Will the Real Raisin Rodriguez Please Stand Up?

by Judy Goldschmidt

  I cried the whole way home. How pathetic is it that I’ve been waiting for months to see my friends from Berkeley and when I finally do, they’ve already replaced me with Vivvy. Vivvy, who’s not even nice to me and says not-nice things to me about my clothes and my boyfriend. Who my friends stick up for instead of sticking up for me.

  Now I wish I never came.

  6:13 PM, PST

  Where are you guys? I keep calling you, but you’re not picking up. Things are getting worse by the moment.

  I called Pia to talk to her about the Christmas Eve boat ride.

  “So, are we on for Blue Christmas?” I asked.

  “Huh?” Pia said.

  “Blue Christmas? The boat ride tomorrow night? You said you weren’t sure because of the surprise, so I’m calling to see what you decided.”

  “Well, actually, we’re going to Vivvy’s dad’s Christmas party. See, that’s another thing you guys have in common. Both of you have divorced parents. Anyway, you’re invited too. She meant to tell you before you left, but . . . she never got the chance.”

  I felt a giant tear pop out of my eye the way a BB gun pellet ricochets out of a toy gun. I couldn’t believe that she had actually become a part of us.

  “I don’t think I can make it,” I told Pia. “The boat ride is a tradition, and I wouldn’t want to let my dad down. And besides, it’ll be nice to spend time just the two of us.”

  “Riiiight,” said Pia.

  She sounded funny when she said it. Like she knew something I didn’t. “Is that okay with you?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah,” said Pia. “Don’t even worry about it. Before you got here, the three of us already decided that we’d all get together after Christmas dinner to have our own celebration and to exchange presents. So we’ll still get to celebrate Christmas with you.”

  The three of them decided?! I guess it’s a done deal. Whatever we do, Vivvy does too. Regardless of whether she’s nice to me or not.

  “Do I have to get Vivvy a present?” I asked.

  “She got you one,” said Pia.

  “She did?” I asked, thinking, of course she did. She had the advantage of Pia and Claudia actually telling her things. “Well, how do I know what to get her?!”

  “We were planning on going vintage shopping tomorrow. You can get her something then. I’m telling you, Raise, you guys are just alike! Get her something you’d want.”

  Great! I’d want a week without Vivvy hanging around. Can I get her that?

  “Fine. I’ll give it some thought,” I said. “And may I ask you one more thing about Ms. Vivvy?”

  “Uh, sure,” Pia said, sounding a little bit wary.

  “How does she get her hair so shiny and glossy?”

  “Product,” Pia answered, in a very respectful tone. “Lots of anti-frizz product. The best that money can buy.”

  “I see,” I said. And with my head bowed, I bid Pia farewell.

  Don’t judge me. I’m not two-faced. Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to avoid the frizzies.

  After I hung up, my father knocked on my door to see how my day went.

  “What’s new and exciting, Rae? How are my old pals Pia and Claudia?” he asked. I looked like I’d been crying.

  “Swami, what’s wrong?” He pulled a lock of hair away from my eyes. I told him that I’d invited Pia and Claudia on the boat ride, but they’d already made plans to go to a friend’s Christmas party. I didn’t mention Vivvy at all. I didn’t want him to feel bad for me for being such a loser and coming all the way out here only to find out that my oldest friends already found someone they like better than me.

  “Just because they made plans for Christmas Eve doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you as much as always,” my dad said. “And the truth is,” he added, “We wouldn’t have had room for Pia and Claudia anyway.”

  “Why not? Now that Pia puts those magnets on her wrist, she never throws up anymore. And Claudia promised us she’d never jump into the dinghy without first asking again.”

  “I know. And it’s not that I wouldn’t love to have them. It’s just that there isn’t room for them this time because I’m bringing a friend of mine.”

  I was a little surprised to hear that my dad was bringing a friend. He never brought a friend before. Then again, he used to bring my mother, who was kind of like a friend to him. And Lola. Though she’s nothing like a friend unless he’s started hanging out with people who need help reaching the sink and cutting their meat.

  “Who? Ravi Singh? Wait! Not Madonna?” I said, getting really excited for a minute.

  “Actually, it’s my friend Danny.”

  “Danny? I don’t know him. Is he another friend from your Divorced Dads group? I really liked that other guy—what was his name—Franco? I loved the way he could fit an entire hamburger in his mouth at one time,” I said, giggling. “Can Danny do that too?”

  “I’m not sure, Swami. We’ll have to ask her.”

  Her? I wondered. Did he just say her? What kind of her is named Danny?

  “Her?” I asked. “Did you just say, 'We’ll have to ask her’? What kind of her is named Danny?”

  “It’s short for Daniela.” He tugged at my chin and looked me in the eye. “Are you all right?” he asked, looking very serious.

  “I’m fine,” I answered. Though I’m not sure he believed me. The truth is, I wasn’t so fine. I’m hurt that he didn’t want to save the boat trip for just the two of us. And a little embarrassed that I took for granted that he would. It just feels like now everyone here has someone who’s more important to them than I am. And my dad—I just thought he’d always put me first.

  But I don’t want him to know I feel this way. Because that would hurt him. And I really don’t want to do that.

  What a day this has been. I’m going to call CJ. Maybe he’ll say something to make me feel better. The only catch is that in order for him to say something to make me feel better, he has to actually say something. Well . . . here goes . . .

  CJ Mullen . . . you are about to receive a phone call . . .

  6:30 PM, PST

  I couldn’t reach CJ and I still can’t reach you guys, so I IM’d Jeremy. He told me that you two and CJ are all at Black Christmas rehearsal.

  Lynn, I’ve got to hand it to you. I think being your boyfriend taught him a lot. He totally got what was bothering me and made me feel a million times better.

  Observe:

  (An IM conversation between Raisin Rodriguez and Jeremy Craine—a cut-and-paste job.)

  raisinrodriguez: u there?

  JC26e4U: yo raisinrodriguez: I’ll take that as a yes

  JC26e4U: ’sup? raisinrodriguez: dunno

  JC26e4U: c’mon rae . . . there must b something. U never im me.

  raisinrodriguez: that’s tru. where is every 1? JC26e4U: rehearsing 4 blak x-mas raisinrodriguez: oh right. I 4got about that. How come ur not rehearsing 2?

  JC26e4U: I’ve been 2 busy with the zine to get anything together for blak x-mas. plus I don’t have a song. how r u?

  raisinrodriguez: I h8 it here.

  JC26e4U: but u just got there.

  raisinrodriguez: Everything’s changed. My dad has a fancy new car. pia and claudia have a new bff named vivvy. Even House of Pies changed its menu.

  JC26e4U: Maybe you need to give it a little more time.

  raisinrodriguez: howz that gonna help? Time isn’t gonna make the bff go away.

  JC26e4U: but maybe u’ll start 2

  raisinrodriguez: I don’t even think it’ll make the House of Pies menu go back to the way it was. Unless maybe it’s a seasonal thing.

  JC26e4U: like them?

  raisinrodriguez: wait some 1 else is IMing me. Someone I don’t recognize. Do u know anyone whose screen name is Siobhan99?

  JC26e4U: no. what a weird screen name

  raisinrodriguez: they keep asking me if I’m here. Betr go c who it is.

  JC26e4U: k

  raisinrodriguez: u’l
l never gess who it was. The grl I was telling u about. Pia and claudia’s new bff.

  JC26e4U: thought u said her name was vivvy.

  raisinrodriguez: that’s what I thought 2. But she just told me vivvy’s a nickname. her real name is that other name—siobhan.

  JC26e4U: how do you pronounce that?

  raisinrodriguez: she said it’s pronounced shi-von.

  JC26e4U: well maybe it’s pronounced shi-von but it looks like she was named after a typo.

  raisinrodriguez: did u just say “it looks like she was named after a typo?”

  JC26e4U: is that a good thing?

  raisinrodriguez: yes

  JC26e4U: then that’s what I sed

  raisinrodriguez: is this still Jeremy?

  JC26e4U: of course

  raisinrodriguez: Jeremy Craine?

  JC26e4U: YES

  raisinrodriguez: from Franklin Academy?

  JC26e4U: y do u keep asking?

  raisinrodriguez: because that was the funniest thing you ever said

  raisinrodriguez: and quite possibly the funniest thing anyone in the world ever said.

  JC26e4U: thanks. glad I could

  raisinrodriguez: I mean that was LOL funny

  JC26e4U: b of service

  raisinrodriguez: not 2 mention LOL funny

  raisinrodriguez: LTIC funny 2 raisinrodriguez: and might I add, PIMP funny raisinrodriguez: Oh . . . that was good

  JC26e4U: u know I can b

  raisinrodriguez: w8! LOLA! don’t want to spoil the moment.

  raisinrodriguez: (that’s LOLA as in laughing out loud again, not LOLA my sister LOLA)

  raisinrodriguez: (though talk about your bad names. If I had to choose between being named after a typo or named after the abbreviation for laughing out loud again, I’m not sure which I’d pick.)

  raisinrodriguez: (Especially an abbreviation that you end up having to explain anyway.)

  raisinrodriguez: named after a typo! Ha! You slay me, Craine.

  raisinrodriguez: HaHA! TYPO! Gets better every time.

  JC26e4U: can I say something?

  JC26e4U: rae?

  JC26e4U: u still there? raisinrodriguez: sorry, I fell off my chair

  JC26e4U: can I say something?

  raisinrodriguez: from laughing so hard

  raisinrodriguez: yes u may

  JC26e4U: just that . . . y’know . . . I can be funny a lot. Lynn thought I was very funny.

  raisinrodriguez: no, I know. I mean, sure she did. Anyway, I gotta go. But thnks, I feel better.

  JC26e4U: but I didn’t do anything raisinrodriguez: sure u did. Thnks again.

  JC26e4U: Wait! What did Typo want? raisinrodriguez: dunno. I told her I’d write her back after I was done chatting with you.

  Lynnsy, I guess it must be true what they say. That behind every good man is a good woman.

  Hey—is it okay with you that I showed you the IM convo I had with Jeremy? I mean, you’re over him and everything, right?

  Comments:

  Logged in at 7:03 PM, PST

  Fippy: Sorry it took so long to respond. Like Jer said, we were at Black Christmas rehearsal. Try not to let that Vivvy girl upset you too much. Maybe she’s just insecure.

  PS—Do you think Danny might be your dad’s girlfriend? PPS—What did Jeremy say to make you feel so much better?

  7:11 PM, PST

  What did Jeremy say to make me feel better? C’mon, Fippy, work with me . . .

  That joke he made about Vivvy’s name—Siobbo whatever. It was hilarious. Tremendously clever, yet extremely witty. He really hit the nail on the head. It’s hard to feel angry at someone who’s been named after a typo. That can’t be a good thing.

  From now on, whenever she says something a little mean or whenever my plans have to change because of something she wants to do, I’ll remember that she was named after a typo and I won’t feel as bad.

  And as far as Danny goes, I highly doubt she’s my father’s new girlfriend. He’s really not the “new girlfriend” type.

  I guess there’s no way I could be positive of this without proof, so I’ll look into it tomorrow when I meet her. But in the meantime, I’m pretty sure she’s not.

  7:12 PM, PST (and 56 seconds)

  For a fifty-six-second conversation, I’d say we covered a lot of ground.

  Me: Hey, CJ, how are you?

  CJ: Good.

  (Pause.)

  Me: So, I’m here in Berkeley.

  CJ: Yeah, I know. I recognized the area code.

  Me: Really? How?

  CJ: Because I know all the U.S. area codes by heart.

  (I start to cry. Probably because I’m sad about everything that’s happened today. But possibly because my boyfriend memorizes area codes.)

  (Another pause. I’m not sure if it’s because CJ doesn’t notice that I’m crying or doesn’t know what to do or say about it.)

  Me: In case you’re wondering why I’m crying, it’s because I’ve had a terrible day. Pia and Claudia have a new best friend, Vivvy, and it looks like she’s going to be spending every minute with us. And my dad has this new friend named Daniela and she’s coming on the boat ride with us tomorrow night, so we don’t even get to spend that time as just the two of us. And I know this isn’t really the same thing, but even this place called House of Pies changed their menu and NOTHING is the same anymore.

  CJ: My violin teacher redecorated her house once, and for the first month afterward I tripped on the umbrella stand every time I went for a lesson.

  (Pause while I try to remember why I like him. I remember his eyelashes and his cinnamon scent. Which doesn’t do me much good as neither can be transmitted through the phone.)

  CJ: I guess I’ve run out of things to say. Bye.

  Me: Okay, have fun at Black Christmas. Bye!

  Oh, well, it was good to hear his voice, anyway. Though even that was touch-and-go until I figured out that I needed to press my ear really close to the receiver.

  At least I have Jeremy’s joke to keep me going. HA! TYPO!

  I feel better already. Guess I’ll go see what the typo wanted.

  Comments:

  Logged in at 7:22 PM, PST

  Lynn: I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. And it’s totally fine that you posted your IM convo with Jeremy. I’m moving on. Looking to try new things. Maybe a younger man next. We’ll see . . .

  About Vivvy . . . Maybe she’s just nervous and that’s why she’s saying all the wrong things.

  7:54 PM, PST

  Maybe she is nervous. I guess life as a typo will do that to ya.

  Anyway, the Typo wanted to know if I wanted to meet “everyone” to go ice skating later tonight. And by “everyone” she means Pia, Claudia, and Jackson, her boyfriend.

  I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE THE POOR BOY WHO CALLS VIVVY SIOBHAN TYPO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

  10:53 PM, PST

  Once upon a time there was a girl. And when that girl turned thirteen, she got her period. As if that wasn’t traumatizing enough, the girl used tampons and made the mistake of following the instructions that come inside the box. The ones that say, “Use a mirror to guide you.” The girl was so shocked by what she saw she had to write about it on her secret blog—the one meant exclusively for her friends Pia and Claudia. The only way to describe what she saw was to compare it to the pink and wrinkly face of their former school librarian, Mervis.

  One day, everyone in her school found out about this comparison and decided it would be funny to call the girl “Mervis” as a joke. But jokes aren’t funny to the person who’s at the butt of them. In fact, they are painful and humiliating. So the girl was very sad until the Mervis-calling stopped. This made the girl very happy.

  Until someone called her Mervis once more. And the girl had to go through the pain and humiliation all over again.

  The end.

  Sad story—isn’t it? And the saddest part of all? It’s not a story. It’s true.

  When I first got to Bay City Ice Skating Rink
, Pia and Claudia were the only two people there. I got on my skates, and the three of us went out on the ice and pretended we were in Ice Capades like we always do. Pia and Claudia pretended to be ice dancers because they’re pretty good skaters, and I pretended to be a clown because I’m not that good and the clowns fall a lot.

  One time I fell, and Pia and Claudia each grabbed an arm to help me up. Then we skated for a while with our arms linked, and I could tell they had something they wanted to say.

  So I decided to make it easier on them.

  “May I help you, young ladies?” I asked.

  “Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to surprise you with Vivvy. Maybe we should have prepared you instead,” Pia said.

  “Especially since she can take some getting used to,” Claudia added.

  “You know that about her?” I asked.

  “Totally,” said Pia.

  Hearing this made me feel a lot better. In fact, I wasn’t even feeling angry at her anymore. Maybe because it was a sign that Pia and Claudia didn’t necessarily like her better than me. Since I was feeling better about my friendship with Pia and Claudia, I decided I would talk to them about CJ.

  “I need to tell you guys something before she gets here,” I began. “I’m starting to wonder about CJ. I mean, his weirdness didn’t used to bother me, but now it’s kind of starting to. Maybe it’s because we’re three thousand miles apart, and I can’t see his face, so the weirdness doesn’t get balanced out by the gooourgeoussssitttttyyyyy—” I lost my footing and went down again. Flat on my butt.

  “Whose gorgeousity?” I heard someone say as Pia and Claudia reached down to help me up. But the only other person on the ice besides us was some girl spinning through the air. As she landed perfectly on her left foot and finished off with a final twirl, I was able to see her face. It was Vivvy, with an acute case of professional-ice-skater-itis.

  “We were just talking about CJ,” Pia said.

  “And his talking deficiency?” Vivvy asked.