by Susan Berran
“Done Mum … can we pleeease go to the beach now?” I pleaded as I slid my still very full suitcase under the bed.
“As soon as I’ve unpacked mine and your sister’s clothes. You could help by starting on your sister’s clothes for me” she replied.
“Yeah right Mum, gee I’d love to” I murmured, sarcastically under my breath, as we took off out the door to explore … obviously pretending not to hear her.
The hotel wasn’t real fla$h, actually it was a bit of a dive. There were three levels, arranged in a big semi-circle. It had a pool out front, but it was full of disgustingly green water, branches and a couple of chairs floating on top. You couldn’t see under the water past an inch from the surface.
Kind of like the pools you see in the movies when there’s a DEAD body that’s been floating around in it for days. The manager said there’d been a huge storm the day before we got there and that they’d be cleaning it in the next couple of days. It was pretty gross but I didn’t care. I knew we only had to follow the track out the back of the hotel for about a block and then we’d be at the beach and into the surf within minutes.
The track dropped away on the other side and down a steep embankment, to a small stream. Drink bottles and plastic bags floated along in the grimy water and then disappeared, sucked into the opening of a huge pipe that headed underground.
While we were waiting for Mum and Melly, we found this really hairy coconut sitting on the edge of the stream. So I whipped out my BULRAVIAN SECRET AGENT NINJA KNIFE WITH 101 USES and carved a message into it. Then we tossed it back into the stream and watched it disappear down the huge drainpipe.
I love my BULRAVIAN SECRET AGENT NINJA KNIFE WITH 101 USES; it’s so AWESOME! I made the world’s first ‘Luna Lobbing Egg Flicker’ with just my ‘NINJA KNIFE,’ a toaster, a vacuum cleaner and a tampoline. HEY, the moon didn’t have any craters until I used it for target practice. Unfortunately it doesn’t work with dung, Rats!
“C’mon Mum … hurry up!” I yelled through the window. OMG! How long does it take to chuck away her stuff?
“Well if someone would help with their sister!”
Mum called back.
She was sooo s l o w! If she didn’t put a rocket up her backside … like she was always telling me to do … we weren’t going to see the ocean at all on our first day. Mum was about as fast as a smooshed, road kill turtle. REALLY!
FINALLY … we headed along the track towards the beach, with Mum walking at the speed of a snail with a suction cup on its belly, just so that little Miss, ‘I’m-learning-to-walk-so-wait-for-me-or-I’ll-scream’ Jelly Melly could keep up! It was sooooo PAINFUL! Walk five steps … and wait … and wait … and wait … Walk five steps … and wait … and wait … aArrgrHh!! … and wait … I begged Mum to let us go ahead. “We’ll stop as soon as we get to the beach … promise!” I begged, but of course we definitely weren’t allowed to.
“We will be staying together!!” Mum boomed back, immediately.
“But Muuum …”
“Don’t start!”
“But she’s sooo slo …”
“You were this small once.”
“Yeah but not this annoying.”
“What did you say mister!?”
“Nothing.”
“I’m not in the mood!”
“Mumble… sister, mmumble … pain …” “One more word … just one more!!”
“But she …”
“We can turn back now, I don’t mind!”
“Ooooohh!”
“Right!! Turn around!!”
“I didn’t say a word! That’s wasn’t a word!”
“Not … another … sound!!”
Why couldn’t we just stick a pair of rollerblades on Miss, ‘I’m-such-a-perfect-pain in-the-butt’ Yelly Melly and just kick her along… gently of course. She’d learn to stand and walk properly real quick … or end up with a lot of bruises!
As we finally got to the end of the track beside the creek and crossed the last small crest, there it was; THe OCeAN. It seemed to stretch on forever and ever, all the way to the horizon. The waves sounded like thunder as they were sent crashing against the shoreline. As we finally strode onto the beach, our feet sunk down into the soft, white sand. Within the first few steps the, ‘down side’ of the beach suddenly came flooding back to us. The wind was blowing so strongly that it threw the sand at our bare skin and immediately stung like crazy. It was like being shot by millions of scalding hot pins. We were being sandblasted and I’d forgotten how much that hurts. And with the sweat pouring off us, winding its way down our hot, sticky bodies, the stinging particles of sand began to stick to us like a coat.
As we crossed the beach our eyes were fixed squarely on the water, the wonderful, CO O L , refreshing water. We watched as each wave came rolling in and SLAMMED into the sand, then sent ripples of foaming water running straight towards us. It was as if the ocean itself was trying to hypnotise us and compel us to come and swim in it.
I turned to glance back and see where Mum and Melly were up to. Yep, they were still wandering along with Mum continuously encouraging Yelly Melly to … “Keep going, you’re nearly there.”
Aaarrrh! I just wanted to go back there, pick up Yelly Melly and load her onto a giant slingshot, then send her flying through the air and down to the water’s edge in one shot! Kind of like how me and Jared ditch loaded nappies.
Man, they’re disgusting! But at least me and Jared have found a great way to occasionally recycle them. We really try to be environmentally responsible … yeah right! We’re always making stuff, awesome stuff. Me and Jared are trying to get into the
and to go down in history as the universal champions of champions of ‘Dung Flung Far’. Cool ha? We knew the record for tossing a cow pat was 81.1metres in 1981. And we reckoned that we could beat that! Even if we weren’t trying and the wind was blowing in our face. So this one time we headed for our top secret hideout, out in the paddock behind Jared’s place, to go for the record.
The old machinery shed was just a tangle of machines, tractors, roof and steel. It was bulldozed ages ago, but we could still get under the mangled, balancing death-trap.We were sooo banned from being anywhere near it. Our mums had made it very clear to us that our lives wouldn’t be worth living if we went anywhere within a mile of it. And we’d overheard them saying how they knew even we wouldn’t be stupid enough to go near it … so we showed them.
Anyway … so naturally that’s what made it the perfect hideout. But this invention had to be better than our ‘Crap Attack Dung-Flinging pooper Shooter’. We’d made that one using a bike, some chains and pedal power. It was incredibly awesome. That thing shot loaded nappies and dung balls twenty metres and more. It did cost us a lot of detention … when one of our sloppiest, smelliest shots hit the new school principal right in the head. It was a perfect shot though. But this one would have to be four times as awesome as the last one we’d built.
It would have to be DOUBLe-TASTIC!
Ok, where were we…? Oh yeah. Our latest and greatest pooper shooter would have to be QUADrUPLe-TASTIC!
We spent every spare minute that we could sneak away, designing it, working on it, testing it over and over. One of the good things was that there was never a shortage of ammunition with Miss Smelly Melly ‘I’m-a-huge-poopy-factory’ Prissy Pants around. It seemed to take forever, but with my brains and Jared’s brawn, it started to come together.
I kind of figured that if it had to be four times as good as the ‘Crap Attack Dung-Flinging pooper Shooter’, then it just made sense for it to be four times as big. At least! Plus I had the best idea ever!
A clapped-out old tractor was laying on its side with the underneath, back wheel missing. Sticking up in the air was the huge steel rim of the other wheel, with the tyre no longer on it. We attached a massive steel chain to the huge wheel rim. Then we got an actual rubber conveyor belt to use as the ‘sLING’ and hung it across a huge gap, with one end attached to a tree and the other
end attached to the only remaining shed corner post. At the centre of the rubber belt, we’d attached the other end of the chain. Now, imagine a GIANT sLINGshot where the wheel and chain worked to wind the conveyor belt back, just like a GIANT hand pulling back on the sling. So as the tractor wheel turned, the chain wound around it, pulling and stretching the conveyor belt back, further and further. Then, when we ‘let go’ of the tractor wheel it spun back the other way at the speed of light, releasing the chain and… twang!! The conveyor belt snapped back and fired the disgustingly putrid ‘ammo’.
This was going to be wicked!
‘Extra GINORMOUS Book of Incredibly Awesome and Unbelievable World Records ’ here I … I mean we, come.
It was a simple enough idea, but getting everything attached to everything else securely was a huge task, but there was no way we were going to give up! Never! So after sweating enough to create our own salt ocean … we’d done it, finally! We inspected our construction in complete amazement. Well Jared was amazed, I knew all along that it would work.
It was beautiful, it was humongous, it was awesome … it was the world’s first ‘Dung Chucker-Upper’.
It was time. With a couple of garbage bags full of Melly’s ‘SUPER’ ammunition, which we’d been saving for days, we were ready for the first test run. We loaded the conveyor belt sling and started to turn the wheel by hand to pull back the chain. It was moving, but only just. But we couldn’t even manage to turn it one full turn before it just wouldn’t budge any further. With the weight of the massive chain it was just too HeAvY. I took hold of the chain with both hands and Jared got a good tight grip on the wheel. This time we really put our backs into it and heaved with every muscle we could muster. But it was no use. We just weren’t strong enough.
A lever! We needed some sort of lever to wedge in through the wheel and help us turn it more easily.
For the rest of the day we searched the entire scrap heap of machines and garbage, looking for anything that might work. And each time we thought we had the solution nah! We tried all sorts of stuff, from rods of steel, to fishing rods nothing worked. We crawled under balancing vehicles and over razor sharp machine blades and found nothing! Then, when I thought I’d finally found the perfect steel bar, we realised that it was buried in with a heap of tangled barbed wire, some fencing and heaps of other bits of steel and stuff. We dug out rubbish and bits of machinery for hours, but I was sure this was the perfect bar that we needed to make it work. Jared was trying to help by pulling away more stuff from around its base as I tried to yank it free. It was like pulling a wooden spoon from a bowl of really thick overcooked porridge. Then we tried standing and balancing on the junk pile, both gripping the bar and pulling it upwards. It was coming, but a tangle of barbed wire and bits of fencing and stuff was coming up with it. But it was coming … coming … com …
THooP … aAarrhH … tWanG!! The rod suddenly sucked back down into the pile of barbed wire and stuff, pulling us down with it. Face first straight down and into the sharp, RUSTY barbed wire. It wasn’t very pretty. Exhausted and with the sun going down, I knew I had to get home. I needed food, water and sleep. And I needed bandages, lots and lots of bandages!
“Seeya tomorrow Jared,” I said as I picked up my bike to head off.
“ Yeah, seeya … hey maybe we could use the key for something. Do ya reckon? ” Jared said, looking blankly at me.
“What key?” not that I really cared. “ The one in the tractor cabin. ”
“Um … when did you notice that the tractor had a key in the ignition?” I said, now caring a whole lot more.
“ This morning, when we got here. ”
“Ah ha … and you didn’t think to mention it to me?” I continued.
“ Well, I couldn’t see the point. The tractor’s on its side so we can’t exactly go for a drive or anything. ”
“So the whole day, while we’ve been sweating and bleeding to look for something to turn the wheel easier … you didn’t think to mention the key. The key that makes the wheel turn … a whole lot easier!”
“ Soooooo, you think it will help then? ” AAArrrrHH!! Yep … Jared’s brain is like pillow stuffing … it keeps his head warm but that’s about all it’s good for.
The next day we got there nice and early. Phew! We could smell the stench of the ‘ammunition’ a mile away. The nappies had been in black plastic garbage bags for about a week by then and all the day before, we’d left them out on purpose in the sun. So by now, they pretty much reeked enough to knock out a charging rhinoceros.
We shoved a wad of rag up our nostrils to try and stop the stink. Nothing was going to stop us now. Jared tipped a bottle of petrol into the tractor’s tank and I got a handful of grease to smother around the axle and wheel for good measure. Just then it occurred to me that this would be more than just fairly dangerous … as usual. The tractor was half crushed and really ancient, the engine definitely crappy and we had no idea if the fuel tank was safe or not. It might start, it might not … it might just blow up. So we needed to decide who was going to turn the key.
I grabbed an old bottle top off the ground and flipped it high into the air.
“Hey Jared, Tops - you stay and turn the key … bottoms – I go and hide” I said quickly, flipping it high into the air.
“ Bottom ” came Jared’s call.
“Tops it is! You get to turn the key, I’m off!” I said snatching up the bottle top.
“ I didn’t see it! ” Jared complained.“Fine … call again!” I agreed, as I once again flipped it into the air.
“ Tops ” Jared called this time.
“Bottoms, sorry mate I get to go and hide.” I said, waiting a second to see if Jared realised what I’d said.
You know, sometimes I almost feel guilty … almost.
I ran over to the other side of the shed ruins and lay down in a ditch behind a tree … I wasn’t taking any chances. The way I figured it, there was a fifty-fifty chance the tractor would work … or blow up a crater the size of the Opera House. Actually it was probably more twenty-eighty for the crater.“Ready!” I called out to Jared.
“ Ok! ” came back.
cliCk cHug … cliCk cHug …
Jared then suddenly called out … “ Hey I think it’s … B o o M ! !
Ha gotcha … it actually worked! ”
The tractor was chugging away happily. I crept out of my safety ditch and got back over to Jared. We loaded the conveyor belt sLINGshot, and threw the tractor into gear. The wheel sputtered and squealed as it began to turn. And as the wheel turned, the heavy steel chain s l o w l y wound around it. As the chain wound, it pulled back the loaded conveyor belt. Tighter … tighter … a little bit more … a little bit …
“FIRE! ” Jared put the tractor into neutral and the wheel was let go. It spun back at warp speed seven, releasing the conveyor belt … twang! The GIANT sLINGshot sent its ‘ammunition’ hurling through the air. We watched as the gooshy bullet of smell disappeared off into the distance.
Leaping onto our bikes we took off across the paddock. Wow! It had crossed two paddocks and fallen just short of the cows in the next paddock. And the SPLATTER pattern … it looked like the nappy had just about totally disintegrated. We found bits of corn and carrots embedded into tree trunks like colourful little bullets, metres away from where the nappy had hit the ground. This was way COOL, because we hadn’t even taken it up to full strength yet!
This time we wound it back even further … a little more … twang … wwssss … MoOoOoo! Ok, so we knew that one was definitely in the cow paddock. It was time to go for the record and see what it could really do. Then we could go find and measure the furthest one. Jared started the engine and threw it into gear. I reached into the bag and picked up another nappy by the ‘corners’ and placed it onto the sLINGshot. The wheel kept turning, the chain kept winding and the belt kept stretching. Further and further, tighter and tighter. We could hear the rubber straining …
“FIRE!” I yelled out aga
in and we watched as the soggy load sailed through the air towards the horizon.
“Reload! ” Jared called with the tractor already back in gear and winding up again. On went the ‘ammo’ …
“FIRE! ” …
“ Reload ” …
“FIRE! ” …
“ Reload ” … We were a well-oiled crew, ready for action. The onslaught continued, nappy after nappy, shot after shot, until … crackle crackle crack …
“RUN! ” I yelled to Jared as I dived into an old freezer.
WwhhackKk! Tink tink tink tink . The conveyor belt had finally given out, snapping and sending bits of rubber flying high up into trees. The chain continued to spin on the wheel like a steel whip, going s l o w e r and s l o w e r until it eventually stopped. Thick black smoke poured from the rattling engine in its final dying moments.
Well, it was good while it lasted.
Jared crawled up out of the dust and I pushed open the freezer door. We dusted ourselves off and headed for the bikes. From the earlier shots we knew the direction to follow. As we rode along through the cow paddock it was really easy to see the cow that we’d accidentally hit. He was the one standing all alone. Every time he started to wander towards any of the other cows, they moved away … fast. You could actually see the other cows suddenly stop eating, lift their heads, start sniffing all around and then walk away from the stinky one.
Wow, they can stand around all day in their own poop, but they can’t stand being close to Smelly Melly’s stench … that just proves how bad her butt really does stink.
We kept checking back over our shoulder to see if we were still heading out in a straight line from the ‘catapult’. But there was still no sign of our other ‘shots’ and we were getting really close to the edge of town and school. We must have gone at least two kilometres. Suddenly I began to smell something disgustingly familiar, I’d know that stench anywhere. We were definitely getting closer because the smell was definitely getting stronger. It was time to hop off the bikes and have a good look around.
