Beautiful to Me

by E. L. Tenenbaum

  Cigny and Callan found me first thing the next morning, each clamoring to be heard over the other in their burning curiosity to know what had transpired between the sea witch and myself. My account was met with dumb, wide-eyed silence.

  “You’re not really going?” Callan spoke first.

  “I believe I am,” I replied.

  “Why?” Cigny demanded. “Sienna won’t even know who you are.”

  “Cigny!” Callan chided.

  “What?” she defended herself. “You know I’m right.”

  She was—she really was—and yet…“It’s just something I feel like I should do,” I tried to explain. “And I can come back anytime. Sienna only has little more than a year, anyway.”

  “I don’t believe this!” Cigny exclaimed. “Tatiana’s using you for something she doesn’t have the guts to do herself.”

  “Cigny!” Callan chided again, immediately looking left and right for squids.

  “You know I’m right,” she repeated.

  Cigny wasn’t exactly being tactful, but I couldn’t be upset with her for speaking the truth neither Callan nor myself dared say. Actually, I was rather touched at her reaction as it showed how much she valued me as a friend. Her indignation at my perceived mistreatment was one of the nicest gestures ever afforded me, especially as Tatiana hadn’t been subtle in suggesting I was chosen because I was less valuable and therefore more dispensable. Even my parents hadn’t been offended enough to be angry when I told them.

  “We must do what is right for the kingdom,” my father had solemnly intoned.

  “It is rather an honor you were chosen to bring our Sienna home,” my mother had agreed.

  Neither of them wondered what would be if I couldn’t persuade Sienna to return to her old life. Neither of them wondered what would be if I didn’t return either. I didn’t even bother mentioning the part about a potential war.

  “We’ll still be able to see each other,” I reassured Cigny.

  “You don’t know that,” she replied. “Besides, how are you supposed to swim without a tail?”

  “We’ll have to stay closer to the surface,” Callan offered.

  Cigny shook her nose at us. Even the perpetual smile on her face seemed sad. “It won’t be the same,” she insisted.

  “It won’t,” I agreed. “But this isn’t about either of us, it’s about Sienna and the future of Merdom.”

  “Isn’t it always?” she asked bitterly.

  She didn’t bother waiting for an answer. The words had hardly left her mouth when she turned and swam away. Callan offered me an apologetic look before chasing after his sister. I wasn’t sure how much longer I had as a mermaid, and I certainly didn’t want anything to take away from our remaining time together. Still, I didn’t have the strength to chase after them.

  As I watched them swim away, I prayed they would be there for me when the time came. Upon retrospection, there was some irony in wanting my friends with me, even as I was saying goodbye to my home in the sea. I wasn’t just afraid to go through this alone, I was also slightly terrified of how much would change within me when I traded in my tail for a pair of legs. The sea witch had reassured me that I would always remain a mermaid, but the reality of it was introducing new levels of fear. After all, hadn’t I just seen what having a pair of legs had done to Sienna? What made Tatiana so certain I would be safe?

  As it turned out, I was right to worry.

  The First Attempt

  The squids came over a week later, the same polite two as before. They brought a little clam pouch containing a small purple vial and a note whose letters only formed once I opened it.

  My instructions were to wait for sunrise of the next day, then swim to the shore marked on the map that would form on the back. Once there, I was to drink the contents of the vial and wait until my transformation was complete. Soon as my feet were under me, I was to head for the nearest road and then… I turned the note over and over, rubbed my fingers across the surface, breathed on the letters, but no further instruction appeared, the note just abruptly ended. The squids were of little help, as they’d already swum away, and I wasn’t about to chase after them.

  It wasn’t very reassuring, but I figured that if Tatiana wanted to save Sienna so much she was sending another mermaid after her, surely there was some sort of plan in place, and the details would be revealed in good time. I watched the map slowly form from the ink that was once the letters of the note. The marked spot was along an empty stretch of shore not far from the prince’s palace. Tatiana was even kind enough to include the nearest road in the rough sketch. Two large Xs. That was it.

  I studied the map a long time and later swam to the surface to mentally prepare myself for the day, or perhaps days on the surface, to follow. I’d have to sneak my way into the human palace somehow, and once Sienna saw me, she would certainly realize how desperate the situation was and agree to return with me to the sea.

  I had no idea then just how long my life above water would be.

  I bid my parents farewell that night, not wishing to cloud my mind with regret, nostalgia, or emotion in the morning when I needed it clear for the task ahead. My mother, my father, then both together enveloped me in a crushing embrace.

  “Keep your wits about you up there,” Mother advised. “It won’t be long before we see you again.”

  It was nice of her to have the confidence I wasn’t feeling. I hoped her faith would be enough to help me succeed.

  “Be safe,” Father added, with an affectionate chuck under my chin.

  I nodded to them, not quite sure what else to say. They were good parents, nice parents even, but sometimes I feared they were blind to the type of mermaid their daughter was. My mother often called me beautiful, even though I wore a netted shirt to cover a frame no other mermaid had. My father often called me smart, even though I never did well enough in school to outshine my peers despite my curious mind. They didn’t notice that I wasn’t noticed. They were too certain in themselves, too subservient to the kingdom, to consider that perhaps their daughter wasn’t the kind of mermaid who received the accolades and attentions they did. They looked at me and truly didn’t see any difference. It was a wonderful thing, except I sometimes felt they never saw me, never really knew me, as I truly was.

  I drifted about my room after that, picking up and putting down the few things I had collected over the years. I wondered if there was anything I ought to take with me, some memento of the sea to keep beside me so I wouldn’t forget where I’d come from or what I was about. I scoffed at the idea soon as it formed. There was no way I could ever forget the sea. And why take a piece with if I was already part of it and always would be, too. That was all the comfort I’d ever need.

  Unable to sleep much, I soon made my way down to the castle gardens, floating without hurry through the little plots we cultivated. I stopped beside Sienna’s and gazed at it a while. It was overgrown, the design needed care, but the marble statue of the little boy was still clearly visible. A white specter standing above the disrepair below it, a white specter that heard too much of the foolish dreams of the one who had put it there.

  I followed the gardens down until I found my plot tucked into a back corner hardly visited by others, the dolphins I had coaxed to rise through song joyously leaping toward the surface. I caressed their heads, their mouths, their fins, the sharp pain in my heart a reminder that I would be in a strange place without my friends. Instead of crying, I began to sing, a low, wordless melody that bespoke the roiling of my emotions. The dolphins responded to my voice, their flukes propelling them ever upward, their pectoral fins slapping once, twice, as if they were about to break away and never stop swimming until they bounded, carefree, above the surface.

  Even after my voice faded away, I didn’t leave the gardens. I stayed the rest of the night, spending my last few hours underwater with my friends, even if they weren’t really there.

  The next morning, I quietly slipped away from the castle, aiming
for the mark on the map, the vial from Tatiana clutched firmly in my grasp. I had barely broken the surface and turned my gaze toward shore, when I was startled by sudden splashing and puffs of mist. Two pink-bellied bottlenose dolphins were skimming the ocean beside me.

  “You came!” I couldn’t help but squeal, nearly dropping the vial in my overeager attempt to encircle both Cigny and Callan in a heartfelt embrace.

  “Just to make sure that vial does what it’s supposed to,” Callan said gruffly.

  Cigny said nothing, but that didn’t stop me from planting a kiss just above each of their dorsal fins, causing Callan’s pink belly to deepen in color. We swam the rest of the way in silence, yet—for the first time since the squids sought me out—my heart sang, if only just a little. I was scared, apprehensive, even doubtful, but those things didn’t seem as frightening when I had a friend on either side of me. As it was early morning, the day was still quiet and clear, the sun just inching above the horizon as we swam closer and closer to shore. I’ll admit to being impressed with the colors the sun lent the sky, but I was too focused then to appreciate the world I was soon to be part of.

  We passed the prince’s palace and swam a little more until we reached the partially deserted spit of land Tatiana had marked on the map. For their own safety, Cigny and Callan had to stay back, but both watched from a distance while I rode the waves the rest of the way and clumsily flopped onto shore. Without allowing time for second guessing, I popped the cork and downed the vial from the sea witch, nearly choking on its contents and wondering how it could possibly taste worse than the snack I’d been served in her lair.

  I lay back and waited for the magic to take hold.

  At first I felt nothing but the rising sun, then a sudden burning pain took hold of my tail as if a shark was trying to wrench it off my spine. I tried not to yell out but couldn’t help it as the pain increased and I reached wildly for my convulsing tail. But instead of the glittering scales I’d known all my life, my hands grabbed hold of two limbs that felt very much like larger versions of my arms.

  Clenching my teeth against the pain, I dared peek down to see the legs the sea witch had given me. They were covered in too-white skin like my arms, their length was moderate, their shape tolerable. Daring to take in the rest of myself, I saw how my scales had become a tattered skirt of sorts and my netted shirt had closed much of its gaps, though it still looked very much worse for wear.

  The searing heat in my legs continued, and thinking of no other solution, I dragged myself to the sea and dunked them into the cool waters. Only then was I able to stand, slowly, carefully, and wave to Cigny and Callan, signaling that I was all right even though I really wasn’t. I looked at my bare feet in the water, wiggled my toes as I tried them on for size. I had never wanted to be human, never wanted to look as they did, but these feet were interesting things indeed.

  Still in the cooling water, I turned to take in my surroundings. The prince’s palace was close enough to be almost fully visible from where I stood, the smoke rising from an unseen chimney indication that the day was beginning for those within. Those like the servants, the prince…and Sienna.

  Pulling my eyes away from the palace, I found the location of the second X. The small strip of shore I had landed on was more of a short embankment rolling away from the designated road, the only thing separating it from the sea. With my eyes, I followed it as best I could in either direction and soon assumed that it came from the palace and led to, well, anywhere. The rest rounded a bend and disappeared somewhere in a cluster of trees not too far off.

  I turned back to the sea once more for comfort, and for the first time realized how gentle the rocking of the waves was from above, how much the water glittered under the shining sun. A small, sad smile tugged at the corner of my lips, and I soon set it free. My home was beautiful from within and without.

  Taking a deep breath, I refocused on my destination, and commanding the full use of my senses and attentions, concentrated on walking for the very first time. Hesitantly, I raised a leg, high, too high I now realize, and plunged it into the sand away from the water.

  A cry ripped from me the moment I did. True to the sea witch’s warning, the sand that was so soft beneath my fingers was rows of shark’s teeth beneath my foot. I clamped my mouth shut and tried with my other foot, lifting it up and forward into the sand to equal results. I exhaled a frustrated breath and tallied forward, fervently praying the sea witch had spoken true when she’d said my pain wouldn’t last long. I can’t even fathom how Sienna suffered through it day after day.

  I pushed myself to keep walking, but the pain was so great, black spots soon appeared in my vision. Still, I pressed forward, all sound receding to a hum, all sight narrowing to the patch of sand my aching feet bravely navigated. They felt like they were bleeding, though there were no cuts to bleed from, and each step rubbed a fresh handful of salt into my imagined open wounds. I could hardly breathe at that point, my lungs only able to push out abbreviated puffs of air, my heart scrambling to get hold of its dragging beat.

  Finally, finally, I made it to the road, the packed dirt a welcome sight from the tiny pebbles just behind me. By then, the pain from my feet was so great, I was numb, blind with agony, my mind refusing to comprehend, my body refusing to feel. I swayed precariously, certain I was about to collapse, almost wishing I could no longer feel the scalding of my feet. I really wanted to sit down and never walk again.

  As it turned out, I didn’t have much time for wishing, because scarcely had my bedraggled body staggered its way to the road, then it was harshly flung to the ground without warning as the next detail of the sea witch’s plan fell into place. For the moment I stepped onto the road, I was hit head-on by a carriage I didn’t see coming.

  My eyes fluttered open moments later to a flock of concerned faces and a single ray of sun intent on searing my eyes. I closed them quickly, my mind feeling like a ship teasingly tossed about by playful waves. Slowly, slowly, my senses came back to me. I heard the distant chirping of birds, the slight rustle of wind dancing in the trees, the concerned whispers right above me. I felt the sun on my face and the hard earth beneath my body. I reminded myself of where I was and why and forced the frolicking in my mind to calm. Then I opened my eyes.

  “She’s awake!” came an immediately relieved cry, the words slicing sharply through the air that lacked the familiar cushion of water.

  I sought out the source of the voice and found it belonged to a young lady, a royal looking one no less, dressed in a lovely green gown with a gem studded bodice. Her deep black eyes pulled at a memory lost somewhere in my still-clouded mind. Her brow was drawn tight in worry, her skin was tinted brown by the sun, her pretty face framed by darling brown-almost-black ringlets.

  “Are you all right? Can you hear me?” she asked in a gentle voice with a melodic accent, her small hand searching my forehead, my hand for some confirmation.

  My tongue was thick and heavy in my throat; I could hardly lift it to speak. I’d never felt that way before and wondered at the new sensation. I opened my mouth to reassure everyone that they needn’t fuss over me, but only a dry rasping came out.

  “Some water,” the girl commanded, and within moments I was propped up by a pair of servants, one of whom raised a flask to my lips.

  Gently, he propped my mouth open and very carefully tilted some of the contents inside. The cool sensation of liquid sliding down my throat instantly calmed me. This is what it feels like for a human to drink, I thought. This is what it feels like when a human needs drink. This is what it feels like to live outside of water. I thought it rather dry and uncomfortable.

  The liquid revived me somewhat, and I soon waved away the servants to prove I could sit on my own. They backed up, but not much, their hands remaining at the ready should I sway in the slightest.

  Taking in the faces around me, I noticed a rather burly looking man anxiously twisting his cap in his hands. He looked to be beside himself, the constant screwi
ng up of his face and deep inhales of breath proof he was fighting to bring himself under control. I would soon learn he was the coachman who’d knocked me off my feet and into the arms of my future. I tentatively offered him a reassuring smile.

  “Where am I?” I managed to ask.

  “Castarre,” one of the servants replied, softly rolling the Rs at the end so it took a moment to decipher what he’d said.

  “Castarre?” I finally echoed.

  “Capital of Maridonia,” he elaborated, rolling the R once more.

  “Maridonia,” I repeated, trying to sound like I was finding grounding in the knowledge instead of just learning the names for the first time.

  Aside from the two men beside me, there were another four men on horseback, their bodies covered in sheets of metal, swords on their hips, a bow and quiver of arrows slung across their horses. There were two older women as well, well dressed, but not quite as well as the young lady, who looked to be just a few years my senior. It was quite clear she was in charge of this little group.

  One of the metal men slid down from his horse and approached the lady with a bow.

  “If it pleases Her Highness, I will escort the girl back to the village,” he said.

  I blinked over at him. It took me some time to realize he was talking about me, and not just because my head was still fuzzy. Then I realized what he was saying and forced my head to shake in protest. I couldn’t go to a village, I needed to get into the palace. I also registered the title he’d given this girl so turned my most beseeching gaze upon her.

  Off my look, the princess asked, “You don’t wish to go to the village?”

  I shook my head again.

  The princess gave me a kind smile and pressed forward, “Can you tell me where you’re from? We’d be happy to escort you back home.”

  I stared at her dumbly, my mind scrambling for a way to answer her question. Seeking to buy time, I raised a hand to my head and rubbed my temples, inwardly hurrying to get my story in order. I couldn’t very well tell her I’d just emerged from the sea. What had Sienna said when they’d first found her?