The Will to Love

by Lindsay McKenna

  “Don’t worry about it,” she murmured. “Morgan came by and told me that Diablo attacked again in Area Five and that he ordered you to stay out in the field with another squad to help protect the people.”

  Grimacing, Quinn ran his fingers through his short, dark hair. “Yeah. We got there before they did any real damage.”

  “Everyone safe?” Hungrily, Kerry absorbed his exhausted features. All she wanted to do right now was lie with him, hold him and let him know that she loved him. But it was still too soon for that, she knew.

  “Yeah. They took off just as we landed in the Huey. The people were shaken up, but okay.”

  “Morgan said the medical teams were delayed?”

  “I’m afraid so. Flight schedules are being juggled all the time because of high-priority needs. Right now, medicine is not the top dawg, but Morgan’s trying to make it so.”

  “Why not?” Anger moved through her. “I heard cholera is breaking out all over the place,” she said, trying to curb her frustration. Cholera was a deadly disease found in squalid third world countries, not the U.S.A. It shocked Kerry to realize that it was here now, only miles away from the base. That living conditions out there were worsening daily.

  “Water and food still have top billing but Logistics are trying to get the medical teams in there, thanks to Morgan pushin’ his weight around to get them prioritized,” Quinn said with a slight smile. He saw the worry etched on Kerry’s face. “Good news, though. Petula is fine, as is Sylvia and everyone you know back in Area Five. They said to send their hellos to you.”

  Brightening, Kerry sighed. “Oh, good! You know, deep down in my heart, Quinn, I’m a big worrywart.”

  Chuckling, he said, “I know.” Reaching out, he captured her hand with his larger one. “Listen,” he said, his voice dropping to a rough growl, “we need to talk. I need to level with you. I’m scared to do it, afraid of the outcome, but I owe you that, Kerry. And I owe it to myself.”

  She curled her fingers around his, light upon dark. The back of Quinn’s hand was hairy; hers was white and smooth. Heart pumping violently for a moment, she licked her lips and gravely met his narrowing blue gaze.

  “I know…I’ve got to come clean, too. And I’m scared, if that makes you feel any better?” One corner of her mouth curved upward. She saw some of the tension in his face ease. Just her touching him was helping Quinn’s distress. That realization was wonderful to Kerry. Touch, for her, was so important and so healing.

  “Okay, sweet pea…should I go first?”

  “Yeah,” Kerry said wryly, “I’m too scared. Brave ones go first.”

  Snorting softly, Quinn leaned over and pressed a small kiss to the back of her hand, which was warm now, not chilled as it had been days ago. “I’m a coward over matters of the heart,” he confided. “But here goes….” And he took in a ragged breath and let it out.

  “When you got hit out there in the field, Kerry, something I’d been avoiding since I met you broke loose and hit me right between the runnin’ lights, in the middle of my forehead. When I ran to your side after the firefight, I thought you were dead. I was so scared. Scared to death. I remember the thought howling inside my head and heart—that this wasn’t fair. I’d just met you…thought so much of you…was attracted to you. This couldn’t be happening!”

  Gazing deeply into his troubled eyes, Kerry whispered, “So you liked me a little?”

  Lifting his other hand, he grazed her flaming cheek. “That’s an understatement….”

  “I see….”

  Unsure, Quinn searched her warm gray eyes, which grew lustrous at his halting admittance. Fear ate at him. He had to go on, had to be honest with her. “I didn’t go into Area Five expecting to meet a woman I’d be drawn to. I didn’t know what to expect, Kerry, but I didn’t expect how I’d feel about you.” He ran his fingers lightly down her arm and allowed them to come to rest on top of her small, slender hand.

  “I got burned real bad in a relationship a couple of years ago. The gal turned on me after I asked her to marry me. I found out then that she wanted an officer. She was a social climber. She didn’t want some lowly lance corporal in the Marine Corps. As soon as some green lieutenant right out of the Naval Academy made eyes at her, she started chasing him and let me go.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Kerry said. She saw the anger and hurt in his expression. “That must have been awful. You were sincere. She wasn’t.”

  “Exactly.” Quinn stared down at Kerry’s hand for a moment. “So, when I met you, I wasn’t expecting to…well, fall for you like that….”

  His mouth was working, his brows were knitted and he wasn’t meeting her gaze. Kerry could feel him wrestling within himself. Gently, she whispered, “Quinn, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with you, either, but I have.”

  The words landed like bombs and exploded within him. Jerking his chin up, he saw Kerry smiling softly, tears glistening in her wide, doelike eyes.

  “You—love me?”

  “Yes. Don’t ask me how or when it happened.” She gave a half laugh and shook her head. “I sure wasn’t looking for a man, Quinn. After losing Lee, I knew the universe wasn’t going to put a second good man in front of me.” Her smile fading, Kerry choked out the words. “But they did. They gave me you, Quinn.”

  Sitting very still, he digested her tearful words. Kerry loved him. It took long, precious seconds for that realization to really sink into his wildly beating heart. Unable to catch his breath, he sat there, her hand enclosed in his, their gazes clinging together in the warmth and humidity and peace of the silent greenhouse.

  Kerry had more courage than he did, Quinn realized. She’d admitted her love for him first. Getting up on one knee and cupping her shoulders, he said in a rasp, “And I’ve fallen in love with you…and I don’t know how or when or why, either. I just know I have, Kerry.”

  There, the truth. The unvarnished reality of how he felt was out. He saw his awkward words touch Kerry, saw the joy leap in her sparkling gray eyes. His hands tightened for a moment on her shoulders as she raised her own hands to frame his face.

  “I’m scared, Quinn. Scared to death to feel like I do toward you.”

  “Me, too. It’s the wrong place, Kerry. The wrong time. Bad timing.”

  “Either of us could get killed out there in the line of duty. I almost died already. In another week, I’m going home, back to Area Five, to carry on my work there.”

  His hands squeezed her shoulders, firm and loving. “I know you’re goin’ back there. Morgan already told me.”

  “You’ll be with me, right?” She simmered with joy and with fear as she drowned in his aqua gaze, which was filled with love toward her.

  “Every moment, sweet pea. I’m not lettin’ you out of my sight. We’ll work that area together. That’s what Morgan has in mind—a melding of military and civilian law enforcement to hold the fabric of the place together. With both of us back there, I know we can stabilize it.”

  “Together,” Kerry said, “like the good team we’ve become.”

  “I want to kiss you….”

  She smiled tenderly. “I’d like nothing better, Quinn. I need you….” And she did. Leaning forward, she met his descending mouth. His breath was warm and moist, flowing against her cheek as he moved his lips adoringly across hers. There was such restraint in him, as if she were a priceless vase that would shatter if he put too much stress on it.

  “I won’t break,” she whispered against his mouth, and smiled as she opened her eyes and met his gaze.

  Feeling her lips curve in a smile, Quinn eased away momentarily. “You’re strong, sweet pea. Strong and beautiful and every inch the kind of woman I’ve always dreamed of, but never thought I would meet.”

  Laughing softly with happiness, Kerry slid her fingertips across his hard jawline to his thickly corded neck. “Then kiss me silly…! I really need you, Quinn. You make me feel safe and warm and good all at the same time….”

  Not wanting to disappo
int her, Quinn eased his hands across her jaw and tilted her head just slightly to take full advantage of her smiling mouth. This time, he moved his lips against hers with a deep, searching abandon. Her breathing became chaotic. Her hands ranged restlessly against his neck and shoulders as he tasted her, cajoled her and made her a part of him as never before.

  His lower body burned hotly, with almost a painful cramping sensation, he wanted her so badly. Yet Quinn knew the time wasn’t right, at least not yet. They’d barely met. They needed the coming weeks and months to get to know one another better. As he glided his mouth against hers, tasted her and inhaled her special feminine fragrance, Quinn sensed they’d both know when that time came.

  Lost in the explosive heat and exploration of his strong male mouth against her softer lips, Kerry sighed. Quinn was powerful without being hurtful. As he caressed her head, her neck and shoulders, as if committing it all to memory, Kerry felt as if she were the most adored person on the face of the earth. How badly she wanted Quinn in all ways. Because of the past, she needed time to say a final farewell to Lee before she embarked on a new path with this incredible man who now held her so carefully and lovingly.

  Easing back, Kerry gazed up at Quinn. His shoulders were so broad and capable, and he was so near to her, so solid and warm. “I never expected this, Quinn…not now, not ever….”

  Sliding his hands across her shoulders and down her arms, to capture her hands in her lap, Quinn sat back on his boot heels. His heart was thudding with longing, his chest expanding with joy. The happiness burning in Kerry’s eyes was real, and it made him feel good about himself as a man.

  “I didn’t either, Kerry. Maybe that’s why it’ll work for us in the long run.”

  Nodding, she ran her tongue over her lower lip. Kerry liked the taste of Quinn. Her mouth tingled in the wake of his branding, capturing kiss. Trying to catch her breath, she managed a small, wry smile. “I need the time. I think you already know that.”

  “Yeah, I do. I’m willing to wait, Kerry. Good things are always worth waiting for, my ma says.”

  “Your ma is right,” she laughed breathlessly. Holding his hands, she absorbed his gentleness toward her.

  “We have a lot of work in front of us. And danger.” Quinn’s brow became furrowed for a moment. “It’s gonna take months before the L.A. basin gets back on a stable footing. And it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. Morgan was saying that they’re now entering the critical phase, where disease is going to begin to kill off thousands of people.”

  Sadness settled in Kerry’s heart. She looked around the quiet, empty greenhouse, breathed the fragrant perfume of orchids in bloom. “I know. I feel guilty even being here. Every time I eat a meal, I think of the thousands of people out there who are near starvation. It’s a horrible thing, and I feel so frustrated that I can’t change it or fix it.”

  “Nothing is gonna be a quick fix out there, Kerry.” He reached forward and grazed the right side of her rib cage below her breast. “You need to put more weight on you before you go back out in the field, too. If you aren’t strong and physically in shape, you can’t help in ways you need to. You know that.”

  Hanging her head, she whispered, “I do know. It’s just—hard, is all.”

  “That’s one of the many things I love about you, sweet pea,” he told her in a low, tender tone. “Your care of others. Your concern. You were feeding Petula what little food you could find, instead of yourself, I know.”

  “Can’t fool you, can I?” Kerry’s laugh was tinged with sadness.

  Shaking his head, Quinn said, “No, you can’t. You wear your heart, a heart as big as the mountains I was born in, on your sleeve, Kerry.” He squeezed her fingers gently. “I love you.”

  Reaching out, she touched Quinn’s sandpapery jaw and held his stormy blue gaze. “And I love you, too, Quinn. I’m glad we have the time. We’ll learn more and more about each other as we work together out there. I like that. I’m looking forward to being with you again. I miss you not being around.” Kerry allowed her fingers to drop from his hard jaw, and gazed around her. “I’m lonely without you. I like hearing what you think, learning from your hill experience, about your life….”

  “Every day I’m out there,” Quinn told her in a quiet voice, “I’m lonely without you near me, Kerry. I feel like I’m half a person. You complete me in a way I’ve never been completed before. It scares me, but it also makes me feel good.”

  “Let’s be scared together,” Kerry suggested. “Life is in chaos right now. But we have one another. We have more than most. Even out of this terrible, escalating disaster, some good has come—I found you. I fell in love with you. And it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  Epilogue

  February 1: 0600

  Quinn sat next to Kerry in Morgan Trayhern’s cramped office. Logistics was in high gear since the cholera epidemic had started. They each had cups of steaming coffee in their hands as Morgan sat down across from them, his brow deeply furrowed. Quinn could see the man wasn’t sleeping much; his eyes were bloodshot and shadowed with exhaustion.

  Feeling for their leader, Quinn said, “Sir? Could you use a cup of coffee to jump-start your morning?” It was 0600, and the sky outside the open venetian blinds behind Morgan’s desk was still dark.

  “What?” Morgan lifted his head from riffling through several files on his desk.

  “Coffee, sir? Can I pour you a cup?”

  A vague smile twisting his mouth, Morgan said, “No, thanks…I’ve been up since 0400, Quinn, and if I have any more coffee, my nerves are going to start shrieking.”

  Kerry glanced over at Quinn. Today was her first day back on the job. Her leg was healed up sufficiently, but not fully. She’d battled hard to get back out to Area Five instead of languishing here at Camp Reed. Part of her felt guilty for taking up bed space, and eating so well when starvation was rampant in the L.A. basin now. Another part of her ached to be back with the people she worried about constantly. With Quinn and his fire team going back with her, she felt elated and hopeful.

  “Well,” Morgan muttered, locating the file he wanted, “finally…” He pulled it open and flattened it on his desk with his large hands. Outside his partially opened door, the office was thrumming. People were walking quickly up and down the gleaming passageway. Everyone was in a hurry. Time had run out on them. People were dying not by tens or twenties now, but by hundreds. Those numbers would reach the thousands soon if Morgan didn’t get things in place pronto.

  Thumping the file with his index finger, he told Quinn, “I’ve finally managed to get medical teams on the priority list. With word coming back daily from the helicopter flights out there, the feds are finally realizing we have an epidemic about to blow up in our face.”

  “That’s great news, sir. At least about the medics.”

  “Yes, yes, it is.” Scowling, Morgan rummaged around on his messy desk again. “Kerry?”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “We’re going to get the first medical team, Alpha, into your area.”

  Clapping her hands, Kerry whispered, “Thank you!”

  “Don’t be so overjoyed,” Morgan growled. “Your area has more epidemics than any other. Cholera, typhoid, salmonella…People are drinking whatever water they can find, and it’s dirty and tainted. We’re losing a lot of infants and children.”

  Glumly, Kerry nodded. “I understand, sir. Still, having a medical team sent in brings hope, and that’s what the people need. They need to see the government working for them.”

  “It does…” he groused, frowning “…eventually. When enough pressure hangs over their heads. I’d like to put a few of those overweight senators and congressmen into the basin. They’d squall like scalded cats if they were deprived of their bread and butter for more than a day.”

  Quinn snorted. “There’s no bread or butter left in the basin, sir.”

  “Exactly my point.”

  Kerry saw the frustration in Morgan
’s face. Having talked with Laura, she understood his barely veiled anger. Morgan had single-handedly fought red tape right up to the president to get medical teams put on a higher priority status. More than most people in the higher echelons of federal government, Morgan knew about disease. He knew it from his time spent in Vietnam, and then in the French Foreign Legion. He’d seen deprivation, starvation and disease in Southeast Asia and in Africa. And because of his experience, he knew what would happen in the quake zone.

  “I’m sending in a reconnaissance team, Quinn, to work with the first medical team. I’ve managed to snag Dr. Samantha Andrews, a U.S. Navy doc, to help create crisis intervention teams. She’s going out with two nurses and two enlisted orderlies to see if they can start combating the epidemic.”

  Sitting up a little straighter, Quinn smiled. “You’re puttin’ a Recon team with a medical unit?”

  “I have to,” Morgan muttered. “If I don’t, and that medical team mixes up with Diablo, they could be murdered. No, I pulled strings to get this Recon unit pulled out of Kosovo and brought here to guard them.”

  “That’s a good idea, sir.”

  “You know Lieutenant Roc Gunnison? He’s the officer heading up this Recon team.”

  “A little,” Quinn said. “He was here at Camp Reed, and my team worked together with his from time to time before he was ordered overseas.”

  “What kind of man is he, Son? And don’t be PC—politically correct—okay? I need the goods on this man because he’s going to have to interface with Dr. Andrews. I know her. She’s a strong, capable woman with a lot of guts and common sense. That’s why I chose her to help create these med teams. She’ll see what’s wrong and know how to fix it to make the unit smoother and more reactive to the demands placed upon it.”

  Nodding, Quinn said, “I’m sure you have Captain Gunnison’s file there?”

  “Yes, I do. I happen to know his father, a very rich man who owns a computer company. Roc is a ring knocker.”

  “Ring knocker” was a term used for those who had graduated from Annapolis, a rarefied place where only the best navy and Marine Corps officers were chosen to go for an education. Quinn said, “He’s the paramedic on his team, sir. And he’s very good at what he does.”