by Susan Berran
Leaning them against a tree, I took out my ‘Incredibly Awesome Bulravian Mini Flip-out Binoculars’ and checked our direction. Yep, we were definitely still in line with the sLINGshot. And the smell … phew! Our ‘ammunition’ had definitely landed around there somewhere. But where? We kept walking in a straight line towards school … the smell was getting worse … and worse.
Oh please let the wind have carried them to the empty paddock on the other side of school.
But as we hopped over the school fence, I saw something … a piece of slimy corn stuck in the wire fence. Oh no, I spied another deadly, dung drop on the ground … and another . . . and another. We kept walking towards the school building. There was still no sign of the actual nappies though. It seemed like they’d been totally disintegrated. But the droplets were becoming splotches, the splotches were becoming splashes and we were … no no no! As we stood at the foot of the school building, something told me we were in deep doo-doo. We lifted our eyes and scanned the building. It seemed that out of the approximately seventy three nappies that we’d fired … at least sixty eight had hit the school. YELLOWY, BROWNY, greenish drool splashes were sliding down across the entire wall. Gooey chunks of crap, stuck to the roof like giant, dinosaur bird droppings. Chunks of corn and carrot slid across the window panes, like tiny little colourful ice skaters.
The building looked like it had been hit by a thunderstorm of Melly dung … and the next day was a school day!
Hmmm what was the chance of a rain storm overnight to wash it all away … ? Absolutely none!
But there were no nappies. They’d completely disintegrated on impact, leaving only their contents, like a ¢heap paint job, all over the school building. And without the nappy evidence, no-one would know it was us. We just had to stay cool and stay quiet. I looked at Jared, there was panic in his eyes. Our hearts were thumping so hard we could hear them … tHumP tHumP tHumP. Well mine was tapping, Jared’s was thumping … tHumP tHumP tHumP .
Geez Jared has a poxy sounding heartbeat … tHumP tHumP tHumP!
I grabbed him by the shoulder, pulling him backwards. We had to get out of there before anyone saw us. But he didn’t budge … tHumP tHumP tHumP!
“C’mon Jared!” I said turning towards him … tHumP tHumP tHumP! He was frozen with fear and staring up at one of the windows. I followed the track of his frozen glare … tHumP tHumP tHumP! Up to the window … the office window. And through the SLIMY, YELLOWISH drool that was slithering its way down the glass, I could see a fuzzy figure … tHumP tHumP tHumP! It was the figure of something HUGE, bulging and breathing. The figure of the school principal, Mrs Duckson … tHumP tHumP tH umP ! With fireballs shooting from her eyes and the veins in her neck throbbing so hard that I thought they’d POP. And one long bony finger stretching out to the glass and pointing at us, with a yellowing, cracked, claw-like fingernail tapping away on the glass from inside … tHumP tHumP tHumP!
Uh oh …
Bugger!
We were sooo close now, I could taste the salt air of the ocean.
Ok Mum, we were at the beach and we were all together … so surely now we could go ahead and get wet. I mean, Mum was on the beach, she could see us … no problem, right? Wrong! We sat down and ripped off our shoes and socks. Then we took off racing towards the roaring surf, sprinting across the hot white sand. Ready to throw ourselves into the cool ocean water at last!
“Stop!!” yelled Mum in a hyperscream. “Not until we’re between the lifeguard flags.”
She had to be kiding! But no, of course she wasn’t. Me and Jared had both been swimming in the surf back in the city when we were Melly’s age, but now suddenly Mum decides that we had to swim between the lifeguard flags?
Yep, let’s start the embarrassment now … gee, thanks a million Mum.
Great. The lifeguard flags were a mile up the beach and at the speed Melly was going, we’d never get there before dark!
We walked along the edge of the water, barely getting our toes wet and every couple of metres, we still had to stop and wait for Yelly Melly and Mum to catch up. The second we wandered in just enough for our ankles to get wet … “Out of the water!” … How embarasing.
As we looked out into the waves, we could see the sand being churned up and thrashed about in the rough seas. So instead of a nice blue, the ocean was a murky brown, looking more like a swamp than the ocean. You couldn’t even see a centimetre under the water, it was that murky. Great clumps of seaweed floated about like shredded carpet, popping up only to be pushed back under by the next wave.
Just then we spotted a couple of large pieces of driftwood floating by, slipping under the water as the waves crashed into them and then bobbing back up as they slowly drifted towards shore.
“I’m gonna ride one in!” I called out to Mum, suddenly imagining myself as the world champion surfer.
“Not until we get to the flags!” Mum yelled out again.
“Well can I just zip out quickly and grab it so I can bring it with us to ride?”
“No … look it’s drifting our way, so just wait till we get to the flags!” Mum was getting really annoyed now. At least that was something we both had in common with each other!
“Oohhh …” I whinged, as I quickened my pace along the shore towards the lifeguard area, the whole time keeping one eye on the three logs, so that I could race out and get the one I wanted the moment we rounded that first lifeguard flag.
Mum was walking soooooo s l o w l y! The holiday would be over before we even got to the flags at this rate.
“Sam look!” Jared piped up. He was pointing at the biggest log. The waves kept crashing and pounding over it and it was floating our way fast, so we’d probably be able to grab it any minute now. But the smaller ones had just disappeared, slipping under the foamy water again. Yep … the big one was definitely getting closer. We could tell that there must have been some really strong currents just off the beach, because the murky, brown waves were going one way, and the currents were pushing the logs another. Just then, we spotted the two smaller logs pop up again.
“Dibs on the biggest one!” I yelled. “ I’ll get that one, ” Jared said, pointing at the larger of the two that were left. But with another wave crashing down, it sent all three of them under and we totally lost sight of them altogether.
Great! Thanks Mum … they were gone. Probably stuck in some seaweed out there. We hadn’t been allowed to bring our own surfboards on the trip, just because the fins were a little bit wrecked, or so Mum reckons. And now we’d probably lost the logs for good! We kept searching the waves and trying to see through the murky water, but it was too dirty, they were gone. Rats!
Jared grabbed the soccer ball out of his backpack and we started kicking it around. Hopefully that would take our minds off the surfboards while we waited for the others to catch up.
We were mucking around so much that we didn’t even notice Mum and Melly wander past us. All of a sudden … wwssss … Jared just about knocked my head off with a massive kick! I ducked, just in time and then turned to see it flying through the air and out past a couple of HUGE, breaking waves.
“Why didn’t you catch it?” Jared called. But I wasn’t listening. I was watching something else. Right next to where the ball had landed … there they were, the logs had bobbed up again. The water was so murky, I could only just see the very tops of them. And we knew that just out past our head height, the currents were even stronger than we thought. The last time we saw the logs was way back down the beach, unless these were completely different ones. But they certainly didn’t look like any different. I turned around to see how far away Mum was, because we were finally only a few metres from the flags. Excellent! She was already at the lifeguard’s station and yakking to the lifeguard… the poor guy.
Mum was there, Melly was there and we were just about between the flags. Surfboards here we come! I dumped my backpack onto the sand and took off towards the flags with Jared hot on my tail … “ Woo hoo!! ” he yelle
d. He’d spotted the boards too. The race was on. I wanted to beat him out there and get the best one. I’d worry about grabbing the soccer ball second. We were flying across the beach!
I was the first to round the flag, with Jared only a metre back. I sprinted straight into the surf, leaping across the breaking waves, crashing around my ankles. There it was, my ‘surfboard’ log. In another second I was knee deep and began to push through the murky waves and into the deeper seawater. I looked back over my shoulder expecting to see Jared right there. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t even getting his toes wet. He’d stopped and was just standing at the waters edge waving and yelling at me. Yeah, I wasn’t falling for that one. I swim back and then he just zooms past me and grabs the better log? No way!
I turned back to the surf, DAMN! The logs had been pushed back under. But the ball was still bobbing about and I knew that the logs were right next to it. I figured I’d just wait near the ball for one of the logs to pop up again. I waded out a bit further, the murky water was bobbing about my waist, but I couldn’t even see my hands in the water as it churned about. I flicked another quick look back to see if Jared had given up the joke and was on his way, but he was still standing there, jumping up and down, waving his arms and still yeling something at me. With the sound of the crashing waves all about me, I could barely hear myself think. It was impossible to make out what he was trying to say. Then, just as I was about to dive under the next wave and feel about for one of the logs, I saw the lifeguard and Mum over Jared’s shoulder. And they looked really stressed! They were waving their arms about and screaming something at me as they ran flat out towards the waters edge.
Oh great! Mum had cracked it! Probably because I hadn’t put sunscreen on, or maybe because I was supposed to go to the toilet first … it’s the ocean!! Everyone does a wizz in the water! And take a look at Mr Jared Suck-up … ‘Ooh look at me, I’m so good, I’m not going in without sunscreen, or permission.’ SUCH a suck-up!
I figured I’d better just grab our soccer ball and go back in for my ear-bashing. The ball was only a couple more metres out, but then, just as I was about to dive over there, the water seemed to eXPLODe right where the ball was. It must have been a collision of currents, or something. Amongst the surf and the murky water was what looked like our logs smashing down and around, tumbling through the churning water. Then a second later, just as suddenly, the waves went back to normal. But our ball and the logs were gone. Wow, that was awesome! Had Jared seen that? I turned to see if he had. The lifeguard was now just about in the surf, Mum was still bringing up the rear ranting and raving. She was obviously really peeved about the sunscreen. And Jared had his arms stretched out stiff, straight and to one side and was sort of clapping them together. Wow, Mum can really run when she wants to. She must be really crapy with me … why is Jared doing that?
He wasn’t clapping … he was … he was chomping! AaarrrhhhHh!!
I could tell you that this was when I realised that the surfboard I was about to hop on, was not a log at all … but a CROCODILE. One of three crocodiles in fact, and that I calmly turned and walked out of the surf and back onto the beach, without even raising a sweat.
But that would be a lie. A very, very big lie.
So, where were we …? Ah yes.
AaarrrhhhHh!!
I now believe that it is DEFINITELY possible to walk on water. Well, run on water … if you get up enough speed. And I’m pretty sure that’s just what I did.
After my walking-on-water show was over, we all sat waaaaayyy back from the surf and watched the waves crashing against the sand for about a full, silent hour. We didn’t say a word, we just sat there in complete silence. I was thinking about what the lifeguard had said. That it was breeding season for CROCs, so they swam along the coastline searching for streams and rivers to go into, looking for a mate, but when the surf got really choppy, they headed into the beaches, looking for nice, dark little spaces to hide in, or just to sunbake on the beach for a while. I wondered if mum crocs nagged their son crocs to wear sunscreen before they sunbaked …
We were just about to head back to the hotel, when Jared saw something familiar in the water. It was just tumbling and washing about in the froth at the very edge of the surf. We watched it for a while, as it bobbed in and out of the waves that were rolling in. Finally it washed right up and beached itself on the sand. Jared did a quick sprint down and grabbed it.
It was our soccer ball, our very flat soccer ball. Our very flat soccer ball with a couple of nice big teeth holes in it. Jared chucked it into my backpack.
Now that’s what I call a souvenir!
tree surfing? Never heard of it? Me neither, but CROCODILEs can’t climb trees, so I figured that it sounded like fun.
Mum hired a car for the day and we headed off to the rainforest. WOW, stuck in a car on a really hot sweaty day with Miss ‘stinky-sooky-lah-lah’ Jelly Melly. Gee, now we were having fun … NOT!! It took all morning to do what was supposed to be a quick, one-hour drive. Why? Because the road was way up high through dense rainforest. It twisted one way and turned another, winding its way around and around and around … and around … and aro … bluUrrrr!!
Yes I chucked … SEVERAL TIMES!
But only because Smelly Melly’s bowels were working overtime. Her butt reeked worse than the mouldy fungus, growing on a rotten egg, that’s been sitting inside the guts of a month-old carcass of a DEAD SKUNK in the middle of summer, laying on the back of a garbage truck, smothered in a year’s worth of jocks and socks from a sweaty old footy team!
She is sooooooo disgustingly gross!
At least we were now way away from the surf . . . and safe. Halfway up the road to the rainforest, we got to go on one of those car ferries to cross this mi, muddy, RAGING river. There were signs all over it, telling us to stay in the car, but between Smelly Melly’s butt and the swaying of the ferry … when you have to hurl … you have to hurl!
I dived out of the car, over to the side of the ferry, knelt down and stuck my head straight out between the wire strands below the handrail and began to hurl. The river was so muddy and choppy which just made it ten times worse. Suddenly this huge big hairy bloke, the ferry operator, started CrACKIN’ a wobbly. He was yelling and screaming at me to ‘get back in the car’ and ‘couldn’t I read.’ He was totally flipping out and going berserk! So then Mum jumped out of the car and started yelling at him to ‘nick of ’ and couldn’t he see that I was really sick from the drive and blAh BlaH bLah. She was right up in his face, letting him have a gob-ful, while he just kept trying to yell even louder and push past her all at the same time. And this guy was HUGe! gross, but HUGe. He was wearing shorts and a grease stained singlet and it seemed that all the hair on his head had been relocated to his back and shoulders. The thick black hair was sticking out, all around the edge of his yellowing singlet, but on top he was completely bald. Hey! It was ‘hairy shoulder’ guy from the bus ride at the airport, I wondered if his armpit hair had grown back yet? It was a great show between him and Mum, but unfortunately I could barely hear it over all the noise of the ferry engine, chugging away, me chucking-up and spluttering and the water splashing up into my face.
After I finally finished ‘feeding the fish’ … chucking up for a while … I cupped the muddy water up to my face and splashed it about. I could still hear Mum and the ferry guy in the background ranting and raving at each other … man he sounded crappy. Suddenly, just as I was about to scoop up some more water, this massive hand with hairy knuckles grabbed my shoulder. It came down on me like a steel claw. In a split second I was hauled back through the rails and dropped to the floor on my backside … WHAM! Mum was standing over the top of me and practically going loopy … “We’re going home, we’re going home right now!” was all she kept repeating, as I began to notice the eyes of all the other tourists staring at me from inside the safety of their locked cars.
Turns out that the river we were crossing was actually home teritory
to all the CROCs for miles around there. And because it was breeding season, this was where the CROCs that we’d seen in the surf - and every other CROC for hundreds of miles around - would have been heading. And yes … just in case you haven’t seen it on TV, they can jump. The ferry guy told us how a kid my age was snatched off a boat by a four metre CROC only a week before. Less than twenty metres from where the ferry was.
I could tell Mum wasn’t impressed.Yep, surfing in the trees was looking better and beter all the time. That had to be safer. By the time we got to the ‘tree surfing’ place we’d unanimously decided that the only swimming we’d do, if any, was going to be at the public pool … with a lifeguard … on a clear day … after we’d checked the water … twice!
Me and Jared reckoned we’d be totally safe to swim in the ocean, or river if we just had a nappy-less Miss ‘my-stink-is-deadly-even-under-water’ Smelly Melly bobbing around in the water near us. She’d be our very own personal CROCODILE repellent.
An hour after that, we came to the end of the road, literally. The tar had turned to dirt a few kilometres back. And this tiny shop, that looked more like a hut, marked the end of it; the road just stopped. We were right in the middle of the forest.
Inside the shop, a tall, thin guy sat behind the world’s shortest counter. It was the size of a bathroom in there. We stood there in our little huddle looking about the room. It was amazing. He had everything in there, from toothbrushes, to postcards. There was stuff stacked all the way from the floor to the ceiling. Obviously, he was the general store for the locals … who must have been living in the trees because we hadn’t seen a single house, or hut, or anything since way before the river crossing. And he was also the souvenir shop for tourists. He had absolutely everything you could possibly want in there. And we knew we weren’t lost, because as soon as we walked through the door, he got on his little WALKIE-TALKIE and told the ‘tree surfers’ that their next tour group was ready and waiting for pick-up.
