Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  My prior irritation reappeared. "Nothing." My one-word answer came out hard.

  "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I didn't miss his exasperated exhale.

  "Talk." I stepped back trying to create room for me to breathe. Todd was a presence to behold, and having him this close… my anger, my frustration, and my need all ran together. I couldn't make heads or tails out of my feelings when he consumed the space around me so absolutely. It made me crazy that one minute I hated him, and then the next; I wanted him to like me. What the hell was that about?

  "Let's talk in my office." He grabbed two beers from the beer fridge and motioned for me to follow him.

  "It's busy, Todd."

  "Jace and Tiff can handle the floor for a minute. Besides, it's dying down." He gave me a small grin that made me feel nervous all over again. I was about to point out the fact that Jace had gone to the back to get the stock Todd had requested, but Jace came through the back door right on time. "Come on, Red."

  Why was I hesitating? I wanted to talk to him, and I needed to see if I had a chance at this dream, at the promise I'd made my father before he died.

  "Fine." I puffed out a small, irritated burst of air.

  I followed Todd toward the back offices wringing my fingers together as I walked ahead of him through the door. I took a deep breath, letting my body rest against the side of his desk. He handed me one of the beers he'd brought back with us. I opened it and drank deeply from the bottle, hoping the alcohol could ease away my tension.

  "Whoa. Slow down, Red, you still have about an hour or so left in your shift." Todd's chuckle was infectious. He was actually fun to be around when he wasn't trying so hard to piss me off.

  I refused to let him see that he affected me though. "What did you drag me back here for?" I placed the bottle of beer down onto the desk.

  "I think you know." It was his turn to take a large gulp of liquid courage. I didn't answer so he continued, "How long have you been singing, Lily?" Todd spoke kindly again, and my name uttered in that tenor made my heart skip a beat. The actual interest in his voice threw me for a loop. He was stirring up feelings I hadn't expected to feel, especially about him.

  "Ever since I can remember," I whispered. I couldn't bring my eyes to his. The memories of singing with my father flooded my mind making my chest feel heavy.

  "Your voice is…" He inhaled sharply, causing me to look up. He leaned in for a moment and I had to catch my breath. He placed his beer bottle down next to mine and then took a step back. His limitless brown eyes caught my gaze. "…it's so fucking pure and real, Lily. I've never heard anything that could stop me in my tracks like you did tonight. Your voice… I could listen to it all damn day." He took a small step toward me again. I was speechless, his words were breaking me wide open, and it was everything I needed to hear. I could do this.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Todd

  LILY'S EYES WERE SEA GREEN IN the dim light of my office. I had never wanted to kiss a girl more than I did now. She appeared so vulnerable, and the idea that she needed me had me thinking stupid things. Things like what it would be like for her to pick me. What her lips would taste like. I wanted to know how her full bottom lip felt being pulled gently through my teeth. My regard was making her nervous, and she bit into that sexy as hell lip; I almost let the overwhelming lust win.

  "You really think that?" she spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear her. Her voice sounded thick like she was about to cry. I cursed under my breath. Her insecurity wrecked me. She needed to know how unbelievable she was.

  "Yes. I do. You're amazing." I wasn't sure I was talking about her voice anymore.

  She broke from my stare only to look at my mouth. Lily's breathing expanded, and I loved watching her chest rise and fall. I loved watching how my physical presence shook up her world as much as she was shaking up mine. I took the last possible step. Our bodies almost touching, she was forced to sit back on my desk. A light gasp blew from her pink lips making the atmosphere between us feel substantial. The slight exhale of desire that escaped her lips was the game changer.

  I parted her legs with my knee; my hands found purchase on her upper thighs. I pulled her lean legs farther apart, roughly bringing her body flush with mine. There was no hesitation, and, with a quick surprised breath, she opened up to me like I was everything she wanted. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I wasn't going to stop. Lily's eyes locked with mine as I trailed my hands around her hips and up her arms. She draped her arms around my waist giving me permission. I didn't waver. I took her face in my hands and brought my lips just barely to hers. The slight blue hue of her eyes glittered giving me that last bit of encouragement.

  Lily's mouth was just as perfect as I thought it would be. Her sexy as fuck, soft lips enveloped mine, and I was gone. I lightly nipped her bottom lip with my teeth, and she moaned. That fucking moan pushed me past the wall of restraint. My hands slid under her ass, and I lifted her body. She complied by wrapping her legs around my waist, her arms linked behind my neck. I turned so I was now sitting on the desk. Lily deepened our kiss giving me full access to her sweet taste. The flavor of berries, beer and something just Lily invaded my senses as her tongue licked my bottom lip. I let out a small groan and lifted my hips to her. My hard arousal met that sweet spot, and I almost lost it. I moved her hips against mine again, and she whimpered.

  "Lily," I growled and moved my lips to her jaw. She tilted her head to the side letting my kiss trail down her neck, allowing me to gently bite at the exposed flesh. I brought my mouth back to hers and devoured her small whispered moans. She had me untied. I had no clue where this was going. I didn't know what was happening, but this chick was consuming me, lighting me on fire, and burning down every solid wall I had ever built. I couldn't want something this bad; I couldn't have another person tear down my world.

  Lily's chest was flushed as I pulled away from her lips. My dick twitched against her as I watched her breathing slow. My thumbs traced lazy circles on her cheeks. Her incredible eyes bore into mine, and I knew that look of regret too well. I'd seen it so many times with Liz. Lily was seeing me for what I really was. I had nothing more to give than this. Sure, I could turn her over and fuck her across my desk, watch her body fall apart at my touch, have her sweet scent on my tongue, bury myself in that divine body, not knowing where she started and I ended. I could love every damn second of her, every piece of her. But Lily wasn't like that. She was more than that, and in this moment she saw me for what I was, someone not worth loving… someone not worth keeping.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Lily

  I TRIED DESPERATELY TO QUIET MY breathing. Desire had Todd's usually dark brown eyes burning with an amber flame. He had set me ablaze as well. It was silent, and the electricity between us licked and snapped as we tried to come down off the high of each other. I had never experienced a first kiss like that. The feeling of disappointment washed over me in quick waves when he pulled away. I wanted to lean in and continue where we left off. My brain was trying to tell me to back off; guys like Todd only brought pain and heartbreak to the table. But something inside of me knew better. No man with that much passion could be all bad. I decided to listen to that quiet small voice. I wanted whatever he had to offer. I had a feeling I might regret that decision later, but I was willing to take the chance.

  "Todd…" My voice sounded pale in the deep silence. "…I'm not—"

  "I know," he interrupted. Darkness invaded his eyes, cooling the spark, making me feel awkward. I slowly moved my body from his, immediately I missed his warmth. My feet touched the ground, and I felt unsteady on my legs. Todd's fresh soapy and cedar scent clung to my skin. I had to gather my wits.

  "You know what?" I cringed at how worried my voice sounded.

  "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have kissed you." His tone was biting. He stood from the desk abruptly. I felt cold and stupid. I wasn't that girl — I'd never been that girl. I wanted to smack myself. I've known the guy for maybe two days, an
d for most of it, I thought he was a complete bastard. Way to go, Lily! I mentally berated myself. I hated my overly heated hormones right now and more than anything, I hated how easily I let him in.

  "A mistake." I nodded my head, still too pissed at myself.

  Todd's bitter laugh brought me out of my internal self-scolding. "I knew it," he mumbled angrily. He picked up his beer and swallowed the remaining brew in one gulp. I took a pace backward from where he was standing, his change of mood again spiraling me out of control.

  "You knew what, Todd?" My eyebrows pulled inward with irritation. I crossed my arms, suddenly bracing myself for the inevitable pain that Todd was about to dish out.

  He had an annoyed smug grin as he spoke. "That you would regret it. That it was a mistake to kiss you. You're just like the rest of them." I felt his hateful glare appraise me.

  "The rest of them? What are you talking about?" I was no longer able to confine my fury. My voice rose, and the heat in my chest poured down my body. I balled my fists in frustration.

  He slightly shook his head. "I'm fucking tired of it, Lily. I don't need another whore."

  My tight fist met his jaw before I even knew what was happening. "How dare you! I'm not a whore!" I rubbed my knuckles — the ache from my bones connecting with his face quickly seeped through my hand. It wasn't just physical pain that had my tears spilling down my cheeks. "Shit! That hurt." I hadn't cried in front of another person in so long. Todd was too busy working his fingers across his shocked face to notice my tears.

  My quiet sniff brought his attention back to me, and I watched as his face fell, the mask totally absent.

  "Shit, Lily… I'm sorry. I deserved that. I shouldn't have said those things. Are you okay?" He assessed my injured hand with his dark chocolate eyes. The sound of his voice was soothing, and I hated that I felt that way. He moved toward me, and I stumbled backward.

  "Don't." I needed to get out of this office. I wiped the salty water away from my cheeks roughly as I turned to leave. My fingers had just touched the door handle when I felt Todd's intense grip on my upper arm.

  "Damn it, Lily. Wait, okay. I screwed up. I got into my head, and I assumed…" His chin tilted down with obvious shame. His glance held steady to the floor.

  "You assumed what?" I asked curtly.

  "That you regretted kissing me. When I pulled away from you, I felt confused. I messed up. I don't really know you, but you have me all mixed up. I can't help that. I haven't felt anything for so long, and, when I kissed you, the numbness started to fade. It scared the fuck out of me." Todd's words penetrated through my anger. He thought I had regretted it. He pulled me toward him, and I let him. He brought his hands to my face and slanted my head up so I had no other choice but to meet his gaze. I wound my hands around his wrists, not in protest, but because I needed to touch him, to feel him. He was such an idiot. I could have never regretted that kiss. I didn't know a soul on this planet that would have regretted that kiss.

  "You shouldn't assume, Todd." I let my eyes drink in his honest features. With the façade gone, he looked so dangerously beautiful. The pad of his right thumb wiped away my remaining tears.

  "I'm sorry I made you cry, for making you feel anything less than extraordinary. I'm an asshole." He leaned down and kissed my forehead making my pulse shudder. "But that's the thing, Lily, I'm fucked up. So in the end, this was a mistake. I'm your boss. I hardly know you, but I know I'm not the guy you need to waste one more minute on." He dropped his hands from my face and stepped back. I brought the heel of my hand to my chest and pressed down trying to relieve the pressure.

  "I don't remember asking your permission, Todd. You can't dictate what I want."

  "Lily." It sounded as if he was scolding a child.

  "Forget it. You're probably right." I schooled my features and gave him a small fake smile. He was right though. I hardly knew him. I couldn't let one little kiss ruin my plan, my goals. I took a deep breath as I lied to myself. I wasn't fooling anyone — that kiss was more than just a kiss. It was so much more.

  "You'll find that I'm usually always right." Todd's lips spread into a brilliant smile, and my mood mirrored his. Without my consent, my smile brightened.

  "Friends?" I asked.

  Todd's expression dimmed at the word 'friends.' It was unnerving to watch the veneer slip back in place.

  "Friends." The smile on his face no longer reached his eyes. "We should head back out there. They're probably cursing our names." His laugh was light and absolutely fake.

  I couldn't help but feel weighted down as he walked past me and opened the door. I saw Todd for what he was. He was passionate, angry, and in pain. You'd have to be a moron to not see the wounds he was trying so desperately to hide. Regardless, I liked how he made me feel. He knew how to push all my buttons. He brought me up, tore me down, and moved me sideways with that kiss and with his words.

  "Friends." I had to find a way to be all right with that word. Because I had a plan… I had a promise to keep, and I had to do what I came here for. The air filled my lungs and poured leisurely from my lips. I relished in that small calm moment. My focus was all I had left, because my dignity was still sitting on that desk making out with the boss.

  "You coming, Red?" Todd's dimpled smile was inviting.

  "Yeah."

  Friends.

  THE REST OF THE NIGHT went by fast. It was officially closing time, and you would think I would be excited to get the hell out of here, but the night's earlier events had me all knotted up. Todd spent the rest of the shift talking to some slutty looking bottle blonde. She was silicone city, and she was eating up every little charming laugh and wink Todd delivered. It made me sick. I was starting to think "friends" wasn't even an option until I heard what Todd was saying to Jace about the girl. I was subtly eavesdropping on the conversation as I wiped down the barstools. Tiff's closing time song choice played lightly so I was still able to hear.

  "You going to hit that shit? She was all over you." Jace picked up the crate of bottled beer and started loading the fridge. Todd squinted his eyes, shooting daggers in Jace's direction.

  "Don't you ever get sick of that shit, Jace?" Todd bunched the rag he held in his hand and threw it in the sink. "I'm so tired of it."

  "You would be, bro, you've basically screwed the majority of the greater Salt Lake area." Jace's laugh had the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. Was Todd a player? God, I really had no idea who he was. I bit my lip as I internally scolded myself.

  I was so busy having a private panic attack over my immature reaction to Todd earlier, that I hadn't noticed he was watching me. Todd's russet eyes had my heart fluttering, making me hate myself even more for allowing him to get me so tangled. I had pride in the fact that most guys couldn't rattle me. Confusion settled in my gut as he trapped me in his hard gaze. I had no idea what he wanted from me. I watched his fantastically sculpted arms tense and the muscle in his jaw tick. I looked away feeling self-conscious at the warmth and color that flooded my cheeks.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Todd

  THAT FUCKING BLUSH WAS GOING TO destroy me. I've never been this physically attracted to another girl in my entire damn life, not even with Elizabeth. I pulled my eyes away from her in effort to calm the overwhelming need to drag her to my office and just end this now. Jace's self-righteous laughter drew me out of my thoughts.

  "Go fuck yourself, man. Like you have any room to talk," I said with irritation at his judgment. Jace was probably a bigger whore than I was. He just hid it. Whereas I — I put that shit right out on display. What was the purpose of hiding it? All those things will come and bite you in the ass eventually.

  The hot blonde was lingering by the door. She was waiting for me to bite at the bait she was waving under my nose all night, but I wasn't sure I wanted what she was offering. I was over it. I closed my eyes; Lily's kiss was on repeat in my head, her damn pink lips that tasted like berries. I hadn't ever tasted anything so sweet.

  "Hey,
that chick won't leave, and we got to lock up." Jace clipped me on the shoulder with his fist. "You sending her packing or what?"

  This night was so confusing, and I wasn't sure what to do with all this excessive tension. Part of me wanted to send this chick on her way. I didn't need this shit anymore, but the other half — the half that saw shame in Lily's eyes no matter what she said — that part of me knew better. Still water runs deep, and deep down I was empty. Empty like an abyss. Void of anything permanent. I wasn't worth the commitment. Why should I offer anything more when all of me is never good enough?

  "I got this." I smiled up at the blonde and walked to the front door. Fuck it.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Lily

  ALL THAT WAS RUNNING THROUGH MY mind on my way home from work was the sight of Todd's back as he left the bar with the skanky blonde. She was so obviously desperate for his attention, it was sad. I watched as she touched his arm, laughed at his jokes, ran her fingers through his hair. A few hours earlier I'd been doing the same thing, and my easy behavior was making me angry. The thing that was pissing me off more than anything was that he chose her over me. I hated myself for caring. I was mad that he'd go home with her, share his bed with her, but not with me. It was disgusting how I was letting all my insecurities boil to the surface. Self-doubt started to pull me under as I turned into my driveway. All the dumb girl questions started flowing like a sieve. Did he not like how I kissed? Was my body not good enough for him? Did he think I was too inexperienced?

  My internal monologue was absolutely ridiculous. Todd was a player; I didn't need a guy like him in my life. I would go to work, do my job, sing for Frank, and get the deal I needed to make my album. I quietly walked down the stairs to my basement apartment. My feet were killing me, and all I wanted was a hot shower. There was no way that was going to happen. Eve would have a damn come apart if I woke Christopher. Instead, I got in my worn sleep pants and my dad's gray band T-shirt. Once my head hit the pillow, I couldn't hold back the tears. What the hell was wrong with me that I would be so drawn to this guy who was so obviously and completely emotionally unavailable?