A Ride or Die Kind of Love

by Chelsea Camaron

  “Ky, can you just put the pictures up somewhere safe? I don’t want to lose them, but I need some time before they are shoved in my face.”

  Kylee grabs a shoebox that hasn’t been taken out in the trash and starts putting my memories away. “I’ll just put them all in here, until we can buy new frames,” she tells me as lean into Skylar’s chest.

  As soon as my head hits the pillows, the stress of the last few days overcomes me and I immediately close my eyes. Skylar’s voice is the last thing I hear before drifting off to sleep, hopefully to see Danny in my dreams.

  Chapter One

  Mira

  Six months has passed. Six long months since my life ended with Danny’s. The worst six months of my life. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any lower, Kylee signs me up for some sort of sappy support group.

  “Ky, are you kidding me? You want me to stand in a room full of strangers and tell them how I’m fucked up because the love of my life died? You can’t be serious.” I have never been one to put all of my baggage out there for the world to see. I am more of a ‘smile plastered on my face no matter what’ kind of girl.

  I know my friends are worried about me. I can see it in their eyes. Danny was a part of all of us and I know they are grieving too. I know I’m being selfish. I just don’t care. They just want the best for me and here I am, yet again, making this all about me. I never realized that in the process of losing Danny, they lost me too.

  “Please just suck it up and go. If it doesn’t help, I’ll never say anything about it ever again,” Kylee pleads with me. Maybe it’s time for me to give in just a little bit.

  “Fine, what time do I need to be there?” I ask, defeated.

  “7:30,” Kylee says with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

  With the exception of the black dress I wore to Danny’s funeral, I have been living in yoga pants, tee shirts and hoodies. I don’t see a point in changing this now.

  “Really, Mira, you can’t even put on a pair of jeans and a little makeup? It’s been months since you even tried to look presentable.” I feel a little switch go off in my brain.

  “Yes, Ky, you’re right. It has been months since I haven’t looked like shit. To be exact, it’s been six months, two weeks, and two days since I haven’t looked like shit. You got me to go to this stupid shit, maybe you shouldn’t bitch about my appearance. You got your win for the day, time to back off a little,” I spew at her. I do feel a little bad but at this point; showing an ounce of emotion that isn’t sadness that has been consuming my every waking moment is a win in my book.

  That is the end of our conversation. I leave Kylee at our apartment, get in my car and head to the crybaby meeting. The drive to the high school, where the meetings are held, is only a fifteen minute drive from my apartment. Not much time for me to over think this and back out, I guess.

  Pulling into the parking lot, I notice quite a few cars. ‘You have got to be kidding me. It’s like everyone in town is here,’ I think to myself. Feeling a little panic attack coming on, I decide to ditch my favorite University of Michigan hoodie. Ok, so it’s not my hoodie, it’s Danny’s, but it’s still my favorite. It used to smell like him. That is until while visiting my parents back home, my mom washed my laundry for me, trying to help me out. That was 2 weeks after Danny’s death. I was emotionally numb for most of those two weeks, showing zero emotion, until the straw broke the camel’s back.

  Waking up in my mother’s house after being away for four years felt awkward but refreshing at the same time. I always heard that saying, you can never go home again, and I thought maybe for a little while it was true, but this just felt right.

  My room was just how I left it when I went off to the University of Michigan. Other than my mom packing away some of my things and putting them in the closet to make room for a sewing machine, it was still “my room”.

  Looking around my room, I didn’t see the suitcase I came here with. It was a little chilly this morning and the thought of not wearing Danny’s hoodie didn’t sit well with me. I looked around the room and in the closet, nothing. I went to the coat closet in the hall and found nothing there either. “Well what the hell, I know I brought it in,” I mumbled.

  Walking into the kitchen, I found my mom making a cup of coffee and setting out a couple different boxes of cereal. “Mornin’ honey. I didn’t know what you ate these days but I remember how much you love your sugary cereal in the morning. Coffee?” she asked as she pushed a bowl and coffee mug in my direction. I sat down at the bar stool that was pulled to the counter and took the coffee mug. I added much more sugar than the coffee actually needed and a little cream.

  I really hated coffee, but Danny, Kylee, and Skylar got me hooked during study groups and all nighters before tests. That was the only way I could stomach the stuff.

  “Mom, have you seen my suitcase? I know I brought it in, but it’s not in my room or the closets. I think I might get dressed and go for a drive.”

  “Sure baby, the suitcase is on top of the dryer and your clothes should be dry in about 20 minutes. I made sure to wash them early so you would have enough hot water for a shower, if you wished.”

  My heart jumped in my throat and my stomach twisted into knots. I hadn’t washed Danny’s hoodie since the day he left it at my apartment. He was wearing it the morning of graduation when we went to breakfast. It smelled like him. It was the only thing I had that smelled like him.

  “Mom, please tell me you didn’t wash my U of M hoodie?” I begged, secretly praying she didn’t.

  “Oh honey, that thing was filthy. It needed to be washed. It looked like it had chocolate and spit all over it. Like a dog used it as a chew toy,” my mom said nonchalantly.

  Tears sprung from my eyes, unloading a well of emotion that I had tried to keep bottled. That was it for the stoic expressions I showed to everyone for the last 14 days.

  “MOM! That was Danny’s hoodie. Why would you do that? What am I going to do?”

  I really wouldn’t call it spit on the hoodie, more like a mixture of tears and saliva; okay, so it was spit. There was probably chocolate all over it too. But no matter what I got on it, I could still smell Danny. That hoodie was always in my bed, and today, not being at my apartment where I had memories of him, I needed that smell.

  I need to remember.

  Now that I feel a little less restricted wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants, I make my way into the high school, while tying my hair into a ponytail. The meeting is held in one of the classrooms that aren’t in use during the school year. Almost immediately after walking in, I spot Skylar McBride.

  I met Danny during Freshman Orientation at the University of Michigan. Shortly after that, I met his best friend Skylar, whom he had grown up with. In the beginning, I kind of felt like Skylar was flirting with me here and there. He would give me these quick little glances that I never paid attention to that much, but as soon as I would look in his direction, he would turn away like he wasn’t staring at me. Leave it to best friends to have eyes for the same type of girl.

  “Skylar, what are you doing here?” I ask a little too excited to see a familiar face. I walk over to him and give him a quick friendly hug.

  “Take a guess,” he says, looking frustrated and defeated. I know that look. I had the same one earlier today. “And to what do we owe this honor? I haven’t seen much of you in a few months,” Skylar asks me, already knowing the answer.

  “Ky,” we both say in unison.

  That inspires a little giggle to escape from my mouth and I notice he has a smirk on his face too. Kylee is usually the ringleader. Always making sure we all did stuff together. She is kind of like the glue that held all of us together during college, making sure we didn’t drift apart. I make a mental note to thank her later for loving us and to apologize for being a colossal bitch to her.

  “Alright everyone, take a seat and we’ll get this show on the road,” says an older man wearing jeans and a sweater.

  He is probably ab
out fifty, but his eyes make him appear much older. It could be the sadness in them that makes him appear so much older.

  The chairs in the classroom make a circle so everyone can see each other. I sit in one of the chairs, closest to the door, just in case I have to make a quick exit. Skylar takes the seat next to me, easing my discomfort.

  “I would like to welcome some new faces in the crowd today,” pointing in my direction, “and ask for you guys to go first. Most of us are pretty well acquainted. If you would stand up, tell us your name, the name of your loved one that you lost, and a little about how you lost them. If it gets to be too much, you can take a break or stop. We don’t pressure here and this is a judgment free zone. Those of us who have been here for a while know all too well that talking about your loss, even with a room full of strangers, can be hard, but it’s liberating at the same time,” the man says.

  I feel like he is talking directly to me.

  “Ok, so who will start us off today? You, in the grey tee shirt, can you please tell us a little about yourself?” he asks and I notice him looking in my direction.

  I look around me and realize that I am the only one wearing a grey tee shirt and then our eyes connect. Shit. He wants me to start.

  “Keep it together and get this over with,” I think to myself.

  Here goes nothing.

  “Uhhhhh, hi, I’m Mira Adams and I, I guess I’m here because my best friend Kylee thinks it is a good idea for me to talk to someone about my fiancé that passed away a few months ago,” I choke out.

  As I continue, I look down from where I am standing and see Skylar watching me. I mean, like really watching me. Like I am the most captivating thing he has ever seen. I don’t know if I should feel creeped out by him or if I am flattered. I give a small nod and a half smile as I continue.

  “Six months ago, my fiancé, Danny, died in a motorcycle accident just outside of town. I have been in a pretty bad place lately; I chose to come here because Kylee thought it would help me. It’s just hard, ya know. What am I supposed to do, just run around and continue my life after I promised my life to someone who isn’t here anymore?”

  I can’t do this anymore. Tears start to pool in my eyes and I feel my throat getting dry and tight. It is beyond time for me to get the hell out of this place.

  The older man with the sad eyes stands and walks towards me, reaching out his hand, for what I assume can be a gesture for a handshake. “Mira, thank you for introducing yourself and for sharing your story. My name is John and I am the moderator for the group this evening. I would like you to continue, if you can. I know it’s hard, but sometimes it can help you feel a little better if you can put how your thoughts into words.”

  “Care to give it a try?” I nod and gently shake John’s hand.

  I don’t know what he wants me to do. Do I just dish my feelings? That’s not something I have ever been able to do, not even with Danny. I guess you can call me guarded.

  “What should I talk about?” I whisper to John. I glance over at Skylar and he is still watching me. What the hell?

  “Why don’t you start with how Danny passed away?” John whispered back to me. Great. This is not on my list of favorite things to do, but hell, if I at least give it a try, Skylar will report back to Kylee and then I will be free from this ‘expressing my emotions’ prison.

  As I start speaking again, I can feel Skylar’s eyes on me, even without looking in his direction. I start to feel less creeped out; but the feeling that replaces it, can’t be described. It’s kind of between desire and guilt. Serves me right, I guess.

  “Ok, I guess I can do this. Danny and I just graduated from U of M. We went to the ceremony that day and a bunch of us were going to go to a graduation after-party hosted by some alumni. After the ceremony, Danny and his friend,” I happen to glance at Skylar and I see his eyes. They are glazed over and moist. Then when our eyes connect, he bows his head and starts staring at the floor.

  I don’t even think of how hard this will be for him. God, how selfish am I? I am hurting beyond belief. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how I feel. But God, Skylar. He had been best friends with Danny since diapers.

  “On second thought, I don’t think I can do this today. I would like to be done if that’s okay, John,” I manage to say. I am definitely feeling guilt.

  “Alright, thank you for sharing, Mira. Maybe next time we can talk a little more about Danny and how you feel,” John says with a fake smile on his face.

  Next time? Yeah, right. That isn’t happening. I am getting Kylee off my back by me coming here, I’ll be damned if I come back again. This place is not my cup of tea.

  “Skylar, would you like to continue where you left off last time?” John asks as he turns towards Skylar.

  What the hell is going on? I thought he was here because Kylee had forced his hand like she did mine. Something doesn’t make sense. I look at Skylar and shoot him a puzzling look. He calmly stands up and gives me a slight wink. I don’t think anyone else noticed, but damn, has Skylar always this sexy? Did I just fucking think that? Oh hell. That’s exactly where I’m going.

  Straight. To. Hell.

  Who has thoughts like this about their dead fiancé’s best friend?

  “Thanks, John. Well, pretty much everyone here knows me, but just in case, I’m Skylar. Skylar McBride. I lost my best friend six months ago. My best friend just happens to be Mira’s fiancé. Our Danny’s are one in the same. Where did I leave off last week? Hmmmm...oh yeah, I’m sorry, it’s been one of those days. I wanted to talk about the accident. Mira, sweets, do you mind if I talk about this? I know you were going to, but couldn’t get it out. If it would make you uncomfortable, I don’t have to,” Skylar asks.

  There are reasons I avoid Skylar. There are reasons I don’t have him over to the apartment. There are reasons that I don’t want to see him. I feel beyond guilty. How can I be his friend and wonder why God took Danny and not him? How can I look him in his eyes? I guess it’s my turn to look at the ground while he speaks.

  “Skylar, if talking about it helps you, maybe hearing it will help me. Please continue,” I say, but it was more of a plea. Maybe if I can help him through his grief, I won’t feel so guilty about the thoughts that I have in my head.

  “Thanks Mira, I really appreciate this. I think it will help you, too. Ok. So, Danny and I were always into bikes, ever since we were kids. We loved the speed and the freedom of being on a bike. After graduation, we decided we would take the girls for a ride on the bikes to come down from the emotions of earlier in the day. All of our parents were there crying, so proud of their babies finally growing up and moving into the real world, and all that stuff. After we picked up Mira and Kylee at their apartment, we got on the road. It was such a beautiful night. I don’t think there were even clouds in the sky and there was little chill in the air. We were riding side by side, almost playing a game of who was going to ride faster,” Skylar stops talking and looks at me.

  He asks me with his eyes if I am sure that he can continue. I have never heard the story before. I mean, I know how the accident happened, but after I passed out, that’s the part of the story I have never heard. Skylar tried to tell me before, but I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. I think part of me is jealous that Danny’s last moments were spent with him. I look at him and give him a slight nod, encouraging him to continue. I need to hear this. I need to know what happened. And Skylar needs me to allow him to do so.

  Skylar gives me a small smile and it is almost as if his eyes said, “Thank you.” Then, he continues.

  “We were coming up on a construction zone. Both of us had plenty of tickets and a ticket in a construction zone means doubled fines, so we both down-shifted a gear and slowed down. Traffic got a little thicker since one of the lanes had been closed. Out of the corner of my eye, through my helmet, I saw a green SUV begin to merge onto the highway. They were going a little too fast for my liking. I tried to signal to
Danny to slow down more to let this guy get in front of us, so we could at least keep an eye on him. Danny apparently didn’t see my signal. The next thing I remember, Danny swerved his bike to the left; the green SUV came into the construction lane Danny was in.

  “The SUV was now in front of me and it slammed on its brakes. So I hit mine almost losing control, but I was able to recover. I still thank God that Danny taught me how to control a mean case of tank slap. Danny was still in the construction lane and I saw his bike giving him some tank slap too. I was worried, but hell, Danny taught me how to recover from that so I figured he would, too. But I was wrong. Danny’s bike hit the guard wall and Danny and Mira flew from the bike. Mira landed not too far from where the accident was but Danny flew to the other side of the guard rail. I inched to the construction lane and stopped my bike. I didn’t even put the kickstand down or think about Kylee. I went running in the direction of the wreckage. I found Mira and she was still breathing but unconscious, so Kylee sat with her while we waited for help. It felt like it took forever to find Danny. When I did, he was limp and bleeding badly. I hit the ground and pulled him into my lap and I screamed for anyone who was listening to call for help. Unfortunately, help got there too late. Danny died in my arms that day.”

  Skylar finishes his story and looks in my direction. I am uncontrollably sobbing into my hands. Skylar walks to me and put his hand on my back, between my shoulder blades, and rubs them gently.

  “Skylar, I’m so sorry. I can’t be here,” I cry as I get up and run out of the room.

  I can’t take this anymore. I need to go somewhere, anywhere but here.

  Chapter Two

  Skylar

  Four and a half years ago...

  “Mommy finally let the baby leave the nest, I see,” I said joking with my best friend, Danny. Danny’s parents were always so over protective. So much so, that he would have to keep his bike and helmet in my garage so his parents didn’t know that he had one.