Thinking back to how she had saved his life the night before just put the final nail in his coffin. He couldn’t deny his true feelings for her any longer. He was head over heels in love with her! Which was not professional at all. Why didn’t they cover this possibility in med school?
How on earth was he supposed to be near her on a daily basis and without kissing and touching her? Now that he knew the joys to be found in that endeavor, he wanted to do it again. And again. And again. The kiss they had shared still shook his body and sent waves of stimulus up and down his spine when he thought about it.
His common sense usually disrupted the memory by reminding him he would ruin his career by continuing to go down this path. A career he’d worked so very hard for.
Unlike most of the patients he worked with, David did not come from great affluence. He came from a middle class family and fought for his education. He had worked two jobs to put himself through med school, and studied at nights. After some excruciating and exhausting years he finally graduated at the top of his class.
Now he was one of the most renowned young psychiatrists in the country and after several interviews and working his way up, he had landed this well-paid and prestigious job at Sunset Malibu. He was the lead psychiatrist at one of the premier rehab facilities in North America! The youngest one ever to hold such a prominent position.
Since he had graduated from university, all he had wanted was to help people deal with their inner demons and become better prepared for life. This is why I went to work in rehab center. In his dreams, sick people would come here and change their lives for the better. They’d go back into the world, as a changed person, someone able to cope with the harsh realities of life.
Unfortunately, he’d become very disillusioned with his job. He worked in the most prestigious psychiatric clinic in the country, supposedly helping patients to overcome depression and addictions, but he work still filled empty. His career hadn’t played out as he wanted.
David truly wanted to help people. These celebrities didn't want to change. They wanted a quick fix and in a year or two, they'd be back again. He only had worked there three years, but some of his colleagues had been with the clinic for more than twenty years. According to them, some of the patients were regulars who came back every year.
It was as if they scheduled a rehab treatment into their calendars, between movies or concert tours, just to go back and fall into the same old behaviors within a few weeks of leaving the center.
This was not what he wanted. That kind of yo-yo approach to therapy wasn’t true recovery. It was simply a short-term fix and not something he was proud to be a part of. Sure he worked with some world-renowned people, but he didn’t care one bit if his patient was a celebrity or not.
He was trapped. The money was excellent, and the facility amazing. State-of-the-art everything. Money didn’t matter. He was allowed to attend any advanced training or conferences he wished. If he needed new equipment, they board of directors usually approved it within a few weeks. He knew there wasn’t another clinic like it in the U.S., maybe not in the world. But he didn’t really make a difference in people’s lives. And that was the reason why he had gone into this field.
Not for the first time, he wondered if what he was doing was even worth it. Perhaps he should seriously think about changing careers?
Chapter 11
Three days later…
Lara approached the therapy room without any enthusiasm for the upcoming session. Oscar had been so-so, and had she started therapy with him first, probably would have been okay with things. But her heart wanted David back.
She had spent much of her free-time trying to process the fact that he had essentially run away. She didn’t believe one bit in the personal emergency. Ha! Maybe he should take some of his own medicine and be responsible for his actions.
She gave her perfunctory knock on the door and then entered the room. She shut the door and headed towards the seat she normally occupied, oblivious to the fact that David was standing at the door, which led to his private office, watching her.
“Lara?”
Lara heard the familiar voice and whirled around. Her heart sped up and she smiled at him, “David! You’re back!”
“Yes, sorry about having to leave so suddenly. Family emergency!”
Lara noticed that David couldn’t meet her eyes when he told the lie, but she was so glad to have him back, she decided to ignore it. “I hope everything’s okay.”
“It will be.”
Lara took her seat as David did the same. “So, I’ve been meeting with Oscar…”
“And how did that go?” David asked, having already read his colleague’s progress notes. No major breakthroughs had happened during his absence.
“It was okay, I guess. It wasn’t like talking to you,” Lara admitted, giving him a shy smile.
David watched her for a moment and cleared his throat. “Lara, I think we need to discuss what happened that night by the pool.”
Lara nodded, but said nothing.
David took a breath and said, “As your doctor, it’s my job to ensure our relationship doesn’t cross certain boundaries. That can be very hard during therapy sessions because of the emotions that are brought to the forefront.”
Lara nodded in understanding, still saying nothing.
“I believe we have crossed that line, and if we can’t agree to keep things purely professional from now on, I will have no choice but to turn your therapy sessions over to Oscar permanently.”
Lara looked at him and shook her head, “Please don’t do that. I have come to trust you and can tell you things that I wouldn’t be able to tell him.”
“Be that as it may…”
“Please let me finish?” When he nodded, she continued, “I’ve done some thinking since that night, and I’m not ready for a relationship. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and it wouldn’t be fair to me, or anyone else, if I got involved with someone right now.”
David was stunned at her mature insight, “I’m glad you can recognize that. This shows true progress.”
Lara smiled at him, “I really like you. A lot. That incident at the pool was awesome. But, I need to focus on getting my own life back together right now. I agree, we shouldn’t see each other outside of our therapy sessions. Our morning session. Because I decided to give the group session in the afternoon a try.”
David nodded his head, “That probably is for the best. I can’t tell you how pleased I am to see you making those kind of decisions for yourself. Lara, you are making progress.”
Lara nodded, pleased with his praise. “I wasn’t in a good shape while you were gone. I need you. As doctor, and as a friend.”
“Ok. Let’s get to work. You look like you have something on your mind. Is there something specific you want to try and deal with today?”
Lara looked down at her lap and nodded. She had come so far, with recognizing her own failures and character defects, but before she could go any farther, she needed to get this one thing out of her way. The guilt was eating her alive!
Her voice cracked “I’ve done some things I’m very ashamed of.”
David nodded reassuringly, “We all have. The best way to deal with those things when they come up is to meet them head on, see them for what they were, and then figure out a way to rid yourself of the guilt and move forward.”
Lara wanted to run away and instinctively ducked even more, scanning the floor, unable to meet David’s eyes. This was her darkest secret, the one that kept her up at night, consumed with guilt and shame. How on earth would she be able verbalize what she’d done? It was horrible!
David watched her struggle, and after several minutes, suggested, “Why don’t you tell me what happened and then we’ll look at it piece by piece together?”
Lara finally looked at him and whispered, “It’s really bad! I mean, I think about it and can’t believe that was me!”
David was slightly concerned, no
t having seen her this upset about any other aspect of her life so far. “Go ahead and tell me. Remember, there’s no judgment here, and everything you say in this room is confidential.”
Lara nodded and took a deep breath before she began. “Remember I told you about my last boyfriend, Peter?”
David nodded, settling back in his chair for what he assumed was going to be a lengthy story. “Go on.”
“After we broke up, he started seeing this really nice girl…”
“Rachel. Yes, we’ve talked about her before. You were very jealous of her and blamed her for Peter having left you. But, I thought we’d already dealt with this. Rachel didn’t meet Peter until after you had already broken up, correct?”
“Yes,” Lara nodded her head, “that’s correct. But, at the time, all I saw was that she was with him and I wasn’t. I was so jealous of her. I even managed to arrange it so that the trip to Spain would take months, instead of weeks. I convinced my father to let me oversee the American team, thinking that if I had Peter to myself for three months, he’d forget about Rachel and come back to me.”
“But that didn’t happen, did it?” David asked.
“No. Rachel had an aunt who lived outside Barcelona and she came to Spain for an entire month.”
David raised his eyebrow at this information, but said nothing. “Go on.”
“I was so furious when I found out she’d followed him across the Atlantic. I even started following them around.” Seeing David’s look, she said, “I’m not proud of my actions, I’m just telling you what happened. Okay?”
David smiled at her, “Lara, my job isn’t to judge, it’s to listen and help you find a way to deal with things.”
Lara nodded before she continued, “They went to Siurana for the weekend and I followed them. I was so jealous of them being together. One evening, I saw them getting ready to cross the street. He was holding hands with her, and smiling down at her. They looked so happy together.
I wasn’t even thinking, I just reacted. I wanted to get him away from her. I wanted her to leave.”
David watched as Lara grew quiet, a sense of unease causing him to lower his voice, “Lara, tell me what happened next.”
Lara sighed, “I was driving around a corner. I watched Peter step out into the street and I floored the gas pedal. I was so jealous, it was like I was seeing everything through this red filter.
I remember realizing that I was going to hit them, and I swerved the car at the last moment. But I wasn’t fast enough. I hit Peter and knocked Rachel to the ground. I was so shocked that I hadn’t been able to avoid hitting him, I gunned the engine and drove off.
I wanted to go back and see if he was okay, but I was afraid to see the censure in his eyes.” Lara huffed out a derisive laugh. “I didn’t realize I had nothing to worry about. Peter lost all memory of the accident and much of his past.
When he arrived at the hospital, they called the office for some administrative stuff and the secretary in turn asked me to notify his family in the states, and that’s when I realized what I’d done. He was seriously injured and it was all my fault.”
Lara chanced a glance at David’s face, cringing when she saw the censure in his eyes before he hid it behind a professional mask. “I thought about telling someone, but I was afraid of what the police might do. I was a foreigner in their country and I was afraid to tell the truth.”
***
David couldn’t think of anything to say when she finished speaking. In fact, he was completely shocked. By all intents and purposes, she had attempted to kill both Peter and his girlfriend. This was by far the most serious crime anyone had ever admitted to him, and he was torn. As her doctor, he was not supposed to tell anyone what had been told him in confidence.
But what Lara had done was a severe crime, and there were serious consequences for hit-and-run drivers. He wasn’t sure what the penalty was in Spain, but they tended to be much more strict than the U.S., so it would most definitely include some prison time.
“The guilt has been eating me up. I think that’s what finally drove me to climb on top of that building. I didn’t see any other way out. The guilt and shame was always there, and I couldn’t get away from it.”
David took a breath to gather his thoughts. Oh my god, this much worse than I thought! What am I supposed to do? Should I turn her in to the authorities? He fought to remember the advice of his professor at med school, when he took a class about psychiatry for prisoners. You’re psychiatrists, not law-enforcement, your job is to help your patients, not to judge. If you can help them deal, you might even be able to prevent further crimes.
He needed to muster all his professionalism to be able to say; “Lara, the fact that you feel guilty about what you did is a good start.”
“But how do I get rid of it?” Lara asked, a plea in her voice.
He hoped she wouldn’t have another breakdown and frantically search for words that might calm her down. “You said you tried to swerve at the last minute, which tells me you didn’t intend to kill or injure Peter and his girlfriend. But now we have to deal with the fact that your actions, intentional or not, did cause injury and suffering to Peter.”
Lara nodded her head, a tear slipping from her eye and running down her cheek. She reached up to wipe it away before asking, “How do I do that?”
“The only way to get rid of the guilt is to come clean about what happened.”
“You mean, go to the police in Spain and tell them everything?” Lara asked in a horrified whisper. “I don’t know if I can do that!“
David shook his head, “No, that doesn’t make much sense. I’m not an expert here, but you’d have to fly back to Spain. There would be a trial; Peter would have to fly back to Spain as well. No, that doesn’t make much sense.”
“So what then? Are you suggesting I tell the local authorities what I did?”
David had found his confidence again. Finally his mind was working properly and he remembered quite a few lessons from the law classes he took at university. “No. There’s not anything they can do, because it hasn’t happened in our country. They’d probably tell you to report yourself to the Spanish authorities.”
He gave her some time to process his words, before he continued. “You won’t get rid of your guilt by paying some fine, or serving a prison sentence. The only way to come to peace with yourself again is to gain forgiveness from those you wronged.”
David waited a breath for her to make the jump to the correct actions. When she said nothing, but just continued to stare at him, he sighed and offered her the solution, “Lara, you need to tell Peter and Rachel what happened, apologize for your actions, and ask for their forgiveness.”
Lara started shaking her head, very agitated, “No! You don’t have any idea of what your asking me to do! I cannot tell Peter and Rachel what I did. There has to be another way to deal with this!”
David saw her anxiety grow and wanted to take her into his arms to ease her pain. He wanted to cuddle her and tell her everything would be ok. Quickly he pushed those thoughts away and shook his head, “Lara, there isn’t. If you truly want to get rid of the guilt, you have to come clean with them about what happened.”
“I can’t!” Lara exclaimed, surging to her feet in anger. “I can’t believe you expect me to!”
David sat there, willing her to calm down so they could continue their discussion. He started to invite her to sit back down, but she never gave him the chance.
“I’m glad you’re back! I really am! But I can’t come clean with them about this. I told you. That’s going to have to be enough. You’re supposed to have all the answers. Figure out another way for me to get rid of this guilt. I’m absolutely NOT telling Peter what happened. I can’t and I won’t.”
Lara turned on her heel, slamming the door open in her haste to escape. David watched her leave, concern mounting over her refusal to deal with her actions. Maybe she hadn’t made as much progress as he’d thought.
Chapter 1
2
The next two weeks were almost unbearable for Lara and David. True to her word, Lara had joined the afternoon group session, so she only had to see David in the mornings.
They both avoided the topic of Peter’s accident, which made their discussions very awkward. Lara answered his questions with generalities, and David had stopped probing into her issues.
They were simply at a stalemate. After several days of this, David realized that her unwillingness to even discuss the accident had stalled her recovery and attempted to bring the topic up.
“Lara, I’d like to revisit what you told me several sessions ago about Peter’s accident.”
Lara adamantly shook her head, “I still haven’t changed my mind. I told you and if that’s not enough to clear my conscience, then so be it. I won’t tell Peter what happened.”
David looked at her, “Don’t you see how this is affecting your recovery?”
“My recovery is going fine. You said so yourself, I’ve made remarkable progress.”
David sighed, “You do realize that this particular issue will always continue to be a problem if you don’t deal with it?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. I already feel much better just having told you what happened.”
“But, don’t you want to finally be free of your guilt?” David pressed.
Lara remained silent. Finally David gave up and changed the subject back to the mundane. He tried several times over the next few days to bring the subject up, but each time she stonewalled him. She was too stubborn!
She was also avoiding him. Even though they were no longer meeting in the afternoon, several times David had seen her coming down the hallway, only to see her catch sight of him and change direction. It was a very awkward situation and he toyed with the idea of stepping aside as her doctor, but decided against it.
Falling for Him 4 (Rachel and Peter in Love) Page 5
