The Journal: Ash Fall

by Moore, Deborah D.

  Jason frowned. “I know, Mom, just in case John comes back.” He let out a big sigh. “I suppose we could have everyone come here. Would that be okay?”

  * * *

  At four o’clock, people started showing up. Somehow I thought it would be just the boys, Bob and Kathy, maybe Guy and Dawn. Soon, Anna was here, and Pastor Carolyn, Dr. Mark, Joshua and Martha, plus Ken and Karen and a few more. It seemed that half the town turned out for my birthday.

  Bob and Kathy had loaded up two long banquet tables from the church into Bob’s pickup truck, under the supervision of Carolyn of course, and now were setting them up around the side yard, which Eric had freshly mowed. Thankfully the power had come back on during the night and Jason ran an extension cord over to the tables to keep the hot food hot.

  Kathy shoved a glass in my hand and filled it with a deep ruby liquid. I took a sip. Wine was a real treat. What I had was rationed for special occasions and I didn’t feel this qualified.

  “If you won’t come to the party, the party comes to you.” She grinned. “Happy birthday, my friend!” She gave me a fierce hug. Just then Chivas came bounding across the road. To my surprise and delight, she stopped at the edge of the road, and actually looked both ways before launching into a full speed run, right to Kathy. Eric must be doing some serious training with that dog.

  “Thank you,” I replied to my best friend, returning her smile. “I really didn’t expect so many people.”

  One of the tables was filling up with pot-luck dishes and serving utensils. Lawn chairs sprouted up all over the yard as more people arrived. Kathy was now so engrossed with the puppy that it was easy for me to mingle.

  I sought out Pastor Carolyn to give her MaryEllen’s request. Perhaps she would know someone going to town soon.

  “As a matter of fact, I’m heading there tomorrow to do some parish work at the hospital. I’ll take her in. It’s sad to see so many leaving this town, Allexa. Last count on Sunday was only twenty people. How can we survive with so few?”

  “I don’t know, Carolyn, maybe it will be easier with fewer.” I shrugged my shoulders and moved off.

  “Can I steal a minute or two of your time, Allexa?” Dr. Mark asked, most pleasantly, when I reached where he was sitting.

  “Of course, Mark, and thank you for coming to my party.” I looked around and continued, “I am overwhelmed by this turnout!” There really weren’t too many vehicles parked on the road, as many had doubled or tripled up on rides to save gas.

  “Um, where’s John?” Mark asked casually.

  “I’m not sure,” I answered. “He’s overdue.”

  “How did you know about Martha?” he asked suddenly.

  I truly was confused. “What do you mean?” I asked, sitting down at the picnic table.

  “My initial exam of her indicated progressing heart failure. Not unusual for someone her age, but she also had dizziness, mental confusion and muscle cramps that seemed to be something else, something I couldn’t verify without bloodwork.”

  At first I didn’t know what he was getting at, and then it struck me. “It was the salt, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes, it was a Renin secretion and it completely got past me! What made you think of it?”

  “Joshua brought over some milk and cheese. We’re trading my eggs and bread for his dairy,” I explained. “When I tasted the cheese it was bland. I asked him about it and he said they had run out of salt months earlier and he was now making the cheese without it. I know that salt is a very important mineral to the human body. Most of the time we get too much of it in all the processed foods we eat, but most of us haven’t had any of those foods for almost eight months. It was a wild guess that that just might have something to do with what was ailing Martha, and if it wasn’t, they still needed it.”

  “Well, Allexa, that little observation likely saved Martha’s life, or at the very least, gave her a few more years.” Mark gave me a curious smile. “Just look at her, she’s doing fine now.” Martha was a whirlwind of activity, helping set out the food, socializing, and apparently having a good time.

  “While we’re on the subject of Martha, I’ve been meaning to ask you what is this business about Joshua’s goat?” I asked. “I neither need nor want a goat, however, I had to accept it or they wouldn’t have let you come out to examine Martha.” I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to answer. When he didn’t say anything, I went on. “So what is it you want to barter with me for your payment from the Beals?”

  “I’ll think of something. First I’d like to ask you something else, but a bit more privately, if you don’t mind,” Mark requested. “Can we walk a bit?”

  I stood without saying anything, wondering what was on his mind.

  Further down the driveway, he asked, “How are you dealing with the events of the attack, Allexa?”

  “There are times I get a bit shaky and my stomach gets queasy when I see the bodies and blood in my head. Then I get angry that this happened. I haven’t felt the regret or the guilt yet, though I have felt a level of remorse that it happened at all. This is much like what I felt after the Harris incident.” I stopped and looked at the man beside me. “Normal so far, doc?” I offered a tentative smile.

  He gave me a warm smile in return, his eyes searching my face. “You’re dealing with this remarkably well, Allexa. PTSD can be very difficult.”We had walked all the way down the back loop of the driveway during our chat, and had just turned to walk back, when Mark stopped short.

  “That must be your new greenhouse! Amanda has told me about it. Can I see it, please?” he asked enthusiastically, completely changing the subject.

  “Absolutely. It’s not completely finished inside, though. I’m still adding a few touches.” I opened the door and stepped in, Mark followed too close behind me.

  I showed him what I had planted in the herb beds, giving them a light watering as I explained the “whys” of what I had done. In the next grow bed the radish was now three inches tall and showing signs of thickening into bulbs. The green beans I planted at the same time were pushing through the soil, which greatly pleased me.

  “The fish pond,” he stated simply, gazing at the gurgling water. The lilies had survived the transplant, though they were looking a bit peaked. Mark’s focus lingered on the statue of the miner in the corner as I tossed the fish a handful of bread crumbs from a bowl I’m keeping there for the kids. The little fish splashed as they snatched the food floating on the surface.

  “Over in these two grow boxes I plan on a couple of tomatoes and pepper plants that I’ll dig up in the fall. I’d like to see how long I can keep them producing.” I turned to see if Mark was listening, and he was so close I bumped into him. He gently held my shoulders, pulling me closer, looked longingly into my eyes and then lowered his mouth to mine for a gentle but searing kiss. My traitorous body responded instantly and I leaned into him, returning the passionate kiss. I bunched his shirt in my fists to keep myself from exploring his muscular chest.

  I stepped back, breaking the contact. We were both breathing hard.

  “What am I doing?” I said aloud and I pushed against his hard body, fleeing out the door.

  * * *

  “Are you okay?” Kathy asked, giving me an odd look.

  “I’m fine,” I replied too quickly. Looking for a diversion, I spotted the food table. There were bowls of pasta salad and baked beans, deviled eggs I’m sure came from Martha, and cookies. “I’m surprised at all this food, Kath. How are people managing this?” Before she could reply, Eric and Emilee came across the road, pulling a wagon loaded with chilled beer. He’s obviously been busy brewing!

  * * *

  Everyone had left and the yard was cleaned up by eight o’clock. I was once again left alone.

  It’s the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. The sun was hanging low in the fading blue sky, and still had more than an hour before setting. I took my final glass of wine to the greenhouse and sat by the pond, letting the
bubbling water soothe my jangled nerves. I did not want to think about Mark’s kiss or how it had affected me. I had told John I wasn’t attracted to the doctor…

  I hadn’t lied to John, I had lied to myself.

  CHAPTER 20

  June 23

  I had just poured my first cup of coffee when I heard a truck pull into the driveway. Curious, I stepped outside, after slipping the Kel Tec into my pocket.

  The white truck with the green logo had just come to a stop. I stood on the bottom step, clutching my coffee cup. John was back!

  He wearily got out of the cab and walked around to the back, grabbing his bag. When he headed toward the house, he finally looked up and saw me standing there.

  I set my cup down on the step, and he dropped his battered bag where he was standing.

  “You look tired,” I said, breaking the silence.

  “I am,” John replied. “I’ve been driving for almost twenty-four hours.” He took several long steps and reached out for me, crushing me against his chest.

  “I’ve been so worried, John,” I whimpered, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  “It’s been a nightmare clusterfuck,” he said, with just an edge of anger. “Is there more coffee?”

  John never swore anymore, so I knew this had to have been a very frustrating time for him. When I was seeing him and Sven at the Eagle Beach house, the other miners from his crew were always around and trying to unwind from the day. The language got very rough at times. It was just the way it was and I tended to ignore it. Now, John always was careful of what he said since Emilee or Jacob might be around.

  “After I talked to you on Tuesday, I waited at the Louisville airport for the next flight. I slept on the bench nearest the departure gate so I wouldn’t miss the loading call,” John told me. “Late that night, there was a full plane and we finally made it to Green Bay. That’s when everything fell apart.” He ran his hands across his bald head, and the familiar gesture warmed my heart. “The power went out across four states, and I was stuck in the airport with a dead cellphone and no electricity to recharge it.”

  “The power was out here too, until yesterday,” I said, not wanting to interrupt his story. I wanted to know what took him so long to get back.

  “Without electricity to run everything, no planes could land – or take off.” He took a sip of coffee, closing his eyes in appreciation. “They kept telling us it wouldn’t be long, it wouldn’t be long, but nothing changed. I finally decided I’d be better off renting a car and driving back to Sawyer, but the rental agencies couldn’t run without power either.” He looked at me in exasperation. “How did things run smoothly before there was such dependence on electricity? Everyone seems incapable of making a decision without a blasted computer in front of them!”

  “The disadvantages of progress. What did you do?”

  “I flagged down a taxi, one of those minivan units and paid the guy cash to drive me to Sawyer so I could get the truck. I was exhausted and slept for a couple of hours while he drove. When we hit the Wisconsin-Michigan border, there was a four hour wait to get passed through the checkpoint. Then it was another hour to get through the inspection and questioning.”

  I’d made the trip by car before, from Moose Creek to Green Bay, and knew how long it could be under normal conditions. Now things were far from normal, and may never be again.

  “I also don’t have a car-charger for the phone, so I couldn’t call. Larry offered his phone, however, I don’t know your number. It’s programmed in so I never bothered to memorize it, and I couldn’t retrieve it without it being on! Do you know how frustrating that is?” He finished his coffee and I poured him another cup.

  “Traffic was bad. It wasn’t until we hit Escanaba that I realized without power none of the traffic lights were working. I will say that most everyone was being polite and cautious at all the intersections, although there were still accidents that blocked many of the roads. The delays were maddening!

  “It was hours before we pulled into Sawyer, and then I couldn’t get out of the lot because the automated toll booth didn’t work, and there was no one around at five in the morning.”

  “How did you finally get out?”

  “It’s a truck. I drove over the curb.” John grinned. “I really wish I could have called to let you know I was on my way, Allex. I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “I was very worried, John. You’re back now, and that’s what counts.” I was very relieved that he was back safely.

  “I missed your birthday,” he lamented. “I have something for you, but I want to do this right and I’m exhausted. Do you mind waiting just a few hours more?”

  John took a long hot shower, and then slept for six hours.

  While he was sleeping, I made a fresh batch of bread, cheesy tomato, his favorite. Then I got a jar of chicken and diced it, along with some hard boiled eggs and onions fresh from the garden, mixing it all with homemade mayonnaise to make chicken salad sandwiches for when he woke up. I knew he had to be hungry.

  * * *

  “Oh, that really hit the spot! I didn’t realize how hungry I was,” John said, finishing off a second sandwich and one of the beers Eric had left behind.

  “I really am relieved you’re back, John. I’ve missed you,” I said. “How was the visit with your daughter. Christine, right? And your mom? I imagine they were disappointed it was so short.”

  “Yes, they were, and they were very understanding about it.”

  I couldn’t help but think he looked nervous about something and it filled me with trepidation. Maybe I didn’t want to know, yet I had to.

  “What’s the matter, John?” I asked quietly, reaching for his hand as he drummed his fingers on the table.

  He stood up suddenly and started pacing. Then he stopped in front of me, knelt down so we were eye to eye. He looked like he had just swallowed a lemon wedge. Sideways.

  “Will you marry me?” he asked, producing a small ring box.

  I was stunned. How many times had I thought about hearing those words? And now, was filled with doubt. I smiled to cover the chaos in my thoughts.

  “John … I-I love you and there is no one I’d rather be with than you, except, well, we’ve both been married before, and we both know it didn’t work. That piece of paper seems to say it’s okay to stop trying. Then complacency sets in and relationships fall apart. Without that legality, we continue to try and to work on being a good partner. Let’s give this some more thought.” He looked crestfallen. “With all the pain and chaos going on, I need something to stay the same, John. We’re together and we have such a good thing going, why change it?”

  Just then Emilee burst through the door and threw herself at John.

  “Grandpa John! You’re back!” she squealed, giving him a hug. “Nahna’s been very worried about you. She hasn’t said so, but I know she has, I can tell.”

  John slipped the ring box back in his pocket.

  June 24

  “I want you to see what progress I’ve made with the greenhouse, John,” I told him over morning coffee.

  “Sure,” he said quietly. He rinsed his cup and put it in the sink.

  John had been very distracted and distant since yesterday. He was leaving this afternoon for the Green Way house so he can get the needed sleep to be up at four o’clock tomorrow morning, when they all readied themselves for the first morning shift.

  We took the outside path to the greenhouse. The warm late morning breeze lifted my hair away from my face and dried the sweat from my neck. It was going to be a splendid day.

  “Wow, you’ve been busy,” John commented as he looked around at all the new plants and sprouts.

  “You like it?” I asked. I really want him to feel part of this, and not just because he paid for it.

  “I love it,” he replied, turning to me. “And I love you. I think you’re right too. We don’t need vows to be happy and together.”

  “Thank you, John. I knew you’d understand once yo
u thought about it. It’s not to say we can’t change our minds in the future, just that right now I do feel this is best.” I gave him a long hug.

  “Let’s go look at the main garden. Things are really coming up now. I’ve got good feelings about this year’s garden, and I think there will be plenty to can even after feeding all of us over the next few months.”

  Just when we opened the electrified garden gate, a roll of thunder sounded off to the west.

  “Guess I won’t have to water today,” I laughed. So much for a splendid weather day.

  * * *

  While out in the garden area, John let the chickens out into their second yard. The seeding of the two yards was working really well, even though one of the younger hens had found a way to sneak past the gate and get into yard that was still growing. We left the gates open so they could get back under cover when the rain started.

  The overhead clouds were bunching quickly in ever darkening clusters, and more thunder met us. When the first flash of lightning cracked across the sky, we headed back to the house.

  * * *

  “It’s time for me to go…” John looked longingly at me. “I seem to be always saying that, don’t I?”

  “You’ve always come back, and that’s what counts,” I replied and gave him a quick kiss. He climbed in the truck just as the sky opened and the warm rain pounded the dry ground.

  CHAPTER 21

  JOURNAL ENTRY: June 25

  It’s been twenty-four hours and the rain hasn’t stopped. The cistern started overflowing yesterday evening and now the chickens’ second yard is a quagmire. In the garden I’ve left deep holes where I’ve stepped with my mud-boots. I don’t dare touch any of the plants for fear of spreading any water-borne diseases. It will take days to dry out, once the rain finally stops.