Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  My chest constricted. He was right. I let him attempt to fill the void in my chest by letting him pour his anger inside of me. I let him use me, "like a whore."

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Todd

  EMPTINESS WAS THE ONLY EMOTION I felt when I slowly pulled away from our connection, from her. I walked silently to the trashcan to dispose of the condom, too terrified to look Lily in the face. I meant what I said. I never wanted Lily to be just another notch on my bedpost. I didn't really know what I wanted, but this — this was not what I wanted for us. For her or anyone, anymore.

  I needed a minute. I wasn't ready to face her, but I was standing in my kitchen buck ass naked. Figuring Seth could have come home at any minute, I decided I probably should pull my shit together. The walk from my kitchen back to her shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but how else was I supposed to feel when I found her halfway out my front door… leaving?

  "What the fuck, Lily?" I couldn't mask the pain in my voice as I watched her trying to sneak out, and it pissed me off. I snatched my jeans and boxer briefs off the floor and swiftly pulled them on, not really giving a shit about much else except stopping her from leaving. We needed to deal with this. "Where the hell are you going?"

  She shut the front door, stepping back into the house, but she wouldn't turn to look at me.

  "I drove you here, remember? You walking home? I think not, sweetheart." I was doubtful.

  "Don't… do not call me that. I feel cheap enough as it is." Her head bowed down, and I felt ill, the taste of pennies coated my tongue.

  "Lily… listen…" I took three large steps tearing up the distance between us. Yeah, I was so pissed right now — at myself, at her, at this whole damn messed up situation — but this distance between us was building, and I couldn't fucking breathe. It was too heavy, and there was nothing I could do to stop the weight of it from crushing me. My hands rested on the back of her shoulders. "Please, look at me. I need you to hear me."

  Eyes filled with tears met mine, the salty water making the yellow color of her calico irises stand out and shimmer. I inhaled sharply; the sight of her took my breath away. Lily's face was still flushed from our encounter, her copper hair was everywhere, and her tropical scent pulled me in. She didn't resist as I enclosed my arms around her and pulled her to my bare chest. What the hell was happening to me? The overwhelming sickness in my gut twisted even more once I felt her tears start to pour down my heated skin. She silently cried, and I knew then I was the biggest goddamn loser that ever walked this earth.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Lily

  TEARS KEPT COMING. I COULDN'T STOP them, and I refused to let him hear me sob. I couldn't show him how this whole night destroyed me, how it took a small chunk of my heart and ripped it into tiny pieces. I hadn't any idea as to why this should have affected me so powerfully. I wasn't in love with Todd. This wasn't some silly insta-love crap I read about in books. This was lust, an irresistible pull that I had no control over. I just kept focusing on the words he'd said like they were a train in my head. My tears fell against his warm skin intensifying that soapy cedar smell that was purely Todd, making it that much harder to pull away.

  "Lily, I'm sorry, we shouldn't have—"

  I couldn't hear him say it. It would cause the dam of shame to shatter, and I wasn't ready for him to see me break completely. The past few months of my life had been gradually chipping away at the surface of my hard shell. I blamed myself for everything — for my cheating ex, my school issues, my father's death. If I hadn't said I hated him, if I hadn't blamed him for losing my stupid music scholarship, maybe he would still be alive. This thing with Todd had the potential to be that final hit on the proverbial nail.

  "Stop it, I can't… I just don't want to hear it," I spoke as I pushed hard away from his chest.

  "You need to hear what I have to say—"

  "Please just stop, I said—"

  "Goddamnit, Lily! Just fucking listen…" Todd's voice shook, his face was pale and his eyes were hard. "Please," he said in a much softer tone. My heart was racing and trying to beat its way out of my chest. "What just happened… that was completely messed up. But I don't regret it in the way you think I do. I regret the how of it all. I should have taken my time, memorizing every inch and curve of your body. I should have tasted every piece of you, savored your sweet fucking scent, let it cover my lips. Damn it, Lily, you're flawless, and I treated you like some cheap lay. You're more than that."

  My world entirely tilted on its axis — his words were scorching across my flesh, turning every bit of fear, every insecure thought, all my doubt, into ashes. My chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace as he framed my face between his palms.

  "See, the thing is… I'm sort of out of my league with you. Hell, I've known you less than a week, and you've totally jacked up my game." He smirked down at me. "I like you, Lily… and I'm afraid what happened tonight, just ruined any damn chance I had with you." His rough thumbs caressed my cheeks, lightly wiping away my leftover tears.

  I wasn't sure a relationship that started like ours could every really work, but I had been lying to myself. There was no way I just wanted one night, and the minute I felt shame for what I'd chosen to do, was the minute I realized he was more than that to me as well.

  "I like you too, Todd… but I don't regret what happened tonight. I can't. I wanted you… I want you, and I can't feel bad about that."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah." My lips pulled into a small smile. I took a deep breath as he leaned toward me, my lips parted, eager to taste him again. Todd's lips were indulgent. This kiss was a whisper, it was like kindling on a fire that was about to burn hot and light up the night's sky with bright oranges and reds. Todd's mouth felt like heaven against mine, our lips moved with languid precision as he pulled us into alignment. Two pieces of a puzzle, snapping into place, the sweet kiss lasted for just a moment, but it was exactly what we needed.

  He drew away just enough that I could feel him smile against my lips. "God, Lily, I don't think I could ever get sick of that." Todd was smiling that rare boy-next-door, two-dimpled smirk, and the rest of my apprehension faded.

  "Mmm… I should hope not." My hands rested against the surface of his chest. Todd's complete upper body was covered with tattoos. It was one big mural; his right side was covered in vibrant colors — drawings of flowers, animals of all sorts, and the ocean and the sun were all intertwined with a huge colorful tribal. Whereas, on the left side, he was covered in skulls, dying flowers, creatures, wraiths, and a quote that I couldn't really decipher at the angle I was in. These 'dark' images were entangled within a scrolling labyrinth of knotted tree limbs. The light and the dark met naturally in the center of his chest. The contradicting images blended together creating the most unbelievable piece of walking art I'd ever seen.

  "This is so incredible," I said, as my eyes combed across the surface of his sculpted chest and stomach. "What does that say?" I moved away enough to read the script across his rib cage. I watched his skin erupt into small goose bumps under the touch of my fingertips as I traced the lettering.

  Todd recited the words, "'Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.' It's from —"

  "Edgar Alan Poe. I know. Todd this is—"

  "Sad," he interrupted, capturing my gaze with his bottomless eyes.

  "No, I was going to say beautiful." Todd had been cut wide open by something, someone. Elizabeth really must have done a number on him. "She really hurt you, didn't she?" Todd's easy posture turned rigid.

  "I think tonight has been a shit show enough without dredging up all that. Yeah?" Todd's expression begged me to drop it, so I did. The two of us had had enough drama for one evening, besides it was late, and I needed to get home.

  "Right." I reached up on my tiptoes and placed a small kiss on his lips. Todd's warm, strong arms encapsulated me again, pulling me in for one last deep kiss
. I don't think I'd ever get used to how absolutely crazy his mouth, his lips, and that sexy as hell thing he did with his tongue made me feel. The sensation of his teeth dragging against my bottom lip caused me to moan, sending heat through my entire body centering between my legs. He was addictive.

  "Stay," he whispered against my neck. "Let me show you what you're worth." The mix of adrenaline and his words and taste were clouding my judgment. I almost said yes. God, I wanted to say yes, but I had to step on the breaks if we ever wanted to get past today.

  I leaned my forehead against his chest and inhaled, committing his smell to memory, wanting to take every piece of him home with me tonight. I wanted to be bathed in all that he was, and I found the courage to say the words I had to say. "I want to, but I think we'd better call it a night, boss." I stepped back and locked my eyes with his as I gave him a flirty smirk.

  He chuckled. "I'm glad one of us is thinking with their brain."

  My shoulders bobbed with laughter. "Take me home, idiot." I shook my head playfully as I swatted his arm. "You might want to put a shirt on."

  "What, you can't handle all this hotness?" He quirked his eyebrow.

  I giggled. "Oh my hell, get dressed and take me home before I change my mind about you."

  THE MUSIC PLAYED QUIETLY as we turned onto the street where my sister lived. The night's events started running through my brain, and I began to feel uneasy. I absentmindedly spun my father's ring around the silver necklace as I wondered whether or not this thing with Todd was really going to happen. I wanted it to; I wanted him more than I thought possible. The butterflies in my stomach were flying full speed as we pulled into the driveway.

  "You're always playing with that. Nervous habit?" He nodded his head toward my hands as I fiddled with the large silver ring. Todd's easy smile was a balm to my nerves; the deep tone of his voice soothed me for some reason.

  "Yeah, you could say that." I looked down at my lap.

  "Don't be nervous… okay?" He reached across the center console and placed his palm against my cheek, and I leaned into the touch. "I think… we're good, yeah?"

  "Yes." I smiled. Todd's dimples popped as he smiled back.

  "Good. Whose ring is that anyways?"

  I tried not to let my face fall; this moment between us was nice, but I couldn't help it. I missed my father so much. "Shit, babe, what did I say?" Todd frowned as worry creased his brows.

  "It was my father's. I just miss him." It's my fault he's dead.

  "I can't even imagine what that would be like, losing a parent. I sometimes wish I could die before anyone in my family does. Is that weird?" He looked at me with serious dark eyes. The thought of losing Todd, or anyone for that matter again, had pressure building in my chest. I had to inhale deeply to release the building anxiety. Chill Lily.

  I shook my head. "Not weird, no. Morbid maybe." An awkward giggle escaped my lips.

  "Hey, shit happens, you know? But life moves on, and you have to just keep floating." Todd gave my thigh a comforting squeeze with his broad palm. "Well, that's what my mom always says."

  "She sounds like a smart lady." He took my hand in his and entwined our fingers, the small gesture completely filling the moment. Just an hour ago we were linked in the most intimate way possible, but him here, holding my hand, felt more real, and I have never had real before.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Todd

  LILY RAISED OUR JOINED HANDS AND brushed her lips across my knuckles, her mouth was like satin against my coarse skin, and it felt fucking outstanding. I was starting to feel something again, and I wasn't sure if I should be scared or just run with it. I decided then that I had nothing left to lose. I've failed miserably at being happy, at being anything more than just okay. I needed to jump off the platform, find my groove. I felt as if I was back at a swim meet, waiting for the blow of the whistle, for the water to run through my fingers as I pushed myself fast through the impossible current created by those around me swimming also. I could do this. I wanted this win. I needed this win.

  "You have tomorrow off?" I asked.

  "Yes." Lily's eyes met mine. It was time to say goodbye, but it was like we were stupid teenagers on a first date and neither one of us wanted to be the first to say goodbye.

  "See you Tuesday." I leaned across the car again, and she met me in the middle. I searched her face, memorizing the four freckles on her nose, the slightly bigger freckle that sat right in that small divot above her upper lip, and the divine mix of colors that shone bright from her happy eyes before I brought my lips to hers one last time tonight. Her kisses felt infinite. She pulled back, and her smile hit me straight in the chest. Oh yeah, I wanted this win real fucking bad.

  LILY LOOKED SO DAMN sexy tonight; her sweater was low cut, and the dark green color made her wild red hair stand out more. She had her hair down, the curls were everywhere, and I loved it. My eyes never left her as I finished setting up the equipment for tonight's show. The bar was packed, it usually was when we played, but tonight it annoyed the shit out of me. I hadn't had a second to talk to Lily. I wanted to know what she was going to sing tonight, and more than anything, I wanted to know how she was feeling about us. Us… shit! She had me all jacked up, there was no 'us,' but if I had a say in anything there sure as hell would be soon enough. She glanced up at me; her porcelain cheeks turned pink and caused me to break out into a lopsided grin.

  "Bro, what the hell, man? Are we gonna play or stand here like idiots?" Graden was such an asshole sometimes. He always put me in a pissed off mood.

  "Yeah, working on it. You got your shit ready?" I said between gritted teeth. Graden was an amazing guitar player, but if I was honest, I hated his ass. Seth and Graden got into some shit awhile back, not sure what about, probably some piece of ass, but since then he's had the biggest chip on his damn shoulder. One of these days I was going to knock him out if he didn't chill his attitude. "Ready." I tested the microphone by tapping it three times with my finger.

  The overhead music turned off. "What's up, motherfuckers? We are the Lakeside Prophets…" I looked behind me and nodded my chin at Seth — his face broke wide with a smile. He loved this shit. The beat of the drum started while Jack plucked away at his bass. Graden's guitar started the high keen of feedback from the amp. It was a perfect synchronization of sound, all that was needed was a rhythm and words, and — that's where I came in. "…let's do this."

  Once I started singing it was like I lost time. I spent most of my time trying to be numb, but when I was up here playing my heart out, singing the lyrics that I'd written, it was like an out-of-body experience. I've spent the majority of my life hiding behind a giant wall, but once I started writing music and singing, I could say how I truly felt but said in a way that kept me safe. To everyone else they were just words, but to me… well, they were everything. Tonight I wanted to try and show Lily that I could feel, that there was more to who I was, and that I wasn't just some douchebag who would eventually screw her over.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Lily

  I WAS IN COMPLETE AWE.

  My words escaped me as I heard Todd's rough voice pull through the speakers, his tenor created a blanket of heat that covered my entire body. I'd never heard such an incredibly sexy voice in my entire existence. At first I thought maybe I was being silly, but as the emotion of each lyric hit me like a freight train, I was overcome with admiration. I was grateful the customers were all watching the show, so I could as well. Jace and Tiffany were busy arguing about something as I leaned against the back of the bar. I couldn't be bothered; all I wanted to do was watch Todd as he sang with his eyes shut, brows furrowed, and heart on his sleeve. My pulse beat heavy behind my chest, the bass of the song was deep, and the lyrics were so sad that I couldn't help the tears that started to well up. Todd's eyes opened just as he started to sing what I assumed was the chorus.

  Who are you to bring me here?

  Who are you to ask me to stay?

  Why can't you see it's
killing us,

  Loving you this way.

  These words, they were his past, and his past was crashing over the wall he had so firmly placed around him. His intense voice trapped me in place. Part of me wanted to stay here and listen to it all, listen to his heartache… But this was too much, he was too much, and everything that was happening between us was all too soon. He was turning me inside out.

  Just as I was gathering the courage to leave, the song came to a close and the crowd exploded into praise. Todd smiled bigger than I'd ever seen him smile, his deep dimples making him look five years younger. I reached up and started to twirl my father's ring in-between my fingers. I hadn't even noticed my hands had started trembling until now. This man was bringing me to my knees, and I felt helpless to stop it.

  "We thought we'd mix this shit up a bit and play a cover. You guys game?" Todd spoke with a smile in his voice into the microphone. The audience went nuts. "I'll take that as a "yes" then…" He chuckled, and my stomach flipped. God, he was so good looking, it really wasn't fair. "…How do you feel about "Stay" 30 Seconds to Mars style, yeah?" The crowd hollered in acceptance again, and Todd threw his head back and laughed with such feeling it was impossible to look away. I was sure I would never know all the sides of this fractured man. Graden, at least I thought that was what Tiff said his name was, placed his guitar on the stand and sat down at the piano. The crowd fell silent as the familiar piano riff started to play.

  Todd's eyes locked with mine as the exquisitely gritty tone of his voice poured over me. It felt as if he was singing to me, his darkly intense gaze pulled me in. All I could think about was the other night, his mouth against mine, his hot hands pulling hard at my hips, how perfect my name sounded falling from his lips as he came. I ached for him, and without noticing it, I started to move toward the stage. I walked out from behind the bar as if I was stuck in slow motion; the music was loud and infused the air with tangible feeling. Before I knew it, I had abandoned Tiff and Jace behind the bar and was now standing directly in front of Todd. The large crowd of people swayed gently to the melodic song, but it felt as if it was just me and him. It was as if the universe was pushing me down this inevitable path. The path that lead me here, that lead me to finally hold true to my promise, to my dream, and apparently, this passionate, broken boy was going to ride along with me.