Girl's Guide to Kissing Frogs

by Clayton, Victoria

  ‘The performance?’

  ‘The hotel. I saw at once Isobel was anxious. She tried to tell me that she was in love with me but I explained that I knew the truth, that she was in love with her brother and that there was no possibility of destroying this conviction of mine. I told her that I felt neither censure nor revulsion. When she saw I was serious she cried very much, poor girl. Luckily the hotel lounge was empty apart from one bored waiter, so she could make a clean chest of things.’

  I was too gripped by the recital to correct him. ‘Go on.’

  ‘She told me that she could not remember a time when Rafe had not been her great love and that it was her fault that things had gone further. Though he adored her, he had been afraid to take the final step. She seduced him one day in the old building where they used to rest their horses and give them water.’

  ‘I know, the pele tower.’

  ‘Ah, yes? After that they made love there often and for a while they were guiltily happy.’

  I remembered Rafe pacing up and down upstairs in the pele tower. How miserable he must have been, loving his sister so passionately, knowing that of all loves this was the most abominable and forbidden. Had he even then been teaching himself that, as soon as the cast was off my leg, he must try to love me? Poor Rafe. And poor Isobel.

  ‘And then one day they took the risk of making love at Shottestone. Evelyn’s meeting was cancelled and she returned early, decided to check a faulty radiator or some such thing in Isobel’s room and found them in bed together.’

  I felt myself grow hot in sympathy as I imagined the horror of that moment. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Isobel did not go into detail but it was necessarily a painful scene. The short of it was that Rafe went into the army and Isobel was sent to school in Switzerland. For three years they did not meet and after that only briefly. They began to bring home boyfriends and girlfriends and Evelyn must have believed, as did Isobel herself, that the illicit passion belonged to the past. Isobel had decided that, though Rafe would always be her great love, for his sake she must give it up. All went on smoothly until Rafe was invalided from the army and came home. He was wretched. They resumed the affair. Isobel told me she felt that nothing else mattered but that he should be made better. And in that she was, I think, right.’

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘If you had spent much time in an institution for the insane you would not doubt it. Physical suffering is of course very bad, but the suffering of the mind, that is true torment. Though they made sure to be discreet, Evelyn became suspicious. She confronted them. Isobel denied it but Rafe was unable to lie. Evelyn was distraught. She even consulted your father, so worried was she about the effect on Rafe’s health.’

  ‘My father did try to warn me but I thought he was talking about Nan and Harrison Ford.’

  Conrad looked bewildered. ‘The film star? What has he to do with this?’

  ‘Never mind. What did my father say when Evelyn consulted him?’

  ‘He took the view apparently that they should be allowed to go on with it. Evelyn thought this preposterous. Her plan was that Isobel and Rafe should make suitable marriages as soon as possible, hoping that this would keep them apart and provide distraction so that the flame would eventually splutter out.’

  ‘That’s where you and I come in. Why did they agree, though?’

  ‘Rafe was easier to persuade. He knew it was his duty to provide an heir. The idea of the Shottestone estate going to strangers after their deaths was to him, as to Evelyn, a disaster. Isobel did not care so much about it, but if Rafe married then she must too, or the situation would be intolerable. So she wrote to me. Naturally Evelyn had been thinking of an English milord and not a German Jew, but in the end she came to believe I was an acceptable husband for her daughter.’

  ‘The chestnut basket had something to do with it,’ I could not resist pointing out.

  ‘True.’

  In view of this handsome admission it behoved me to be honest. ‘Actually, she thinks you’re clever and fascinating and a strong character and –’ I put down my glass – ‘well, she likes you.’ I had been on the point of saying that she liked him because he was wonderful to look at, but fortunately I remembered the horrifically embarrassing time after Vanessa’s death when I had got drunk and made an idiot of myself.

  ‘Whatever her opinion may be of me, Isobel was not the important one. Rafe disapproved of Evelyn’s choice among the neighbourhood girls. Only you pleased him. You were of lowly status—’

  ‘Hang on,’ I interrupted. ‘You make it sound as though I was born under a hedge.’

  ‘Surely you do not care about such things?’ Conrad looked surprised. ‘And anyway, what could be more delightful than a hedge? I say only what Evelyn thought. But Rafe was obstinate and insisted that if he had to marry anyone, you were the only possible candidate. Apart from your lack of lineage you were in all other ways most suitable. Good bone structure, good teeth and supremely healthy. And because Evelyn loved you personally, she accepted it and quickly came to think it most suitable.’

  I knew this to be true, so I forgave Evelyn for her willingness to condemn me to marriage with a man who was in love with someone else. And she could comfort herself with the hope that the sweets of domestic life would put an end to the inexplicable aberration of her son and daughter. Even Dimpsie, most unconventional of parents, would have been aghast to discover her children in an incestuous relationship. Evelyn, with her proud despotism and assumption of superiority, must have felt her world smashing about her ears.

  ‘They meant to be true to us,’ said Conrad. ‘They abstained from lovemaking with each other while things seemed to be going according to plan. Not until you and Rafe quarrelled did they resume it.’

  I remembered my gardening lesson. Isobel had seemed transformed, exultant, ablaze with happiness. In the buttonhole of her riding coat there had been a white rose that smelt of almonds.

  ‘I did wonder why they were all so keen on marriage. But after my rackety life, almost everyone else’s seems tidy and organized and ceremonial. Poor Evelyn.’ The noise of a log falling as it burned in two startled me. ‘What’s going to happen? I love Rafe and Isobel. Though we aren’t at all the same kind of people, I’ve known them all my life. Must they separate?’

  ‘Oh, as to that,’ Conrad bent to refill my glass but stopped at the halfway mark. I wondered if I appeared drunk. I felt as sober as I had ever been in my life. ‘There is, as we say in Germany, no need to make an elephant out of a gnat. Isobel expressed a desire to throw herself from the bridge. I said there had already been far too much of that kind of thing and I should certainly sue the family for damage to the value of my property if she did.’ He threw several more logs on the fire, making it spit and flare. ‘There is a straightforward solution. Evelyn will go away with Rex. To Paris, perhaps, or Saskatchewan. It is quite likely that she will find more real happiness than she has ever known. Rafe and Isobel will continue to live at Shottestone. Though they loved each other right under our noses, neither you nor others suspected. Kingsley will stay in the house and be taken care of by Miss Strangward. She is not intelligent. Provided they are discreet, I doubt if she will suspect an affair between the young master and the young mistress. As you so graphically said, it would not have occurred to you in a million years.’

  ‘But Conrad … you mean they’ll go on living together as lovers?’

  ‘Why not? Incest is generally considered the last taboo, but there have always been societies that permitted it. In the New Kingdom of Ancient Egypt, in ancient Hawaii and Pre-Columbian Mixtec it was considered highly desirable for brothers and sisters to marry in order to hold together the riches of a dynasty. Between father and daughter or mother and son there is likely to be an element of what lawyers call undue coercion, but between adults of the same generation I see no objection. Who will be hurt by it?’

  ‘Well, no one.’ Now he had shown it in such a reasonable light, I saw it was not th
e disaster I had first thought. ‘But supposing she gets pregnant?’

  ‘As to that, it is no use to put a lid on the well once the infant has fallen in. Isobel made this last attempt to persuade me to marry her because she is expecting Rafe’s child.’

  I gasped. ‘No! Oh dear, how awful!’

  ‘You make a drama out of nothing. If there were a genetic disorder in the family of course it would be unfortunate, but as it is they are as likely as any other couple to produce a healthy child. There has been much exaggeration of the possibility of defects in order to deter the practice. Inbreeding is a reduction in genetic diversity, but animal breeders consistently use it to develop a trait that is thought desirable. In animals it is considered unwise to proceed beyond eight generations of sibling matings. Is it likely that there will be eight generations of incestuous Prestons? No. Rafe and Isobel’s baby will grow up to mate with an Eskimo or some such different gene pool and no one will be any the wiser.’

  I was impressed by Conrad’s ability to see beyond accepted moral codes. ‘Won’t people wonder who the father is?’

  ‘She will inform anyone who is interested that the child is mine. I shall make a gift of this house to the baby, which will confirm everyone in their thoughts that, though I behaved badly in inseminating Isobel without marrying her, at least I recognized a part of my financial responsibilities.’

  ‘Conrad!’ I tried to find the right words to praise his generosity. ‘That’s a magnificent thing to do—’

  He turned away from me to walk to the window where he stood between the streaming curtains and gazed into the darkness. ‘Isobel loves this house and she will take care of it for the sake of the baby.’

  If Isobel did not, she must be the most ungrateful girl living, I reflected. I looked around the room at the wall paintings, the decorated columns, the great hearth, the graceful furniture, the balcony that gave one such a strong feeling of connection with Nature and felt the pain of separation. Hindleep had come to be the place I loved most in the world. Its character was by turns stimulating and soothing, like the best kind of friend. Here I had been able to be more myself than anywhere.

  ‘Won’t you miss Hindleep? I know I’m going to.’

  ‘I expect so. But there are other houses. I had anyway planned to go away. I never stay in one place for long. In fact I leave for the airport in –’ he looked at his watch – ‘seven hours.’

  He was going away again. My hopes, which had been encouraged to drift upwards by degrees during the course of our conversation, dropped as though they had been clapped in irons. They sank so fast and so deep that I felt quite ill, as though I had been injected with a deadly contagion, making my pulse feverish and my skin clammy. I remembered that he disliked scenes and women crying, so he would certainly not like it if I were sick. I forced myself to smile. It felt from inside like one of those grins Buster gave Rafe when he was being scolded. My lips were dry against my teeth and I was showing far too many of them. But I had spent my life in pursuit of feeling and I could not change myself on the spot into someone guarded and self controlled. Conrad looked at me and frowned. He, of course, was a past master of disguising what he was thinking.

  ‘Will you be away long?’

  ‘Perhaps.’

  ‘Where are you going?’ My voice broke on the ‘going’. It quavered and came out very high. I took up the towel and began to dry my feet, shaking my hair over my face.

  ‘To Copenhagen. The Royal Danish ballet are performing Scheherazade and I am to review it.’

  Copenhagen! My geography was weak but I knew enough to know it was across seas and continents. One of each anyway. Time, the mean thing, was rushing by, and there was so little of it. I became aware that a great silence had fallen. I heard the shriek of a vixen far below the house.

  ‘Come with me,’ said Conrad. I looked up in time to see something like a tremor cross his face. The tremor, which was gone in an instant, was telling nonetheless. A gust of wind blew a breath of night into the room, redolent of the forest and the lake, and with it came courage.

  ‘What about Wednesday’s performance of Ilina and the Scarlet Riband?’

  ‘I can bring you back by then.’

  ‘I haven’t got a ticket.’

  ‘You will not need one. I’m travelling by private plane.’

  ‘I thought you disliked needless extravagances.’

  ‘This is not a jet staffed by thousands but a small twin-propeller Cessna, piloted by me.’

  ‘You know how to fly?’

  ‘I should not be taking off in –’ he looked at his watch – ‘six hours and fifty-five minutes’ time if I didn’t.’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’

  ‘You trust me to fly you safely?’

  I took a deep breath and pretended I was about to dance a difficult pas de deux. ‘If you’re going to die, I want to die with you.’

  He stopped pacing. ‘Marigold.’ His eyes grew soft. In three strides he was by my side. He took my hands and drew me up so I was standing within the circle of his arm. We looked intently into each other’s faces. So quickly had it been done, after all.

  He traced the outline of my mouth with his finger. ‘I ask myself why it is that it has been so difficult … so very difficult to attempt to make love to you. And I can come up with only one answer.’ His cheekbones were miraculous. ‘I believe even in that terrible train carriage I was in danger of feeling something that I wished to resist with all my might. You were disruptive of my peace in more ways than I cared to acknowledge. And then you were so frequently engaged to other men.’

  ‘Well, you were engaged to … oh, no you weren’t. But I wasn’t to know that.’

  His wonderful eyes were close to mine now. The curve of his lower lids was perhaps the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He lifted one of my hands to kiss it. He took a handful of my hair and kissed that. Then he kissed my mouth. I put everything I had into that kiss. I wanted to show him that, if he would love me, I would devote everything to his happiness. There was nothing I would not do for him. I would give up dancing so he could go on being Didelot. He alone was joy, hope, comfort, solace, meat and drink to me. All this I put into that kiss.

  ‘Marigold!’ He rested his cheek against my temple. ‘Mein Gott! I do not mean to complain when I say it has been hard. I played the charade with Isobel because of you. Then I went away because I was afraid of revealing myself. I waited to hear that you had finally broken with Rafe but Fritz, though he kept me informed of laundry bills and grocery lists, could tell me nothing of that. I decided it was better to stay away so you could give your mind to dancing.’

  ‘I’ll willingly give it up for good if—’

  ‘No! This will be the last time I am Didelot. Can you think, you ridiculous girl, that I would allow you to abandon it now? Besides, I am about to put a great deal of money into the Lenoir Ballet Company. And it is because I believe they have a great dancer in the making.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Of course you.’

  ‘Honestly?’

  ‘Didelot never lies. Conrad occasionally – only for excellent reasons – but Didelot’s whole purpose is to speak candidly without consideration for feelings, for reputation, for money or for advantage of any kind.’

  I tried to think clearly what all this portended for me, but my brain was making a hash of it. ‘Sebastian’s terribly resistant to interference.’

  ‘He agrees with me. He said as much when I talked to him after Giselle. He thought by marrying you it would be the cheapest way to keep you in the company.’

  ‘Of course I knew he wasn’t in love with me. And he never pretended he was.’

  ‘That would give too much power to you. Besides, it is in Lenoir’s character to enjoy giving pain rather than pleasure.’

  It was certainly not in Conrad’s character. I knew by now that he was extremely tender-hearted and just as strongly hated to let this be seen. An idea came to me then that ought to have occurred to me
long ago.

  ‘When he came here, did you suggest then that you might put money into the company? Was that why he agreed not to make trouble between Rafe and me? And all that stuff Golly told me about only being able to see me in the part of Ilina … it was you who persuaded her to give it to me, wasn’t it?’

  I tried to look at his face but he held me tightly to him so I couldn’t.

  ‘It would not have been possible had she not believed in my good opinion of your talent. However much I wanted to kiss you as I have done just now, I should not have risked humiliating either her or you.’

  ‘It isn’t possible that you can love me half as much as I love you.’

  ‘You think not? Let me show you.’

  ‘Conrad, what shall I do about clothes? Everything I’ve got that’s halfway decent is at Shottestone.’

  ‘It does not matter. We can buy things in Copenhagen. We can go to a theatrical costumier.’

  ‘Don’t you want me to wear proper clothes?’

  ‘I like the way you dress. In fact I insist on making love to you dressed as a swan. You, that is, not me.’

  I stopped in mid-laughter to groan. ‘I’ve just remembered! My passport’s in my luggage at Leaping Dog Lane. My landlady always bolts the door and she won’t be up until half-past seven. Oh, Conrad! I can’t bear not to go with you!’

  ‘Ach!’ He looked despairing. ‘What shall we do? I might try to bribe a customs official?’

  ‘You mustn’t do that! You’d be arrested! I know because Orlando tried once to slip a customs officer a ten-pound note so he’d let him bring in a temple jar full of human bones. He’d bought it from this man who was selling off his ancestors so he could buy a television. Sebastian had to get a terribly expensive lawyer in to prevent Orlando being carried off immediately to jail.’