On His Terms (The Arrangement Series Book 1)

by Madison Quinn

  A couple of hours and far too much delicious dessert later, Nicholas and I say our goodbyes to his family. Cara and I have exchanged phone numbers, having confirmed our shopping plans later this week for next weekend’s charity dinner that we will both be attending. Austin, Nicholas and Theodore discuss an upcoming baseball game that they are going to in a few weeks.

  Vivienne immediately suggests I join her and Cara for a girl’s day at the spa when the guys go to the game. I give a non-committal answer promising to check my schedule, not because I don’t want to spend the day at a spa (who wouldn’t?) but because I don’t know how Nicholas wants me to respond. We hadn’t discussed our arrangement overlapping with Nicholas’s family life or how he would feel about me spending time alone with them. I’ve already agreed to shopping with Cara later this week, so I don’t want to commit to anything else without talking with Nicholas first. Vivienne accepts my answer without blinking an eye which I’m thankful for.

  “I told you that you had no reason to worry,” Nicholas says as Carter drives us away.

  “It went much better than I thought it would,” I admit.

  “Can I ask you something?” he requests after a few minutes of silence.

  “Okay, sure,” I’m not sure what to think about the uncertainty I hear in his voice.

  “How come you don’t drink? I mean, you drink, of course, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you have more than one drink when we’ve gone out. Do you not like to drink?”

  “It’s not that,” I sigh realizing that Nicholas is right—I haven’t had more than one drink of alcohol anytime we have been out together. “I hadn’t realized that… I guess old habits die hard.”

  “What do you mean? Did you… do you have a problem with alcohol?”

  “No! Gosh, no. I’ve only ever been drunk once and that was freshman year in college. I drank way too much at a fraternity party and spent the night with my head over the toilet bowl. That was the last time I ever got drunk.”

  “Then why only have one drink?”

  “I…” UGH! I can’t imagine what Nicholas will think when I tell him the real reason I limit myself to one drink. Unfortunately, I can’t come up with a good enough lie and even if I could, after how open Nicholas was with me on the boat last weekend, I don’t know that I want to lie to him. “It was one of the rules.”

  “Rules?”

  “He… Image was important to him; he believed I was a direct reflection on him. He would… pick out my outfits, order my food and basically control everything when we went out. There were a lot of rules: what I could talk about, who I could talk to and how much I could drink. Even though I had never been drunk around him, I was only ever allowed to have one drink when we were out.”

  “Kenzie… I don’t know what to say. You don’t seem like the person who would just let someone control their life like that. I mean—“

  “No, I get it. Trust me, I’m not the person I was when I met him. I’ve grown a lot in the last two and a half years. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the person I was back then. Today? No, I wouldn’t let someone control as much of my life as he did. This… this arrangement with Bridget? I had to think long and hard about it because not only of my safety but also because to some degree I knew I would give up some control. I knew there was a chance that I could be with someone that would pick out my clothing for events or who would tell me what I can and can’t talk about or to whom. But, to me I was willing to pay that price because it was only over a very small part of my life. It was no different in my mind than wearing a uniform to work. I’ll never go back to that type of control; I will never allow someone to control my every move the way he did.”

  “You deserve so much better than that, Kenzie. I hope you realize that.”

  “I don’t know what I deserve… but I know that I don’t want what I had.”

  “Someone really did a number on you growing up, didn’t they?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t see… you don’t see yourself.”

  “Sure I do—“

  “You don’t, Kenzie. If you don’t recognize that you deserve better than that asshole, you don’t see the wonderful person you really are.”

  “I may not know what I deserve, Nicholas, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that history will never repeat itself. I will never allow someone to control my life like he did or treat me the way he did.”

  “I’m glad, really I am. I just wish… you could see… who you are,” Nicholas sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “Who told you that you didn’t deserve any better than that asshole growing up? Who led you to believe that someone wouldn’t love you?”

  “I… I… I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I panic, trying to push away the memories that are threatening to take over. “Please… leave it alone, Nicholas. My childhood wasn’t a happy one, I didn’t grow up in a nice house with loving parents who cared about what I did every day. Just forget about it.”

  Fighting the tears that are threatening to spill out, I turn away from Nicholas and stare out the window. I can feel him watching me but I don’t turn back to him. It’s bad enough that he knows even a little about him; he doesn’t need to know everything else too. I can’t open myself up to him, to tell him everything when he has the power to end our arrangement and walk out of my life at any moment. He knows enough; he doesn’t need to know everything.

  The elevator ride to the floor of my apartment is quiet with neither Nicholas, Carter or myself saying anything. I’m not mad at Nicholas for asking about my childhood but I just didn’t expect him to be able to read me so easily. It’s as if he could see right through me: as if he could see parts of me that even I can’t see. I don’t know why he cares whether or not I think I deserve better than him. Isn’t it enough that I swore I would never end up with someone like that again?

  “Kenzie, I’m sorry. I over-stepped and I didn’t mean to upset you,” Nicholas apologizes as we stand awkwardly at the door to my apartment.

  “It’s not you, it’s me. There are certain times of my life that I just don’t like talking about—“

  “I get it, really I do.”

  “Thank you for inviting me to dinner tonight, I had a nice time with your family,” I desperately need to change the subject before things become even more uncomfortable out here.

  “Thank you for coming. I know my parents were glad you came as well. I believe Bridget has been in touch about this week?”

  “Yes, the business dinner and then the charity dinner over the weekend.”

  “I’ll have to check with Melody, but I think there is something next week too.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “Good night, Kenzie and again I’m sorry that I over-stepped earlier; I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  Before I can respond, Nicholas surprises me by kissing me… on the lips. I’m caught so off guard I swear I just stand there trying to make sense of the fact that his soft lips are against mine. I’m just about to wrap my arms around him when he pulls back from me. He places one last quick kiss on my lips before turning around and walking back to the elevator where Carter has been waiting with his back towards us. With a heated face, I unlock the apartment door and turn off the alarm. Rushing to the master bedroom, I take a quick shower, change into a pair of pajamas and head to bed. Surprisingly sleep quickly finds me, although I have to force myself not to keep thinking about how Nicholas’s lips felt against mine or to think about why he kissed me tonight how he did.

  Flashback

  “You’re such a fucking liar! I know you were with him today; I know that’s why you’re late!”

  “No, I swear I wasn’t. I… I left school late, I had to talk to my teacher-“

  SLAP

  “Don’t lie to me! Why did you need to talk to your teacher? Did you do something wrong?”

  “No. He asked to see me about working on the school newspaper. He wanted me to write an article—“
<
br />   “That’s a lie! All you ever do is lie! You’re just like your mother–a fucking liar who is good for absolutely nothing! You’re going to end up just like she did: alone and miserable. No one will ever love you; no one will ever put up with your lies. You will never amount to anything. I’m done. I knew the moment I was called about you that you would be nothing but a piece of shit like your mother is. You’ve caused me nothing but problems since you came here. I’m calling tomorrow, I want you out of here!”

  “I’m... I’m sorry. Please… I didn’t mean—“

  “You didn’t mean what? To ruin my life? Well congratulations, you have! Yet again I’ve had to clean up your mother’s mess and I’m fucking tired of it! Get the fuck out of here. I don’t want to fucking see you again!”

  “Ow!” I yelp in pain as I wasn’t fast enough to dodge whatever she threw at me that just hit me in the back.

  “Get the fuck out of here! Stay in your room the rest of the night. Don’t you dare come out for dinner either. You’re not getting anything tonight!”

  She’s throwing things down the hallway as I desperately try to make my way to my small bedroom. It’s nothing more than a closet that they put a small mattress in on the floor; my clothes are hanging on the rod above me. It’s tiny and dark, but I don’t mind, for in here I know I’m safe. She never comes in here. I scream as something else hits my back when I stop to open my door but don’t turn around to see what it was. I throw myself into my room and close the door quickly behind me. I turn on the small lamp that sits on the floor next to my mattress. When I pull my shirt off I’m not surprised to find blood already on the back of it.

  Chapter 28

  Nicholas

  “I can’t do this anymore, Nicky.” Mommy’s crying again. She’s always crying.

  “It’s okay, Mommy. Don’t cry,” I beg her.

  “It’s not okay, it’s never okay. Get in the tub, Nicky.”

  I don’t want to make her cry again so I get in the bathtub but the water is too hot. When I cry out she slaps me across the cheek.

  “It’s fine.”

  “It’s too hot, Mommy.”

  “No it’s not, get in the god damn tub.”

  “Mommy,” I sob but do as she tells me.

  I don’t want to make her mad again; last time she was mad, she locked me in my bedroom and I didn’t eat all day. The water turns my skin red and it hurts, but I don’t cry. I can’t make her mad again.

  “I’m sorry I’m not the Mommy you need, Nicky.”

  “You’re my mommy.” I don’t understand what she’s saying.

  “But I’m not a good Mommy Nicky.”

  “You are—“

  “No, I’m not: I yell at you too much, the apartment is always dirty, I never have enough money for food, I… I lost my job again. We’re going to lose this apartment Nicky, we’re going to be homeless.”

  “Homeless?” I don’t know what that means.

  “Homeless; the man who owns this place says we have to move out of here by tomorrow.”

  “Where will we go Mommy?”

  “That’s what being homeless means, Nicky, we have nowhere to go.”

  “But where will I go to sleep? Where is my bed going to be?”

  “It doesn’t matter Nicky, after today, nothing is going to matter.”

  “Mommy?”

  “Why don’t you lean back so I can wash your hair?”

  I lay on my back and close my eyes, but when Mommy doesn’t do anything I look up to find her staring at me. She has a funny look in her eyes, she smiles at me just before she puts her hand on my chest and pushes down. My face goes underwater! She knows I don’t like having water in my eyes. Why did she push me underwater? I try and try to push her hand away but she’s too strong.

  FUCK! I wake up sweating with my blankets thrown off the bed; I can’t seem to catch my breath and my body is shaking. This nightmare is always the worst; I’ll never forget that day. I’ll never be able to rid myself of that memory. Most days though I can keep myself from remembering it but then this fucking nightmare comes and brings it right back to the surface. The clock next to my bed lets me know it’s barely three in the morning, once again too fucking early to wake up Carter and go for a run. I know there’s no point in trying to go back to sleep tonight; there’s no way I will be able to close my eyes and not picture that bathroom. I weigh my options as to what the hell I can do at this hour of the morning. I doubt I can get any real work done so there’s no point in even trying. I can at least recognize that it’s not safe for me to go running in the middle of the night without Carter so that’s also out. I decide to head to the gym downstairs and hit the treadmill to see if that helps. It isn’t ideal, but at least it’s something.

  I throw on a shirt and head down to the gym; I’m not worried about not telling Carter because after he realizes I’m not in the apartment he will check the building’s security feed and see that I didn’t leave the building. The gym is empty which is not a real surprise given this time of the morning and really I prefer it this way. I put my ear buds in and start the playlist on my phone before setting the speed on the treadmill. I immediately lose myself in the rhythm of running and thankfully my thoughts begin to fade away from that horrible day so many years ago.

  After an hour, I finally feel like my head is clear enough to start my day. I slow the treadmill down to a walk and look around me. The gym itself is still empty but there is one woman swimming in the indoor pool that the gym overlooks. It only takes me a brief second to recognize the beautiful woman swimming is no other than Kenzie. I’m surprised to see her in the pool at four o’clock in the morning.

  I know she is off today from the bakery so that isn’t the reason she is awake this early. I find myself worrying that she has also had a nightmare and that is the reason she is in the pool this early. The idea of her having a nightmare like the one she did when I was sick bothers the hell out of me; my gut clenches as I remember her screaming and how she kept apologizing, begging her ex to stop hurting her.

  Without giving it a second thought, I jump off the treadmill and head out of the gym. When I get to the elevator instead of punching in the security code for the penthouse, I enter the access code for the pool. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding when I see that Kenzie is still swimming laps in the pool and hadn’t left before I could get here. I sit at the edge of the pool with my feet in the water and watch her swim. I don’t know why I’m here; I don’t know what I’m going to say. It’s like I’m drawn to her or some shit. It’s the same feeling I had last night after listening to the fucking rules her ex made her follow. I’ve never heard of someone having rules for their fiancée like that. I could see cautioning her about certain topics that could be a hot button for someone at a business dinner, but limiting what she could drink and choosing what she wore?

  When she was describing it last night on our way back home, all I wanted to do was destroy the fucker who did that to her. He fucked with her so much so that even more than two years later, she still doesn’t allow herself to have more than one drink when she is out with someone and I doubt that she even realizes she is still following his rule about that. Our car ride back last night also made me realize how little Kenzie thinks of herself. She honestly does not see the wonderful person she is; she wouldn’t admit that she deserve better than the asshole who used to hit her. How the hell does she not see that? Hell, even I know I’m not good enough for her!

  “Nicholas! You scared me!” Kenzie finally comes up from the water and sees me sitting there. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting here watching her swim back and forth and I’m kind of embarrassed.

  “I was in the gym and saw you swimming down here. What are you doing here so early?”

  “Couldn’t sleep,” she shrugs, as if not wanting to admit the real reason she is down here at this hour. “What about you? Why were you in gym this early?”

  “Couldn’t sleep,” I smirk, repeating her vague an
swer.

  “Touché,” she laughs.

  “You like to swim?”

  “I was on the swim team in high school for a little while; before I moved… came here I hadn’t been swimming in years. I forgot how relaxing it is.”

  When she gets out of the pool I nearly groan; she’s wearing the bathing suit I had purchased for her last weekend when we spent the day on the boat. She walks past me, over to the lounge chair where she had a towel waiting. I watch, almost fascinated, as she dries the dripping water off her body. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to lick each drop of water off her.

  “Nicholas?” Thankfully, Kenzie pulls me from my naughty thoughts before my dick decides to make them obvious to her.

  “Sorry, I have a big meeting this morning I was thinking about,” I lie.

  “I asked if you wanted to come back to the apartment for some breakfast? But if you have a meeting…”

  “No, breakfast would be nice. Let me run up to my place to change; I’m kind of sweaty from the treadmill.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you in a few minutes?”

  “Sure. Thank you Kenzie.”

  She gets off the elevator at her floor while I ride the rest of the way alone to my apartment. When the doors open I’m greeted by silence which is no surprise. Typically Carter doesn’t come out of his apartment until closer to five and Julie not until six when we are due back from our morning run. I quickly take a shower and change into a pair of jeans and a casual shirt before heading to Kenzie’s apartment. When I approach her door, I’m immediately reminded of standing here last night when things were still a little awkward between us after her confession in the car.

  I remember her looking up at me and me seeing nothing but pain in her eyes. I didn’t know what to do but once again I found myself overwhelmed with the sudden need to comfort her. She is the only person I’ve ever felt such a strong protectiveness for, well, outside of my family, of course. I didn’t know how to comfort her last night, so I did the only thing that came natural to me. I kissed her. For the first time since her nightmare, I kissed her on the lips. And it felt… it left me needing a very cold shower when I finally got back to my apartment. All I really wanted to do was take her into her apartment and fuck her senseless until she forgot everything that that bastard did to her. Thankfully I realized how that would only fuck things up royally and just end up hurting her more, which is why I walked away.