The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern

by Lilian Jackson Braun

  The cat approached with arched back, question-mark tail, and the backswept whiskers of disapproval. He made vehement one-note complaints.

  "I'm sorry," said Qwilleran. "Did you think you were abandoned? You'll never believe this, but we went for a walk — a long walk. That's what lady architects like to do on a date — take you for a walk, looking at buildings. I'm bushed!" He sank into a chair and kicked off his shoes without untying the laces. "For three hours we've been looking at architecture: insensitive massing, inefficient site-planning, trite fenestration… " Koko was howling impatiently at his knee, and Qwilleran picked up the cat, laid him across his shoulder, and patted the sleek fur. He could feel the muscles struggling beneath the pelt, and Koko wriggled away and jumped down.

  "Is something wrong?" Qwilleran asked.

  "YaW-OW!" said Koko.

  He ran to the Spanish chest that housed the stereo set. It was a massive carved piece built close to the floor, resting on four bun-shaped feet. Koko plumped to the floor in front of it, stretched one foreleg, and vainly tried to reach under the chest, his brown tail tensed in a scimitar curve.

  Qwilleran uttered a weary moan. He knew the cat had lost his homemade mouse — a bouquet of dried mint leaves tied in the toe of an old sock. He also knew there would be no sleeping that night until the mouse was retrieved. He looked for something to poke under the chest. Broomstick? There was no broom in the kitchen closet; the maids evidently used their own sweeping equipment…. Fireplace poker? There were no fireplaces at the Villa Verandah…. Umbrella? If Noyton owned one, he had taken it to Europe…. Fishing rod? Golf club? Tennis racquet? The man seemed to have no active hobbies…. Backscratcher? Long-handled shoe- horn? Clarinet? Discarded crutch?

  With Koko at his heels, yowling imperious Siamese commands, Qwilleran searched the premises. He thought wistfully of all the long, slender implements he could use: tree branch, fly swatter-buggy whip.

  Eventually he lowered himself to the floor. Lying flat, he reached under the low chest and gingerly extracted a penny, a gold earring, an olive pit, a crumpled scrap of paper, several dust- balls, and finally a familiar gray wad of indefinite, shape.

  Koko pounced on his mouse, sniffed it once without much interest, and gave it a casual whack with his paw. It went back under the Spanish chest, and Koko sauntered away to get a drink of water before retiring for the night.

  But Qwilleran stayed up smoking his pipe and thinking about many things: Cokey and nutmeg cocktails, Gracious Abodes and Mrs. Middy's lace collar, buggy whips and the situation in Muggy Swamp. Once he went to the wastebasket and fished out the crumpled paper he had found beneath the Spanish chest. There was only a name on it: Arne Thorvaldson. He dropped it in the basket again. The gold earring he tossed in the desk drawer with the paper clips.

  10

  On the day following the funeral, Qwilleran telephoned G. Verning Tait and asked if he might call and deliver the books on jade. He said he always liked to return borrowed books promptly.

  Tait acquiesced in a voice that was neither cold nor cordial, and Qwilleran could imagine the crimping of the mouth that accompanied it.

  "How did you get this number?" Tait asked.

  Qwilleran passed a hand swiftly over his face and hoped he was saying the right thing. "I believe this is — yes, this must be the number that David Lyke gave me." "I was merely curious. It's an unlisted number." Qwilleran put Noyton's address book away in the desk, stroked Koko's head for luck, and drove to Muggy Swamp in a company car. It was a wild shot, but he was hoping to see or hear something that would reinforce his hunch — his vague suspicion that all was not exactly as represented on the police record.

  He had planned no particular approach-just the Qwilleran Technique. In twenty-five years of newspapering around the country he had enjoyed astounding success in interviewing criminals (described as tight-lipped), old ladies (timid), politicians (cautious), and cowboys (taciturn). He asked no prying questions on these occasions. He just smoked his pipe, murmured encouraging phrases, prodded gently, and wore an expression of sympathetic concern, which was enhanced by the sober aspect of his moustache.

  Tait himself, wearing his usual high color and another kind of silk sports shirt, admitted the newsman to the glittering foyer. Qwilleran looked inquiringly toward the living room, but the double doors were closed.

  The collector invited him into the library. "Did you enjoy the books?" he said. "Are you beginning to feel the lure of jade? Do you think you might like to collect?" "I'm afraid it's beyond my means at the moment," said Qwilleran, adding a small falsehood: "I'm subletting Harry Noyton's apartment at the Villa Verandah, and this little spree is keeping me broke." The name brought no sign of recognition. Tait said: "You can start collecting in a modest way. I can give you the name of a dealer who likes to help beginners. Do you still have your jade button?" "Carry it all the time!" Qwilleran jingled the contents of his trouser pocket. Then he asked solemnly, "Did Mrs. Tait share your enthusiasm for jade?" The corners of Tait's mouth quivered. "Unfortunately, Mrs. Tait never warmed to the fascination of jade, but collecting it and working with it have been a joy and a comfort to me for more than fifteen years. Would you like to see my workshop?" He led the way to the rear of the house and down a flight of basement stairs.

  "This is a rambling house," said Qwilleran. "I imagine an intercom system comes in handy." "Please excuse the appearance of my shop," the collector said. "It is not as tidy as it should be. I've dismissed the housekeeper. I'm getting ready to go away." "I suppose you'll be traveling to jade country," said Qwilleran hopefully.

  His supposition got no verification.

  Tait said: "Have you ever seen a lapidary shop? It's strange, but when I am down here in this hideaway, cutting and polishing, I forget everything. My back ailment gives me no discomfort, and I am a happy man." He handed the newsman a small carved dragon. "This is the piece the police found behind Paolo's bed when they searched his room. It's a fairly simple design. I've been trying to copy it." "You must feel very bitter about that boy," Qwilleran said.

  Tait averted his eyes. "Bitterness accomplishes nothing." "Frankly, his implication came as a shock to me. He seemed an open, ingenuous young man." "People are not always what they seem." "Could it be that Paolo was used as a tool by the real organizers of the crime?" "That is a possibility, of course, but it doesn't bring back my jades." "Mr. Tait," said Qwilleran,"for what it is worth, I want you to know I have a strong feeling the stolen objects will be found." "I wish I could share your optimism." Then the collector showed a spark of curiosity. "What makes you feel that way?" "There's a rumor at the paper that the police are on the track of something." It was not the first time Qwilleran had spread the rumor of a rumor, and it often got results.

  "Strange they have not communicated with me," said Tait. He led the way up the stairs and to the front door.

  "Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it," Qwilleran said. Then casually he remarked, "That housekeeper of yours- would she take a temporary job while you're away? A friend of mine will need a housekeeper while his wife is in the hospital, and it's hard to get good help on a short-term basis. " "I have no doubt that Mrs. Hawkins needs work," said Tait.

  "How long before you'll be needing her again?" "I don't intend to take her back," said Tait. "Her work is satisfactory, but she has an unfortunate personality." "If you don't mind, then, I'd like to give her phone number to my friend." Tait stepped into his library and wrote the information on a slip of paper. "I'll also give you the name and address of that jade dealer in Chicago," he said, "just in case you change your mind." As they passed the living room Qwilleran looked hungrily at the closed doors. "Did Paolo do any damage in opening the cases?" "No. No damage. It's small comfort," Tait said sadly, "but I like to think the jades were taken by someone who loved them." As Qwilleran drove away from Muggy Swamp, he felt that he had wasted a morning and two gallons of Daily Fluxion gas. Yet, throughout the visit, he had felt a teasing discomfort about the upper lip.
He thought he sensed something false in the collector's pose. The man should have been sadder — or madder. And then there was that heart- wringing curtain line: "I like to think the jades were stolen by someone who loved them." "Oh, brother!" Qwilleran said aloud. "What a ham!" His morning of snooping had only whetted his curiosity, and now he headed for the place where he might get some answers to his questions. He drove to the shop called PLUG on River Street.

  It was an unlikely spot for a decorating studio. PLUG looked self-consciously dapper among the dilapidated storefronts devoted to plumbing supplies and used cash registers.

  The merchandise in the window was attractively arranged against a background of kitchen oilcloth in a pink kitten design. There were vases of ostrich plumes, chunks of broken concrete painted in phosphorescent colors, and bowls of eggs trimmed with sequins. The price tags were small and refined, befitting an exclusive shop: $5 each for the eggs, $15 for a chunk of concrete.

  Qwilleran walked into the shop (the door handle was a gilded replica of the Statue of Liberty), and a bell announced his presence by tinkling the four notes of "How Dry I Am." Immediately, from behind a folding screen composed of old Reader's Digest covers, came the genial proprietor, Bob Orax, looking more fastidious than ever among the tawdry merchandise. There were paper flowers pressed under glass, trays decorated with cigar bands, and candelabra made out of steer horns, standing on crocheted doilies. One entire wall was paved with a mosaic of pop-bottle caps. Others were decorated with supermarket ads and candy-bar wrappers matted in red velvet and framed in gilt.

  "So this is your racket!" said Qwilleran. "Who buys this stuff?" "Planned Ugliness appeals to those who are bored with Beauty, tired of Taste, and fed up with Function," said Orax brightly. "People can't stand too much beauty. It's against the human grain. This new movement is a revolt of the sophisticated intellectual. The conventional middle-class customer rejects it." "Do you design interiors around this theme?" "Definitely! I have just done a morning room for a client, mixing Depression Overstuffed with Mail Order Modern.

  Very effective. I paneled one wall in corrugated metal siding from an old tool-shed, in the original rust. The color scheme is Cinnamon and Parsnip with accents of Dill Weed." Qwilleran examined a display of rattraps made into ashtrays.

  "Those are little boutique items for the impulse buyer," said Orax, and he added with an arch smile, "I hope you understand that I'm not emotionally involved with this trend. True, it requires a degree of connoisseurship, but I'm in it primarily to make a buck, if I may quote Shakespeare." Qwilleran browsed for a while and then said: "That was a good party at David's place Monday night. I hear he's giving another one on Saturday — for Mrs. Noyton." "I shall not be there," said Orax with regret. "Mother is giving a dinner party, and if I am not on hand to mix good stiff drinks for the guests, Mother's friends will discover how atrocious her cooking really is! Mother was not born to the apron…. But you will enjoy meeting Natalie Noyton. She has all the gagging appeal of a marshmallow sundae." Qwilleran toyed with a pink plastic flamingo that lit up. "Were the Noytons and the Taits particularly friendly?" he asked.

  Orax was amused. "I doubt whether they would move in the same social circles." "Oh," said Qwilleran with an innocent expression. "I thought I had heard that Harry Noyton knew Mrs. Tait." "Really?" The Orax eyebrows went up higher. "An unlikely pair! If it were Georgie Tait and Natalie, that might make sense. Mother says Georgie used to be quite a womanizer." He saw Qwilleran inspecting some chromium bowls.

  "Those are 1959 hubcaps, now very much in demand for salads and flower arrangements." "How long had Mrs. Tait been confined to a wheelchair?" "Mother says it happened after the scandal, and that must have been sixteen or eighteen years ago. I was away at Princeton at the time, but I understand it was quite a brouhaha, and Siggy immediately developed her indisposition." Qwilleran patted his alerted moustache and cleared his throat before saying, "Scandal? What scandal?" The decorator's eyes danced. "Oh, didn't you know? It was a juicy affair! You should look it up in your morgue. I'm sure the Fluxion has an extensive file on the subject." He picked up a feather duster and whisked it over a tray of tiny objects. "These are Cracker Jack prizes, circa 1930," he said. "Genuine tin, and very collectible. My knowledgeable customers are buying them as investments." Qwilleran rushed back to the Daily Fluxion and asked the clerk in the library for the file on the Tait family.

  Without a word she disappeared among the gray rows of head-high filing cabinets, moving with the speed of a sleepwalker. She returned empty-handed. "It's not here." "Did someone check it out?" "I don't know." "Would you mind consulting whatever records you keep and telling me who signed for it?" Qwilleran said with impatience.

  The clerk ambled away and returned with a yawn. "Nobody signed for it." "Then where is it?" he yelled. "You must have a file on an important family like the Taits!" Another clerk stood on tiptoe and called across a row of files, "Are you talking about G. Verning Tait? It's a big file.

  A man from the Police Department was in here looking at it. He wanted to take it to Headquarters, but we told him he couldn't take it out of the building." "He must have sneaked it out," said Qwilleran. "Some of those cops are connivers…. Where's your boss?" The first clerk said, "It's his day off." "Well, you tell him to get hold of the Police Department and get that file back here. Can you remember that?" "Remember what?" "Never mind. I'll write him a memo."

  11

  On Saturday afternoon Qwilleran took Alacoque Wright to the ball park, and listened to her views on baseball.

  "Of course," she said, "the game's basic appeal is erotic. All that symbolism, you know, and those sensual movements!" She was wearing something she had made from a bedspread. "Mrs. Middy custom-ordered it for a king-size bed," she explained, "and it was delivered in queen-size, so I converted it into a costume suit." Her converted bedspread was green corduroy with an irregular plush pile like rows of marching caterpillars.

  "Very tasteful," Qwilleran remarked.

  Cokey tossed her cascade of hair. "It wasn't intended to be tasteful. It was intended to be sexy." After dinner at a chophouse (Cokey had a crab leg and some stewed plums; Qwilleran had the works), the newsman said: "We're invited to a party tonight, and I'm going to do something rash. I'm taking you to meet a young man who is apparently irresistible to women of all ages, sizes, and shapes." "Don't worry," said Cokey, giving his hand a blithe squeeze. "I prefer older men." "I'm not that much older." "But you're so mature. That's important to a person like me." They rode to the Villa Verandah in a taxi, holding hands. At the building entrance they were greeted with enthusiasm by the doorman, whom Qwilleran had foresightedly tipped that afternoon. It was not a large tip by Villa Verandah standards, but it commanded a dollar's worth of attention from a man dressed like a nineteenth-century Prussian general.

  They walked into the lofty lobby — all white marble, plate glass, and stainless steel — and Co key nodded approval.

  She had become suddenly quiet. As they ascended in the automatic elevator, Qwilleran gave her a quick private hug.

  The door to David's apartment was opened by a white-coated Oriental, and there was a flash of recognition when he saw Qwilleran. No one ever forgot the newsman's moustache. Then the host surged forward, radiating charm, and Cokey slipped her hand though Qwilleran's arm. He felt her grip tighten when Lyke acknowledged the introduction with his rumbling voice and drooping eyelids.

  The apartment was filled with guests — clients of David's chattering about their analysts, and fellow decorators discussing the Spanish exhibition at the museum and the new restaurant in Greektown.

  "There's a simply marvelous seventeenth-century Isabellina vargueno in the show." "The restaurant will remind you of that little place in Athens near the Acropolis. You know the one." Qwilleran led Cokey to the buffet. "When I'm with decorators," he said, "I feel I'm in a never- never land. They never discuss anything serious or unpleasant." "Decorators have only two worries: discontinued patterns and slow deliverie
s," Cokey said. "They have no real problems." There was scorn in the curl of her lips.

  "Such disapproval can't be purely professional. I suspect you were jilted by a decorator once." "Or twice." She smoothed her long straight hair self-consciously. "Try these little crabmeat things. They've got lots of pepper in them." Although Qwilleran had dined recently and well, he had no difficulty in trying the lobster salad, the crusty brown potato balls flavored with garlic, the strips of ginger-spiced beef skewered on slivers of bamboo, and the hot buttered cornbread filled with ham. He had a feeling of well-being. He looked at Cokey with satisfaction. He liked her spirit, and the provocative face peeking out from that curtain of hair, and the coltish grace of her figure.

  Then he glanced over her shoulder toward the living room, and suddenly Cokey looked plain. Natalie Noyton had arrived.

  Harry Noyton's ex-wife was plump in all areas except for an incongruously small waist and tiny ankles. Her face was pretty, like a peach, and she had peach-colored hair ballooning about her head.

  One of the decorators said, "How did you like the Wild West, Natalie?" "I didn't pay any attention to it," she replied in a small shrill voice. "I just stayed in a boarding-house in Reno and worked on my rug. I made one of those shaggy Danish rugs with a needle. Does anybody want to buy a handmade rug in Cocoa and Celery Green?" "You've put on weight, Natalie." "Ooh, have I ever! All I did was work on my rug and eat peanut butter. I love crunchy peanut butter. " Natalie was wearing a dress that matched her hair-a sheath of loosely woven wool with golden glints. A matching stole with long crinkly fringe was draped over her shoulders.

  Cokey, who was giving Natalie an oblique inspection, said to Qwilleran: "That fabric must be something she loomed herself, in between peanut-butter sandwiches. It would have been smarter without the metallic threads." "What would an architect call that color?" he asked.