Covet

by Alison Ryan

  God, I need Barrett, she thought. I need him so bad. How am I going to do this without him?

  The night was long and the pain was unrelenting.

  Scarlet was trying her best to resist getting an epidural, but by midnight she was so spent, she didn’t know how much longer she could hold on. She was dilated to a 4 and getting to a 10 seemed way too far away. She wept as yet another contraction hit, her face sweaty and her blonde hair matted to her forehead.

  “Scarlet,” Vanessa said. “I hate to do this… I don’t want to leave you.”

  Vanessa had to catch a flight the next morning to a friend’s wedding. She was the maid of honor and the original plan was that she’d be back for Scarlet’s due date in a week. But, as always, things weren’t going as planned.

  “It’s okay, V,” Scarlet strained to smile. “I’m going to be just fine. You’re a great friend.”

  Vanessa was crying and clutched Scarlet’s hand, “It’s not okay that you’re doing this alone. Do you want me to call your momma?”

  Scarlet shook her head, “No. Absolutely not. She cannot know about this.”

  Vanessa shook her head, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave you. This is fucked up!”

  Scarlet’s contraction had faded a bit and she gathered her strength, “You’re not wrong about that. But this is how it is. All that matters is Thisbe. I’ll be fine. Your sister might need to get me home though.”

  “Of course, don’t worry about that,” Vanessa said. “And Thisbe…”

  “Her parents are on their way,” Scarlet said, almost sick at the word “parents.” This was all too much and even though she was desperate for Vanessa not to leave her, she needed to be strong. Vanessa had done more than enough.

  By 200 AM Scarlet finally gave in and got the epidural. It was the sweetest relief she’d ever felt in her life and she was able to sleep for a couple of hours. When the nurse came in at 500 AM to check her, she had some news.

  “You’re at a 10, Scarlet,” she said, her voice gruff. “It’s time to push. Dr. Sanders is on her way with your child’s guardians.”

  Guardians, Scarlet thought in her drugged up haze. I like that word. They will protect her from the one that would do her harm.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  The Gulfstream landed in Nashville around 1230 PM and, sure enough, Scarlet was tipsy and tired.

  “We need to get some food into you,” Barrett said. “You can’t show up like this. How about we get a bite with some friends of mine?”

  Scarlet shook her head, “I’d rather just go to the hotel. Thisbe’s parents said we can stop by tomorrow. They need some time to talk to her, gauge her reaction. I don’t want to rush anything. And honestly, I’m just very tired.”

  Barrett sighed, “It won’t be long. I need you with me.”

  Scarlet looked at him, “Why? Who are your friends? Music people?”

  Barrett looked down at his phone, unable to meet her eyes, “I might have called my lawyers. Just to see what they had to say…”

  “We agreed it wasn’t going to be like that,” Scarlet said, her voice raised. “You’re being really fucking pushy about this. I don’t like it, Barrett.”

  “We’re just going to talk,” he said. “I swear to God.”

  “Your mother is going to find out,” Scarlet said, her chin quivering. “Too many people are finding out and she’s going to hear about it and that thought terrifies me…”

  “I told you, nothing will happen. I will not allow it. Put some fucking trust in me. I haven’t let you down yet,” he said, taking her face into his hands. “I won’t start now. But you have to let me do this.”

  Scarlet looked at him, his face so kind. She knew all he wanted was for her to be happy.

  “Okay. Fine. But a short lunch and then back to the hotel, okay?”

  Barrett’s lawyers were a couple of stiff-looking guys in crisp suits. They met at Merchants, a southern kind of fancy lunch place, downtown on Broadway. Scarlet remembered that Vanessa had worked there as a waitress part-time when she stayed with her. It was weird how much had changed since then.

  Right away Barrett began discussing his options regarding Thisbe. It was agreed by all three men that Barrett had a case to gain custody and that it wouldn’t be difficult seeing that an adoption couldn’t be official without the consent of both parents.

  “Not that Scarlet is to blame,” Barrett reiterated. “And not that I want to uproot Thisbe…”

  “Actually, that sounds like it’s exactly what you want to do,” Scarlet interjected. “You want to do it legally of course, but it doesn’t make it okay.”

  Barrett sighed, “I’m not going to give her up. Either way, someone is left in pain in this situation. I’d rather it not be us this time. I’ve lost enough time with you and her. I won’t lose anymore. It’s not up for discussion.”

  Scarlet pushed her chair out to stand and walk out, but Barrett took her by the arm, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to lie to you. I can’t let someone else have our baby, Scarlet. I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier on them, it doesn’t have to be a sudden thing. But I’m going to be honest: my aim is to get her back. She needs to be with us.”

  “But you don’t understand,” Scarlet said, trying not to cry under the cool gaze of Barrett’s attorneys. “She’s all they’ve got.”

  57

  Four Years Ago

  Scarlet met Thisbe’s adoptive parents two weeks before going into labor. After talking to Dr. Sanders, she’d made some calls and a day later Paul and Melissa Holloway showed up at Vanessa’s apartment to meet their possible future baby mama.

  Dr. Sanders had known Melissa since their days in boarding school and also knew they’d struggled with infertility for almost a decade. All they wanted in the world was to have a baby and adoption seemed like the best choice for them.

  But it hadn’t been an easy road. That day on Vanessa’s couch, Melissa told Scarlet the stories. Three times they’d been so close to getting their baby and each time the birth mother had changed her mind. Their heart had been broken so many times the last couple of years, but they were determined to never give up on their dream.

  “I probably shouldn’t be sharing all of this with you,” Melissa said, wiping the tears from her cheeks with a tissue. Her husband Paul wrapped his arm around her and kissed her head. Scarlet’s heart sank thinking about how many times Barrett had made that same move.

  “I’m glad you are,” Scarlet said. “You’re obviously so committed to being parents. It’s actually inspiring.”

  Melissa smiled, “I was always told you should only have kids if you can’t imagine not having them. And that’s always been me. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a kid, mothering my Cabbage Patch dolls.”

  All three of them chuckled politely at the thought of a little Melissa and her dolls. Scarlet had a good feeling about them, but she needed to be assured of more.

  “I don’t want to be intrusive,” she said. “But I need to know Thisbe would be taken care of. Forever.”

  “Of course,” Paul said, glancing at Melissa. “Thisbe?”

  Scarlet smiled, “Sorry, I named her. You can, of course, name her anything you want. It’s just… naming her helped me. You know, to get through this.”

  Melissa took Scarlet’s hand, “If you give us this gift, you can name her anything you want. I actually really like the name Thisbe. It reminds me of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

  Scarlet couldn’t help but take it as a sign. She was desperate to cling to any hope she could.

  “Yes, well,” Scarlet said. “That would be great. Though I understand if you change your mind. I wanted to make sure you were… financially stable as well.”

  Melissa blushed and looked over at Paul, “We both come from money. I mean, we met in boarding school. We both went to Ivy League schools. We have trusts. Thisbe would never have to worry about anything. We’d give her the world.”

  Scarlet nodded, “Sor
ry, I know that’s kind of a tacky question. I just wanted to be sure. If I am giving her up it’s only because I can’t give her what you can.”

  Melissa smiled, “I would feel the same. I would feel exactly the same.”

  Scarlet pushed for over two hours. She was more exhausted than she’d ever been in her entire life, but at least she wasn’t alone. Paul and Melissa showed up by hour two and were both acting as her cheerleaders, helping her gather the strength she needed to finish the job.

  But for as long as it took to get to that point, the end happened very fast. Suddenly when she pushed, the nurse’s eyes grew wide and Dr. Sanders was called in to deliver. Scarlet kept pushing, she pushed so hard she was sure she was going to have an aneurysm. And when she finally felt Thisbe being pulled from her body all she could think about was Barrett. His face, his smile, and his soul all flashed across her mind and as soon as she heard Thisbe’s first cries, Scarlet let out a wail. Not just because it was finally over, but because she’d never get to recapture this moment again with him. His daughter was finally in the world, but Barrett would never know it.

  The pregnancy was finished, but the grief would never end.

  Scarlet was the first to hold her. Then Melissa, and then Paul for just a moment until the nurses took Thisbe away to have her newborn testing done. There was an awkward silence when Thisbe was gone. Scarlet didn’t know what to say and she already felt completely empty. There were no more kicks. No more movement. Scarlet was a deflated balloon. She wanted to be completely alone but didn’t know how to express that without coming off as rude.

  “You’re probably very tired,” Melissa said. “We can leave you to rest. Paul wanted to grab lunch downstairs anyway.”

  Scarlet looked at her, “Yes, if it’s okay. I might sleep a bit.”

  Melissa took her hand, tears in her eyes, “I know this is hard, Scarlet. I can’t tell you how grateful we are. If there’s anything we can possibly do, just tell us.”

  Scarlet tried to smile but it was impossible, “Thank you. Resting is enough for now.”

  As soon as the door shut behind them, she wept.

  Thisbe was back an hour later, all tiny and sleepy, her eyes closed as the nurse placed her swaddled body into Scarlet’s arms. Melissa and Paul hadn’t returned yet, and Scarlet was grateful. She knew their moments alone would be limited and she needed to tell her some things and soak this time in.

  “Thisbe,” Scarlet whispered to her. “Hello, sweet angel. I’m your momma.”

  Thisbe’s eyes fluttered open for a moment, a peaceful look on her face.

  “You’re more beautiful than I ever imagined anything could be,” Scarlet laughed. “It makes my bones hurt, looking at you. How can I give you up, sweet girl? How will I do this?”

  Tears fell down her face onto Thisbe’s pink swaddle. She lightly kissed the soft spot on top of her head, watching it rise up and down with each baby breath.

  “I want you to know,” Scarlet said, a catch in her throat. “This will be the hardest thing I ever do. And I don’t want to do it. With every cell in my body, this pains me. I love you so much, Thisbe. I see you, and I know there’s something bigger than all of us. Because you’re the most heavenly thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. You’re all the best things in the world wrapped into one. And you need to know this- you are loved. Beyond measure, beyond time, beyond life itself. And you were created by the most intense and beautiful love I have ever known. There’s nothing in this world that can take that away from you because it is you, Thisbe. You are love come alive. You are the piece of my heart I thought was gone brought back to life. And even if I can’t be with your Daddy.” Scarlet was sobbing now. “Even if I can’t be with him, I can somehow make it through this because I know you exist. You’re the proof that life is beautiful and magical and priceless. You are the thing that we made that will never die. Because one day, sweet girl, you will find love too. And you will make your own babies and they will make their own and none of us ever go away. Not when we continue to love and be loved.” Scarlet rocked her sleeping cherub, quietly crying against her soft head.

  “And never doubt it. Daddy would have loved you just as much. He would have given you the moon and more, Thisbe.” Thisbe’s eyes fluttered again and Scarlet smiled.

  “As long as you know that,” Scarlet said. “You’ll never feel alone. You’ll never know the soul crushing heartbreak that I will know as soon as you leave my arms.”

  Melissa and Paul had come back soon after that. They all slept in the room together. Scarlet didn’t completely blame them. They were probably scared to death that Scarlet was going to change her mind.

  If only she had that choice.

  The next day their lawyer came in, paperwork was signed, and Thisbe was adopted. Scarlet held her one last time before handing her over to a weeping Melissa.

  “Scarlet, thank you,” Melissa said. “You will see her as much as you want to. I’ll send photos and you can visit. And when she’s older she’ll hear how much her mother loved her to give her up like this. I can never repay you for what you’ve done for us.”

  Scarlet smiled. She had no tears left.

  “Just take care of our girl,” she said. There was nothing left to say.

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  Back at the hotel, Scarlet could barely look at Barrett. He’d meant what he said, she knew that. And it wasn’t that she blamed him for how he felt. It just made her feel sick to know that this was going to ruin yet another family’s life.

  And she couldn’t help but blame herself for that.

  “Scarlet,” he wrapped his arms around her as she sat on the plush king bed in their suite at The Hermitage. “What can I do? To fix this somehow so that you’re happy?”

  Scarlet looked at his face, always so genuine. Her love for him was something timeless, as if she’d loved him for thousands of years and through hundreds of lifetimes. But she doubted it could have ever been this hard.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “Make time move backwards? Make it so I never gave her up at all?”

  He pulled her on top of him, kissing her neck, “I wish I could do all of that. Maybe one day I can buy us a time machine and make this all okay.”

  “If anyone could, it would be Barrett Evers,” she said against his neck. “Now please. Take the pain away. Hold me and kiss me and do things to my body that no one else on earth is capable of. Let me forget about what’s happening for a while.”

  They had dinner in their room that night, discussing how they thought the meeting in the morning would go with the Holloways.

  “It’s going to be tense,” Scarlet predicted. “I just don’t want to confuse Thisbe. We need to be slow for her sake.”

  “I agree,” Barrett said, swiping a piece of mozzarella from Scarlet’s Caprese salad. “So I guess I should wait on booking Disney for a day? I was thinking of renting out the whole park.”

  Scarlet rolled her eyes, “Um, yeah. I would hold off on that for a couple of visits.”

  He laughed, “I’m going to be insane. She’s going to be obnoxiously spoiled. But not just with stuff. I had all the stuff and I was still screwed. I am going to spoil her with attention. She’ll never go a day without seeing my face. I plan on being a fucking helicopter parent to the 100th degree.”

  Scarlet laughed, “I love you. She, however, will probably not love that, starting around the age of twelve. I’ll do my best to save her.”

  Scarlet couldn’t help but be content talking about her future. She never thought she’d feel this way again. Five years ago she’d been so excited about life. And since then she’d been anything but. But now that she had Barrett back again and maybe soon to have Thisbe, in whatever capacity that would be, she couldn’t help but allow herself to be happy for once.

  The next morning they woke up early and picked at a light room service breakfast, nerves killing their appetite.

  Scarlet tried her hair up, then down, unable to get it quite the way she wanted it. B
arrett walked over to her. He had on a light blue collared shirt and jeans. She loved when he wasn’t so buttoned up. He kissed her and touched her face, setting her at ease.

  “Scarlet, you’re beautiful. Staring at that mirror all day isn’t going to change that. Let’s go see Thisbe,” he said.

  Scarlet nodded her head and they embraced. Barrett held her until her heart stopped pounding quite so hard against his chest.

  The town car left downtown Nashville and headed through rolling green hills into the exclusive Belle Meade neighborhood, an area that impressed even the worldly Barrett Evers.

  Scarlett chuckled to herself and Barrett gave her a quizzical look, “I was just thinking, maybe you could buy one of these plantations and I could live the life my name predestined me to live. Although I’m short a “t” to be Scarlett O’Hara. But then you’d have to be Rhett, and that’s your dad, and that’s where my daydream falls completely apart. But this wouldn’t be such a bad place to live, for a girl to grow up, I mean, right?” Scarlet pondered, hopefully.

  Barrett pulled her close, kissing the top of her head. “I love you. Thank you for this. For Thisbe. For everything you’ve done.”

  Realizing they were getting close, Scarlet pulled out her phone and dialed Melissa Holloway’s number, whispering to Barrett in the process. “Shit, I was supposed to call them when we were leaving to let them know we were on the way.”

  “I can have the driver take us around the neighborhood for a few minutes if you think it would be the polite thing to do,” Barrett offered.

  Scarlet shook her head and scanned her phone for Paul’s number. “It’s odd, Melissa didn’t answer. But I guess with a four year old running around it’s not always easy to get the phone.”