Backstage Pass
Page 9
“Kind of like vanilla ice cream,” Raven said, pursing her lips together and nodding matter-of-factly. “You never really know what you’re going to get, even though it’s a classic and you think you’ve got it figured out. Somehow, it still holds a little element of surprise.”
“Did you just call yourself vanilla?” Chris asked, winking in Raven’s direction.
“I’m anything but vanilla, honey,” Raven said, returning the wink and then quickly directing her attention back to the woman at the counter.
Even with their eye contact now averted, Chris knew neither of them could deny the sparks that had just flown between them.
She grabbed her cone and they took a seat next to the window.
“By the way, it was really cool what you did for Ryland,” Chris said. “I wanted to tell you that it really touched my heart.”
“It’s what anyone would have done,” Raven said, shrugging off the compliment.
“No, it’s not.”
“Well, anyone who is half-decent.” She turned her head, averting her attention out the window to signify that topic was closed.
“So what else do you want to know?” Raven asked, her guard raised once again, but now without the earlier combative air.
“Whatever you want to share with me,” Chris said. “But this isn’t a job interview or an interrogation. Certainly not a therapy session! I’m just enjoying getting to know you.” She hoped that Raven could hear her sincerity. The truth was, if she could have chosen how to spend the day, this is what she would have done. It had been nothing short of perfection.
“Well,” Raven said, taking a long lick of her ice cream cone and using her free hand to tap the table absentmindedly while she thought things through. “I love sports. Chicago Cubs fan, even though they break my heart—what’s left of it, that is—every single season. I like strong drinks, strong women and even stronger coffee. My favorite color is red, although I will occasionally go with blue, just because it’s a fun color. I grew up playing softball and I’ve always been pretty competitive. I guess that’s part of why I check my rankings on charts, sales numbers and interactions with my fans on social media almost daily. I want to be the best but more than that, I want my fans to think I’m the best. But aside from that, I’m your ordinary, run-of-the-mill lesbian next door.”
“Except for the fact that you write songs that win the hearts of millions and that everyone in the entire nation knows your name,” Chris said with a laugh. “I’d hardly call that run-of-the-mill.” She wondered how many times Raven had considered facts like that as revealing something “personal,” but she was enjoying hearing this side of things, nonetheless.
“Of course there’s that,” Raven said, her smile lighting up her entire face. “But not everyone really knows me. They don’t even know who I am.”
“Or your real name,” Chris said, raising an eyebrow. The question had been burning.
“Are you asking?” Raven asked, focusing her attention on her dripping ice cream cone for a moment, before turning back to look deep into Chris’s eyes.
“Not necessarily, but I think I am as curious as the rest of the world,” she said.
“A Google search should do the trick,” Raven said, offering nothing more than a casual shrug.
“You and I both know that’s not true,” Chris said, narrowing her eyes across the table. “It seems like someone on the inside has done a good job of keeping that all as clear as mud. A few years ago when someone reported using what was believed to be your given name, there were rumors and clarifying reports and a slew of other speculation thrown around. You even tweeted about six different names—all of which we know weren’t true. And you’ve gone to great lengths to seal records.”
“Like I said, no one really knows me,” she said with a shrug. “I guess I would kind of like to keep it that way. I am who I am in front of them and that’s all they really need to know. Truth be told, I’m much the same girl behind the scenes as I am on stage. I’m pretty simplistic in a lot of ways. I get deep with my music. Other than that, I prefer to have fun and see the light side of life. I enjoy cutting up with the guys, laughing over drinks, dancing like crazy and getting caught up in the silly things. That’s the side I guess people don’t get to see. But they do get to see who I am through my music, through my shows. They get to see edgy and a little deep from time to time, and they like that. People enjoy Raven, even if they don’t fully understand her. I’m not quite sure they’d enjoy the person behind the performance to the degree they love the girl in the lights and smoke.”
“I thought you didn’t care what they thought.”
“I don’t, but some things are better left in the past.”
Chris’s curiosity was now burning. “What things? What are you running from?” she asked.
Across the table, she saw Raven’s eyes darken and grow distant. As her forehead creased, she stood. “I’m running from a past of bad sweaters like the fuzzy one we saw back in that shop, bad decisions and a road that would have led to nothing more than a bad future. I’m running from bad and I’m working like hell to make good in myself and in the world. Let’s go find somewhere else to walk,” she said firmly, moving toward the trash can with her ice cream. “It’s hot in here,” she added as she strode to the door.
Chris tried to absorb Raven’s vague history. She could connect the dots. The woman had lived through a shitty childhood—just how shitty remained to be determined. The details would flow on their own at some point. There was no need to rush it.
“Thank you,” Chris said, when she finally caught up to Raven and matched her stride as they walked back down the plaza.
“For what?” Raven asked, not turning to face her, focused instead on a street performer dancing along to a tribal tune. The attire of the milling crowd made it clear this was a tourist destination for the wealthy and retired, as well as the artsy, inspired and eclectic traveler.
“For not telling me to go to hell when I asked questions and for just being a genuinely cool person,” Chris answered. “Also for the ice cream. It was delicious.”
Raven laughed. “You’re kind of like vanilla ice cream too,” she said after a moment, raising an eyebrow in Chris’s direction. “You keep me on my toes and usually surprise me with what comes out of your mouth. You’re pretty cool too.”
They laughed together and Raven reached over, looping her arm through Chris’s in a clear sign that there were no hard feelings, regardless of how tense the situation might have become.
As the day turned into evening, Chris was sure of a few things. She was peeling back the layers that Raven liked to keep hidden and she genuinely liked the person she saw underneath.
They danced through the streets, enjoying the street performers, who ranged from folksy singer-songwriters to tribal drummers to jazz trios. Chris let herself enjoy it all. She stood back in awe as Raven signed autographs. Even clad in nothing more than a fitted green T-shirt, a pair of skinny jeans, Chucks and a pair of oversized sunglasses, it was hard to disguise her easily recognizable beauty. She marveled at how easily Raven meshed with her fans, never irritated and always approachable. As an admirer would spot her, Raven would smile and joke with them while signing her autograph and posing for a selfie. Then, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, she would catch up, loop her arm around Chris and continue their stroll.
By dusk, Chris wanted to make the day linger in any way she could, but the clock was ticking down.
“Have you had a good day?” Chris asked, turning to face Raven.
“I have,” she said, her genuine smile stretching from ear to ear. “I don’t get to do this as often as I would like, honestly. I mean, I get to live the life I choose most days, but that often means I’m in the studio, in practices or sleeping off the night before. This feels so regular, but so extraordinary at the same time—like I imagine it would be for someone who has lived in a big city for their entire life, only to take one day to do all of the fun tourist
y things in the area.”
“Hanging out with me is like a staycation?” Chris asked, her amusement showing in her raised eyebrow.
“In the best way possible,” Raven said. She opened her mouth to speak again, but was silenced by Chris’s cell phone.
Chris sighed, noting that whoever was calling had horrible timing. Yet she figured anyone who interrupted at any point today would have horrible timing. Everything else seemed intrusive to such a wonderful day. Glancing at the screen, she bit her lip in consideration. She hadn’t talked to Brittany in days and she certainly needed to hear how things were going back home.
“I have to take this,” she said to Raven.
“Go for it,” Raven said. “I’ll busy myself over here.” Raven took a few steps away and lit up a cigarette.
“Hello?” Chris answered.
“Hey there.” Brittany’s voice filled the line, warming Chris’s heart to hear someone familiar and loving. “How’s my big, bad, famous best friend these days?”
“I’m doing well,” Chris said. “How are you?”
“I’m good. Nothing really exciting happening here. What’s new with you?”
“I’m just out exploring Santa Fe and enjoying some local New Mexico culture,” Chris said, laughing at the thought that this was such a “normal” day in her agenda. There was no staying in one place. There was nothing consistent and it was expected to see and do so many things in the span of a week. “I’ve been just about everywhere you can imagine on their southwest tour. So far just Austin, Phoenix and Santa Fe for shows, but I’ve been on the road at every place in between.”
“Are you having fun?”
“Yeah,” Chris said, the answer coming easily. “It’s been a blast, honestly.”
“Is it hard work? I mean, has she made even an effort to step up her game?”
“It’s not too hard,” Chris said, lowering her voice slightly. “There were some difficulties, but I think we’re on the path to making a change.”
“What’s she like?” Brittany asked. “Is she as hot as you thought she would be? Is she nice? Is she crazy? Does she do lines of blow off strippers’ chests? Does she sleep with everyone she sees? Is she always toting around a guitar? I’m dying with curiosity back home.”
Chris laughed at her friend’s onslaught, knowing that she would be asking exactly the same questions had she been in Brittany’s shoes, even though she would be asking out of simple curiosity. Often, Brittany’s questions about other women who had Chris’s attention came from a different place. She tried to read Brittany’s tone. She wasn’t sure if it was jealousy seeping through or simply fandom. It was hard to tell over the phone.
“I can’t,” Chris answered, hoping Brittany would understand her vagueness. “But all is great.”
“Oh my god!” Brittany exclaimed, her voice rising an octave. “You’re with her right now, aren’t you?”
“Mmmhmm,” Chris murmured.
“Oh my god,” Brittany said again, taking a deep breath. “It makes sense, I suppose,” she added, her words tumbling out quickly. “Of course you’re with her. You’re traveling with her. But it still seems so surreal. I can’t wait to hear all about it. I want to know the details—everything. When you fill me in, leave nothing out. If you know dirt or if she’s incredibly sexy or if she’s a bitch, I want to know it all.”
“What if I call you right before the show tonight?” Chris offered. “I should be free around seven, if that works for you.”
“Yes! That works. I’ll be here by my phone, waiting like a pathetic middle schooler, just hoping you’ll call. In fact, don’t be surprised if I pick up on the first ring.”
“You’re not even going to try to play the game, are you?” Chris joked, suddenly realizing just how much she missed Brittany, even if it was awkward at times. Brittany was her best and dearest friend and although Brittany undeniably wanted their relationship to blossom more than Chris did, the connection they shared was unmatched. The flashbacks of the nights they had shared popped into her mind. While their trysts had been short-lived, they had held unbridled passion. Chris shivered and righted her thoughts. “You’re just going to show all your cards at once.”
“We both know I have no game,” Brittany said. “My game is being desperate. It’s always seemed to work well for me.”
“It’s how you snagged me,” Chris said, playing into the joke and glancing out of the corner of her eye to see Raven watching her curiously, her eyebrow raised and her smile growing. As Brittany laughed nervously, Chris shook her head. She should be more careful with what she said to Brittany. She had considered letting down her guard and giving it a real shot. Chris was curious and Brittany had once drunkenly admitted she would love to take it further.
But Chris was worried it would end badly, and she would be left with just one more loss in her life. Lovers had come and gone. What remained of her family was nothing more than a shred of contact with her mother. Brittany’s friendship was important, and she hesitated to jeopardize it. Chris had very few people with whom she was close. It had been a long ongoing dilemma, and was clearly no closer to resolution.
Raven danced to the beat of a street performer, winking at Chris before turning to sign another autograph. The simplicity of her joy made Chris smile and long to join in. She cleared her throat and focused her attention back to the call.
“It sure is,” Brittany continued after a pause, oblivious to the interaction on the other side of the line. “Anyway, have fun with your rock star and I’ll talk to you tonight.”
“Before I let you go,” Chris said, “how’s my little guy?”
She glanced back in Raven’s direction and saw the rocker was done signing autographs and had once again cast her attention in Chris’s direction. The questions danced in her eyes. No poker face, Chris thought to herself, turning her attention back to Brittany.
“He’s doing great. We went for a walk today and then to PetSmart. We’ve been all over the place running errands. He shredded his stuffed bear and now he’s napping on my lap. Aside from giving me an irritated look every time I speak, he’s doing wonderfully.”
“I miss him…and you,” Chris said, wanting just a day to go back and spend with them before coming back out to continue here. “Thank you for loving him and taking such good care of him.”
“It’s what we do for each other,” Brittany said, dismissing it casually. “Besides, you’d do the same for me. Go have fun and I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay,” Chris said. “Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
She weighed the exchange. Before they slept together she had never questioned expressing her love to Brittany. But so much had changed since that fateful night just three months earlier. She took a moment to remember it in full, something she had refused to do for too long.
Chris had been down in the dumps. Her work week had been stressful and her mother had been terse. To top it off, it was her father’s birthday. As always, Brittany was the one to step to the plate. What had started off as a night to blow off steam—one of their typical girls’-night-in celebrations—had turned into taking shot after shot and reliving college drinking games. Brittany had been smooth, turning a ‘truth or dare’ moment into an opportunity to share a kiss with Chris. With inhibitions lowered, there was little to stop her from enjoying Brittany’s soft lips. And when they tumbled on top of each other, tearing at each other’s clothes, their bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces, she hadn’t stopped to think what the aftermath might be. She had been too lost in how it felt to touch Brittany’s body, to have Brittany take control. She shivered, remembering the magic Brittany’s tongue had worked, savoring the sight of those blue eyes. From between Chris’s legs, Brittany had looked up, making eye contact and winking as Chris came. Chris’s body tensed at the memory. It had been hot that night. And with the lines already blurred and both of them hungry for good sex, the nights that followed had been lost in waves of passion.
Chris walked back over to Raven, amused by just how engrossed the rock star had been in her conversation. Deciding to be as enigmatic as a vanilla-flavored person could be, Chris changed the subject. “Want to head back to the bus, so you can get ready for tonight?”
“I do,” Raven said slowly. “But first, I want to grab a turkey leg from that street vendor over there. It’s been calling my name for the past half hour and I know I just need to do it.”
“It’s destiny,” Chris said, laughing at how serious Raven was about food choices. “Go get one and then we’ll go back.”
Raven nodded and put her arm around Chris, ensuring that they’d walk together over to the little stand. While they waited, Raven chewed the inside of her cheek, clearly wanting to say something but trying with all of her might to resist.
She finally turned to Chris. “Wife and kid? Girlfriend and kid? Or what?” she asked, her forced smile a plain attempt to appear casual and aloof.
Chris laughed, unable to hold it back. She wished Raven could see how transparent she was. Gone was the badass woman in control of everything. When she didn’t answer immediately, Raven’s brow lines deepened, her unspoken questions screaming at Chris.
“You have a wife, don’t you? Even though you don’t wear a ring, you have someone you left behind and hit the road,” Raven said, this time making it a statement instead of a question. Raven shook her head. “They worry when you’re out on the road doing god knows what with god knows who. It’s not an easy life when you’re connected to someone.”