Guilt Trap

by Dawson, H A

  Knotting her arms, she focused on the family of swans paddling in a line a short distance away on the river, and hoped their serenity would somehow infiltrate her darkened mindset. In actuality, it did very little; once she had started the process of thinking about him, it didn’t matter where she was or that her father was no longer of this world. Nothing could stop the anguish from tightening her torso.

  She cast Josh a sideways glimpse. ‘ His parenting methods were extremely aggressive. If I accidentally spilled something, such as a bit of food onto the table, he would put me on chore duties for the remainder of the day. Invariably, weekends were for cleaning duties. His favourite task was to make me scrub the outside walls of the house wearing a board. Upon the back were the words, “I am clumsy and stupid and this is the price I pay”. My humiliation was immense. I could feel people staring and tutting as they walked past, but I couldn’t do a damned thing about it. If I said anything to them, my father would learn about it. How? I don’t know. Then he would extend his punishment.’

  ‘It sounds horrible.’

  She folded her trembling arms. ‘It was. His harsh treatment was endless and I grew terrified of him. Of course, my nervousness made me more clumsy, and, as I have often said about bullies, my spineless response increased his pleasure and his punishments.’

  ‘Couldn’t you stand up to him?’

  ‘I tried, but he was my father and he made the rules. And, that aside, he was physically stronger and could pin me down, take me into my bedroom, and lock me in. In fact, I didn’t mind that so much. Even though I was deprived of food and television, at least I was away from him and his humiliating tactics.’ She passed him a quick glance. ‘He loved to embarrass me in front of people.’

  ‘Your friends?’

  She nodded. ‘Not my school friends, though. I lived a distance from the school I attended, so they didn’t know how I suffered.’ She paused to swallow a lump in her throat relating to those dark months. ‘It was my friends at home, like those at the Girl Guides group that knew about him. I dreaded him turning up to pick me up. More often than not, he’d find something to criticise. Comments relating to my large size and sloppy posture were his favourites.’

  ‘I wondered where that particular doubt came from.’

  ‘He made me self-conscious. He was always making comments such as, “why can’t you be like Tracy, or Joy”, or “you’ll never amount to anything acting like a slob”. It turned people off me. I didn’t understand it at the time and became very bitter, believing everyone was against me. It wasn’t until much later that I realised that they avoided me because they were afraid he’d make similar comments to them. Which, of course, he never would. He saved that for me.’

  ‘Didn’t your mother do anything to stop it?’

  ‘No. In private, she often pleaded with me to try harder not to upset him, but she never defended me in front of him. I guess she was afraid of him too.’

  ‘Lovely man!’

  Her sigh was deep. ‘He was, but hey, it’s over. He can’t hurt me anymore can he?’

  As he squeezed her hand, her gaze wandered to the dogs sniffing at the waters edge before focusing on a bramble bush close by. Perched on one of the trailing branches, high up at the top were three juvenile sparrows. Moments later, one of their parents arrived with an offering of food, causing their wings to flap, noise to escape their mouths, and their beaks to widen.

  ‘So how does all this fit in with what happened on the website?’ he asked.

  She crossed her legs, released her hand from Josh’s grip, and pressed both arms tight to her middle. Her eyes were wide and fearful, heat rose to her cheeks, and her pulse thrummed in her ears. Then she turned to face him. ‘He made me act out of character. I bullied someone.’

  ‘What happened?’

  She opened her mouth to speak. No words ventured forth, unable to progress beyond the barrier she had erected years before.

  ‘Is it bad?’

  Knotting her hands, she stared at the river.

  ‘I am a good listener.’

  ‘I know you are, but it’s not about you, it’s about me.’ She touched his hand. ‘I’m not ready. Please don’t be angry.’

  ‘You’re ashamed.’

  ‘I regret what happened, but at the same time what followed was out of my control. I’ve learned since that we can control our own actions but we can’t be responsible for the action of others.’ She paused, assessing his expressionless face. ‘She got hurt, and yes, I regret it, but I wasn’t to blame. I didn’t make her react in such a way.’ Submerged in a terrifying memory, she trapped her quaking hands in her armpits and stared at the dogs, and at the same time listened to the wild beating of her heart.

  Josh looked at them also, and upon noticing them wandering a little too far, he whistled for their return. Mitzi and Harvey were quick to obey, and trotted to the bench and pressed their muzzles into his hands.

  He leaned forward, keeping his expression from her view, and ruffled their fur.

  ‘Are you ashamed of me?’ she asked.

  ‘Disappointed is probably more accurate.’

  His response hurt, especially when during the course of the next couple of minutes he seemed to be doing whatever he could to prevent his eyes from meeting hers. Consequently, her guilt rose, but then, having sat in an uncomfortable silence for what felt like an inordinate amount of time he broke the silence.

  ‘I still don’t understand why you’re sure there’s a connection.’

  ‘Instinct? The message said I hurt others. It was relevant to what happened.’

  ‘Okay, so you carry a guilty secret, but the message also said you don’t deserve the praise. That’s more likely to have come from Jodi, surely. You did say she wanted personal recognition.’

  ‘I don’t think she’d be so vindictive, and I’m not certain she knows about my insecurity with my weight and posture. Only those in my past – my deep past - would be aware of that.’

  Hesitating, he studied her expression. ‘I wouldn’t be so sure. I noticed it weeks ago, when I first met you. I reckon it’s common knowledge.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Afraid so.’

  She stared at her lap, unaware her doubts and insecurities were as obvious as they appeared, and pondered where and when others had noticed her self-conscious behaviour. It was an uncomfortable thought. Were they sniggering too? Did everyone consider her shallow and deceitful?

  Josh caught her attention, apparently awaiting a response.

  ‘I still don’t believe Jodi would do this,’ she said. ‘We’ve been friends for years.’

  ‘Then what about Earl?’

  ‘Earl? No. I can’t see that being true at all. He’s in his sixties. I’d imagine him to be a bit past this kind of behaviour.’

  ‘Then what about Kelly? She’s new to the business, and she’s about your age. Maybe she’s connected to your past.’

  Maddie’s head spun with what she knew about her latest employee, and remembered their initial interview and the way she had tried hard to impress. Not only had she made compliments relating to the centre, but she had praised her style and manner too. At the time, she believed it was due to Kelly’s nervousness and a need to get the job; in actuality she wondered if it was deeper founded and the result of a deep-founded desire to get involved in her life.

  She turned to Josh. ‘I don’t like to think negatively about her.’

  ‘Just consider it as a possibility. Keep a close eye on her.’ Unexpectedly, his jaw dropped and his eyes widened. ‘Oh no, I’ve just remembered something. Yesterday, after everyone had left, I saw her exiting the office. She must have been in there uploading the new version of the website.’

  Not wanting to believe she had been betrayed by one of her staff, and needing to contemplate her decision in private, Maddie called the dogs towards her, attached their leashes, and handed Harvey’s to Josh.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ he asked.

  ‘I’ll
question her tomorrow.’

  He placed his arm upon her back. ‘I’m certain it’s her.’

  Walking through the village, following the trail to their home, she pondered his suggestion. Whilst it would be good to know her enemy, it also caused an uncomfortable stirring of her anxieties. If they had attended the same school where her depraved actions had taken place, which was seventy miles from their current locations, Kelly must have deliberately sought her out with vengeful intentions.

  Would an apology be enough to end what Kelly had planned, or was she destined to suffer in the same way as Emma Anderson, the bullied girl from her youth?

  Maddie’s heart quickened its beat.

  Only time would tell.

  Kelly remained on Maddie’s mind for the rest of the day, and into the start of the working week. She knew she was going to have to confront her, but at the same time didn’t feel it was appropriate to accuse her outright. Trundling into her office, she sought the most sympathetic route forward.

  Drawn to the brightness, she stood by the window, and gazed absently at the car park and the woodland beyond. It was a beautiful location, and normally she found the tranquillity and remoteness replenishing and reinvigorating. Today, it did nothing to alleviate her unease and she stared at the treetops and clouds, her mind anxious and in turmoil.

  Needing to focus her intentions, Maddie reached into a cabinet, and laid Kelly’s job application form and associated documents upon the desk. Then, sitting upon her swivel chair, she checked the details, looking for a connection to her hometown or anyone associated with it. None was there. Her apprehension intensified.

  Could everything she was looking at be a lie? If Kelly was causing this trouble, she may have suspected gaining employment would be difficult if she listed anything connected to her hometown; hence her reason for selecting small companies located in a distant location to provide her with a job history. Combined with the references received at the interview, Kelly had been careful avoiding difficult questions relating to her past.

  Dismayed by her gullibility, Maddie chewed her lip. She should have, in the very least, have checked that the phone numbers on the application form existed. She hadn’t even checked the companies were genuine, and had taken her at her word. Kelly could be anyone; she could be Emma’s friend or a relative. Was Kelly even her real name? Probably not. What a fool, an absolute fool! How could she have been so careless?

  Troubled by her growing problem, she switched on the computer, accessed an Internet search engine, and searched for the companies listed on the application form. To her surprise, they existed. She was about to pick up the telephone and call the name of the person on the reference when the sound of angry voices coming from the car park drew her attention.

  Kelly was standing beside a car and shouting profanities at the driver, a middle-aged man with a coarse complexion and straggly hair. He too, was making a scene, and even at the distance she was at, she could see his anger colouring his skin and his neck veins projecting.

  ‘Knock knock,’ Jodi said.

  Maddie spun around, and then flashed Kelly a quick glance. Jodi noticed her intrigue, and sauntered across and joined in the viewing.

  ‘I’ve noticed she’s a bit of a hot head,’ Jodi said. ‘She lets the slightest thing get on top of her – quite the emotional one.’

  ‘Does it affect her work?’

  ‘No, I can’t say it does. She’s trying very hard to fit in. I got the impression she needs this job more than she admits.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘I think she’s in a bit of debt – just something she said.’ Jodi glanced at the documents upon the desk, causing Maddie to scurry them away. ‘Has something happened?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’ She paused, studying her tranquil face. ‘I am really sorry about the speech I made on Saturday. I should have recognised the part you played. In fact, I was thinking of placing the speech on the website, and adding an extra bit about you.’

  She raised her hand. ‘Forget it. I was being childish.’

  ‘No you weren’t. You were absolutely right.’

  ‘Then thank you.’

  Maddie forced a smile. ‘Do you have time for a chat? There’s something else I’d like to discuss.’

  ‘I’m a bit rushed this morning. I’ve the animal pens to clean out and a class in fifty minutes. We can chat while I work if you like.’

  ‘Sure.’

  Maddie returned Kelly’s paperwork into the cabinet, locked the computer, and followed Jodi outside to a shed. They donned the appropriate attire, collected two shovels along with poop bags, and headed to the pens.

  They started cleaning the chicken pen furthest away, and were welcomed by a rush of birds. As always, they were eager to see their human companions, and remained close to their feet, making the occasional clucking sounds and watching their progress.

  Maddie broke the silence. ‘Do you see the website on Saturday night?’

  She shook her head, her expression questioning and concerned.

  ‘Someone defaced it.’

  ‘What! How?’

  ‘It was a personal attack – relating to my past.’ She noticed her enquiring face. ‘The bullying incident.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘You’re the only person who knows about it, and I know it wouldn’t have been you.’ She paused, studying her blank expression. ‘I’m concerned Kelly may have lied about her past and may be connected to the girl I hurt.’

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  Maddie shook her head. ‘It’s just a suspicion. Have you picked up on anything?’

  ‘I can’t say I have. Does she know how to upload websites?’

  ‘Not according to her application form.’

  ‘You might be jumping to conclusions. You must confront her, but if you want my opinion, I’d tread carefully. As I said, she has a temper. She might not take kindly to what you’re insinuating and it could backfire.’

  ‘My thoughts exactly. I don’t want to trigger her to searching into my past.’

  ‘No you don’t. Quite frankly, we don’t need the publicity.’

  Maddie agreed.

  ‘I’d also avoid involving the police – at least leave it for as long as you can. Again, bad publicity. These things have a way of getting out.’

  She nodded, and since they had finished scooping the poop and adding fresh straw, they continued to the next pen. She continued mulling over Jodi’s advice, and decided it may be better to do as Josh had suggested and keep a close eye on Kelly rather than speaking to her directly. That way, she may be able to stay stop something from happening before it started.

  She voiced her thoughts to Jodi.

  ‘Sounds like a plan.’ She peered over Maddie’s shoulder. ‘Talking of whom …’

  Maddie spun around, and upon noticing Kelly striding towards her, she put on an approachable face and walked to the fence.

  ‘Can I have a word?’ Kelly asked.

  ‘Sure.’

  She cast Jodi a nervous glance. ‘Privately?’

  Maddie exited the pen, deposited her shovel, overalls and gloves inside the shed and washed her hands. She was just about to return to Kelly, who was waiting outside, when one of the café staff hurried towards her, apparently amidst a problem involving a delivery. Feeling as though it was something that needed priority, she told Kelly she would find her when the situation had been resolved, and strode away.

  It didn’t take Maddie long to sort out the problem, which related to the absence of some ordered goods, and then she searched for Kelly. She was training the dogs in a small arena, preparing for a class, and given what she was seeing, she was doing a wonderful job. Even though Mitzi was very young and exuberant, and her tail permanently wagged, she was a quick learner, and copied the older dogs, displaying intelligence.

  Eventually, Kelly caught her watching, and having shared a brief conversation relating to her work, Maddie suggested they went inside to talk.

  �
��No, here’s fine. I just a bit embarrassed to speak in front of Jodi,’ she said, and searched for a reaction. ‘I wanted to apologise for what you saw in the car park. It wasn’t professional bringing my problems to work. It got out of hand.’

  Maddie held a pensive stare, curious as to the direction of the conversation.

  ‘Jodi thinks I have a temper, but the gates are as far as it goes. I just wanted you to know that.’

  ‘Okay … thanks for your honesty.’

  ‘I love this job, I really do, and don’t want anything to come between us.’

  ‘Who was the man you were with?’

  ‘Dave used to be my partner. We split up when I moved here. I was hoping he wouldn’t track me down. I told him not to – I want nothing to do with him – but he won’t accept it’s over.’

  ‘Were you together a long time?’

  ‘A couple of years. We met at Braithwaites, the food suppliers.’

  Maddie didn’t recall seeing the company on Kelly’s application form, and made a mental note of the name, and then, claiming forgetfulness, asked her if she worked with computers.’

  ‘Computers?’ Her curiosity lit her face. ‘No. I don’t know a thing about them. I can use phones and ipads, but that’s about it.’ Kelly held a pensive stare. ‘You’re not looking for someone to help with your website problem, are you?’

  ‘You know about that?’

  She nodded.

  ‘How did you find out?’

  ‘I …’ She glanced nervously in the general direction of the chicken pens. ‘I was trying out my ipad and wanted to search for something. The anti-bullying website was the first thing I thought of.’

  Maddie frowned. Whilst her explanation was plausible, it seemed a curious thing to do. Why had she not chosen to look on a news site or shopping site? However, before she had a chance to enquire any further, she saw Josh hurrying towards her, and he had a worried look upon his face.

  She stepped towards him, leaving Kelly alone with the dogs.

  ‘There’s a problem,’ he said. ‘Apparently, we sent out a global email this morning. It’s derogatory – an insult to our customers, and …’ he paused, anxious. ‘There’s a reference to you … a personal reference, an attack. It mentions a girl called Emma.’