Backstage Pass

by Riley Scott

  It was for the best, she knew, but it still stung. This was the campaign she had pitched, sold and built from the ground up and now she was handing over the reins completely. Not that she wanted direct contact with Raven, but she would have liked to have some say in how it was implemented.

  “Okay,” she said, clasping her hands together as she collected her words to try to explain what happened. “Things were going well. Raven has a temper, yes. We worked on taming it in public. She saw me as an ally, which is really important in dealing with her. Once that was established, we were able to strategize together and build a really successful campaign. We got close—very close, as you know. We trod the line as best as we knew how, but we got swept up in it. At least I did.

  “The last night I was there was bad for her. Her past came back to haunt her in a very real way and instead of dealing with it in a healthy, adult fashion, she did some drugs and hooked up with a pair of groupies or dealers—I’m not sure which. I walked in on it all and I let my heart do the walking out. I knew it would have been fruitless to even consider staying. Once she had seen through how I really felt about what she’d done—how badly it hurt me—I’m positive we would have been back to being enemies. I would once again be demoted to the outsider PR girl who can’t be trusted and the campaign itself would flounder. I figured it was better to disappear and to salvage whatever had been achieved. With me out of the picture, maybe someone else can make sure that we don’t go backward.”

  “Okay.” Susan compressed her lips. Cocking her head to the side, her half grin showed both signs of sadness and maternal protection. “I’ll take over it all and you will resume your usual client base. We’ll get things back to a normal ebb and flow eventually. For now, I want you to go home. I think you need a day or two to get your head straightened out. Use two of your vacation days and then come back next week ready to work and ready to move forward.”

  Chris stood, walked around the table and hugged her boss. “I know I shouldn’t do that,” she said, pulling back.

  “It’s fine. I get it.”

  “Thank you,” she said, her eyes welling up. “I won’t forget this and I’ll make sure you won’t regret it.”

  “I know. Take care of yourself. And for what it’s worth, even though it was a weird situation to start with, I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

  Chris nodded, unable to form words. She made her way to the door before she broke down completely. As she walked to her car, she waved politely at the receptionist and hoped she didn’t look too much of a mess. Quickening her pace, she made a decision. She was going to get her life together, whatever it took.

  Chapter Nineteen

  With each footstep pounding against the pavement, Chris felt the tension fade away. Months had passed and she was beginning to feel more like her old self. Even in the early fall, the morning sunlight warmed her skin and sweat poured from every inch of her body in the Houston humidity. She felt oddly free. Embracing who she was and all she had been through, she let the music speak to her soul.

  “Fight Song” by Rachel Patten blared through her earbuds. She bobbed her head to the beat, knowing that it was cheesy, but still relishing its meaning. Now was, indeed, the time to take back her life. She had changed her Pandora stations. She had removed Raven’s music from her go-to playlists to be never touched again, unless she needed some sort of cathartic healing.

  She pumped her arms faster and sprinted the last of her run, pushing her body to the limit. Her muscles ached and her shins were throbbing, but she didn’t care. When she came to a stop, she surveyed the neighborhood, smiling at its normalcy. It was as quiet and peaceful as when she left it. The quaint little cul-de-sac reminded her of something out of a 1950s film and it had often been hers and Brittany’s joke that they were the perfect little family. Maybe one day they could be.

  For the millionth time since she had been home, the concept of a relationship with Brittany resonated within her. It would be easy. It would be full of love. It would be theirs. Though the idea never sparked fireworks for her, it was comfortable. God knows, there was little comfort anywhere else in her life.

  For the time being, she was focusing on bettering herself. Once she felt whole, she would broach the subject with Brittany. She had done enough damage to herself and others. And this was her journey to personal growth—whatever path that led her down. She needed to complete it on her own.

  It hurt, but this life was hers.

  * * *

  “Raven shows rare emotional performance…” The headline jumped off the page, along with an above-the-fold photo of her sitting on a stool, playing her guitar, tears streaming down her face. The article continued, with Raven nodding along with the words.

  “In a rare display of emotion, Raven left the crowd speechless. One of the most powerful performances of the year, giving us a glimpse into the often unknown world of the rocker’s personal life.

  “Given her recent changes in behavior, being photographed with a significant other and finally shedding some light on who she is behind the glitz and glamour, it seems as though America’s beloved bad girl might finally be growing up and growing into her own skin.”

  She pushed the paper away, knowing that they had hit the nail on the head. Raven replayed how it was for her on stage that night.

  Clear-eyed, sober, ready to embrace emotion. Although Albuquerque provided a typically rowdy crowd, it seemed to sense the sincerity of the moment. A hush fell over the audience, as she reached for a stool and ushered the band off stage. Typically, she would play alone for one of her own ballads, but this time she wanted her night’s cover to be something special and meaningful.

  “This one is just between us—just between me and each of you,” she had told them, looking from face to face in the crowd. She strummed the first note, looking out at the crowd. “This song hit me the other day. I’ve heard it a million times, and it’s a little out of what I’d normally play for you all. But I think there comes a time when we have to face the music and realize it’s not all pretty. There are highs and lows and this is one of those songs for realizing the lows, embracing them and learning to move forward.”

  She saw the crowd’s approval and closed her eyes. This song was for each of them struggling and it was for her. Most of all, it was personal. Though she kept the notion to herself, she was singing for Chris, an acknowledgment that she had done wrong and that she was going to make a change.

  The lyrics of Kid Rock’s “Only God Knows Why” highlighted the struggle of finding oneself in the midst of life’s pain. Lost in the music, she swayed as she poured her heart out in song. The cell phones and lighters swaying through the air urged her to continue. As the song spoke of being away from home, she wiped away her tears. There was no doubt that she had been gone too long. Not from an actual home as the song alluded to. Home was not a place. Home was the home inside of her, the place that Chris had brought to life, the place that she had spent so long running from, the place that she now had to find again on her own.

  She leaned back on the couch, putting her arms behind her as a headrest while she reflected upon it all. It was long overdue, but she was growing up making the changes she needed to make. Turning her attention to the tour schedule, she smiled.

  Two more days and she would be ready. Since the day Chris had walked out three months ago, she had been making great strides. She was clean. She was sober. She was real. She was more. It was time to show that to the world and it was time to show Chris the difference she had made in her lover’s life, regardless of if it could possibly change her views of Raven.

  * * *

  Soft music playing and the curtains drawn, Raven looked at herself in the mirror. Her brown eyes held hints of gold, a color she had scarcely seen in them in years. They were clear. They were confident and they were ready. This time, they were not a brave façade. They were genuine. She smiled nervously at her reflection, biting her lip.

  “Are you ready?” she heard Paul’s voice a
sk softly from the doorway.

  She turned to face him, nodding and then shaking her head. She shrugged. “I don’t know, to be honest. It’s all so confusing and terrifying.”

  “You’ll be great,” he said, walking across the space between them and giving her a warm hug. “You’ve come a long way, in a surprisingly short time.”

  “I had a long way to go and I’m still not done.”

  “Yes.” He looked down to make eye contact. “But you’re trying and that much is evident.”

  “I guess it’s go time,” she said, checking her watch.

  “Let’s do it. I’m here if you need any backup.”

  “I don’t think she’s going to shoot me, if that’s what you’re referring to.”

  His laughter eased her nerves. “Not at all. I meant that solidly in the wingman sense. Like, if for some reason, this doesn’t work and you want to try our old barroom skills, I’m your guy.”

  “Thank you,” she said, winking at him and walking out of the room. “It can only go up from here.”

  Raven knew that things could go solidly south today. It could make recovery that much harder to face. Even so, she was prepared to walk this road alone, if that’s what it took. She straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath, holding her head high as she walked from the bus, emerging onto the street.

  She again read the text message from Susan, her new public relations specialist, to make sure she was in the right place. This place seemed so ordinary, so unfamiliar. Yet it was the place that was “home” for someone so extraordinary, someone who had brought the “home” feeling to Raven’s life. She breathed in deeply, relishing the sweet scent of baking. From another era, cinnamon and sugar mingled in the air, making the fall breeze ever more pleasant. It set her at ease, as much as it made her dream of a time and place where life might have been a little simpler.

  “Be more.” She once again replayed Chris’s words, nodding her head to the words. She walked up to the house, verifying once more that she had the number right. After knocking, she stepped back, waiting and sliding her guitar strap into position. At the sound of footsteps, she felt her heart might beat right out of her chest. There was a pause in movement at the door and she imagined Chris was peeking through the peephole.

  Chris must have seen the huge bus pulled up out front. Slowly, the door crept open and Raven gulped back the last of her fears. It was now or never. Time seemed to stand still. Raven peered into the depths of Chris’s confused, sea-green eyes, realizing again just how much she had missed her.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I told myself I wouldn’t come to you until I was different, until I was in a different, healthier place. I’m there and I’d like to talk to you a bit, if you will give me the time I don’t deserve.”

  “Why now?” Chris’s eyes lightened as she turned her head, tilting her chin up slightly.

  “I have some things you need to hear.”

  Chris cocked her head to the side questioningly. Raven cleared her throat, undeterred.

  “I’m sorry,” Raven said, her words catching in her throat. “I’m so sorry for all I put you through and I wanted to see you to have a chance to tell you that and to show you something.”

  “What?” Chris asked in a voice barely above a whisper. The lines in her forehead deepened and she crossed her arms around her chest, as if trying to protect herself from what was coming.

  Raven took a deep breath and played. She ignored the ice cream truck driving down the street behind her and the kids playing down the street. None of it mattered right now. The world was just Chris and her.

  “Untouched by the fire,

  Unfazed by the tides,

  Bolstered by independence,

  Held together with stubborn pride,

  Convinced I was climbing,

  Convinced I had it all,

  Never knowing it could crumble,

  Never knowing I could fall;”

  She strummed her guitar, letting her voice meld with each chord as she poured out her heart in song. She kept her eyes on Chris, never wavering.

  “Some call it toughness,

  Some say I’m brave,

  Sadly I know now,

  It doesn’t matter what they say,”

  Stiffening, Chris wiped away a single tear, causing Raven to play the guitar solo for a beat longer than necessary as she struggled to compose herself.

  “No longer tough, no longer brave,

  Naked in front of you I stand,

  I’ve been swirling the skies for too long,

  And now I have to land;

  Coming home,

  Coming back around,

  For the first time,

  Seeing it clearly now…”

  As she sang the chorus again, Raven felt the tears stream down her cheeks and watched as Chris listened, nodding but now showing no sign of emotion. When she finished, she pulled her guitar off and set it on the sidewalk, before walking over to stand directly in front of Chris.

  “That was beautiful,” Chris said. Her expression was hard, even though her tears had formed.

  “It was for you,” Raven said, breaking eye contact for a moment to look down and gain her composure. “I’ve made a lot of changes and I know that’s probably not ever going to be enough. But I had to let you know that you changed me.”

  “I didn’t,” Chris said, shaking her head. “I couldn’t.”

  “You did. You were the only one with the power to do so. You made me feel and you made me human, instead of the monster I was. You brought me back to reality, something I’d spent my entire life running from. I need to thank you and I have to beg for your forgiveness. I acted stupidly, selfishly and as though I was the only one who mattered. I thought that’s who I was, but you showed me it wasn’t. You showed me who I really am and you were right. I’m more. I’m more than a rocker chick with a bad attitude and a selfish mind-set. I have a big heart and I just never let it show. I was afraid to, but you made me brave enough to show it, to feel it. Thank you.”

  “I tried.”

  “No,” Raven said, shaking her head. “You succeeded. You have made me a better person and I can never thank you enough.”

  “What about the drugs and the drinking? What about everything else? Are you working on that?”

  Raven nodded. “I’m completely clean and have been for a while. I may have a drink at some point, at a party in the future, but I don’t need it right now. I needed time to get my head screwed on straight, time to realize all that I could be without leaning on the crutch of a mistaken identity.”

  “You sound like you’ve made a lot of progress. I’m impressed.”

  The words came across as cold and guarded. Raven felt the blow.

  “I don’t want to take up too much of your time, or to overwhelm you, but…” her voice caught as she felt the weight of the words she was about to utter. “I want you to know that you are the single best thing that’s ever happened to me. I will go to the ends of the earth to let you know that, to let you know just how sincerely I appreciate you saving me. I know I was on a destructive path. I was always just one bad decision away from letting it all go, being another Winehouse or Cobain. I let too many things define who I was and you saw through that. You saw me, the real me, buried underneath the bad decisions. No one has ever done that and it left me bare. I have no excuses for the horrible things I did or the ways I hurt you, but I want you to know I would do it all over again if I could and make it right.”

  “How would you make it right?”

  “I’m not sure,” Raven said, looking down at her feet, before resuming eye contact. “I know I can’t change what I’ve done. I can’t go back and undo it. All I know is that, moving forward, I need you to know that I’m in love with you. I’m in love with the way you burn with a passion for people, with the way that you view the world, with the way that you don’t back down from any challenge, with the way that you make everything around you more beautiful. I’m i
n love with all that you are and all that you do, from the way you crinkle your nose when you laugh, to the way that you sigh right before you have to put someone in their place and from the way you make me a better person, to the way that you know who you are and what you’re doing in the world.”

  “Love?” Chris asked, her voice breathless, sounding like someone had knocked the air out of her.

  Raven nodded. “Love. It took me a long time to even put a name on the emotion, since I realized I’d never truly felt it before. For anyone. I love you. And I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m here begging that you’ll consider it.”

  “I need some time,” Chris said, tears now rolling down her face freely. “I’m sorry. I have a life here. I have someone who does love me and would love me fully—without hurting me at every turn. More than that, I have me. And I’m learning to stand up for myself and fight for what’s best for me. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to respond.”

  “You have no need to apologize,” Raven said, even as her heart fell from her chest with the words. “If you change your mind, I’ll have seats for you at tonight’s show and I’d love to take you to dinner afterward.”

  Chris frowned, nodded and then shook her head, before turning around and bolting for the safety of her house.

  Raven stood on the street, looking around the serene neighborhood and feeling the weight of her actions crashing down. She looked up at the sky and forced a deep breath. Whatever came, just as she told herself, she would deal with it.

  No more running.

  * * *

  More inspired than ever, Raven was ready to rock this show, with more feeling, more raw emotion than any performance she had ever given—no matter who was or was not in the audience.

  Backstage, she looked into the mirror, enjoying what she saw. Yes, she was still the same girl she had always been with deep brown eyes, high cheekbones and long, flowing dark hair. Even her eye makeup and wardrobe was the same as usual, but there were notable differences—differences she was proud of. This was who she was supposed to be. This was real. Smiling, she straightened her shoulders and walked confidently down the long hallway leading to the stage. She knew that, one day, if it was meant to be with Chris, it would happen. And if it never did, she would be okay on her own.