Toxic: Logan's Story

by K. A. Robinson

  “We need to talk,” she said flatly.

  “Nah, we’re good. I said what I had to say.”

  “Bullshit. Talk to me, Logan. I want to know what’s going on with you. You always keep your thoughts locked away, and I’m tired of it! Tell me what you’re thinking!”

  “What do you want me to say? That you ripped out my fucking heart when you cheated on me? Okay, yeah, you did. You changed me. I stopped being the nice guy. Instead, I turned into a tamer version of Drake. I became an asshole, and I started sleeping with anything that looked at me. I used women the way you used me. There. Happy?”

  “I didn’t use you, Logan,” Chloe whispered.

  “Yes, you did. You wanted Drake, but you stayed with me. You lied to me about how you felt when it came to him, and then you cheated on me.”

  “I never meant to hurt you. I know what I did to you was wrong, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I was so confused, and I didn’t want to hurt you when I realized that I thought of you only as a friend.”

  “So, you thought cheating on me wouldn’t hurt me? Are you fucking dense? I would have rather listened to you tell me that you didn’t love me rather than hear how you fucked Drake repeatedly behind my back! Who does that to someone they love?”

  “I’m so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.” Her voice cracked as tears ran down her cheeks.

  For the first time ever, I didn’t feel sorry for her. She’d done this to me, not the other way around.

  “Sorry doesn’t fix how bad you fucked me over, Chloe. Sorry doesn’t fix anything.”

  “I know,” she whispered as she leaned against the wall. “I should have told you. The moment I realized that I loved Drake, I should have told you.”

  “Why him? What was it about Drake that made you love him instead of me? What did I do wrong? Answer me because I need to know. Whatever it is, I fucked up the same way with Jade.”

  “You didn’t fuck up, Logan, I swear. Drake is just…I clicked with him instantly.”

  “And you didn’t click with me? I’m your best friend.”

  “It was different with him. I don’t know how to explain it. I cared about him from the very beginning.”

  “Is it because he’s in a band? I know how much you like music.” I really had wondered if that was what had drawn her to him in the beginning.

  She gave me a disgusted look. “God, no. I mean, it was cool that he was in a band, but that had nothing to do with it. Truthfully, it made things harder. The groupies still get to me from time to time.”

  I ran my hand through my hair. “Look, I’m sorry for saying what I did. Let’s just forget everything, okay?”

  She shook her head. “No, not okay. I messed up, and you were the one who got hurt. I don’t want you to look at all women and assume that they’ll do the same thing that I did. It isn’t fair to them, and it certainly isn’t fair to you. You don’t deserve to be so jaded. You did nothing wrong.”

  “I can’t just forget, Chloe. It isn’t that easy.”

  “I know. I wish it were though. Will you tell me what happened with Jade?”

  “I thought things were going great with her. I was happy, really happy, for the first time since…well, you. Jade made me forget how pissed-off I was. She made me care about her. Just like with you, I thought things were going great. Then, we ran into her ex, Mikey. He reminded me so much of Drake. I hated him instantly. We went to watch his band perform. Jade went backstage after the show, and I followed her. I found her with him. He had her pressed up against the wall, kissing her, and she seemed to be enjoying herself. I should have known that things were too perfect. Nothing ever works out for me.”

  “Oh, Logan. What did she say to you? Did she try to explain?”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t give her the chance. I left. I went back to our apartment to grab my stuff, and then I drove home. She’s been calling me ever since, but I’ve ignored all her calls. I don’t want to hear her excuses. I know what I saw. Nothing can fix that.”

  Chloe bit her lip. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but maybe you should talk to her. I mean, it might not be what it looked like. At least give her a chance to explain.”

  “Nope, not happening. I’m done, Chloe. I’m done with you, with her, and with every other female out there. I’ve had it with the lying and the cheating.”

  “You don’t mean that. You’re just upset right now.”

  “No, I really do mean it. I’m finished. Look, I appreciate you coming in here and apologizing, but I think you should go. I know you’re going out with Drake and Amber.”

  “I can stay in tonight. We can hang out and watch a movie or something.”

  “Nah, I’d rather be alone. Go have fun.”

  “Logan—”

  “Go. I mean it,” I said.

  She hesitated before she finally nodded. “All right. But if you need me, call me, okay?”

  “Yeah, I will. I’ll see you later, Chloe.”

  She nodded before walking to the door and opening it. As soon as she disappeared, I stood and walked over to my bed. I dropped down onto it and willed myself to fall asleep. I didn’t want to deal with reality anymore today. Reality sucked.

  I’d spent all my adult life going after the wrong women. Hell, I’d spent my entire adult and most of my teenage years going after the wrong women. What was it about me that had made Chloe and Jade run, screaming, to the assholes in their lives? If it had just been Chloe, I wouldn’t blame myself. But when both of them had done the exact same thing, it was proof that something was definitely wrong with me. After everything that had happened, I had no doubt that I would be alone for the rest of my life. There was no way that I would ever trust a woman again.

  I’ll die alone. That was the last thought that had run through my mind before I drifted off to sleep.

  I grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on before walking to my closet and grabbing a shirt. As I pulled it over my head, someone knocked on my door.

  “Come in!” I yelled as I grabbed a pair of socks.

  I pulled them on as Chloe and Drake walked into my room.

  “Hey, where are you going?” Chloe asked.

  “To the shop to talk to my boss. He gave me the summer off, but I need to get back to work. I’m running low on cash, and I need to buy books. Classes start in a couple of weeks.”

  Truthfully, I had enough money to cover books and a few more months of rent, but I couldn’t stand to stay cooped up in this house anymore. I was driving myself nuts by staring at the walls all day.

  “I can loan you some money if you need it, Logan,” Chloe said, frowning.

  Since she was married to a rock star now, I had no doubt that she had extra cash lying around. Plus, she’d inherited a lot of money after her aunt passed away. It was strange to think that the poor girl I’d once known now had a house in L.A. and a full bank account.

  “I’m good. What’s up?” I asked.

  “I talked to Jade last night after my show,” Drake said.

  I tensed. “That’s great. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to head out.”

  “She’s a mess, Logan,” Chloe said sadly.

  “I really couldn’t care less,” I spit out.

  “Well, you should. You need to listen to Drake. What you think you saw isn’t what happened,” Chloe said.

  “I need to listen to Drake? Really? No offense, bro, but why the fuck would I want to listen to anything you have to say? We’re not exactly best buddies.”

  Drake glared at me.

  Good. I wanted to piss him off.

  “Look, I know you don’t like me. That’s fine. Whatever. But this has nothing to do with me. This is about Jade. She’s hurting, so you’re going to drop the fucking attitude and listen to what I have to say.”

  I saw red. After everything he’d done, he had no right to come into my house and demand that I listen to him.

  “You can go fuck yourself, asshole. I’m out of here.” I walked p
ast him and headed toward the door.

  He grabbed me and pulled me back.

  That was the last straw. I snapped. I spun around and punched him as hard as I could. I heard Chloe shouting as he stumbled back. I expected him to fall, but instead, he caught himself on my desk and then dived for me. We fell to the ground with him on top of me. I waited for him to punch me back, but he just held me down.

  “Now that I have your attention, let’s talk!” he shouted down at me.

  “Fuck off,” I said as I struggled.

  It was no use. I was a big guy, but he was, too, and he had me pinned down.

  “If I let you up, will you listen? Or are you going to try to hit me again?”

  “I’ll listen. Get off of me.”

  Drake rolled off of me and stood. “Thank God. No offense, but I never want to be pressed up against a dude like that again.”

  I slowly stood and walked over to my bed. I sat down, ignoring Chloe’s glare.

  “All right, now that we’re done with punching and cuddling, maybe you’ll let me tell you about Jade. She’s hurting right now. For as long as I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her like this. What you think you saw isn’t what happened. Mikey forced himself on her.”

  “It didn’t look like he had to force her very hard,” I muttered.

  “He did force himself on her right after he tried to convince her to take him back to L.A., so she could introduce him to our label. When she told him to fuck off, he got pissed and tried to kiss her. That’s when you walked in. He doesn’t care about her. All he wanted was to use her. She hates him, and she’s losing her mind because you won’t talk to her, so she can explain.”

  “Do you really expect me to believe that?” I laughed. “She can say anything she wants. It doesn’t change what I saw. Just because she told you her version doesn’t mean it’s true.”

  “And just because I cheated on you doesn’t mean you should assume that she would, too. Jade doesn’t lie, Logan. She cares about you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be this upset over everything,” Chloe said as she walked over to me. “What Drake and I did was wrong. We never meant to hurt you, but we did. Please, don’t make Jade suffer for something we did to you. She wouldn’t hurt you like that.”

  “I’ve known Jade for years. I’ve never seen her with a guy. She doesn’t ever get close to anyone. It took her a long time to warm up to me when I joined the band. It’s just not in her nature to trust people or put herself out there. With you, she did. You have to give her a chance, Logan,” Drake said quietly. “If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Don’t let what happened with Chloe and me cause you to make the biggest mistake of your life.”

  I looked back and forth between the two of them, unable to say anything.

  What did they want me to say? That I’d go call Jade right now and tell her she was forgiven? It didn’t work that way. Just because they thought she cared about me didn’t mean that she did.

  But what if they were telling the truth? What if Mikey had tried to use her, and I’d just walked in at the wrong time? I wanted that to be the truth, but I was so afraid to let myself hope. If she had lied to them and I went back to her, only to find out that she was with Mikey, it would kill me.

  The fact that I was even debating on giving her a chance to explain herself made me realize that I cared about her. This summer with her had been amazing. She’d made me happy, and she’d shown me that I was capable of caring after what Chloe had done to me.

  “I need to get out of here,” I said as I stood and walked toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” Chloe asked, her voice full of hope.

  “I have a lot of shit to think about. I’m going for a drive. I don’t know where I’m going or if I’ll even be back today.”

  Instead of going out the door, I turned and walked over to my closet. I pulled out a bag, and after throwing some of my clothes inside, I walked back toward the door. “I’ll see you guys later.”

  “Take all the time you need, Logan. Just so you know, we’re leaving for L.A. in three days. You’re more than welcome to come with us,” Chloe said as she walked over to me. She gave me a quick hug. “I love you, Logan. I hope you know that.”

  I kissed her forehead. “Yeah, I know.” I glanced over at Drake. “Sorry I hit you.”

  He grinned. “It wasn’t the first time, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Just get things figured out before Jade loses her mind, okay?”

  I nodded, and I walked out the door. I didn’t look back as I made my way down the hallway and out the front door. Once I reached my car, I threw my bag in the passenger’s seat and climbed behind the steering wheel. After backing out of my driveway, I turned onto the main road.

  I had no idea where I was going. All I wanted to do was drive.

  When I’d started driving, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would end up here. I stared at the tiny trailer I’d called home throughout most of my high school years. I hadn’t come home since I left for college, not even for Christmases. My mom and I weren’t close. We certainly didn’t hate each other, but we never really got along either. I’d resented her for moving me around so much when I was a kid, and she’d been so busy working that she didn’t have time to soothe my anger.

  It’d taken me over two hours to drive here, but it’d felt like minutes. One minute, I had been merging onto the interstate, and the next, I had been pulling up to my old driveway. I’d spent most of the drive down thinking about Jade and whether or not she had been telling the truth. I’d left my phone off. I’d been afraid that if she called again, I would cave and answer. I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. I was still processing the fact that Mikey might have forced himself on her, and instead of beating his face in, I’d called Jade names and walked away. Yeah, if she had been telling the truth, I owed her one hell of an apology.

  I shut off my car and stepped out. My mom’s old Chevy was parked a few feet away, so I knew she was home. I walked across the yard and climbed the steps to her front porch. After taking a deep breath to calm myself, I knocked.

  A minute later, the front door opened. My mom stood in the doorway, looking shocked. She looked younger than she actually was. She always had. When I had been in high school, some of my guy friends had made me want to vomit when they would talk about how hot she was. Her blonde hair and blue eyes were exactly like mine. She was thirty-seven, but she could pass for twenty-seven if she wanted to. She was tiny anyway, but she looked like a midget when she stood next to me. It was obvious I’d inherited my height from my dad—whoever the hell he was.

  “Logan?”

  “Hey, Mom,” I said quietly as we stared at each other.

  She held the door open, welcoming me inside. “Come in. I have to say, this is a surprise.”

  I shrugged. “I was in the neighborhood.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing in Charleston?”

  “I just needed to get away. I thought I’d stop by.”

  We stood across from each other, both of us clearly uncomfortable.

  What was I supposed to say to someone I’d barely spoken to over the last few years? Apart from a phone call here and there, we weren’t even in each other’s lives.

  “Do you want something to drink or eat?” my mom asked finally.

  “Nah, I’m good. I was hoping I could crash here for the night though, if it’s okay with you.”

  “Of course. Your room is still exactly how you left it. I wasn’t sure if you’d come back, but I didn’t want to change it in case you did.”

  That surprised me. I’d assumed that she boxed up everything I’d left behind the minute I walked out the front door to go to college.

  “Thanks.”

  “Is everything okay, Logan? I mean, I’m glad to see you, but you don’t normally visit.”

  “I just needed to get away for a few days.”

  “All right then, I’ll leave you to get settled in. I just got home from work
a few minutes ago. I’m working on dinner now.”

  “Cool, thanks,” I said as I turned to walk back to my car.

  After grabbing my bag from the car, I carried it into the house and back to my room. Opening my bedroom door was like walking into my past. My mom hadn’t been kidding when she said she’d left it exactly how it was when I moved out. I dropped my bag onto my old twin-sized bed and looked around. I smiled when I saw the photo album sitting on my nightstand. I’d forgotten it when I left.

  I picked it up and sat down on my bed next to my bag. I flipped through the first few pages, looking but not really paying attention. All these photos were from before I’d moved to West Virginia. I wasn’t even sure why I’d kept them. It sucked to look at the faces of people I’d called my friends, only to leave them a few months later and start all over.

  Once I hit my high school pictures, I slowed down and actually looked. Page after page was filled with Amber, Chloe, and me. They’d taken me in the day I started at their school, and we’d been inseparable ever since. I laughed at some of their ridiculous poses in a few of the photos.

  A few photos made me wince. I could see bruises on Chloe. Most of those were from our freshman and sophomore years. After that, her mother had pretty much disappeared, and Chloe had unofficially moved in with Amber and her parents. She looked so much happier after her mom had left. I hated that I’d let things go without telling someone, but the past was the past, and I couldn’t do a thing to change it.

  “How are they?” my mom asked from my doorway.

  I looked up to see her watching me. “They?”

  She motioned toward the photo album. “Chloe and Amber. Are you guys still attached at the hip?”

  I shook my head. My mom knew nothing about what had happened between Chloe and me.

  “Not really. Amber and I live together off-campus, but Chloe is in California now. She’s married, too.”

  My mom’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Since when?”

  “Last year. He’s in a band. A label signed them, and he moved out there, so Chloe followed him.”