, to buy everything, and after a night’s reflection, Nick took it. It wasn’t a fortune like the one they’d had before the war, but it was a great deal of money, enough to do whatever he wanted. And he knew what that was. He wanted to buy the ranch in Santa Ynez that he’d been dreaming of for years. Either an existing one, once he started looking, or he would build one. But it was time. He had been with the circus for seven years. He had just turned fifty, and he wanted a home for them and their children.
He told Christianna that when they got back to Florida, he wanted to leave the circus, and buy a ranch in California. She was horrified when he told her. She had always hoped this day would never come. But he had the money to do it now, and provide a wonderful life for all of them. The days of poverty and hardship were over—and for him, his years with the circus.
“I can’t go,” Christianna said in a choked voice.
“Are you serious?” He looked shocked. “We can do whatever we want now. We don’t have to live like gypsies in a trailer anymore.”
“But this is all I know, Nick,” she said, sounding panicked. She was twenty-eight years old, and this was the only life she’d ever known. And Chloe was two, and he wanted her to have more than the circus, before it became her only life, too, which it already was. He knew that Sandor and her brothers wouldn’t like it, but he thought this was an important move for them. And he owed it to Lucas too. He was thirteen, and needed good schools now, and a future, not just clowns as his best friends, and the bearded lady.
Christianna was so upset that she wouldn’t even talk to him about it. And she hadn’t told her father, but whenever Nick tried to bring up the subject, she said she wouldn’t leave the circus. He wanted to give notice immediately, but he agreed to wait until January or February, or even March or April when they left on tour. But he assured her again that they were leaving. And she refused to discuss it with him again. But Nick was determined, he had made the decision, and he had the money to buy or build a beautiful horse ranch and stock it with fine horses for breeding, even Lipizzaners if he wanted. He had freedom again now, but had learned so much in the meantime.
Nick got a sweet letter from Marianne at Christmas, and was surprised to learn that she had moved to Virginia, gotten married to a man who bred horses, and was already expecting a baby with him. She said her schloss hadn’t sold yet, but she was sure it would soon. And most important, she was happy and at peace. And she sounded very much in love with her husband. She wanted Nick and his family to come and visit. She was longing to see him, and suggested they come in January. Nick talked to Christianna and told her how important Marianne was to him, almost like a daughter, and she agreed to make the trip with him. She was only four years older than Marianne, and Violet was a year older than Chloe. And it would be the first time Nick had seen her in seven years. Lucas’s memories of her were already hazy, but Nick’s were crystal clear.
The weekend after New Year’s, they went to Virginia, as planned. Nick and Christianna both thought that Arthur was a wonderful person when they met him, and perfect for Marianne. Violet was adorable, and Arthur’s horse farm was spectacular. He came from an old Southern family and knew a lot about horses. And although she was shy at first, Marianne was so warm and welcoming, as was Arthur, that Christianna had a good time too. And Lucas remembered Marianne, once he saw her. She was sad not to see Toby, and it made his absence and Alex’s seem more acute to Nick. But in spite of that, they had a wonderful time with Marianne and her family. The visit was a great success. He and Christianna talked about it all the way back to Florida. And when they got back, he reminded Christianna again that he wanted to give notice. He was not going on tour again. His years in the circus were over. And he wanted a horse farm like Arthur’s.
Inevitably, it turned into an argument that lasted for weeks, and he couldn’t win. She brought her father and brothers into it, and they argued with him too. Nick simply said that he was too old to go on with the circus. He wanted a horse ranch, and to breed horses, and that was it. And for Christianna, the circus was it. She wanted no other life, and was refusing to leave with him.
In March, they came to the conclusion that he had hoped to avoid. They were separating. He was going to California with Lucas to set up a ranch. And she was staying with her family and the circus, and keeping Chloe with her. It made his heart ache to lose both of them, but he knew he had to do it. He would visit Chloe whenever he could, and when she was older, she could visit him on the ranch. Christianna was as heartbroken as he was, but she agreed. Their paths were going separate ways, and neither of them would be happy doing what the other wanted. They weren’t divorcing, but they were separating. Gallina was devastated when she heard it. And Lucas was unhappy too. He was going to miss his friends in the circus, and he loved Christianna and his little sister. But Nick was sure it was right for them to leave, and he didn’t waver.
He handed in his notice before they left on tour, and John Ringling North came to see him himself to try to dissuade him. But when they finished talking, he said he understood, and thanked Nick for staying as long as he had. He realized that it was time for him to move on.
“You saved my life,” Nick said to him gratefully. But seven years later, he needed to leave. “I’ll never forget it.” The two men shook hands. Nick had decided to leave for California the same day the circus left Sarasota on tour. There was no animosity between him and Christianna, it was just a very sad decision, and a fork in the road for both of them. They each had to follow their own path, and they were no longer the same, or headed in the same direction.
Nick had said goodbye to all his old friends that week, and he packed the horse trailers with everything but the horses the night before he left, and he and Christianna spent their last night together in the trailer. He wanted to make love to her but he didn’t. He watched her sleeping all night, but didn’t touch her. He knew he would love her forever. And she said the same the next morning when they got up. And he knew he would miss her every day from now on, but he had to follow his dream.
They walked to the horse tent together, and Christianna cried when she patted Pegasus for the last time. She was going to miss him and Athena too.
Nick and Lucas went to load up the horses then, and Christianna watched with tears rolling down her cheeks. She smiled sadly at Nick, and he brushed the top of her head with a kiss, and turned away so she wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes. And then they were all loaded up. He went to kiss Chloe, and he looked long and hard at his wife.
“Take care of yourself. Don’t give up that net again because I’m not watching.” She shook her head and knew she never would. She was trying not to think of all the ways he had made her life better.
One of her brothers got into their trailer to drive it away, and he waved at Nick. They were sorry he was leaving. And then the convoy of circus trailers and vehicles headed out. Nick and Lucas got in line to leave the fairground in the new trailer Nick had bought. They had just gotten to the exit, when Nick stopped with a look of panic. He looked at Lucas and then turned around, and headed back into the fairground.
“What are you doing, Dad?” Lucas asked, looking confused.
“Never mind. Wait here,” Nick said, pulling their trailer off the road and jumping out. He ran back to where the other trailers were in line. He ran until he saw her, by the side of the road, with her suitcases, holding Chloe, and Peter was carrying the rest of their bags. She looked like a refugee in a war zone, with big, terrified eyes. “Okay, I give up. We’re staying. We’ll stay in the circus forever. I love you,” Nick said, feeling like jello inside. The dream was worth nothing to him without her. And he loved her more than any ranch.
“We’re coming to California,” she said in a trembling voice. “We’re leaving.”
; They had each been willing to give up everything they wanted for the other. Her brother smiled at them and set down her bags.
“You’re both crazy. You deserve each other.” But he was happy for them. “So which way are we going?”
“California,” she said clearly as she looked at her husband and smiled.
“Are you sure?” Nick asked her. “I’ll stay if you want to. All I want is you. The rest isn’t important.”
“Yes, it is. To all of us. It will be good for Lucas and Chloe. I don’t want her growing up on the high wire, or terrified like my sister.” She and Nick walked to his trailer then, and her brother followed with the rest of her bags. Peter kissed them both, and Nick opened the door to speak to Lucas.
“We forgot something,” he said matter-of-factly.
“What?” Lucas asked him, confused by the delay.
“Christianna and your sister. They’re coming.” Lucas’s face exploded in smiles. Christianna settled Chloe in the backseat with a bag of toys, and slid in next to Lucas.
They waved at her brother as they left the fairground, and headed for California. It was a long trip, and took them ten days, going slowly with the horses, but they never looked back.
Chapter 27
It was six months before Nick and Christianna found their ranch in the Santa Ynez Valley. They looked every day, and the right property finally fell into their hands, on the bluff that Nick had always loved on their annual pilgrimages to Santa Ynez. Finding a ranch there was his dream come true.
They rebuilt the ranch house while living in a rented house, and by the end of the year, Pegasus Ranch was off and running, and Nick had bought six more Lipizzaners and a few Arabians. He wanted to breed the best Lipizzaners in the country, using Pegasus as his champion stud, which had always been his plan.
Lucas missed the circus and the clowns, but he liked his new school and made lots of friends, and Chloe was thriving. And even Christianna agreed that a normal home life was better for them all.
Nick exchanged letters with Marianne at Christmas. Her baby, a boy, had been born in July, and she was already pregnant again. Having lost her father, she was grateful for the contact with Nick. He was the last vestige of her lost life in Germany before the war.
Christianna’s entire family came to stay with them for several days during the holidays, and again when they were on tour in California the following summer, and they made it a tradition to come twice a year every year from then on. The house was bursting at the seams the moment they arrived, with lots of cooking, laughing, talking, and riding horses around the ranch. Although her father was still unhappy that Christianna had left the circus, he was pleased to see her with a good man and a solid life. And despite her earlier reluctance, Mina had stepped into Christianna’s shoes on the high wire. She had no choice once Christianna left, and she had taken on the role without complaint, and seemed more confident about it now. She was dating a Romanian gymnast, and her brother thought they’d get married. They were happy he was in the circus. Only Nick had gotten away with absconding with his bride.
For Nick, and even Christianna, the circus began to feel like a dream that was fading behind them. They loved living on the ranch. The circus had been exciting, but they had a life now that she had never dreamed of before. They had a beautiful home, friends, and Lucas loved his school and friends too. Christianna also loved their horses, and in time Nick had the finest Lipizzaners in the state, and wanted to have the best ones in the country. Pegasus’s foals had begun to be born, and were finer than Nick had ever hoped.
After they left the circus, Marianne sent them a Christmas card every year, announcing a new baby. She had four with Arthur now, three boys and a girl, and Violet of course. In her letters, she said that the Beaulieus came to visit them at Garrison Farm once a year, and she and Arthur and the children stayed with them in England at Haversham every summer. Marianne said they were wonderful grandparents to her other children as well. And best of all, she was happy with Arthur. She said he was the kindest man alive, and they shared a terrific life together. Just as Nick and Christianna did on their ranch. They had each found the life of their dreams, after the turbulent years of the war.
For nineteen years after Nick and Christianna left the circus, Marianne was busy with her kids, her husband, and their farm. She and Arthur added on to it, and she was always taking her children to horse shows, as all of them were serious competitive riders. She never made it to California for a visit during those years as a result. Her life was too full where she was, with five busy children and a husband. And Nick was no better. He could never get away, nor wanted to. And Lucas and Chloe kept them busy too. And monitoring Pegasus’s breeding and that of the other horses kept Nick present and intensely occupied on the ranch.
Nick was ashamed and often felt guilty at how much time had gone by without getting together with Marianne, and she felt badly about it, too, but the years passed too quickly. It was 1965 before Marianne and Violet were in Santa Barbara for a horse show Violet was in. She was training for the Olympics, and Marianne wanted to drive to the Santa Ynez Valley with Violet, and visit Nick and Christianna at last, even if it was only for a day. She was planning to leave the other children at home with Arthur, and she had a free day with Violet after the show. Nick wrote back and invited them to stay for the weekend. He felt as though he had let his old friend down, that he hadn’t seen Alex’s daughter for so long. And she was a woman now, with five grown children of her own. Nick was seventy, Christianna was forty-eight. And Chloe had turned twenty-two that year, while finishing college at a Stanford program in Florence, and speaking Italian fluently, or so she claimed.
Lucas was thirty-three, married to a terrific girl from the Valley, and working on the ranch with his father. They had only been married for a year, and didn’t have kids yet, but Nick figured they’d get around to it eventually. Lucas and Sally were in no hurry. And Nick liked her a lot. She was from a family that owned a ranch nearby, and she was as horse crazy as the Bings, and was both knowledgeable and helpful on the ranch. Nick had invited Marianne and her family to Lucas’s wedding, but she couldn’t get away, and had missed it. She wanted to at least meet Sally now, and hadn’t seen Lucas since he was fourteen, which she was sad about too. In her heart, they were part of her family, and always would be.
When Marianne got out of the car at the ranch, after the horse show in Santa Barbara, she looked no different to Nick at forty-four than she had at twenty-five, nineteen years earlier when he’d last seen her, or barely. She was the same beautiful, tall, aristocratic-looking, lanky blonde that she had been as a young girl in Germany, and when she’d married Arthur nineteen years before. And like Nick and Lucas, she’d been American now for years, ever since she married Arthur. And Violet was a beautiful young woman at twenty-three.
Marianne was bowled over when she saw Nick’s Lipizzaners—they reminded her of her father’s so long ago. And she was pleased to find Pegasus still alive at thirty-one. She considered him an old friend and went to the stables where they kept him, to say hello. He was quiet and old now, but still a spectacular-looking horse, just as he had been when she was in her teens and her father had given him to Nick. He had served Nick well to establish their bloodlines. The success of the ranch was thanks to him. And Violet was excited to see Pegasus and the other Lipizzaners too. She was a horsewoman to her core, like the grandfather she had never known. And she had the exuberance and slightly British eccentricity of her paternal grandmother, Isabel Beaulieu, with whom she spent her summers. Violet said the Beaulieus and her stepfather were close too. And although Arthur had never adopted Violet, out of deference to her father and the Beaulieus, Violet was extremely close to him and he had always been wonderful to her, and treated her no differently than his own children.
Marianne and the Bings had a wonderful visit, and spent a terrific weekend together, as Nick rode all over the ranch with Marianne, and they talked about her father, and some of the memories Nick had
n’t allowed himself to think of in years. He still missed Alex, and Toby of course. But life in Germany had faded into the mists for him, except for Alex, Toby, and his own father, Paul. It was part of another lifetime, for both of them. It all seemed so long ago.
Although Violet was ten years younger than Lucas and Sally, they were all such passionate horse people that they talked about horses all weekend, and her training on the Olympic equestrian team. They saw her ride at the ranch, and it was no surprise three years later, when they saw on TV that she won the gold medal. She was beaming during the ceremony, and Nick was proud watching her, and knew Alex would have been too.
Lucas and his wife, Sally, were so busy on the ranch that they were married for six more years before they had their first baby, Nick’s first grandchild, a little boy they named Alex, after Nick’s old friend. Lucas wrote and told Marianne, and she was touched, and sent them a tiny pair of riding boots as a baby present, in memory of her father, and her beloved old friend Toby, Lucas’s older brother. Their families were inextricably woven together, even all these years later.
Chloe was studying equine medicine at Davis by then, in order to become a vet for the horses on her father’s ranch, and her parents were thrilled with what she was doing.
They had sad news four years later, when Violet wrote to tell them that Marianne had been killed in a car accident on the way to a horse show. She was only fifty-four. It was the end of an era for Nick, and saddened him deeply. Marianne had been the last survivor of a lost world, other than Lucas, who was too young then to remember anything except his life in the circus, once he came to the States. Marianne was part of Nick’s extended family, through his bond to Alex, and a last link to him, and now she was gone too. Her early death hit Nick hard, and her daughter Violet maintained the friendship in the ensuing years. She was running her stepfather’s horse farm since none of her siblings were interested, and Arthur had turned the farm over to her on her mother’s death. He said he wanted to travel, and without his wife, no longer wanted the responsibility of the farm.
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