After the Before

by Gomez, Jessica

  “I know that Grandma, but what is this for? Why are you giving this to me?” I gesture to the envelope as I talk.

  Her knowing smile is still wide when she answers. “I know you haven’t been able to buy any new clothes since the accident.” She pauses, knowing I hate to hear that word.

  I immediately think of Jace and grab my pendent, but she continues.

  “I thought it would be nice for you to get some new things that fit you. You’ve lost so much weight.”

  I let her words sink in, and she’s right. My clothes do just hang off me, making me look like I’m wearing boy’s clothes. I have lost about twenty pounds, more muscle than fat. I have never been fat, but now I am self-conscious about being too skinny. I am on an “eat everything” diet to gain some of the weight back, and after a few weeks, it is beginning to show.

  “Thank you, Grandma,” I concede instead of arguing. The truth is that I could really use some new clothes, but one thousand dollars? That is more than just some new clothes.

  My mother is passed out when I return home, so I expect to have a few hours to myself before the binge drinking and pill popping continue. I walk into the other room to check on Dad, who is also sleeping. The nurse’s chart says he’s been asleep for half an hour, so I know he won’t be awake for a couple more hours, at least.

  Climbing the stairs to my room, I toss myself onto my bed and pick up my iPod to listen to my 80’s and 90’s playlist. I was born more than ten years after the 80’s, but that decade’s music is fantastic. My dad and I used to listen to it all the time, but now that my mom has control of the house, she walks in and shuts it off ninety percent of the time. If I protest, it only encourages the knock-down, drag-out arguments, so I let it slide… It’s not worth the fight.

  I close my eyes and listen to Roxette’s ‘Must Have Been Love’, and I think about all the people I wish I still had in my life. I cradle my pendent in my fingers as I fall asleep.

  Chapter Five

  Alex

  The guards have me isolated from other prisoners, putting me in a single person cell until my court date, which restricts my yard time to an hour a day. Most of my spare time is spent lifting weights and jogging around the perimeter of the fence. I work hard to stay bulked up – wiping out any signs of weakness.

  Before the accident, I was a beanpole, toothpick thin and tall. After the accident, I went through a growth spurt, growing a few more inches, which put me over six feet tall. I buffed up and proved it by annihilating the puny wimp I once was. If I wanted to survive being in a gang, and my new neighborhood, fighting was the only option I had available to me.

  In addition to my transformation, I added several tattoos that covered the top half of my chest, shoulders, and upper biceps. The black ink swirled until it ended in sharp points, reminding me of a flickering fire. The words Infiernos Guerreros adorn my abdomen, the first and last part dipping down into my briefs, which hide some of the letters.

  George’s voice rouses me from my thoughts. “Hey, amigo. It’s time to go see the judge.”

  I sit up on my bed and look at him. George is one of my more steady guards. He is always polite, even when I talk shit to him. I get the feeling that he has read my file, and he probably knows about my past and how I ended up here.

  I walk up to the cell door and turn around so he can place the cuffs on me. Once we leave the cell, he leads me down an elevator, and navigates a maze of hallways until we finally reach the courtroom.

  We enter the courtroom, and I see the judge is already sitting on his high throne, staring at me accusingly as I enter the courtroom. My court appointed lawyer is in the seat next to mine, looking ready to defend me. Meanwhile, a police officer at the plaintiff’s bench looks like he wants to put me away for a very long time.

  George unlocks my cuffs and I take the seat next to my lawyer.

  The judge clears his throat. “Alex Navarro. Please stand.”

  I do, and I look him square in the eyes. If I’m going to go to jail, I’m going to do it the Alex Navarro way… Badass.

  “You are here due to an assault charge against an individual believed to belong to a street gang. Although there are witnesses to this assault, they have recanted their testimonies. As for the individual involved in this assault, they have refused to press charges against you… so I hereby drop all charges against you in this matter. However, just recently, I have heard of another assault occurring within the jail against another inmate, witnessed by a guard.” He pauses for dramatic effect, but the words that come out next shock me.

  “After looking over your history, and your record, I have decided to make you an offer. I have decided that your sentence will be to attend your senior year of high school and graduate with at least a 3.0 average. If you get into trouble, or you are kicked out of school for any reason, you will return to me to begin the maximum sentence for this charge.”

  His eyes bore into mine. “Do we have an agreement?”

  I think about mi Madre. She despises my recent actions, but at least the judge is offering me an out. There is no doubt that he knows about my past and has empathy for me and my family. Despite that, I take my time, not willing to give up my hard antics before I answer him.

  “Yes, Sir, I understand,” I say loud and clear.

  The judge nods. “Then it’s settled. You will be released into your mother’s custody, and you will start school next week with the rest of your senior class.” He folds papers up and bounces them around on his desk before he turns back to look at me. “I am warning you, Alex. I do not give third chances, so you better understand that this is your one opportunity to succeed.”

  “I will, Your Honor.” My voice is shaking. I’m finally getting out of this small enclosed space and heading home.

  “Good luck.” He smiles at me as he hits the gavel on his desk.

  Mi Madre is cursing me in a mixture of Spanish and English the entire way home. She tells me how lucky I am that the judge had given me this second chance, and I better not waste one second of it. She finishes with, “I mean it, Alejandro. You may be in a gang, and think yourself a tough guy, but they will look tame compared to what I will do to you… comprende?”

  “Yes, ma. I understand.” I may be mean as hell and kicked more ass than I can count, but mi Madre is not a person I want to mess with.

  “Bien,” she says.

  I let her simmer, not wanting to ruffle her feathers any more than I already have. It’s hard to keep my distance and lifestyle away from her without hurting her.

  I head to my room as soon as we arrive home. If I’m going to return to school, I need to do an inventory check. I know mi Madre works hard and has little to no money, so I need to earn it myself. I can usually get construction work with a friend of mine.

  My clothes are in shambles. Everything I owned before the accident, my designer clothes, shoes, anything worth a few bucks, was sold to consignment shops… we needed every penny. My new wardrobe now consists of clothing from the discount store. They may be low class, but I’m fine with what I have because I’ve learned that I don’t need much.

  With my clothes being what they are, I only need a few bucks for paper and other school supplies, so it shouldn’t be hard to earn that with a couple of hours of hard work.

  Chapter Six

  Jasmine

  School is starting in the morning and my nerves are soaring. Staying still is a challenge throughout the night. There will be the same classmates that I have known in the Before, and some of them are even looking forward to seeing me back at school. I know everyone will give me the pity stares all day long, but my skin has thickened since the accident. I have the strength to ignore all the looks and murmurs.

  To keep my mind off the first day of school, I sit down at the computer and start scrolling through my Facebook page. I scan through the throngs of people congratulating me for returning for my senior year. I have never even spoken to half of these people, most of them being Jace’s friends.
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br />   I scroll through them until I come across one that mentions Alex’s name. I read the status update and my breath catches. The person states that Alex has been in jail, and that the judge sentenced him to his senior year of high school, which meant that Alex would be returning to school this year, too.

  My breathing becomes erratic and panic courses through me until I’m almost hyperventilating. Seeing Alex every day will be a constant reminder of his sister, my brother, and everything that happened on that horrible day. Seeing Alex is the last thing I want or need right now, so I have to make sure I avoid him as much as possible.

  Oakboro High School mailed out brochures to all of the seniors, informing us that we would attend one week of school before the big senior trip. Most of that week would likely be a piece of cake; I couldn’t imagine any teacher assigning us homework before the trip. The packet also contained hotel information and phone numbers for our parents if they needed to contact us. I have a feeling that my packet containing that information met the trash can. My mom would never call to check on me. She won’t worry about me… hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she will even notice that I’m gone.

  I’m worried about what will happen when I come face to face with Alex, because let’s face it, it will happen at some point. It’s been 2 years and I know that we are not the same people that we used to be. I don’t know about avoiding him at school, but I think it will be easy during the trip. He may even feel the same as I do about seeing each other.

  I let my thoughts drift, thinking about Alex and his family, remembering what happened a couple of days ago.

  I decided to take the money that Grandma had given me and went shopping. While I was browsing, I saw Mrs. Navarro getting off a public bus. Of course, I didn’t say anything to her because I’m a coward, so I hid behind a rack of clothes until she entered a discount store across the way.

  I don’t know why I did it, but I followed her into the discount store, just out of some lame curiosity. She was sifting through men’s clothes, probably shopping for Alex. Maybe she had a boyfriend, but I didn’t think so. She looked to be grabbing clothes that seemed more in Alex’s taste, but what did I know of his taste for clothes these days.

  I watched as she looked at styles. She paused at every price tag, and obviously costing too much, she would sit the items back down. A terrible pang went through my stomach; I hated watching her struggle just to buy clothes, and now that I knew they were for Alex, probably school clothes, I felt even worse.

  I went back to the store I was previously in and bought a few new outfits. After my purchases, I still had most of the money my grandma had given me. I got what I needed, so I decided to drive to their home before Mrs. Navarro could get back and see me. I had known for a long time where they lived, I had even driven by a few times. It seemed fine in the daylight, but now the neighborhood was dark and scary. I drove up to their mailbox and made sure no one was watching before I placed the rest of my money inside. I didn’t know how to face either one of them, but I just hoped this would help them in some way.

  Sleep eluded me until one thirty in the morning, making my impending first day of school sneak up on me too quickly.

  While getting ready for school, I’m pleased to see that my not so diet of eating everything is beginning to pay off; I can finally see the shape of my body forming again. Some girls believe that the rail thin look is in, but I like the curves – God intended for women to have them. My old clothes are starting to fit me better, but still a bit too big for me, so I decide to wear some of the new clothes I had purchased. I put on a pair of faded boot cut jeans and a green shirt that makes my eyes shine.

  On my drive to school, nervousness creeps through my body like bugs crawling under my skin. I don’t play any music; I’m not even sure if I’m breathing. The drive is over in the blink of an eye as I pull into a space and turn the engine off.

  I collect my bag, pulling it onto my lap and place my forehead against the steering wheel. I bang my head several times and repeat, ‘Why me? Why me?’ I make sure to coordinate the words with the rhythm of the thumping.

  After collecting myself, I move to exit the car when someone blocks my door. As he pulls the door open and smiles at me, I see that it’s Andrew, the boy I was talking about to Marisol on the day of the accident… the one I wanted to ask me to the dance. That event seems so petty and insignificant now.

  “Hey Jasmine, it’s nice to have you back.” He moves aside to let me step out of the car, and I blush.

  The fact that I want no personal attachments to anyone, doesn’t make me immune to Andrew’s handsome features. His soft brown hair and bright blue eyes are hard to ignore.

  “Hi, Andrew. How are you?” I ask.

  “Better now that your back.” His hundred watt smile stays plastered to his face.

  “Thanks.” I feel uncomfortable. What else am I supposed to say?

  “Can I walk you to class?”

  “I have to get my schedule first.” I begin walking toward the office.

  “Alright, I’ll come with you, and then I’ll walk you to class.”

  I am uneasy with the attention that Andrew is paying me. Why, after almost two years, would Andrew be so attentive toward me? My mind is warning me to be cautious, but despite my doubts, in the end, I let him walk me to the office.

  The same ding from years ago announces our arrival as we walk through the door. It reminds me of my sophomore year, but this time, my brother is a ghostly figure in my mind, and not walking alongside me.

  As I walk up to the secretary, I think that she must be new because I don’t remember her from sophomore year.

  She stares at me expectantly, but doesn’t say anything.

  “Um, I’m returning this year after a year of home schooling.”

  “Oh yes, you’re Jasmine Heartly. I have your schedule right here.”

  I see the look of empathy on her face as she hands me my schedule. It makes me want to run, but I make myself stand at the counter while I peruse my schedule. The typical high school classes stare back at me, and suddenly I’m not so sure I can handle this.

  While I’m in my own deep thoughts, this is when the secretary decides that she cannot keep her mouth shut any longer.

  “I am so sorry about the accident, and about your brother. Gosh, and your father? It must be horrible,” she says sympathetically.

  The only other noises that penetrate my eardrums, besides her stupid voice, is a door creaking open to my left and my panicked, uncontrolled breathing.

  Her words freeze me in place, as anxiety begins to take over my body. My eyes begin to sting while I envision Jace and Marisol. With my heart pounding in my chest, I feel a full on panic attack taking hold of me.

  A male with a Spanish accent speaks behind us and saves me from breaking down in front of everyone.

  “Yes, it is horrible. So thank you, Mrs. Chubby Bunny, for bringing it up before she starts her first day back – that ought to help her get off to a great start.”

  The hefty secretary blushes, mumbling some kind of apology before removing herself from her chair. She is obviously hurt by Alex’s “chubby bunny” remark.

  I turn, but I’m afraid to look at him. I’m afraid of what I may say, or what he might say in return. When my eyes finally take him in, my mouth hangs ajar… Alex resembles nothing of the boy I had once known; he has totally grown up.

  A tall, lean, and very muscular body has replaced what used to be his skinny, shorter framed one. His shirt hugs tight against his biceps, with visible tattoos coming out from the bottom of his sleeves; making him appear more ominous and dangerous. He has a darkened look in his unreadable brown eyes. His skin is a warm caramel tone, and he looks amazing. Of course, there is no way I would tell him that, but I’m sure my expression has already given me away.

  I know that I need to walk away, but I find that I can’t move. Looking at him brings back not just the bad memories, but the good as well. I don’t want to think about either o
f those because one may be more painful than the other, but they are both painful to me. We both lost family and friends, but for me, distance from him is what will help me move on.

  Andrew senses my unease and misinterprets it, so he steps in and speaks before I can.

  “Thanks for the help, Alex, but we can take it from here.” he says harshly as he dismisses Alex.

  The only problem I see is that Alex resembles the type of person that does the dismissing, not the other way around.

  He looks at me one more time before walking out of the office, not saying another word. From his reputation, I would have thought he would have kicked Andrew’s ass for even talking to him, let alone talk to him in that manner.

  I release the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Lost in my thoughts, I forget that Andrew is even standing next to me until he speaks.

  “You should really stay away from Alex, Jasmine. He’s not the same person he used to be; He’s trouble, and he’s not someone you want to mix yourself up with,” he warns me.

  It’s none of Andrew’s business what I do or who I talk to, but I remain silent. At this point, I feel that the less I say, the better, so I let him walk me to my English class before thanking him and saying goodbye.

  “Alright, I’ll see you around,” he calls to me. I turn, and like a zombie, I walk into class.

  The secretary’s words replay repetitively in my mind, “Sorry about your brother and your father.” She has no idea that the word ‘sorry’ could never touch the emotions that I’ve experienced. All her sympathetic words did was dredge up an emotional storm, one I’m trying hard to beat back in front of thirty other kids.

  Chapter Seven

  Alex

  Running into Jasmine in the office first thing this morning was not what I expected. The principal called me into his office to go over the rules and conditions that the court set forth for me. I would have to attend every class during every school day, unless I was sick. I would have to complete assignments on time and keep a GPA of at least a 3.0. I know I won’t have a problem keeping my grades up – I had one of the top three highest GPA’s when I was a sophomore.