Undeath and Taxes

by Drew Hayes

  “Of course, sometimes there really is bullshit afoot,” Krystal added. “Those grudges aren’t just for posturing, and every now and then, things get real bloody, real fast. More often than not, though, it’s just some misunderstanding. But in case it’s the first one, we’ll be on alert.”

  “Doesn’t the convention center have security?”

  “We’ve got a few head-crackers for minor incidents, but as agents, we’re the top of the food chain if things need handling.” Krystal said this with the sort of strange pride I’d never understood before last Christmas. After learning about her abilities, as well as seeing them in action, such tones made perfect sense to me. In a world of terrifying things, Krystal was one of the scariest. And she relished that fact.

  We were interrupted as Bubba came jogging up to us, two tall, white containers held easily in each of his massive hands. His eyes were darting about, and a visible expression of relief came over his face when he saw Krystal. Bubba plowed through the remaining bystanders between us, which might have caused an incident if he hadn’t been doing it to reach the agents’ booth.

  “Think we got a situation down the hall,” Bubba said quickly. “I passed a group of mages who were prepping some sort of ceremony to lock down the hall and prevent any more stealin’ in here. I don’t know a lot about magic, but that seems . . .”

  “Like it’ll fry the whole electrical system, breaker system be damned,” Krystal finished. She grabbed the gun at her waist and pulled it clear of the holster. “Those fucking idiots. Bubba, lead me to them. Fred, you stay here with June. We can’t leave the weapons unattended, and this is dangerous.”

  Without another word, Krystal sprinted off in the direction Bubba had come from, the sizable man doing all he could to keep up. Unlike Bubba, Krystal didn’t plow through the crowd. Instead, she screamed enough threats and obscenities to get them clearing out ahead of her. Agent Krystal Jenkins was a lot of things, but subtle was not one of them.

  “Of course she grabbed the action and left me on guard-duty,” June grumbled from behind me. I glanced back to find her picking through the remains of a blueberry muffin, pressing the crumbs to her thumb and licking them off. It was oddly disharmonious, seeing such an elegant being indulged in such unglamorous actions.

  “You know Krystal, always the first to rush in.”

  “Yes, I do know Krystal. Very well, in fact.” June’s tone stayed neutral, though I felt like it did grow noticeably frostier. She finally looked up from the muffin wrapper, having gotten every piece worth consuming. “What I don’t know is you, Fred. Since we’re here anyway, why not come sit and chat with me a bit?”

  Vampires are attuned enough to the predator/prey dynamic of the parahuman world that I could sense the danger in her words, but I walked over and plopped onto a stool anyway. That side of me was instinct and guttural reaction; it ran on preconceived notions of what was dangerous based solely on what people were. Some of the best friends I’d made since turning were in that category, and so far, the most dangerous enemy I’d faced was one of my own kind. Instinct was well and good in the right situations, but I refused to let it dictate how I treated or reacted to the people around me. What they were was not the same as who they were, and I knew that better than anyone.

  All of that said, I still had to suppress a chill of fear as June’s eyes bored into my own.

  “As I’m sure Krystal told you, I’m a vampire, turned over a year ago. More interestingly, I run my own accounting firm, and just got my Certified Public Parahuman Accountant License, so I’ve been looking at expanding the parahuman side of my business. I love good wine and movies, plus I can put together a cheese-plate like nobody’s business. How about you?”

  June blinked, a brief but unmistakable expression of surprise flitting across her face. Perhaps she’d been expecting bluster, lies, or mere embellishments, but she clearly hadn’t been prepared for my honest self-summary. She recovered within moments, regaining her distant and authoritative air.

  “I’m half fey,” June said. “Been an agent for over thirty years, on both sides of the realm, and have the skills to take down any kind of parahuman in a matter of seconds.” Her expression softened just a bit as she let the implied threat wash over me before she continued. “Also, I like shopping, and I’m a bit of a foodie.”

  “Oh? There’s a gastropub in Winslow you should try if you’re ever visiting Krystal. Their deconstructed salmon cakes are downright incredible.”

  “Went there back when you were alive, huh?”

  “No, they just opened two months ago,” I replied.

  “Most of your kind prefers to stick with the red stuff.” Her eyes narrowed the slightest bit, as if she were trying to see through a lie I wasn’t actually spinning.

  “I wouldn’t know. I’ve only met two other vampires, and neither made me eager to go replicate the experience.”

  “Yeah, I heard about—”

  The air was filled with a tremendous crackling as lightning seemed to shoot between the florescent bulbs suspended from the catwalk, filling the entire area with blinding light. Fast as I was, June was far quicker. She planted a hand firmly on my chest and pushed, sending both me and my stool sprawling backward. By the time I landed, she was standing over me, dagger in one hand and gun in the other. In that moment, I was sure she was seizing the opportunity to kill me, removing me from Krystal’s life permanently.

  Only later did I realize she was trying to protect me.

  The lightning died out, along with all of the florescent lights. Normally, this would have caused no issue for me, or any of the dozens of other parahumans with exceptional night vision; however, even vampire eyes require time to readjust after a blinding flash.

  It only took half a minute for me to get my bearings, and as I looked down the aisle, I noticed a small figure laden down with objects, dashing about in a way that meant they were unimpeded by the darkness.

  Moments after my vision returned, the area brightened as the emergency lights on the walls and ceiling kicked on. I pulled myself up, unaided by June. At first, I took this as intentional, but when I made it to my feet, I realized she wasn’t even paying attention to me. Her gaze was fixed firmly on the portion of the booth where the weapons were sitting. Only now, instead of being neatly and symmetrically organized, there were three distinct holes in the pattern.

  Three spots where magical weapons of importance and destiny had been resting only a minute prior.

  5.

  “Son of a bitch. I do not want to do the paperwork on this,” June said, staring at the empty spots with a furrowed brow and slight sneer.

  “You seem to be taking the theft of such important items surprisingly well,” I noted.

  “That’s because they can’t be stolen. I mean, yeah, people can take them away from us, but those things have destiny wound around them. Wherever they end up, that’s where they’re meant to be. It’s why we take them out every now and then: keeps them in circulation so there isn’t a need for a jailbreak.”

  “So Krystal told me. Does that mean we don’t need to retrieve them?”

  “Are you brain-dead on top of being normal-dead? Of course we have to retrieve them. Until they’re officially claimed, those things are Agency property. If I admit to losing three of them to some sticky-fingered jerk, then I’m going to get a massive earful. And so will Krys, for that matter.”

  On cue, Krystal came treading back over, Bubba in tow. “I had to crack one of those dipshits in the back of the head, but I got the spell stopped before it did too much damage. Maintenance says they can have the lights fixed in about an hour, so overall, not my worst headache at one of these things.” She stopped talking and noted both of our somber expressions. “Why do you two look like someone pissed in your cereal?”

  “There may have been a very slight misplacement of three of our specialty items during the blackout,” June admitted.

  Krystal’s eyes wandered over to the display, where she found the same
triple gap we’d previously observed. “Really? Fucking really? We were gone for five minutes, tops, and someone got away with three of those damned things?” She looked over at the two of us, and we both shrank back under her fierce gaze. “Do we at least have any leads? Sight, smell, something?”

  “Too many parahumans moving around with unique scents,” Bubba said. “Even if you had something to smell that you were sure was the thief’s, you’d need a master tracker to find them in here.”

  “I caught sight of someone scampering away in the dark,” I said, keeping my voice respectfully low. “There’s no way to be certain it was the thief, but they were moving through the darkness like they’d expected it.”

  “Not a bad plan, actually,” Bubba said. “Rile up some mages, get them to create a distraction, and then sneak by and grab stuff from right under an agent’s nose.”

  June bristled visibly at his observation, but she had no real comeback for it. The items were gone, and she’d been the one on guard. Like or lump it: Bubba was right.

  “Right, first things first. We have to put the rest of these things away now,” Krystal said. “Having our weapons stolen is bad enough, but if people figure it out, we’re in for way more shit from the home office.”

  “Why does that matter more?” I asked.

  “Image, reputation, call it what you want. Part of the Agency’s power comes from the fear we instill. We are the nightmare of parahumans, and it needs to stay that way. Agents need to be seen as flawless, unstoppable beings, because that sort of reputation allows us to end a lot of conflicts before they start. If we can find the items before word gets out that they were stolen, then we can keep things civil. However, if it becomes known that someone stole from the Agency, we’ll have no choice but to make an example of them. A very brutal one, at that,” June said.

  “I really just meant that I didn’t want to get bitched out, but June isn’t totally off base,” Krystal admitted. “For the thief’s sake as much as ours, we need to get those weapons back.” She paused to look at the display once more. “By my count, we’re missing The Axe of Withering Trees, The Sword of the Furious Sun, and The Blade of the Unlikely Champion. None of those will be easy to conceal, so our thief’s best option to stash them. That leaves us a two-pronged approach: one team hunts the thief, while the other searches for the weapons.”

  “Let me track our culprit,” June volunteered immediately. “This fool slighted my honor as an agent; I wish for the chance to redeem myself. Besides, I’m more gifted in terms of hunting prey.”

  “Can’t argue with you there; you’re the right fit for thief duty.” Krystal looked at Bubba and me, a slightly worried expression drawing across her face. “Freddy, you’re the only one who has actually caught a glimpse of this person. That means you should probably be on the hunting team too.”

  The way she structured her statement, she was clearly giving me the chance to object or raise some reason why I would be a bad fit. Krystal realized that pairing me with June made the most sense; however, she respected my feelings enough to give me an out. I greatly appreciated the gesture, but I couldn’t very well take an easier path just because June made me uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be right, and after seeing June move, I felt confident she could handle any threat we might encounter.

  “I agree, June and I will try and find the thief.”

  “Good call. Bubba and I will pack up the rest of the weapons and get them somewhere safe, then start scouring the hall for any signs of the hidden merchandise.” Krystal reached behind the counter of the booth and produced a small sign that read “Back in 5 minutes.” She plunked it onto the center of the table. “The convention opens officially at ten, which is when we need to be on duty. That gives us a little under two hours to hunt this douchewad down before our manpower gets halved. At that point, we’ll also have to report the theft to the home office.”

  “So soon?” June said, her eyes widening considerably. “We could at least wait until the end of the day.”

  “No, that axe is way too powerful to lose. Even if we catch hell for it, we’ll need to call in a full team to sweep the place. It will probably ruin the con for everyone, but there’s no other choice. So, let’s make these next two hours count.” Krystal grabbed a handful of the remaining weapons and began piling them into their former duffel bag, which she’d yanked out from under the display.

  June grabbed my shoulder and jerked me forward. “You heard her, we’re on a clock. Which way did you see our thief going?”

  “Toward the north entrance.” I pointed in the direction I’d last seen the strangely waddling figure dart off. It was thick with bodies already, making even seeing to the end of the aisle a difficult task.

  “Figures they’d go toward the most crowded part,” June snapped. “All right, Fred, stay close and don’t fall behind. When I start hunting something, I lose track of everything else. Lose me, and there’s no way of knowing when I’ll realize you’re gone.”

  With that, June hurtled forward, darting gracefully down the aisle, nimbly weaving between the various parahumans like a ballet dancer gliding between raindrops.

  I might have been more inclined to appreciate the aesthetic appeal, if I hadn’t been tasked with following such a display. Instead, I awkwardly bustled my way through the crowd with hurried apologies.

  6.

  It took less than five minutes for us to scout the general area our thief had headed into and confirm they were no longer around. Despite the various parahumans meandering about, June was surprisingly methodical in keeping them mentally organized as she dragged me to each section and asked if anyone matched what I saw. Truthfully, I shouldn’t have been surprised by her skill, but I was accustomed to Krystal’s style of problem management, which was . . . less organized, to put it nicely.

  “If the thief came this way and isn’t here anymore, that leaves us with limited options,” June declared, once the final area was pronounced to be thief-free. “They could have doubled back and gone to another part of the floor, but Krystal was right about those weapons being bulky as all hell, not to mention noticeable. There probably wasn’t time to stash them before the lights came back on, so if I were in their shoes, I’d have left the convention floor and found a place to squirrel the goods away before coming back.”

  “It makes sense, but it’s equally possible they ran this way momentarily and then shifted course, or found cover in one of the booths.”

  June nodded her head toward a white-painted door that nearly blended in perfectly with the ivory-colored walls. “There are only two exits out of this whole area besides the main doors, and our thief happened to run right at one of them. True, it isn’t concrete, but sometimes this job is about playing the odds. Besides, I have a feeling in my gut that says the weapons went this way.”

  “Forgive me for asking this, but I’m relatively unfamiliar with the capabilities of fey. At least, beyond the old stories and literature. Is this gut feeling an actual magic, or are we merely talking about intuition?”

  “Fred, when you’ve been doing this job as long as some of us have, there is nothing ‘mere’ about intuition,” June said. “I actually can sense magic within a certain range, but no, this isn’t that. It’s just decades of experience telling me to follow this route.”

  “A well-made point,” I conceded. Though I had peeked behind the curtain a bit in terms of seeing agents without the bluster, that didn’t change the fact that they were highly capable at their jobs. If June said the thief went out the door, then it behooved me to trust her judgment. Besides, it wasn’t like I had any better idea to put forth.

  We exited the main floor and came into a stone hallway, clearly meant only for emergencies and staff, since it lacked the more upscale décor of the rest of the convention center. Before us were a set of rising concrete steps and a short hallway that led to a door with a bright red “Exit” sign hanging above it. Even just seeing it left me a touch uneasy, as I knew beyond that door was bright, be
autiful, deadly sunshine. If June wanted to follow the trail that way, she would have to do it without me.

  “We go up,” June said. That command made me feel both worried and at ease, since, as much as I’d dreaded the idea of telling June I had to quit, the chance to exit the hunt had been extremely appealing.

  “What do you think is up there?” I asked. “The hotel is attached, but it’s a separate building, so it can’t lead to the rooms.”

  “Smart money says this is how they access those catwalks near the ceiling. With the main lights down from the spell, it’s pitch black up there, and no one is looking up at them anyway. Perfect place to hide stolen magical weapons.”

  “If you’re right, our thief seems to have done an awful lot of planning for a spur of the moment pilfering. Being at the booth just as the lights went out, having this place already in mind, it all screams to significantly more pre-meditation than I’d suspected.”

  June gave me a long, cool stare, then artfully raised one of her eyebrows by the barest of inches.

  “I, um . . . I watch a lot of mystery movies and shows,” I admitted, caving under her authoritative gaze.

  “Then you realize our only advantage over this jerk is that, while the thief you described is short and hobbly, we are both capable of incredible speed. So we should quit yapping and start climbing.”

  “Of course.” I barely had time to get the words out before June was off, barreling up the stairs with the same grace she’d demonstrated in maneuvering through the convention hall.

  Now, as a vampire, I’m pretty spry myself, and since having a drop of Gideon’s blood, I’d been even more so, yet I still had to push myself to keep up with her as we climbed flight after flight. Had it been a straightforward race on flat ground, I likely could have overtaken her, but when adding the nimbleness needed to corner and climb, she easily became the faster of us. If she was only half fey, I shuddered to think what a full-blooded one could do. Suffice it to say that the fey had joined the ever-growing list in my head of parahumans to avoid slighting or angering. Thus far, it included every type of parahuman I’d met, as well as a few I’d only heard about.