Beloved

by Stella Cameron

  “He intends to embarrass me,” she told him. “See? If he sees me with another man he will speak up. He will tell about my early life. He will make sure no man would want to be seen with me. Everyone will—”

  “Please,” he said evenly, while rage mounted in his gut. “Let me read, Ella.”

  “Yes.” She swayed, pushed her hair back from her face, watched him closely. “He will, won’t he? If I accept any invitations and go about in public, he will humiliate me. And any man—or woman—who might be with me.”

  “Let me think.” Let him be calm. Fury swelled through him. The words on the page ran together before his eyes.

  “You hate me too.”

  “Be silent!”

  She jumped, and covered her face. “I must think, Ella.”

  “Think how to distance yourself from me.” She dragged her hand from his. “No need. I shall make certain there is no need.”

  “Ella—”

  “I could not bear it if Max’s life were tainted by mine. He can overcome it all. Everything that happened to him.”

  “And so can you.” Fear attacked him. She no longer sounded like the Ella he knew. “Whoever this man is, I shall find him and silence him.”

  “Mama and Papa have already done too much for me. I am not worthy of all they’ve sacrificed for me.”

  “They love you. Of course you are worthy. They would not change any of it.”

  “They would change who I am. What I am.” With hands that shook, she caught up her petticoats and began to struggle into them. “I must go. I must return Max to Pall Mall.”

  “Struan will wish to deal with this person.”

  She turned eyes the shade of dark fire upon him. “Even if you hate me, you will not bring me even lower.”

  He shook his head. “Ella, please—”

  “You will not speak to Papa of the letter.” She snatched it from him and turned her back to put on a brown velvet gown of restrained cut. “I will leave you at once. Please return to your bed. Forgive me for intruding. No, you cannot forgive me, of course. What I did was unforgivable.”

  “You are not yourself. Allow me to—”

  “There is nothing you need do for me except pretend to forget you ever met me.”

  Her frantic fumbling struck terror into Saber. “I will not abandon you. Please, Ella, be calm—”

  “Do not tell me to be calm.” Dressed, she swung toward him, her face rigid with anger and some other—removed— emotion. “Good night to you.” She thrust the letter back into her pocket and made to go around him.

  Saber stepped into her path. “You are right,” he said, reaching for her. “Of course you are right.”

  Ella evaded him.

  “You intend to return to Pall Mall?” From somewhere deep in his senses came a warning. “Do you intend to return to Pall Mall?”

  “What I intend to do is no concern of yours. You have been kind to me. Remember me as generously as you can.”

  Saber lunged, and this time he caught her. She struggled so fiercely she almost twisted free, but he held her, backed her to the wall, and pinned her there. “You aren’t listening to me. And you aren’t answering me.”

  “Don’t forget to replace your dagger in the drawer. You may need it if some other villain attacks you.”

  He smarted at her words. “I deserve your cruel tongue.”

  “You deserve only the very best in this world. You do not deserve to be affronted by an aberration. Aberrations should not exist at all.”

  It was as he’d feared. He was no stranger to the meaning behind her words. She had come to him because she loved him. Ella loved and believed in him, and believed he would protect her. And he had denied her. Now she felt there was nowhere else to turn—nowhere to turn and no reason to continue alone.

  Saber looked down into her face. With a finger and thumb he tilted up her chin. “There will be no need for Struan and Justine to see the letter.”

  She stared back at him. “We must make certain Max never mentions it.”

  “He will not,” she said. “I need to go to him.”

  “In good time. First you and I have business to conduct.”

  Without warning, Ella slumped. Her eyes lost focus and she became limp.

  Saber swept her into his arms and carried her to the bed. The room was too cold. He chose to be cool, but shock and disappointment—the disappointment he had heaped upon her—had affected Ella. She needed warmth. He pulled sheets and blankets over her and sat beside her, chafing her hands, leaning to kiss her brow.

  “Ella,” he murmured. “My Ella, you do not swoon. You are not the kind of girl who swoons.”

  She opened her eyes.

  He smiled. “Hello again, Ella. Now we shall complete our plans.”

  Confusion clouded her face.

  Loud pounding at the door made him wince. Ella’s expression scarcely changed.

  “I know you’ve got her in there.” The voice from the corridor was unmistakably Max’s. “Open up, Saber, or I’ll come in anyway.”

  Ella blushed and turned her head away. “It’s all right, my sweet,” Saber said. What must be done, must be done. “I understand now.”

  “I’m coming in!”

  The heavy door creaked open, revealing Max. The tall lad stood with feet braced wide apart, a thunderous frown on his young face.

  “Hello, Max,” Saber said. “Good to see you. I thought you were away at school.”

  “Don’t try to divert me. Our parents cannot be here, but I am here and I shall insist that you do the right thing by my sister, you cad.”

  Saber’s attention was caught by a bobble of gold behind the boy. “Is that you, Bigun? Nice of you to show our guest up.”

  “I forced him,” Max said pompously. “He tried to throw me out. Didn’t get far, I can tell you.”

  “So I see.”

  “Don’t blame him,” Max said. “I lured him into the street while Ella … That is, your servant isn’t responsible for my discovering your foul deeds. I was too clever for him.”

  “Very true,” Bigun said, his face popping around Max. “Too clever, my lord. Couldn’t have guessed the young gentleman’s intention.”

  Nor would he have decided to help the entire process? “Max,” Ella said. “Please go downstairs and wait for me. I’ll join you very quickly.”

  “Go downstairs? Leave you with this defiler of innocents? Allow me to deal with this, Ella. You are only a woman.”

  “I could do nothing, my lord,” Bigun insisted, hopping to see Saber. “Nothing. But perhaps—”

  “Perhaps you should go to your bed, Bigun,” Saber said. “We will discuss this tomorrow.”

  Ella sat up. She attempted—unsuccessfully—to tame her hair. “There is no point in persisting, Max.”

  The boy advanced into the room. Saber could scarcely believe this was the same lad whom he had last seen in Cornwall as a ten-year-old with skinny arms and legs and a stream of unlikely stories.

  “You will hear me out, Lord Avenall. Hear me and do what must be done.”

  “Of course.”

  “There’s no point in arguing further.”

  “No point at all.”

  “Max—”

  “Leave this to me, Ella,” Max said. “Some things must be settled between men.”

  Saber turned to Ella. He lifted her hair and settled his hands loosely about her neck.

  “How dare you, sir,” Max said loudly. “Kindly …”

  Saber kissed Ella, slowly, deeply, lingeringly. Her fists beat his chest, but he kept on kissing her—until she stopped pummeling him.

  “Dash it all!” Max’s boots smacked the bare, cold boards of Saber’s bedchamber. “Unhand her at once.”

  Saber raised his head and smiled into Ella’s dazed eyes. “Why?” he asked Max.

  “My sister is not some trollop for you to use and cast aside! You may think there is no reason for you to restore her honor, but I think—”

  “I think
so too,” Saber said. “Your sister is to be my wife.”

  And he would devise a way to protect her from any foe— and from her husband.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “K indly wait for me in the vestibule,” Ella told Max.

  He took several steps into the room. “You showed him the letter. Praise be! I told you he’d help us.”

  Ella felt Saber’s eyes upon her but would not look at him. “Please do as I ask, Max. And you may go with him, Mr. Bigun.”

  “Bigun.”

  “You may go with him, Bigun.” She felt faint again, but she would not swoon. She would not. She was not a woman who swooned. Saber had at least been right in that. “Go, now!”

  Bigun’s slippers scuffed rapidly away.

  Max stood fast. “We should stop Mama and Papa from leaving London before you speak to them,” he said to Saber. “I’ll make sure they don’t. Will you come directly? Or in the morning?”

  “I’ll be there at the appropriate moment,” Saber said.

  He rested the back of a hand on Ella’s cheek. She felt something close to pain at his touch and closed her eyes. She wanted, more than anything, to turn her lips into his palm and kiss him. She averted her face.

  “Ella,” he murmured. “It’s all right now, my dear. I will make sure everything’s all right.”

  “We knew you would.” Max sounded excited. “Damn me, but I’m glad I came to London when I did. If I hadn’t—”

  “I wouldn’t have forced myself on Saber tonight,” Ella finished for him. “Kindly do as I’ve asked and leave this room.”

  “Ella—” “Leave this room, Max. Please.”

  Saber found her hand and gripped it firmly. “Do as your sister asks, Max. We’ll join you shortly.”

  Mutiny tightened Max’s features, but he did as he was told and shut the door with a bang.

  Ella flinched and said, “I should not have spoken to him so. His concern is for me, and I could have refused to come here.”

  Rather than agree or disagree, Saber studied her, his head on one side. “So,” he said. “It seems we are destined to make a pact, Ella.”

  “You are an honorable man. Honorable and kind.”

  He pressed both of her hands together between his. “You are honorable and kind. And you have been misused. But no more. From now on I shall be the one to deal with your comfort, my dear.”

  So calm, so passionless. He was a man confronted by what he viewed as duty. Saber, Earl of Avenall, did not shirk duty. And she had what she’d wished for. What a very happy girl she should be.

  The dying fire crackled. The sulfur scent of the coals prickled Ella’s nostrils. A chill settled over her and she glanced about the spartan room with its heavy furnishings and bare floor. A cold room for a man grown cold.

  “Thank you,” she told Saber simply. “I hope you will forgive me for the wrong I did you tonight.”

  “You did no wrong.”

  “I forced your hand. Not an easy thing to live with.”

  “But I shall not allow such self-recrimination. I assure you that I intend my wife”—he paused, and she saw his throat move as he swallowed—“my wife shall spend her time in gentle pursuits and she will certainly have no cause to regret anything.”

  Passionless and trapped.

  “I’m certain I will appreciate such a quiet life, Saber. I should like to stand now. If you’ll excuse me?”

  He frowned at little at that, at her formality. “Saber?” She tried to ease her hands from his. “I find I enjoy looking at you exactly where you are,” he said, increasing his pressure on her fingers a little. “A small enough pleasure, wouldn’t you say?”

  “There is no need to be generous,” she told him. Despite her resolve, her mouth trembled. “You have been tricked—we have tricked you into something you wanted no part of.”

  For once he forgot any attempt at hiding his scars. He raised his chin and light played over the ferocious evidence of a knife’s cruel efforts. The curved welt at the corner of his eye and over his cheekbone shone pale. This time Ella noted a healed gash beneath his ear and disappearing into his hair. Where his white shirt hung open at the neck she sighted yet another scar that followed the line of his left collarbone.

  “It is a marvel you lived,” she murmured.

  Abruptly, he turned back to her. “After an attack that left me such a hideous monster?”

  “I cannot believe you think that of yourself.”

  He laughed harshly. “I know that of myself. It doesn’t matter, except when I consider the revulsion I must cause you.”

  “Oh, yes.” A surge of anger inflamed Ella. “I feel so much revulsion that I came begging you to keep me with you under whatever conditions you choose.”

  “Only because you need me.”

  Ella blinked against an instant rush of tears. “If that’s what you wish to believe, so be it. The attack hurt you more inside than out, didn’t it?”

  He narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

  “You know my meaning. Your skin and flesh have healed, but your mind is still bleeding.”

  The corners of his beautiful mouth turned down sharply, grimly. “The condition of my mind is not for you to wonder at, Ella.”

  “As you say.” A cowering flower she would never be. “Kindly allow me to get up. I must return Max to Pall Mall.”

  “You fainted.”

  “I am quite recovered. Let me by, please.”

  “The fire is burned low.” He released her. “At least let me add coals and make you warm before we leave.”

  Ella threw back the covers, contrived to gather her skirts modestly about her legs, and slid to the floor.

  “Very well, we’ll leave at once.” Saber stood also. “I’ll finish dressing and help you. Please sit close to the fire, such as it is.”

  He had become larger, even more maturely made in the years since they’d met in Cornwall. Ella felt tiny beside him, tiny and vulnerable—and filled with longing. Tonight Saber had finally declared that he would be her husband. This should have been the most treasured night of her life, rather than the most bitterly sweet.

  She pulled on her half-boots and pushed her stockings into her reticule. A moment more and her cape was settled firmly about her shoulders.

  “Good night, Saber. Thank you for agreeing to become my champion.”

  “Wait.” He stopped her from approaching the door. “I will see you and Max home. Should you prefer me to speak with Struan now, or in the morning?”

  “There is no need to make a fuss about this. Come at your convenience.” What had she done? He could not help but detest her for forcing his hand.

  “Damn it, Ella. Let’s not have coy behavior now.”

  “Coy?” She snorted and pulled up her hood. “Coy is something I’ve never been. Never will be. Life has not allowed me an opportunity to develop the ability to be coy.”

  “What, then?” He leaned against the door and crossed one foot over the other. “Are you going to insist that I go through the expected courting ritual? Shall we dance a few dances at a few balls and simper through a few walks in a few gardens?”

  His sarcasm cut Ella. Her legs felt fluid and shaky. “You have every right to chastise me.”

  “Dash it all!” Even in the gloomy glow of a single lamp she saw a flush of anger in his cheeks. “You have what you wanted. What the devil is this contrary behavior?”

  She would never be without pride. “You, my lord, can be a crass, pompous, condescending ass. Good night.”

  If he’d railed at her, she’d have managed to leave with her dignity intact.

  Saber didn’t rail. He laughed. He opened his eyes wide, drove his fine white teeth into his bottom lip, braced his hands on his knees, and burst into bellows of laughter.

  “Laugh, sir. Go on, laugh. Asses bray, don’t they? So bray, sir, bray.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut, and she saw the glitter of tears at their corners. Finally he wrapped his arms around his lea
n middle and rested his head back against the door. “It’s— hardly—ladylike, ladylike to call a man an—ass.” Once more he dissolved into a chuckling, rocking, infuriatingly amused rattle-brain.

  “Let me pass, I tell you,” Ella demanded. “You are hysterical, my lord.” Her throat grew tighter by the moment. Any tears she allowed to fall would not be tears of mirth.

  “I thought you were different, not a woman likely to be offended by a man who thought you didn’t expect the niceties. I took you for granted, didn’t I? That’s what you thought? I didn’t get down on my knee and ask for your hand. And I was supposed to do that even though you came here and asked for mine.” His laughter faded to spasms of chuckles. “Really, Ella, you disappoint me.”

  “How unfortunate.” The tears came and she could not stop them. “You understand absolutely nothing. Do you understand that, you cabbage-head? I need no pretty courtship. I need nothing but you, your love, your wanting to be with me. You once led me to believe you wanted that too. All I longed for was to know I could stay where you are. But you decided to bestow your hand in marriage upon me. And I do thank you for that, Saber. As I’ve already said, you are an honorable man. Thank you.”

  “Ella, Ella—”

  “I do not ask you to forget that I love you—there is no need because you will want to forget that. But I do love you. I will always love you. And I think that in your way you love me.”

  “Ella—!”

  “Good night.”

  “No.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t respond to ‘good night’ with ‘no.’ Good night.”

  “No.”

  She spun away, and spun back to face him. “I need time to think—alone. Get out of my way.”

  “No.”

  “I’ll scream.”

  “Scream.”

  Ella wetted her lips, pressed them together, then opened her mouth …

  She couldn’t scream, had never been able to scream even when she’d needed to. “Very well.” The hood was hot, and she pushed it back. “Let me out of here.”

  “Make me.”

  “Oooh.” Ella paced before him.“You’d like that, wouldn’t you.”

  “Would I?”

  “Yes. You are excited by violence—” She knew her mistake at once.