PARANOIA A1 The Computer is Your Friend
Page 10
SERVICE GROUP RIVALRIES
United by loyalty to Alpha Complex, The Computer’s servants in the eight service groups cooperate in good spirits. Service firms from different groups sometimes undertake brief affrays, in a spirit of friendly competition; outside observers, happening upon them, may mistake them for cutthroat, homicidal blood feuds.
In particular, disregard frequent misguided reports of heated rivalries between Armed Forces and Internal Security; and between Power Services (which controls generation and transmission of energy) and Technical Services (which maintains bots, vehicles, and electronic service systems).
“ACTION REQUEST”
Q: How many Troubleshooters does it take to change a light bulb? A: The same number it takes to end a promising career in middle management.
Action Request
Greg Ingber
FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Troubleshooter Action Request?
Hi Jed-Y,
Haven’t networked with you in a while, hope they’re treating you well back at CPU/Filing. Good work you guys are doing over there, as always!
Last month The Computer reassigned me to the UUF Sector branch of DataBasix Data Integration Systems. Big step up for me! Every day we’ve got a vatload of high-clearance 1s and 0s flowing through these servers, and I’m responsible for all of it. It’s an exciting job, but I do sometimes miss the nitty-gritty, boots-on-the-tile work we did back in the old Filing Pool. Don’t miss the paper cuts, though. Guess I wasn’t built for manual labor.
Anyway, got a couple of jokes for you.
Q: How many Tech Services workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. That’s a Power Services job.
Funny, right? And if you liked that one:
Q: How many Power Services workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. That’s a Tech Services job.
Hilarious. Except, not. Not when you spend every workday sitting in the dark. Like me.
Here’s my situation: The lighting system here at DataBasix keeps blinking out. All day long, the lights flicker off and on. Mostly off. And when they go off, they stay off for hours. As Onsite Manager, I’m supposed to get someone to fix it. Except, as you might guess from the above, every service firm I’ve contacted tells me the maintenance and repair of our lighting system is somebody else’s problem. And as usual, “somebody else” means me. Honestly, I have to do everything around here. If our bathroom sanitation systems weren’t automated, I’d be called in for wiping duty.
Anyway, my assistant Gwen-O “knows a guy” in Tech Services, so she brought him by for an unofficial evaluation. After I paid him what he assured me was the going rate for unofficial evaluations (out of MY pocket), it took him all of 30 seconds to identify the issue: a blown D90x-001 Power Regulator Circuit. He said it was an easy fix, if I could get my hands on a replacement part. And, in case you were wondering: No, they don’t sell them in Hardware at my local Buyatorium. That would be too easy.
So, off I went to the local Production, Logistics & Commissary Components Depository. Yeah, yeah, I know—last place you expect to see a management type. But it’s not like I had a choice. Here’s a breakdown of my PLC experience:
20 minutes to find an actual human (if you can call him that) working there.
30 minutes for him to find his (even dumber) supervisor.
45 minutes for the supervisor to retrieve a circuit from the warehouse. (Because pulling one off a shelf is such a complex task.)
200cr bribe to walk out of there with the part. (Lazy plug-hoarders may be corrupt, but at least they’re reliably corrupt.)
After all that, I’ve got this power regulator thingy now, and all I need is somebody to install it. I’d ask one of the employees in the office to do it, but this place is full of data-entry monkeys who couldn’t Tech their way out of a broken swivel chair.
This is where I ask you for a favor, Jed-Y. Is there any way you could slip a Troubleshooter Action Request into the system for me? I know Troubleshooters aren’t generally activated for mundane repair jobs, but I can’t spend the next four months filling out the long version of the Request for Inter-Service Firm Conflict Resolution Arbitration form. (No offense. I know some of you CPU/Filing boys worked really hard designing that form. But it’s difficult to fill out all 87 pages, in triplicate, in the dark.) I’m pretty sure your standard-issue Troubleshooter team will have more than enough technical expertise to take care of this for me. If you can make this happen, I’ll owe you one. Big time.
Sincerely,
Burl-Y
PS: Thanks again for that slick Pleatherette PDC keypad cover you sent last Compulsory Pleasantries Day. Using it even now as I type this message. It’s the envy of the office!
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FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Re: Troubleshooter Action Request?
Hi Jed-Y,
Thanks much for putting that Troubleshooter Action Request into the system—and for flagging it High Priority! The subsector dispatcher just buzzed me, said she’ll be sending a team over tomorrow afternoon to fix this lighting problem.
I’ll actually be out of the office tomorrow. The boss is sending a bunch of us to a management retreat facility, In-Charge Recharge. Databasix is strongly committed to Personal Personnel Professional Development (PPPD). Looking forward to learning some Advanced Management Enablement in “a relaxing yet professional environment.” And hey, if there’s time between sessions, maybe I can sneak in one of those full-body exfoliating algae wraps! My assistant Gwen-O got one done last time she was there and couldn’t stop talking about it. “Opens up the pores! Leaves skin feeling silky smooth! Cleanses radiation residue!”
(Funny side note: You can’t believe how often a biz secretary can find ways to bring up “radiation.” Ever since I had to move Gwen-O’s cubicle next to the copy room venting chamber, she’s always whining about “irradiated toner particulates” or some such. I told her, hey, if you want me to me choose between keeping you or the Copytronics X444 Mass Duplication System, I’ll happily eliminate the expendable one. Those X444 machines units aren’t cheap, but they’re SO worth it—the direct opposite of some bitchy workers!)
Anyway, thanks again for your help with the request. Look forward to returning to a fully illuminated workplace.
Sincerely,
Burl-Y
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FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Back from retreat
Hey Jed-Y,
Got your message. It’s late, but I’m heading over to the DataBasix office right now, after-hours, just to confirm the office lighting system has been repaired.
Also wanted to grab some of the gray market analgesics I keep in my desk for “special occasions.” I’m afraid my Recharge experience was sub-sub-luxurious. Turns out I’m allergic to that damn algae wrap. Turned my whole body a not very flattering shade of green. The company docbot’s antihistamine ointment soothed the itch a little, but I’m still greener than a tub of KiwiBlast Cold Fun. Never should have let Gwen-O talk me into it. And before you ask, no I will NOT be posting pics for your amusement.
Got you a little something at the gift shop. I’ll send it over to your office tomorrow via jackobot. Enjoy!
Burl-Y
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FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: What happened?
Hey Jed-Y,
I’m at the office. No lights. Nothing got fixed. Not happy. Trying to figure out what happened.
Okay, I heard a banging sound from a closet, opened it, and found my assistant, Gwen-O. She says the Troubleshooter team arrived this afternoon just before closi
ng, then waited until everyone else left but her. She stayed to supervise them, so they threw her into the closet. This does not bode well.
Hey, sorry to do this, but I’m going to hand my PDC over to Gwen-O so she can take dictation while I take a look around. She types fast, so at least she serves SOME useful function. Handing it over now.
**BEGIN FASTKEYS TRANSCRIPTION MODE: CONFIGURATION GWEN-O/PREFS/32.3ff**
You taking this down, Gwen-O? Yeah. No. No, don’t type that. Just type what I’m saying now. No, now. Damn you, just type.
All right, Jed-Y. Now I’m wandering around the facility trying to figure out what these Troubleshooters got up to while they were so busy not fixing my lights.
So. I’m the only one here right now. Just our scrubots on their nightly rounds. Except they’re not really cleaning anything, just bumping into walls. Not designed for low-light operation. Not this model, anyway.
Lots of little messes around. Stains. Ick. I wonder if this bath soap would— This? Got it at the spa gift shop. It’s a six-pack of SoapyTime Bath Bombs in Lovely Lavender. Yeah, well, too bad, it’s for Jed-Y. Of course he’ll like it, why wouldn’t he? Wait, are you typing that? Don’t type that.
All right, I’m checking the utility cabinet now which contains the access panel for our lighting system. Hmm. Well, somebody’s been in here. There’s a half-dozen broken screwdrivers on the floor. Snapped in half, bent, stripped. And, for good measure, one of them has been jammed into the wall, in what appears to be a violent act of frustration. Oh, look—there’s a skull-shaped dent in the wall next to it.
So much for the utility cabinet. Checking the break room now. Ah. While one Troubleshooter failed to even access the lighting system, seems another Troubleshooter helped himself to snacks from the YELLOW-Clearance Executive Snack Cupboard. And didn’t bother cleaning up after. Treasonous AND rude.
Let’s check out the Copy Room. Oh no. Oh, no no no no no no no. This is a disaster. Some traitor put his dirty hands on my Copytronics X444 Mass Duplication System! What did they do to you, you poor thing?
I need to run an emergency diagnostic. Well? That means I need my PDC, all right?
**begin input**
COPYTRONICS X444 DIAGNOSTIC MODE INITIATED...
PAPER JAM IN SPOOL MECHANISM 2
PAPER JAM IN SPOOL MECHANISM 3
PAPER FEED TRAY 5 EMPTY
PAPER FEED TRAY 6 EMPTY
TONER RESERVOIR @ 00.0% CAPACITY
THANKS FOR CHOOSING COPYTRONICS!
END DIAGNOSTIC
**end input**
Okay, start typing again.
So. Some malfeasant traitor rode my innocent X444 hard and put it away jammed. I can’t comprehend it—not a drop of toner left in a 50-liter reservoir I filled just last week. How does that happen? The number of copies you’d have to make to drain the -
Hold on, I see something jammed inside spool 3. Just got to reach up in there and— Oww, stupid sharp metal pointy thing. All right, all right, I got it. Okay, scan this.
**begin document scan**
ProletariTRONs
of ALL sect0rs
INTERFASE!
U haVe n0thing 2 Loose
but Your 00111001000
100011101011010
1010101010!!!
**end document scan**
Um. I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be Communist propaganda? Or the ravings of some bot-hugging loony?
Wonderful. Last thing Alpha Complex needs is a fringe society of Commie bot-lovers. Especially on Troubleshooter teams who use my innocent copy machine to spread treasonous propaganda.
Ugh, now I got a headache. And oh, look, someone swiped the meds from my desk. Wonder who that could have been. Give me my PDC.
**FASTKEYS TRANSCRIPTION MODE: OFF**
Have to follow up on this later, Jed-Y. Excuse me while I put a few more skull-shaped dents in the wall.
Burl-Y
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FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Action Request #2?
Hi Jed-Y,
Sorry for my tone in that last message. Not your fault I got assigned a substandard Troubleshooter team. These things happen. And I appreciate your advice: Next time I will personally supervise my assigned Troubleshooters. RED-Clearance personnel should never be allowed to operate without adult supervision.
You’d think I would have learned that lesson back when we were RED. I remember our shenanigans as file clerks. I’m sure you recall the paper ball fights, that rubber band hammock you snuck into the backroom, that jerk of an ORANGE supervisor who got reprimanded when we accused him of sleeping in that hammock during shifts. Fun times.
But some of us had to grow up and take on some real responsibility around here. I suppose ever since The Computer saw fit to promote me to YELLOW Clearance, I’ve been blissfully isolated from the sort of nonsense RED personnel get up to when nobody’s looking. Supervision, that’s the key. In the words of the famous Old Reckoning orator Renault Reagone: “Trustbot, verify!” But I don’t own a trustbot, so next time I’ll do the verification myself.
Speaking of next time, I guess I’m asking you for a favor, again. Please put another Troubleshooter Action Request into the system. The lighting outages are starting to affect office productivity, and I simply can’t have that. Part of our mission statement is, “At DataBasix, Productivity is the Product we Produce.” And as a member of the subcommittee that drafted sections of that statement, I’m fully committed to maximizing productivity. Studies show a fully illuminated office is more productive than one that, you know, isn’t. I NEED TO GET THESE LIGHTS BACK ON. Having Gwen-O follow me around the office all day with a flashlight is really cramping my style.
Again, make this happen and I’ll owe you one!
Burl-Y
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FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Action Request #2 in progress!
Hi Jed-Y,
Things are certainly looking up over here!
Troubleshooters arrived as scheduled, at the crack of 08:00. I briefed them on the lighting malfunction and showed them the circuit that Tech Services guy said they’d need for the repair. But the Team Leader, a sturdy-looking guy called Mario-R, informed me this circuit was “totally last-gen” technology. He had a shiny new circuit—obtained directly, I’m told, from R&D’s Illumination Research Directorate! This circuit will fully restore our lighting system, while consuming only half the power of our old circuitry. They’re putting it in right now. This is excellent, not only because DataBasix is fully committed to energy conservation, but also because it means I can go back to the PLC Components Depository and trade in the old circuit. Maybe I can exchange it for something fun! I’ve had my eye on some plush new chairs for our conference room.
Thanks again for the help,
Burl-Y
—————
FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Action Request #2 follow up
Hi Jed-Y,
So, you remember that next-gen circuitry I was telling you about? It’s a D90x-002a. The Troubleshooters installed it yesterday afternoon. I supervised. When they were done, I hit the switch. Lights came on. Handshakes and congratulations all around!
Everything looked fine. In fact, the lights seemed a little brighter than I’d remembered. Didn’t think anything of it.
Came back to the office this morning, turned on the lights and suddenly—SEARING EYE PAIN! followed by several hours of blotchy floating spots everywhere. Suffice to say, this circuit was generating a level of illumination inappropriate for an office environment. For a stadium, or an IntSec interrogation room. But not an office.
Oh, and once I turned them on, I couldn’t turn them off. So that was bad too.
; On the (please forgive me) bright side, the circuit was now sucking so much power out of the grid, it drew the attention of Power Services. Turns out those people don’t have much sense of humor. Got a terse PDC call from a Power Allocation Analyst called Leona-G-UUF who wanted to know “what unlicensed and potentially illicit device I was using to siphon power from the network.” I tried to explain it was a technical glitch and DataBasix is fully committed to energy conservation, but she broke the call while I was talking. Minutes later, four YELLOW Power Services engineers landed on top of the office roof in a custom service flybot. They literally BLASTED OPEN the roof access hatch, and without so much as a “Greetings, citizen,” stomped in to the utility cabinet, where in under a minute they summarily disconnected and dismantled the D90x-002a. Leaving me in the dark. Again.
As they were marching back to their flybot, I asked the engineers if, perhaps, while they happened to be in the building, they might take a moment to replace the thingy they had removed with another thingy that drew appropriate power from the grid and provided appropriate illumination to the office.
They declined, informing me this was a matter for Technical Services.
Burl-Y
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FROM: Burl-Y-UUF-1@mailserv.databasix.cpu.uuf
TO: Jed-Y-UUF-3@mailserv.filing.cpu.uuf
SUBJECT: Action Request #3
Hi Jed-Y,
Not really sure what to say. I guess I should thank you for assigning us another team. Again.
Five strapping young Troubleshooters arrived this morning, as scheduled. At the time, I was stuck in our weekly staff meeting, which had run late (as it has every single week, for as long as anyone can remember). I had Gwen-O show the Troubleshooters to a conference room where I could brief them for their assignment. Really REALLY didn’t think it would be too problematic asking these guys to sit and wait for a few minutes in a dark room. I promise you they weren’t alone in there longer than 10 minutes. 15, max. And I still don’t know what happened, because someone apparently tampered with our IntSec-monitored surveillance cameras. I found one Troubleshooter hiding under the table, while the rest of the team were smoldering in their chairs. I don’t mean “angry,” I mean “melting the upholstery off our nice new conference room chairs.” Which now have to be replaced, thank you very much.