Guilt Trap

by Dawson, H A

  ‘And how long have you been together?’

  ‘Months … since April.’

  ‘What job does he do?’

  ‘He develops computer systems for a company in Leeds, but he’s able to work from home, so it worked out perfectly. Otherwise, the daily commute would be hell. As it is, he goes in once a week, twice at the most.’

  ‘Is it web design he’s involved with?’

  ‘No, it’s behind the scenes stuff – mainframe work. He doesn’t know anything about websites.’

  Luke made a note on his pad. ‘Do you have family close by?’

  ‘No. I have no siblings and my parents are dead. I lost contact with my wider family years ago.’

  He tapped his fingers of the desk, holding a pensive expression.

  ‘I am certain this is Kelly’s doing. I was going to confront her myself, but I’m worried what she’ll do. If I’m wrong, she may investigate my past and expose the fact I was a bully. If I’m right, she could feel threatened by my knowledge and make my life hell. Either way, if this becomes common knowledge the foundation will be at risk, and that’s something I can’t allow. I refuse to let down the children. There are many families depending upon us.’

  ‘Okay. We’ll look into it, starting with Kelly.’

  ‘And you will be discreet?’

  ‘Certainly, but we will have to speak to various individuals. What’s happened can’t be hidden forever, and since Emma’s name has been made common knowledge – her first name at least - you may find people have already started investigating.’

  Maddie tightened her grip on her shoulder bag as she stared vacantly at Luke. He was right, of course. No matter what she did to try to limit the damage, the word was already out. It even made her question if there was any point in hiring an investigator, but remembering the clock and the countdown, she told herself there was every point. Something more severe would occur when the clock stuck midnight; it was something she could not allow.

  ‘We have to bring an end to this before I receive all the clocks,’ she said.

  ‘We’ll do our best. If that’s all, I’d like to end the interview at this point. We’ll be in touch.’

  Shaking his hand, she stressed the need for urgency and left the office. Rushing to the car, her head was in turmoil, with images of her life splattered across the papers and on the local news. Needing reassurance, she dialled Josh’s number.

  ‘Hello,’ he said brightly, ‘how has it gone?’

  ‘Fine … good. Has anything else happened?’

  ‘No. I’ve been helping Jodi with the damage limitation. Several people have been asking who Emma is. I told them she was a school friend from years ago.’

  Her pulse quickened and her feet stilled. ‘Why did you do that?’

  ‘To prove she was no one locally.’

  ‘Okay.’ She hesitated, thoughtful, ‘I don’t want any of this to get out, and I don’t want anyone to research my past.’

  ‘They won’t. What happened at Oakton Comprehensive will stay there.’

  Maddie gasped. ‘How did you know the name of my school?’

  ‘You told me.’

  ‘No I didn’t.’ She clutched the phone tighter in her hand and stepped to the edge of the pavement. ‘What do you know?’

  His gentle, reassuring voice sounded down the earpiece telling her that she must have mentioned it at some point, which was, as she considered the various conversations they had shared over the preceding months, quite likely. She mustn’t suspect everyone she met as colluding against her, and thus she apologised for her outburst and admitted to her paranoia.

  ‘Don’t worry about it. I’d be the same in your position.’

  She did not respond, but listened to the genuineness of his tone with his underlying hurt, and it caused her guilt to mount. Accusing Josh would achieve nothing. He had played no part in her past and had grown up in another town, many miles away from her childhood location. She had nothing to fear.

  ‘Please trust me Maddie,’ he said. ‘I’d like to help you.’

  ‘I do … I promise. I’m just …’ she paused, struggling to find the words to explain her anxieties without sounding accusatory. None would come.

  ‘I get you’re anxious, but I believe it’ll help if you tell me what happened with Emma.’

  ‘I … I’m not sure I can.’

  ‘Try, please. This is important to me.’

  ‘I’ll try.’

  ‘Thank you, and drive safely. Love you.’

  ‘Love you too,’ she said, and pressed the end-button on the phone.

  Chapter 5

  Maddie raised her legs onto the sofa, encouraged her ginger cat onto her lap, and watched as Josh brought in two glasses and an opened bottle of wine into the lounge. He was a good-looking man, and had a broad chest, narrow hips, and smooth facial features and looked far younger than his thirty-seven years.

  ‘There are times I look at you and feel as though I recognise you from somewhere,’ she said. ‘Did you ever spend time in Doncaster?

  ‘I spent time with a family friend when I was in my teens, but it didn’t work out. He lived on the south-east side – not far from the Yorkshire Wildlife Park. You lived at the north side, didn’t you?

  ‘I’m surprised you remember.’

  ‘I have a good memory.’ He handed her a glass and poured in the wine. There was a glint in her eye. ‘I’m not stalking you.’

  Shame coloured her face. ‘I’m sorry about that. I overreacted.’

  Josh smiled, placed the bottle onto the small oak table, and sat on the armchair.

  ‘Did you stay with your friend after your parents split?’

  ‘That’s right. My father shot through and my mother ended up in a mental institute. I hated it there, and since I was sixteen and school wasn’t a necessity, I didn’t stay long and travelled to London. I got into all kinds of trouble.’ He sipped his wine. ‘As you keep saying, some things are better off in the past.’

  Fearing his hidden criticism, her expression hardened. In her defence, she reminded herself she wasn’t deliberately keeping things from him. It was just easier than sharing painful memories.

  ‘I became involved with some blokes,’ he continued. ‘At first, it was great fun, after our antics, we’d howl with laughter. We stole, caused trouble … the general stuff – petty crime. However, after a while, we wanted better kicks we did bigger things.’

  ‘That’s often how it starts.’

  Josh agreed. ‘The boys ganged up on someone they’d decided to dislike. They knifed him.’

  ‘No!’

  He nodded solemnly. ‘It wasn’t pretty. Watching him bleeding …’ His eyes misted as he shook his head. ‘I felt so helpless.’

  ‘That’s awful. Did he die?’

  Josh nodded, refilled his wine glass, glanced at Maddie’s, which was still untouched, so he returned the bottle to the table.

  ‘Was he caught?’

  ‘Yeah … he did time. It forced me to reassess it all, so I eventually cut the ties. Hence, my move back up north.’

  Distracting herself from the pain of his admission, Maddie ran her hand across her cat’s beautiful soft fur, and immediately, his little engine started and his purrs filled the air. Warming to her attention, he altered his position, and walked up her body and pushed his head into her face. She smiled at the pleasure it engendered, and reciprocated by tickling the top of his head and his chin.

  Josh’s stare drew her attention.

  ‘You’ve done all right for yourself since, though, haven’t you?’ she said.

  ‘Sometimes I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if my parents’ hadn’t divorced. It sent me on a path I would never have chosen. It was the same for my mother too. She’s never recovered.’

  ‘You’re still young enough to achieve much more. You shouldn’t have regrets Josh.’

  ‘We all have regrets,’ he said, displaying an assertive stare.

  She averted her ey
es, and trying to calm herself, stroked the length of her cat’s body. His pleasure-filled gaze did nothing to ease her torment.

  ‘Can you tell me a little bit about Emma? It might help.’

  Her heart pounded as her body stiffened, feeling stifled by his closeness, pushed her cat aside and hurried to the window. Standing with her arms folded, she gazed through the window and into the darkening sky.

  Abruptly, she turned around. ‘She was a sweet girl – didn't deserve to be the target for my aggression.’

  ‘Why did you choose her to bully?’

  ‘I don’t know. There was nothing different about her compared to the other girls. It just happened – something we never discussed.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Her name was Donna. For some reason, we teamed up. She was from a large family. There were ten or eleven of them, and her personal attention was limited. Her older sisters bossed her about. She-’

  ‘Tell me what you did to Emma.’

  Maddie’s anxiety creased her face. She shuffled her feet, rubbed her hands across her chilled arms, and stared at a spot on the carpet. It had been years since she had spoken to anyone about it. In fact, aside from Jodi, and of course Luke, the only person who she had spoken to in any great depth about Emma had been her mother, and even then, it was only because of her suspension from school. She’d had no choice.

  He stared intensely.

  ‘It was the usual stuff,’ she said. ‘Name calling, stealing her things, embarrassing her in front of others. Things I’m not proud of.’

  ‘Why did you do it?’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Why did your gang kill?’

  ‘They weren’t my gang.’

  ‘Then the blokes you were involved with – same thing.’

  He stared voicelessly, and after a few tense moments, continued to speak. ‘You must have had a reason for targeting her.’

  ‘She didn’t fight back and try to stop us. And, I’m ashamed to say, her reaction amused us.’

  ‘In other words, she was weak.’

  She regarded him with anxiety. ‘It was more about who she was and what she had. She was always getting top grades, and from we heard she was from a stable family. She had everything I didn’t have, branded clothes, the latest gadgets, expensive pens. Everything I had came from the pound shops.’

  ‘So you were jealous.’

  Maddie hesitated. She wouldn’t have quite put it like that, and had never considered that being a driving force in the past, but as she considered it, she was forced to admit it might have been part of her motive.

  ‘It’s no excuse,’ he said, his tone rising. ‘You can’t ruin someone else’s life just because yours is crap. You should have confronted your father instead of taking it out on Emma.’

  ‘I know.’

  He stood up and ran his hand across his spiky hair. His disappointment was obvious, adding to her shame, causing her trembles to increase and moisture to gather in her eyes. She would do anything to change the course of the past, but as her mother had once said, only the future mattered. Her bullying foundation was her future, and that must be her focus.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he mumbled. ‘It’s similar to what happened to me. It brings it back.’

  His comment caused a rush of relief. ‘I thought you were angry with me.’

  His shake of his head was almost imperceptible.

  ‘I’ll never forgive myself,’ she said, sniffling and reaching to the box of tissues. ‘Almost everyday I’ll remember the hurt look in her eyes. Some of the things we did … I can’t even deal with thinking about them, let alone speaking of them.’

  Josh held a stern gaze. ‘Try.’

  ‘We did a lot of minor things – at least compared to what happened later - like poking fun at her appearance. She didn’t wear fashionable clothes. Her tops were shapeless and often appeared a size too big, and her skirts loose and ill-fitting. She looked out of place compared to the rest of us. She had also large boobs – something most girls would die for, but Emma hated them. It probably didn’t help that we’d make comments asking about her black eyes after running classes. It started a trend. The boys joined in too and they made her life hell.’

  ‘They?’

  ‘We all did,’ she corrected.

  ‘Yet, it didn’t stop you from torturing her.’

  Maddie clenched her hands across her stomach and spoke in a feeble voice. ‘I can’t turn back the clock. Don’t you think I would if I could?’

  ‘I just don’t understand why you didn’t react differently to what she was going through. You could have stopped it all. You had the power, yet did nothing.’

  Bothered by his anger, she cast him a distressed glance.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and turned his back. ‘I can’t get that kid from London out of my head.’

  ‘Did you pick him out because he didn’t fit in too?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He regarded her with compassion. ‘It’s not easy living with it, is it?’

  She shook her head. ‘I regret what happened, I changed the course of her life – and probably her family too – but I can’t be made responsible for the way she handled it. Emma could have sought help and told the teachers. She could have told her family or brother, someone … anyone. She didn’t need to suffer in silence. It’s what we’re forever teaching. She should have stood up for herself.’

  ‘So you’re denying responsibility?’

  ‘No …’ she studied his unreadable expression. ‘Of course not. The foundation is proof of how sorry I am. All I’m saying is that is that she could have helped herself by acting differently.’

  Josh did not reply and reached for the wine bottle. Having poured in the remainder, which half-filled his glass, he disappeared into the kitchen for another bottle, leaving her alone to ponder her admission.

  It had been far easier to speak out than she had expected, and she wanted to say more. Maybe it was because it had gone around in her head a countless number of times that the pain had diminished, or maybe it was due to when earlier, Luke’s non-judgemental response had freed her of an element of guilt. Either way, she was grateful to have finally shared her burden, and as Josh returned into the room, she voiced her gratitude.

  ‘It’s possible there is a connection between what happened and you receiving the award.’

  ‘In some ways, I’d rather not have received it. It …’ she hid her shamed face. ‘It makes me feel like a hypocrite.’

  ‘I get that.’ He poured the wine into her glass, took her hand, and coaxed her to sit closer on the sofa. Willingly, she complied, and squeezed herself into his side, looking for his warmth and comfort to ease her shivering body.

  ‘It will be over before long,’ he said.

  ‘I hope so. I dread to think what might happen if Luke doesn’t prove Kelly’s responsible and put a stop to it.’

  ‘Are you certain it’s her?’

  ‘I'm sure it’s someone connected to my past, someone who’s involved in the business, since they need an inside knowledge of the websites and email accounts. Kelly is the prime candidate.’

  ‘Not Jodi?’

  ‘I don’t think so. She has a stake in the business and therefore too much to lose. And I trust her. It’s out of character.’

  ‘Maybe, but with you out of the way she’d benefit and help recover the foundation.’

  ‘She could …’ Her voice drifted as scenes of her public humiliation pounded her head. Josh was right; if she suffered, Jodi would be in a prevailing position.

  ‘Perhaps Jodi wanted more than you offered,’ Josh said.

  He was right. Jodi had wanted a stake in the foundation, something that she hadn’t allowed since she had wanted it all for herself, a way of easing her conscience. Had that been her mistake? Was Jodi using her knowledge of her past as a way of getting what she wanted?

  She glanced at him nervously.

  ‘I wouldn’t worry too much.’

  ‘It’s hard not to when s
omeone is out to ruin me. If what I did to Emma gets out …’ she pulled away and stared into space. ‘No one must know what happened.’

  ‘I take it there’s more to it than what you’ve told me.’

  She nodded.

  ‘Care to share?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, jumping to her feet and noticing the darkened sky. ‘I have to put the animals to bed.’

  ‘Later?’

  ‘Maybe,’ she said, and fled the room.

  Chapter 6

  After a busy day in the office, Luke climbed into his car experiencing a sense of relief. He and Imogen had barely had a chance to exchange comments such was the demand upon both of them from several of their clients; hence, his decision to invite her to accompany him upon his trip to Maddie Watson’s home and workplace, their final job of the day. Aside from needing to learn of her investigations, she had a keen eye for detail. Given the urgency of the case, he needed every advantage he could muster.

  Driving away, he gave her a quick sideways glance. She was checking her makeup and hair in the mirror, and making fine adjustments. It was one of her quirks and something she did with regularity.

  ‘You’re arms will tire,’ he said.

  Imogen grinned. ‘It’s funny you should say that. They often do, and it’s such a nuisance, especially when I’m doing something delicate like plucking my eyebrows.’

  ‘Maybe I should do it for you.’

  ‘Do you honestly think I’d let you do that?’

  ‘Why not? I thought I was a good masseur. And you did say you thought I was a natural. Maybe I’m in the wrong job. I could take up pampering professionally.’

  ‘That’d be right. You’re after the hot women!’

  ‘Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that.’

  ‘Unlikely story! Anyway, you weren’t that good! I only said it so as not to hurt your feelings. In fact, if truth be known, you were a little rough.’

  ‘Rough? Really?’

  She hid her amused expression with her mirror.

  ‘I was good, admit it! Why else did you ask me to do your legs?’