Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  "Lily… I realized something tonight." Todd shut the door behind us. "This life is so fucking short, and I'm so tired — tired of not doing the right thing. You're my right thing, and I don't want to waste one more minute trying to deny that." He cradled my face in his hands; he searched my eyes for just a half a second before he brought his lips together with mine. The way he took possession of me with that kiss, he devoured every last bit of my fear, anxiety, and mistrust. I felt lightheaded, my legs almost unable to stand, at the impact of his words and the feeling of his chest rising and falling under my palms. He had me thinking things I shouldn't. I didn't want to think the words I was thinking. The three little words that were begging to fall from my traitorous lips. The three words that would surely ruin everything.

  "Lily." He needed me, and I wanted to be needed. Todd's hands lifted my shirt over my head. The skin of his hands dusted down the curve of my hip. "Is this okay?"

  "Yes." I sought for more words, but all I could think to say was the one thing I couldn't.

  Our lips met again furiously. Our bodies were dying to be connected, screaming for each other, and my heart cried out to align with his, the feeling of it, the pressure building… it was intoxicating.

  We shed our clothes and our pain, both laying on the floor a forgotten thing of the past. The warmth of his solid body united with mine, and the sight of Todd so vulnerable… was beyond beautiful. I felt him press against me as I laid myself open for him. Skin to skin, no barriers this time.

  "Are we okay… to not use a…? I mean… are you—"

  My hands shook as I ran my fingers through his hair. I nodded and answered him with a whispered, "Yes." I knew what he was asking me. I wanted nothing more than to show him that I trusted him with all of me. I was falling in love with this man.

  He leaned down and kissed me passionately. My legs shuddered as I felt him slowly push into me — nothing separating us. It was him, just him, and I could hardly bear it. He was too much, all of this was so fast, so crazy, but I wanted every damn second of it. The rhythm was gradual. He pressed so fully into my body with each stroke that I couldn't understand how I'd gone so long without knowing this, knowing how it felt to be whole, to be so full of another person. I wasn't sure I would be able to tolerate the ache of his absence. He was a part of me now.

  "Sit up." The words were a gentle, quiet plea. He situated himself so that I was now bound around him absolutely. We were heart to heart, chest to chest, mouths together, linked and moving in a rhythm that was seamless.

  "Damn." His voice was strained as he thrust himself fully inside me. My body clasped around him with each pulse, our bodies slick with a slight sheen of perspiration. I was so close, but I wasn't ready yet. I wanted to savor every inch of him. He groaned, and I pushed against him, his strong hands grasped my hips, slowing my pace to his.

  "I need you to move slower. Feeling you like this… I don't ever want it to stop." Todd's eyes locked with mine. "I need to feel you come, baby, wrapped all the fuck around me."

  His fingers dug into the flesh of my hips, and his powerful arms pulled my body just the way I needed it to move. The force, the sweet assault, had my nails digging across his back as I cried out in pleasure. Todd's teeth nipped at my neck as his hands held me in place, the unrelenting pressure sent spasms through my body. I felt him still as the low rumble in his throat built. He released my hips just to pull me hard against him again, his lips crashed into mine, and my fingers twisted in his hair. His release was powerful, and his growl tore through the dark quiet. He swore as I rolled my hips against him, causing him to shiver. He gripped my hair at the nape, forcefully exposing my neck.

  The softness of his lips against my throat was the perfect contradiction to how rough he took me in that moment. Watching him lose control, how the muscles in his jaw ticked and how his eyes blazed… there was nothing like it. I rocked my body one last time, and he groaned loudly before he took my mouth to his.

  Our lips were lazy and our bodies drained as we kissed each other down off the edge.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Todd

  ELIZABETH'S RINGTONE BROKE THE EASY SILENCE of the early morning. Lily's flame-colored hair surrounded me, and the plush feel of her breasts lying against my naked chest, the way her body draped across mine… I never wanted to wake up again any other way. I reached easily to the bedside table to grab my phone quickly. I didn't want her to wake up just yet.

  "Hello." My voice was light.

  "He's awake. He woke up." Elizabeth's hopeful tone made me smile. Sawyer would never leave her, never. He was a fighter.

  "Really, baby girl? That's so great." I exhaled a large breath as the weight of the past twenty-four hours lifted. Lily shifted slightly, and I lowered my voice. "Is he doing okay?"

  "I think so. The doctors said they lowered his medication to see if he could wake on his own. He did. Oh my God, Todd, he was fighting that ventilator and everything. They just took him for another scan to see how much the swelling went down." Her voice broke, and I could tell she was trying to hold back tears. "The doctor said he was so lucky."

  "Luck had nothing to do with it. He's a tough son of a bitch," I whispered.

  "Why are you whispering?" Elizabeth asked in a whisper as well, making me laugh quietly.

  "Lily is still asleep."

  "Oh… oh. Well, I should… um," she stammered.

  "It's fine. We all stayed at your place. Cam and Colby have Sailor upstairs with them."

  "I know, I've spoken with them. They're on their way here. I don't think they knew you were there, Todd." She laughed. "But I should let you get some rest. Go be with your girl. But Todd…? Can you make it up here today? Soy's still in really bad shape, and I think having everyone here will help him. He needs his family." Lizzie's words were tight; she was still trying to keep it together.

  I ran my fingers through Lily's hair. She was still sleeping soundly. "Yeah, I'll be up to the hospital in a little while."

  "Talk to you soon. And Todd…?"

  "Yeah?" I asked.

  "Love you." It sounded as if the tears had won and were falling.

  "Love you too, baby girl." I ended the call and let my phone fall to the ground. Sawyer was awake. I took another huge breath, allowing the feeling of loss to evaporate with the exhale.

  I continued to watch Lily sleep. I let my fingertips run along the curve of her body — her silky skin was smooth under my touch. This girl was made for me, and I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking good it felt to have her come against me with nothing between us, how I had poured myself inside her. I'd never done that before, never been with a girl without protection. There was no barrier, and I couldn't help how goddamn amazing I felt right now. She let me in — let me mark her as mine. I sounded like a damn caveman, but it was surreal. I didn't think I'd ever want that, but I do.

  This chick was killing me slowly; I loved how different I felt with her. She made it so I never doubted myself. She lifted me up, and she made me feel like I was worth keeping. I was fucking falling in love with her. I shook my head and let that thought really sink in before I rolled my body just a bit so I could enclose my arms around her tiny frame. She was the first real thing I'd ever had. My relationship with Liz had been something completely different, and the other girls… well, they were just placeholders.

  THE WATER FROM THE shower had just run cold when I heard Lily open the door.

  "Sorry I slept so late," she muttered.

  "Don't worry about it, it was a long night." I opened the shower curtain and reveled in the blush that crept across Lily's cheeks. I regretted not waking her up with my mouth between her legs.

  "It was. Have you heard any news?"

  "Sawyer's awake. I'm heading to the hospital soon."

  Lily's eyes met mine, and her sweet smile made my chest tight. Shit, I was in deep.

  "Really, holy crap, that's awesome."

  "Yup." I grabbed the towel off the rack and started drying myself o
ff. Lily bit the corner of her mouth, and it took all my rational thought not to pin her against the wall. "You hungry, baby?" I said as I pulled the towel around my waist.

  "You probably need to get going, and I'm dying for a shower. You think you could drop me home on the way to the hospital. We could meet up later." Lily walked over to where I was standing and wrapped her arms around me; the palms of her hands flat against my back, her head tilted just enough to meet my eyes full stop. Without thinking I kissed her. It just happened — like how my heart beat without any conscious effort of my own. It was just the most natural thing I ever needed to do.

  "You don't want to come up to the hospital with me?" I asked, as my lips pulled from hers. God I want those lips on my body. I craved her like she was my last dying breath.

  "You need to be with your friends, and I need to do some things today anyway. We could have dinner later," she suggested.

  "Yeah, maybe want to try for some studio time? It's Monday, and we need to get back into the studio, babe. The bar opens again tomorrow, so let's get that track laid out?" Lily and I singing together was something I was eager to do again.

  "All right, that sounds awesome, actually." She stretched up on the tips of her toes and kissed my cheek. "Now get dressed, because I need to get home and brush my frigging teeth."

  An hour and a half later I was sitting next to Seth in the hospital waiting room. Cam and Colby left about thirty minutes after I arrived. Colby looked wrecked, and Cam looked just as bad. The ICU only let two visitors back at a time, and getting them to let Sailor in was a damn joke. What the hell? She was his kid; she needed to see her daddy. I wanted to punch the stupid male nurse sitting at the desk for giving Lizzie shit, but I didn't feel like going to jail, so I didn't. Sailor and Liz were Sawyer's two visitors, so Seth and I were stuck out in hospital purgatory.

  "I'm still fucking pissed you didn't call me last night with this shit, man? What the hell?" Seth stood and started to pace. "I mean, what if… what if—"

  "I know bro. I'm sorry, my head wasn't right last night."

  "You think? A quick text would have been nice. That's all I'm saying. I could have sat with Liz. She was alone, man." Seth's angry eyes appraised me.

  "She wasn't alone, she was here with Soy. I'm sorry, okay? Dick move on my part."

  "Dick move," he grumbled and started pacing again. He looked like a caged animal. Seth couldn't deal when his friends were hurting. "This place is making me crazy. I'm going downstairs for coffee. Want one?"

  "Sure, thanks."

  Just as he turned the corner, Elizabeth came through the automatic doors that led back to the ICU with Sailor in her arms. She gave me a small smile; she looked exhausted. The dark circles under her blue eyes gave her face a sunken appearance.

  "Let me take her. Sit down, Lizzie Bean, you look like shit." Taking the baby from her arms was the least I could do to help her.

  "Geez, thanks." She plopped down into the chair.

  "I just mean you should let me go back and see him. You need to go home, get showered, and change your clothes." Sailor squirmed in my arms so I threw her lightly in the air and caught her. I did this a few times and each time she giggled harder. "I mean he's awake, right?"

  "Yeah, the tests came back good. The swelling is down, but he's in so much pain. But they said the way he fell; it was just the right way to do it. Seeing him lying there, watching him struggle to do what he normally does on his own, watching that frustration flash across his eyes… It's so hard. He's so strong, and to see him like this… I just want him back home with me. He has some tremors in his right hand, and they need to do more tests to see what that's about." She ran her fingers through her hair; the rough movement had her looking overly disheveled.

  "He'll be back in shape in no time. That's how he is Liz, he's a fucking machine."

  "Todd, language!"

  "Sorry." I frowned. Sailor giggled as I bounced her on my hip.

  "Oh, I almost forgot. You'll never guess who his nurse is today." Liz gave me a sympathetic look.

  "Who?"

  "Emma. Emma—"

  "Dawson?"

  "Ah uh. I haven't seen her in forever." Liz nodded her head.

  Holy shit, I hadn't seen her since the night of Lizzie's wedding. I was in such bad shape that night. I don't really even remember much about it; all I could recall from that night was that I was out of my mind drunk, and Emma and I had apparently slept together. I had no idea how, or even why that even happened. I mean, I dated that chick for a bit, but she was so uptight about sex, about saving herself for marriage; she was way too moral for the fucking likes of me. So, it was surprising she took me back to her place that night. The sad thing was, I didn't even remember it. All I remember was driving in her car and then waking up next to her as she was crying. I felt like the biggest piece of garbage. I mean, the girl I thought I loved had just married another man, and there I was, drunk as shit, waking up next to a crying girl. Low point.

  "Emma Dawson? I haven't seen her since your wedding. She's a nurse?" I asked without real interest. Sailor slapped my nose; I pretended to bite her fingers as she smacked my nose some more. I loved this fat little baby girl.

  "Yeah, she told me she graduated last year. Changed her major; I guess. I had heard she was struggling awhile back.Apparently she's a single parent, but I guess this nursing degree has helped her get on her feet." Liz smiled, and I just stared at her blankly.

  "Single parent? She's got a kid? When did that happen?" I couldn't believe Emma-fucking-Dawson had gotten knocked up. Man, I missed a lot when I moved away.

  "Her daughter, I think she said her name was Molly, is two years old. I guess the father's not involved, which is too bad. She told me today that she had her that November after Sawyer and I were married."

  My head started to spin, and the acid in my stomach began to churn. Emma had a two-year-old daughter? The morning after Liz's wedding ran like a movie in my mind.

  My head was pounding, where the hell was I? I sat up, the alcohol still burning my throat. I was still wasted. I scrubbed my palm down my face, the feeling of cotton in my mouth. Why was this damn chick crying?

  "You okay, sweetheart?" My words slurred. Shit, I was still so drunk.

  "No Todd, I'm not okay… I'm one hundred levels below okay. I'm so screwed." The girl started to cry harder.

  "What's… what—?"

  "Just stop, I made a huge mistake. What am I going to do?" She stood from the bed, and I could feel her staring at me.

  I lifted my head; the light made my headache split nails in my temples. Emma Dawson. Emma Dawson? I took in her appearance — the sexed up hair, the black lace panties, and small tank. I looked down at my naked body covered in a sheet. Holy shit, I banged Emma Dawson. I think?

  "Did we?" I pointed to her, then myself.

  "Yes, Todd, we had sex. Oh my gosh, what was I thinking?" She sounded irritated. I felt bad. The fact I couldn't remember shit meant that I probably sucked, and she didn't get hers. Wow… Emma Dawson. Wait, did she just say, 'What was I thinking?'

  "The fuck? That's rude." I stood and found my pants on the floor. I stumbled as I tried to get dressed.

  "You were a mess. I felt so sorry for you, Todd. You were crying and—" Crying? This chick was crazy. I listened as she rambled on; my inebriated brain had a hard time keeping up. "I brought you here to try and sober you up. Like we used to, remember? You'd come over, tell me all your crap about Lizzie, I'd listen, and you'd fall asleep. Like old times, I thought. But you were so sad, and I've always cared about you, but you just never saw past her." Emma angrily grabbed her jeans and shoved her legs through each pant leg. "I broke down. You kissed me, and, heaven help me, I had a slip in judgment. I let my love for you cloud my brain, and I did the one thing I never thought I'd do. I let you use me." Emma started sobbing.

  The bile in my stomach started to rise. She loved me? I used her? She let me. How could I let this happen? "I'm… I'm—"

  "Don't fr
eaking say you're sorry. It broke, Todd! It freaking broke. Now what am I supposed to do? I hope for both our sakes nothing happens, because I can't do this with you."

  I broke her? I was so confused, and the taste of pennies pooled in my mouth. "I think I'm going to be sick."

  This whole time I thought she meant I broke her heart. When she said she couldn't do this with me, I thought she meant a fucking relationship, which I didn't want anyway so I didn't ask questions.

  "Todd, you look pale. Are you sick?" Elizabeth stood and took her daughter from my arms.

  Did she mean the condom broke? When she said she "Couldn't do this with me." Did she mean be a parent? The numbers and dates ran through my brain, making me feel dizzy.

  The ICU doors swung open, and the female's voice rang in my ears. "Lizzie, Sawyer is back, he's asking—"

  The loud clang of her clipboard dropping to the floor was all the confirmation I needed, as her face turned white as a sheet and her trembling hands hung limply at her sides. "Todd?" My name fell from her shaky lips, and I knew only two things in that moment. I was a father, and my daughter's name was Molly.

  THE TEARS THAT FILLED her eyes and spilled down her cheek cut me open, and the loss of feeling in my limbs tingled like pins and needles as if I were becoming paralyzed. The surrounding noise faded, and the clean, white walls of the hospital waiting room started to blur. My breathing felt superficial, but I could feel the anger start to scorch its way through my veins. This damn girl stood here weeping, and the only sentiment coursing through me was rage.

  "T-Todd, I… I—" Emma stammered.

  Liz's voice was faint in the background. She was asking me something, but the throbbing in my temples blocked it out. My jaw ached from how hard it had been clenched. Emma looked at me, and she saw the hurt and the betrayal plain as day on my face.

  Taking in the stale hospital air, I attempted to speak through my haze of anger. "How could you?" My throat contracted. I didn't cry. I was a fucking man, but for some reason, I felt pain trying to leak its way through my eyes. "How could you not tell me? I'm… I'm… a father?" My breathing was deep and measured as I tried to gain control of the shit storm in my head.