The Fraternity Files

by Stephanie Joeline Kerfoot

  “Yes! Huhha!” Ryan whooped and clapped Danny on the back two seconds before Steve swept him off his feet. “Hey!” he laughed as Steve whirled him around. “Put me down, you imbecile!”

  Danny hadn’t moved, and as Steve set Ryan down, both his brothers laughed at the stunned expression on his face. Keeping his arm around Ryan, Steve hooked his arm around his other little brother’s neck and pulled him to him. “I told you it would all work out,” he whispered tenderly.

  Danny tried to smile, but his eyes were still on Kevin and he found all of a sudden that he didn’t care as much about the game as he thought he had. It meant nothing to him without his little brother. Steve and Ryan followed his eyes. “It’s going to be all right, Dan,” Steve whispered. “I promise, ok?”

  Danny swallowed hard. Kevin hadn’t looked back at him once since he had looked away. “It’ll be ok, Bro,” Ryan echoed their older brother. “ Trust us! You’ll see!”

  “I know,” Danny did his best to sound more hopeful than he felt, and he had to laugh despite himself as the next moment Jesse bounced up to him.

  “We’re going to the Championship!!!!!!!!!” he screamed as he flung himself at his best friend.

  “Take it easy, Jess,” Danny chuckled as his friend tried to lift him and teetered backwards under his weight. “We haven’t won the game yet!”

  “But we will!” Jesse replied with genuine conviction and Steve and Ryan laughed too as Sean appeared and pulled his overly exuberant little brother off of Danny. The next moment all their friends surrounded them and swept them into the now frenzied celebration. Danny had time for only one quick glance back to where Kevin too was now surrounded by his own doting admirers and friends.

  The atmosphere of the locker room now was a stark contrast to the gloom of ten minutes before and the team that had been more ready for a funeral than a football game was now as fired up as anyone could ever hope. There was only one person not celebrating. Gregg Mcarthy was sitting in the back corner alone, every bit as miserable now as Danny had been fifteen minutes earlier, but nobody noticed, not even Kyle.

  Ten minutes later, Kevin was dressed (no one had commented on the meeting or his butt which was healing nicely), and all four brothers were pushed to the front of the pack as the team made their way onto the field where they were greeted by the deafening roar of the fans who loved them. Kevin was received especially well, having missed the last two games, and Danny was touched by the expression on his little brother’s face. “Welcome back, Bud,” he whispered again and tentatively he placed his hand on Kevin’s shoulder as they stood for a moment, looking up at the fans. Kevin stiffened slightly, but did not pull away and as small as the victory was, Danny took more hope from that moment than from all the reassurances his two older brothers had given him put together.

  File Nine

  The Talk (Reiterated)

  "

  The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

  -M. Scott Peck

  The game did not go particularly well. The Bulldogs won it of course (Danny sure as hell wasn’t going to lose it), but it was hard fought and came down to a field goal in the end. Kevin didn’t have as much to do with it as one might suppose either. He had, after all, not practiced for over two weeks and the strain between him and Danny was evident. He made a couple of good plays and gained some significant yards, but he did not score any touchdowns.

  Danny, in his excitement at the end of the game, tried to embrace him, but Kevin pushed him away. “Kev . . .,” Danny started.

  “Don’t, Danny!” Kevin held up his hands as Danny approached him again and Danny stopped. “Just . . .don’t . . .ok?”

  Danny’s face fell. “Kev, come on . . . .”

  “Just leave me alone, ok?” Kevin cautioned, backing away. “Just leave me alone!” He turned quickly, shoving the unsuspecting camera men out of the way, and keeping his head down as he headed for the locker room. Steve and Ryan, caught in the thick of the commotion themselves, had not seen the exchange, nor did they notice the affect it had on Danny as two seconds later they swept him back into the celebration, but someone had noticed, and that same someone followed Kevin into the locker room.

  “Come on kid,” Kevin jumped at the sound of the voice behind him and spun around to confront Jesse Kinkaid’s inquisitive eyes. “Just how long do you plan to make him pay, huh?” Jesse inquired softly.

  “Leave me alone, Jess, please,” Kevin requested tiredly, turning back to his locker and beginning to strip off his sweaty uniform.

  “No can do, Kev’bo,” Jesse replied, “not until you tell me what’s going on.”

  “Nothing’s going on!” Kevin protested.

  “Bullshit!” Jesse countered. “You really hurt him just now!” Kevin remained quiet as he threw his jersey in the laundry cart and began to unbuckle his pads. “Why are you holding this over his head?”

  “I’m not ‘HOLDING IT OVER HIS HEAD,’ Jesse!” Kevin returned exasperatedly. “I’m just not ready to talk to him!”

  “Why not?” Kevin was silent once more as he started to untie his pants. “He has done everything for you!” Jesse began to get angry, now. “There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you, Kevin, and none of this is his fault! The meeting nearly destroyed him! Why are you so mad at him?”

  “I’m . . . I’m not mad!” Kevin’s voice caught in his throat.

  “That is such a load of crap, Kevin!”

  “No, really, Jess! I’m not mad, ok?! Jesus! I just need some space! Is that really so much to ask?” Jesse regarded him for a moment without speaking.

  “All right, Kevin,” he said at last, “if you’re really not mad, then why did you rip up his picture? You know how much he loved it. He showed it to everyone.”

  “He knows about that?” Kevin’s face drained as he tossed his pants in the laundry cart, and finally turned to face Jesse.

  “Yes,” Jesse returned quietly. “He went to try to talk to you the other day and found it on the floor.” Kevin pressed his fingers to his eyes. “Why did you rip it if you aren’t mad?” Jesse prompted gently.

  “That was nearly two weeks ago, Jess! I was a little mad then, ok? I was confused! But I’m not now!”

  “Well, why won’t you talk to him then?” It was Jesse’s turn to be exasperated.

  “Because, Jesse, I’m a fuck up! Ok? I fucked it all up! Don’t you get it??” Kevin’s voice cracked. “I thought it was a party! I strolled into that meeting like I was the shit, broke I don’t know how many fraternity rules, and basically made a complete ass out of myself! I feel like such a fucking idiot! After all the times Danny tried to tell me, after all the things he did to try and help me and I never listened . . . . I just can’t face him, Jess! I can’t face him!” Kevin sat down on the nearest bench and covered his face as tears began to streak his cheeks.

  Jesse gazed uncomfortably down at him for a minute, trying to think of the right words. “Danny doesn’t think you’re an idiot, Bud, I promise you,” he said softly at last. Kevin didn’t respond and Jesse sighed, sitting down next to him and feeling encouraged when Kevin didn’t move away. “You need to talk to him, Kid,” he went on softly. “He’s crazy about you! Now, more than ever!”

  “I don’t see how he can be!” Kevin sobbed. “I’ve done nothing but fuck up all semester long! I nearly failed all my classes, gave him nothing but shit when he tried to help me, and then because of me all of my brothers got suspended from the team! They probably hate me!”

  “They don’t hate you,” Jesse returned quietly.

  “But I let the whole fucking team down!” Kevin insisted.

  “You didn’t let anyone down, Kev,” Jesse assured. “You showed up today, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah
so? Fat lot of good I did!”

  “You played hard, Kevin! And your brothers got to play, and we won, Bud! We’re going to the Championship! It doesn’t have to be all on you all the time, you know. You put too much on yourself!”

  “I almost blew the whole thing, Jess, by being such an ass wipe! I just feel so . . . so . . . dumb!” he choked at last.

  For a moment Jesse was silent, choosing his words carefully. This was a conversation Kevin needed to have with Danny. “Listen to me, Kevin,” he started at last. “Are you listening?” Kevin nodded. He was still crying hard, but he wiped at his face now, and made an effort to pay attention. “You need to talk to Danny,” Jesse repeated with quiet emphasis.

  “I can’t,” Kevin objected.

  “Wait,” Jesse held up his hand, and Kevin hung his head, brushing at his cheeks once more. “You are not dumb, Kev! Nobody thinks that! Least of all, Danny.” Kevin looked at his brother’s best friend now and Jesse met his eyes. “He knows exactly what you’re going through, kid,” Jesse finished quietly.

  “But how can he?” Kevin protested disbelievingly.

  “He does, Kevin,” Jesse cut him off, gazing intently into Kevin’s confused eyes. “He knows EXACTLY what you’re going through, Bud,” he repeated softly. “Do you understand what I’m saying to you?” Kevin just gazed at him in shock, unable to believe Jesse really meant what he seemed to mean.

  “Why didn’t he tell me?” he sobbed, finally.

  “He couldn’t, Kev’bo,” Jesse replied softly. “There’s a whole lot you haven’t figured out about all this just yet, Bud, and that’s why you need to talk to him.” Kevin looked down now as he tried to process everything Jesse was saying.

  “Did he think the meeting was going to be a party too?” he demanded wretchedly, after a minute.

  Jesse couldn’t help the little snort that escaped, and Kevin looked at him in surprise. “You should ask him what he thought, Kid,” Jesse encouraged with another little chuckle. “You might not think you had it so bad, when he tells you.” Kevin hung his head again, and Jesse waited patiently for a few moments, but finally he asked, “So, will you talk to him?” Kevin nodded, brushing at his cheeks once more. “Tonight?” Jesse pressed. Kevin nodded again. “Promise?”

  “Ok, Jess,” Kevin responded at last with an exasperated little laugh. “I promise I’ll talk to him. Tonight,” he added as Jesse eyed him skeptically.

  Finally satisfied, Jesse squeezed his shoulder and got to his feet. “Why don’t you get dressed and come on out there with us, Kev’bo? This is your celebration too. It’s been ten years since we went to the Championship, and you and Danny together had a lot to do with getting us this chance.”

  Kevin shook his head. “I don’t really feel like celebrating, Jess,” he replied softly.

  For a moment Jesse gazed sympathetically at him, wishing there was something more he could say or do, but he could think of nothing. “Ok, Bud,” he finally sighed. “Are you going to be all right?” Kevin nodded, and quietly Jesse left the locker room, intent now on rejoining the still raucous festivities on the field. For a long time, after he was gone, Kevin just sat there, trying to pull himself together, thinking about all Jesse had told him, and planning what he would say to Danny later on that night.

  File Ten

  The Reconciliation

  "Nothing can match the treasure of common memories, of trials endured together, of quarrels and reconciliations and generous emotions. It is idle, having planted an acorn in the morning, to expect that afternoon to sit in the shade of the oak."

  -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Wind, Sand, and Stars)

  The news spread quickly from Jesse to Sean, from Sean to Ryan, and from Ryan to Steve. By eight o'clock that evening, Danny was the only one inside their little circle who did not know of the impending event. He headed back to the house in low spirits. There were still plenty of parties going on of course, but he wasn’t in much of a party mood, not when Kevin was clearly still mad at him. Ryan went with him and hung out for awhile, trying to cheer him up with little success. Then, around nine, Sean and Steve showed up, claiming to need Ryan for something. Danny encouraged him to go and thus he was alone in their room at the computer when the knock finally came.

  “Come in,” he responded moodily. “I hope . . . I mean is this a good time? I can come back . . . .”

  Danny looked quickly towards the door at the sound of his little brother’s voice and sat up straighter in his chair. “Yeah, Bro, of course it is,” he responded. “Come on in.” Hesitantly, Kevin stepped into the room, shutting the door after him and for a moment, the two brothers just looked at one another. “Have a seat,” Danny finally offered. “You want something to drink?” he asked, getting up and going to the mini fridge in the corner by Ryan’s bed. “Soda, water, beer?” he turned to look at Kevin who was now sitting awkwardly on the end of Danny’s bed. Kevin met his eyes briefly, but shook his head and looked away again quickly. Danny shut the door to the fridge and contemplated his little brother thoughtfully for a moment. “What’s up, Bro?” he prompted quietly at last. “What’s on your mind?”

  “I um . . . I thought you might want to see this.” Kevin looked up once more to meet his brother’s eyes and his face reddened. It was then that Danny saw his little brother was clutching a packet of paper stapled together in the upper left corner.

  “What is it?” he asked softly as Kevin tentatively offered it to him. He received no response and gently he took the packet from Kevin’s hand. Kevin looked uneasily at the ground, and Danny looked down at the papers he now held.

  “Oh my God!” he exclaimed. “You got an A?” He looked at his little brother for confirmation and Kevin nodded, though he did not look up. “Oh my God, Kevin! I can’t believe it!” he laughed. “Merrick never gives A’s! I knew you could do it, Bud! This is awesome!”

  “Yeah,” Kevin grumbled in embarrassment. “Turns out, studying DOES help. Go figure, huh?”

  Danny laughed again. “So are you going to pass?”

  “Yeah, looks like it,” Kevin murmured, his cheeks flaming. “Merrick said if I come to every class between now and the end of the semester and make at least a B on the Final, he’ll pass me, so I think I’m set.”

  “Wait until Ryan and Steve hear about this!” Danny gloated, looking down at the history report once more and smirking to himself as he thought of Gregg Mcarthy’s earlier comments. ‘All the time, energy, and work had indeed paid off.’ “I’m proud of you, Bud,” he looked once more at his little brother, only to find that Kevin had his fingers to his eyes; he was fighting back tears.

  “Hey, Bro,” Danny sat quickly down next to him and placed his arm around him, laying the report beside him on the bed. “It’s ok,” he whispered.

  “I’m sorry, Danny,” Kevin choked.

  “For what?” Danny asked softly.

  “For everything,” Kevin sobbed. “I’m sorry for everything!”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Kev,” Danny assured.

  “I let you down,” Kevin wept. “I let everybody down!”

  “You didn’t let me down, Bro,” Danny comforted once more. Kevin was only becoming more worked up and Danny tightened his arm, pulling him closer to his side. “You didn’t let anybody down,” he repeated as Kevin buried his face in his shoulder. “You’re all right, Bud,” he whispered soothingly. “We’re all right.”

  “I just feel like such a jerk, Danny! I fucked everything up! Everything!”

  “You’re not a jerk, Kev,” Danny murmured, “and you didn’t fuck anything up.” Kevin’s gut wrenching sobs continued to fill the room and Danny squeezed his shoulder. “Hey, Bud, come on now, you’re fine,” he whispered. “Everything’s going to be ok. I wasn’t such a model of perfection myself you know, last year.”

  “I know!” Kevin sobbed. “Jesse told me.”

  “He did, did he?” Danny chuckled, and Kevin nodded against his shoulder. For a few mo
re minutes there was silence as Kevin worked up the courage to ask what he wanted to ask.

  “Did you get licks?” he sniffed at last. Danny hugged him closer but remained silent. Last year’s meeting was not among his favorite topics of conversation. Finally Kevin began to grow calmer and he looked up, brushing at his cheeks. “Jesse said you got licks, last year,” he insisted.

  “He told you that, did he?” Danny whispered, meeting his little brother’s eyes.

  “Well,” Kevin blushed a little once more, “not in so many words, maybe, but yeah.” Danny too was red, now, and he pulled his little brother closer again. “So, did you?” Kevin prompted.

  Danny was quiet for another minute, but then he sighed. “Yeah, Bro,” he admitted softly, at last, “I got licks last year.”

  Kevin’s eyes widened and Danny squeezed his shoulder again. “In front of the fraternity? Like I did?” Kevin barely breathed.

  “Yeah, Bud,” Danny confirmed once more. “What did you think I meant when I said I knew how hard it was, huh?” Kevin shrugged and cuddled closer, thinking it all over. Danny too was quiet.

  “Did you think it was a party too?” Kevin broke the silence with a little sob.

  “Well, sort of.” Danny couldn’t help smirking, for once, at his own memory.

  “What do you mean, ‘sort of’?”

  “Well,” Danny explained sheepishly, “cocky little ass that I was, I thought they were inducting me into the Bulldog Hall of Fame.”

  Kevin looked up in surprise. “As a freshman?”

  “Yeah,” Danny flushed again. “Presumptuous little bastard, wasn’t I?”

  Kevin hid his face again, but he wasn’t quick enough to hide the smile pulling at the sides of his mouth and Danny poked him in the ribs.

  “Oww!” Kevin laughed. “I’m sorry, Danny,” he declared, “but Jesse was right! That is worse!”