Okay, there’s one thing I learned tonight. I think Caitlin is on to something. Here’s the deal. I had what I thought could be an excruciatingly painful evening to get through, and I could’ve done it in my usual complaining sort of way. But following Caitlin’s example, I decided to take the “high road.” I did an attitude adjustment, put on a smile, and guess what? It wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was actually sort of fun.
And—I reminded myself—after tonight, Nat will be a married woman, and we won’t really be having times like this anymore. Okay, as weird as that sounded at first, after it sunk in, it really made me kind of sad. Now, as Nat is snoozing, I’m thinking about how I’m going to miss my best friend. Even though she’s been a royal pain lately, I really do love her. I really want the best for her life. And so, after we were sort of done for the evening, I told her that I wanted us to pray together.
“Pray together?” She blinked in surprise. “You and me?”
“Yeah…I want us to pray for you and Ben. For the wedding tomorrow and for your future and for the future of your unborn child. Is that okay?”
“Of course.”
And so we prayed. And it was really sweet. When I finished, Nat told me that it was the best bachelorette party ever. Of course, I wondered what she could really compare it to, but I didn’t mention this. Still, as I sit here writing in my diary, I have to wonder how it’s going to go with Nat and Ben. Oh, I don’t mean the wedding. Knowing Caitlin, it will probably go smoothly enough. I mean what comes after the wedding. What then?
Nat said that Ben found them a little place to live. It’s downtown, close to his work, but she’ll have to ride a bus to school. His parents helped him with the rent deposit as well as some of the other starting expenses. But that ends now. “But with his job,” she assured me, “we’ll probably be okay.”
I didn’t ask her about things like health insurance or baby expenses. I mean, what do I know about things like that? Still, my practical side wonders. But it’s the night before her wedding…why should I be the one to rain on her parade? Especially when I already know that tomorrow’s forecast is for “scattered showers”?
Sunday, September 24
Well, at least it didn’t rain yesterday. And all things considered, I guess the wedding went fairly well. It was a little unnerving when Natalie’s wedding gown was too tight to zip, but with some help from Caitlin and Steph, we finally managed to fit her into it.
“But you’d better get right out of it after the reception,” Steph warns Nat.
“Will it hurt the baby?” Caitlin asked with concern.
Steph laughed. “No, but she might split a seam.”
Caitlin’s grandmother-in-law did a nice job on the flowers. Even nicer than a florist, I was thinking as Cesar and I got in place to take our walk down the aisle. The music was playing, and I could see Ben standing up there by Josh. And although Josh was smiling and looking fairly comfortable with what was his first wedding, Ben looked like a lamb on his way to the slaughter. Seriously, he looked like he’d give anything to be anywhere but here. Even as Cesar escorted me down the aisle, I half expected Ben to make a mad dash for the nearest exit. But somehow he stayed in place. Maybe Josh had superglued his feet to the floor.
The crowd was small. Maybe forty, or even less. Just close family members and friends from church. I was glad that my dad came. He’d been saying he wasn’t sure. And he’d even politely declined Natalie’s invitation to walk her down the aisle. Fortunately she had an uncle who was willing.
Then the bridal march music began, and Natalie and her uncle started coming down the aisle. And to my surprise, I began to cry. Now I realize that lots of people cry at weddings. And I figure it’s because they are moved or touched. But the reason I was crying was because it all seemed so hopeless. And seeing my beautiful best friend in her too-tight dress, in a church that was mostly empty, with such a small wedding party…well, it just seemed so pathetic. And wrong.
But I forced a smile as she got closer, and I’m sure she thought they were tears of joy as I held her bouquet and waited for Ben and her to exchange vows and rings. Their rings are very simple gold bands. Not cheap. But not fancy either.
“Someday he’ll get me a diamond,” Natalie told me when we were doing manicures the night before.
Well, for her sake, I hope that’s true. But after the reception, when we told them good-bye in front of the church and I watched them driving away in Ben’s little car…Well, I just felt sad.
“They’ll be okay,” my dad told me as he came up and put his arm around me.
I turned and studied him. “Really? Do you think so?”
“Or not.” He smiled at me. “But things work out.”
And so as we drove home from Natalie’s wedding, I told him about the story his mother had told me when I was in Florida. I told him about how she and my dad’s father fell in love during World War II, how they planned to get married but didn’t. And how hard it was when he died and she was pregnant. But how she pretended to be a widow, and no one ever really knew.
Dad nodded as he turned into our driveway. “I think I sort of knew that, Kim.”
“Really? She said she never told you.”
“I know. I guess I just suspected something.”
“Does it bother you?”
He just shook his head. “I can understand why she’d do that. Times were different then. Unwed mothers weren’t socially acceptable.”
“Do you think times have changed that much?” I asked as we got out of the car.
“In some ways.”
“Do you think it would’ve been better if Nat and Ben hadn’t gotten married?”
He turned and looked at me. “What do you think, Kimmy?”
I didn’t answer, but I felt sure that we both knew what the other thought—and that it was the same.
“Someday it’s going to be your wedding, sweetheart,” he said as we went into the house. “And we’re going to have us one big barn burner of a wedding!”
“All right!”
The radio was still playing in the kitchen, probably from this morning. But it was on one of the oldies stations my mom liked to tune into. Then my dad bowed. “May I have this dance?”
I held out my mossy green skirt in a curtsy. “Certainly.”
And as my dad and I danced within the small confines of the kitchen, I promised myself that one day we would dance at my wedding. And, I promised myself, for the sake of my mom and my dad—and for myself—I would do it right. And that means doing it God’s way.
Dear Jamie,
My older sister is sixteen and doesn’t even have her driver’s license yet, but she’s been sneaking my mom’s car out at night. She bribes me by giving me rides sometimes, but I’m starting to get scared that we’ll get caught. I can’t believe my mom hasn’t figured this out yet, and I’ve almost told her a couple of times, but then my sister would probably kill me. What should I do?
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
You’re in a hard place. But if you consider the consequences, it might be easier to do the right thing. For instance, if your sister got into a wreck, she would, at the very least, be in trouble with the law and probably lose her right to legally drive for a long time. And at the very worst, someone could get seriously hurt or even killed. There’s a reason that people have to be tested to get a driver’s license. But besides that, what about your mom? How would she feel knowing that her children are doing something like this behind her back? What do you think you should do? I think you already know the answer. And, sure, your sister might get mad at you, but she won’t kill you.
Just Jamie
Five
Friday, September 29
As far as I know, and I’m not asking questions, Nat and Ben’s honeymoon went just fine. They only got to spend two nights at the cabin, and both of them were back in school by Tuesday. Of course, since lots of the kids knew about “the big wedding,” there’s been plenty of teasing and crud goi
ng on. But I have to give it to Nat and Ben, they’re taking it pretty well. Although Nat’s patience was wearing thin by the end of the week.
“Some people need to get a life,” she told me at lunch today.
“Give them time,” I said. “They’ll get bored with the O’Conners before long.”
“Yeah, at least until I really start showing. That should get them going again.” She sighed loudly. “Which brings me to something…”
“Huh?” I looked at her. Like what was she getting at?
“I’m thinking about switching schools.”
“Switching?”
“Yeah. Mrs. Harper was the one who first suggested it. She told me about this place downtown. Actually, it’s close to our apartment. Anyway, it’s for pregnant teen girls. You can get your diploma and even bring your baby to school.”
“But you could get your diploma here before the baby is born,” I reminded her.
“I know…” She looked around the cafeteria. “But it’s hard being here. I feel like such a misfit.”
“We’ve always been misfits, Nat.”
“But it’s worse now.” She looked right at me then. “And I know it’s not easy for you.”
Okay, this surprised me. I wasn’t used to having Nat consider my feelings.
“I think it’s for the best,” she finally said.
“But I’m going to miss you.”
“We’ll still see each other, Kim. By the way, when are you going to come by the apartment?”
Nat had already asked me this several times this week. “I don’t know. I don’t want to intrude on the newlyweds.”
She laughed. “Yeah, right. Ben works all night and is usually half dead when he comes home. And I’m usually pretty tired from being pregnant. The newlyweds are acting more like old fogies anyway. Trust me, we’re not very exciting.
“Why don’t you come over tonight?” she suggested suddenly. “Ben’s working anyway It’ll be just you and me.”
Since I couldn’t think of an excuse, I agreed.
I spent most of a pretty boring evening in Nat and Ben’s tiny, stuffy, barren apartment, and was I ever glad to get back home. Okay, the truth is their place reminds me of a prison cell. It’s in an old complex downtown. It’s run-down and looks like it might collapse at any minute. I’m surprised it’s not condemned. Their unit is on the first floor, which might appeal to Nat since she doesn’t have to go up the stairs, but the street is so noisy that I wonder how they can even sleep. The worst part is that there are bars on the windows.
“For security,” Nat explained as she leaned back into the frumpy futon Ben had brought from home. She rubbed her hands over her ever growing belly in a circular motion, acting like it didn’t even bother her that her jeans were unbuttoned and her T-shirt was rolling up.
“Right…” I said, glancing away.
The apartment has one miniature bedroom, which is mostly filled with Nat’s full-sized bed from home, one creepy little bathroom that smells like mildew, and a boxlike kitchen that Nat has filled with her shower and wedding things. And then the “living” room that’s not even as big as my bedroom. And that’s it. Of course, they don’t have much to put in it. But that’s probably just as well since there’s not much room anyway.
“Ben’s mom is going to an estate sale this weekend,” Nat told me. “She said she’ll try to find us a table and chair set.”
“Won’t it be a little crowded in here when the baby comes?”
“Oh, we’ll find a bigger and better place by then,” she assured me.
“Oh, yeah.”
I’m still not sure how we managed to pass nearly two hours, but finally I told her that I was pretty tired and made my escape. Poor Nat, I thought as I drove home, she can’t escape.
But now I’m thinking maybe she really likes it. I mean, she actually seemed pretty okay. Maybe not happy exactly, but she wasn’t depressed either. And then I remember how she was last summer, when I thought she was almost suicidal. I guess this is better than that. So who am I to judge? Maybe this whole marriage thing is really working for them. Just because it wouldn’t work for me doesn’t mean it’s wrong for them. Even so, I know that I’m going to really be praying for them—praying that God will bring good out of what looks like a plain old mess.
Monday, October 16
The previous couple of weeks passed fairly quietly. Uneventfully even. And I think I kind of welcome the change of pace, not to mention the peace. Nat has started going to the pregnant school downtown. Okay, it has a name, but I just can’t remember it. She wants me to come check it out, but I guess I’m not ready for that yet.
It feels like I’ve been trying to figure out my own life for a change. Like where do I fit in, who are my friends, what can I look forward to during my senior year? I’m even asking God to show me how He plans to use me this year. Okay, that’s a new one for me. To be honest, I think I’ve been fairly self-absorbed in the past—asking God what He can do for me rather than what I can do for Him. I think I’m ready to take the next step. At least that’s what I wrote in my prayer notebook yesterday.
And today I got a pleasant surprise. Maybe even an answer to prayer. Allie Curtis was back in school.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her as we stood in line in the cafeteria.
“Same as you.” She grinned. “Finishing up my senior year.”
“I thought you were done.”
“No, that’s just Chloe and Laura. I’m the one who got stuck behind.”
So I filled her in a little on Nat and Ben and how I was feeling a little stuck behind too. “But I’m getting used to it,” I said. “And it’s kind of nice having a routine without all the drama and stuff.”
She nodded. “Yeah, I can appreciate that.”
As it turns out, Allie will be here until spring break. After that Redemption goes on tour again. Laura and Chloe will be taking classes at the community college, and the band plans to do a few benefit concerts in the area while they’re here.
“The record company calls it a hiatus,” Allie explained as she paid for her food. “But I think we just needed a little break.”
“Is it hard being a celebrity?” I asked as we looked for a table.
She kind of laughed then shrugged. “It’s got its ups and downs.” She nodded toward a table to our right. “Want to go sit with Marissa and Spence?”
Okay, the truth was, I didn’t really want to sit with those two. I mean, Marissa can be a real pain, and everyone knows Spencer is a doper. But since I had actually prayed about being used by God, and since I really did want to sit with Allie, I agreed. Before long, Cesar and Jake joined us. And things started to lighten up, and I got to thinking maybe it wasn’t too bad after all. I know that as Christians we need to mix it up with people who aren’t. That’s something Chloe has always been good at. And it seems Allie gets this too.
“That was cool,” I told Allie later as she and I walked out of the cafeteria.
“What?” she asked.
“Hanging with the riffraff.”
Allie laughed. “You mean Spencer and Marissa?”
“Yeah. I hate to admit it, but those guys make me uncomfortable sometimes. I mean, I’ve tried being friends with Marissa, but it usually comes back to bite me.”
“Chloe and I used to be the riffraff,” Allie told me as we walked to the senior locker hall. “So did Cesar and Jake.”
I considered this. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’re all riffraff when you get right down to it.”
Allie grinned. “We’re all riffraff. I like that. I bet Chloe could turn that into a song.”
“She’s welcome to it,” I said as I removed my violin case from my locker.
“I forgot about you and your violin,” Allie said as she eyed my case. “You should come jam with us again. That was fun.”
“Anytime,” I told her. Then we parted ways. And for the first time since my senior year started a month and a half ago, I felt like maybe it
wouldn’t be a total wash after all. And maybe, just maybe, God was up to something.
Saturday, October 21
Youth group was very cool tonight. Both Allie and Chloe were there, along with Cesar and Jake, and even the newlyweds showed up. And though the group was relatively small, in some ways it was just like old times.
“Look around the room tonight,” Josh said, after we started to settle down following a pretty loud worship time led by Chloe and Allie. He waited as we glanced around the group of familiar faces. “Tell me what’s wrong with this picture,” he finally said.
No one said anything, so Josh continued. “We need to grow, both inwardly and outwardly. Our internal lives need to grow as lovers of Christ, and we need to grow outwardly as a group. We need to start reaching out to others, inviting kids into our world.”
So this prompted a fairly lively discussion about whether or not we should invite unbelievers to youth group. Some of the kids felt that youth group should be a place for fellowship and learning. Others felt that it should be a place for outreach.
“So, what’s the answer?” Josh asked.
“We need a place where we can come to get lifted up,” said Kerry. “It’s not easy being a Christian all week, hanging out with kids who don’t exactly respect your opinions, you know.”
“That’s true,” said Chloe. “And even though I’m not in high school anymore, I’ve felt pretty challenged at the community college lately. I mean, I’m used to everyone knowing I’m a Christian and being kind of, I guess, respected for my beliefs. But at college I’m a nobody, and when I get a chance to share my faith, it can get pretty gruesome.” She smiled then. “Not that I don’t enjoy getting beat up a little. I actually think God is teaching me some things through this. Still, it’s so great to be here with a bunch of Christians who really get me. Kinda healing, you know? I wouldn’t want to lose that.”
“I know what you mean,” Cesar said. “But I get what Josh is saying too. I can see the need to bring kids who don’t know Christ to a place where they can be loved and accepted for who they are.” He glanced at me now. “Like having lunch with Spencer and Marissa, Kim. It was good seeing you around this week. It’s been a while since you hung out with us.”
That Was Then... Page 4
