by John Douglas
One of the skills which can be presented in a nonthreatening way is the Buddy System, which simply teaches children not to go places by themselves. As adults, we know that kids who are alone are easier targets and so are at greater risk. We don’t have to tell them the bogeyman waits for kids walking home from school alone. They just need to learn, in a positive way, to stay with their buddies. And it’s easy for kids to remember that they need to stick together—with their parents, sisters and brothers, friends, or classmates. In the NCMEC program, for example, young children learn about the Buddy System through a song.
Another behavior you can teach your children that may help eliminate some situational opportunities for victimization is Check First. Check First is central to the Kids & Company program. The message is simple and nonthreatening for children: just check with me before you go somewhere or do something. Even at a very young age, kids can understand that they have to ask a parent or baby-sitter before they do something. And if you give them positive reinforcement every time they check with you, they’ll feel good about themselves.
As Peter Banks states it: “The number one weapon against the child molester is the self-esteem of the child.” This can’t be repeated often enough.
They’ll also learn from you how to make good decisions over time. Child predators often confuse kids by putting them in situations in which they’re not prepared to make the right judgment call and then take advantage of their confusion. We know that an adult should not be asking a small child for help unloading groceries, for example, but a child may not immediately recognize that as inappropriate. Their eagerness to help may make them vulnerable. If they know to check with you first, though, you can make the choice and set an example of what’s okay and what’s not.
You can talk to your kids about when touching is okay and when it’s not. Like adults, kids have an inner warning buzzer that goes off when they’re in a situation they don’t like, but they may need help to become aware of those feelings, and in understanding that they are right to follow their feelings. They know that a hug from grandma feels good and secure, for example, and they’ll instinctively feel differently about the wrong kinds of touches.
You can reinforce their feelings by talking to them about the kinds of touches that feel good. As Peter Banks points out, it would be a terrible shame for all concerned if the fear over child molestation prevented all hugging and touching and appropriate signs of affection between adults and children. With a teacher, a coach, or any other adult, it’s not difficult to distinguish between hugs, pats, or other touching that seems appropriate and those which do not once the child understands that both kinds exist.
Most kids are taught to be respectful of adults, which is appropriate, but they should know that there are circumstances where they can say “No” to an adult. And when an adult is trying to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, confused, angry (or “yucky,” depending on the age of the child), it’s a good time to say “NO.”
I remember my kids each went through a period around age two or three where it seemed like all they could say was “No!” But as they grow older, many kids get more timid, so it’s not a bad idea to practice saying “No.” You can roleplay, describing situations (not too frightening, but clearly times when the right answer is “No”) so your child can practice looking you right in the eye, with a serious expression, saying loudly, confidently, and clearly, “No,” or “Don’t do that!” It sounds like a small thing, but if a potential molester realizes this kid’s going to give him a lot of resistance, even simply verbal resistance, he’ll most likely move on. It’s like having a miniature poodle in your house. The dog is obviously not big enough or strong enough to overpower an intruder, but all that yapping could make a less determined offender pick another, quieter target where he’ll be less likely to draw attention to himself.
You want your children to understand that their bodies are their own and no one should touch them in a way they don’t like. Make sure your kids know what parts of their body are “private,” that they don’t have to share those parts with other people, and that they shouldn’t be asked to touch anyone else’s private parts. If you use the real, anatomic terms for things (penis instead of pee-pee, for example), they’ll understand that these are important body parts that deserve respect and they’ll feel comfortable talking about them.
There are some times when other people may need to look at their private parts, such as at the doctor’s office or when a baby-sitter gives a young child a bath, but they still need a good reason. If your child has to be examined by a doctor, make sure you can stay in the room. And for their own protection and self-confidence, children should learn personal hygiene skills as early as they’re ready and should then have responsibility for that themselves. Finally, kids need to know that if someone does try to touch their private parts, it’s not their fault. Just as important, if they tell an adult and that person doesn’t do anything to help them, they should keep telling until they find someone who does.
Of course, it is important to keep context in mind so that children are not unnecessarily traumatized. Virtually all children play doctor with each other at one time or another in their early development. This is a normal part of exploring themselves and their bodies and the explanation we give them when we “catch” them at it is important to their future development and adjustment. When this activity becomes a serious concern, however, is when there is a large age or sophistication gap between one participant and the other. Then it’s not normal childhood development and exploration; then it’s sexual exploitation.
For all elementary-school-age kids, the NCMEC has an easy-to-remember phrase that sums up what kids should do in any situation in which they feel uncomfortable: NO-GOTELL, which stands for saying NO, then GOing and TELLing a parent or another adult the child trusts about what happened. Children need to understand that sometimes, even if someone asks you to keep a secret, you still have to tell somebody. Kids & Company differentiates between “swell” secrets, which are fun to keep and don’t hurt anybody, and “tell” secrets, which really have to be told to someone. Even if he promised not to tell, if a child has a secret that hurts him, he should understand that it’s good to tell a trusted grown-up about it. You should acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to talk about something that’s scary or confusing, and that even if they don’t tell right away, they can anytime they want to. It is never too late.
You can practice this even with younger children, giving them scenarios and asking them if the secret in the story is a swell secret or a tell secret. For example, if daddy tells you what he got mommy for a birthday present, but says he wants it to be a surprise so don’t tell her, that’s swell. If the baby-sitter tells you she wants to play a game where you get undressed and touch each other’s private parts, that’s definitely a tell! Ask them to describe some swell and tell secrets, making sure they understand the concept.
Most of this is a way of organizing common sense, and the NCMEC has done a great job of putting it in words and phrases that are easy for kids to remember and for parents to teach and reinforce. The last part of their program, teaching kids safety strategies for different settings like shopping centers, new neighborhoods, or when they’re home alone, deals with something most parents tend to overlook.
We get so caught up trying to keep our kids away from strangers that we forget to identify for them people who are safe to turn to when we’re not around. As a child, my parents and all of my friends’ parents taught us not to talk to strangers. But practically speaking, there are certain strangers we have to be able to talk to. Think about it: if you’re separated from your five-year-old in the mall and you’ve taught her never to talk to strangers, you’ve left her stranded! We need to teach children how to choose people who could help them in an emergency: someone wearing a uniform or a name tag or standing behind a counter; a pregnant mother pushing another child in a stroller; bus drivers; school crossing guards; elderly grandmoth
ers. Not only will this give them a safety net, it will boost their self-esteem and confidence because they know what to do if something happens. Am I willing to swear that no pregnant woman or bus driver has ever harmed a child? Of course not, but the chances are very slim and we’ve got to play the odds. We’ve got to teach our children to be profilers—to profile who are the safest people to go to when they need help.
Realistically, every parent I know (including myself, I must admit) has misplaced a child at some point or another. I don’t mean that the child’s been snatched away, but maybe you’re shopping with your three kids and one of them wanders off. Or maybe your child has permission to ride his bike with his friends up and down the block and instead they go one block farther, inside another friend’s house to watch TV, and lose track of time. Whatever the reason, you’ll probably have at least one time in your life as a parent—for at least a few minutes—where you won’t know your child’s whereabouts. It’ll scare the hell out of you, but if you’ve prepared your child in advance, you’ll feel that at least they know how to act, what to say, and whom to contact if they need help.
If your child is missing for any extended period of time, you can make life easier for yourself and the authorities by always keeping a recent photo and current description handy. By current description I mean keeping track of your kid’s height and weight as he grows. Be able to describe his eye and hair color, favorite jacket and sneakers. These things, with a photo of your child that actually looks like him, is what will help you get your kid back quickly in most of those rare instances where you do have to get the police or other authorities involved. Photos are especially important with younger children, who can change dramatically over a period of weeks—think of how different a toddler looks as her hair grows in and darkens and you start to dress her in young-kid clothes instead of frilly baby things.
You need photos and descriptions of older kids, and you need to talk to them in advance about how to handle other situations as they’re ready for them. With youngsters who might spend time alone in the house, you need to discuss how they should handle visitors at the door and phone calls. Along with your emergency list of names and phone numbers of people they can call if they need someone, also give them a list of people they’re allowed to open the door for (and if someone’s not on the list but seems to really need to get inside they should Check First by calling you or a neighbor they trust). On the phone, they should act like there’s an adult home even if they’re all alone, maybe pretending to go look for a parent before telling the caller the adult can’t come to the phone.
All the tips described so far will help build self-confidence in kids of all ages. If they know they have the right to keep their body parts private, if they know how to say “No” to a situation they don’t like, if they know how to call home, or how to identify a safe stranger to help them, they feel empowered and are much less vulnerable as potential victims.
You also empower them by letting them help you choose a baby-sitter. Of course, you should ask any potential babysitter for references—which you should check yourself—and watch how he or she interacts with your child, but you should also get the child’s feedback. The NCMEC advises you to ask if they like and trust the sitter. Once they’ve baby-sat your children, and after they leave, ask your child what they did while you were away and how they felt while you were gone. Ask this every time you leave your child with someone. When you’re checking out a new sitter, ask for references that include not only previous employers, but teachers, friends, neighbors, relatives, or counselors. And really ask them about the person’s qualifications. Keep a written record of the sitter’s name, home address, phone number, and driver’s license number, if they have one. If you’re meeting prospects through a baby-sitting service, find out if they run criminal background checks or any other type of screening process on their employees. Again, what we’re trying to do here is turn the odds in our favor.
These days, a lot of children spend time in day-care. If you’re looking for a day-care center for your child, go beyond taking a tour and watching your child play on-site. The NCMEC notes you may want to meet other adults who will spend time with your child, like bus drivers and janitors. Check with police and social services to see if there have been any complaints or charges brought against the center. Make sure the center is licensed and that it runs criminal background checks on employees. Finally, if you can take the time, volunteer to help out with field trips or any events they may plan so you can observe how the staff and children interact. I may be old-fashioned, but I think it’s also more than parents’ responsibility to keep children out of harm’s way. I don’t mean to minimize their role, or let them off the hook in any way, but if they give parenting everything they have, the rest of us ought to give them some assistance. I’m really dating myself here, but when I was a kid, if I got into trouble somewhere I didn’t have to tell my mom when I got home. She already knew. The grapevine of teachers/neighbors/beat cops/concerned adults worked a lot faster than I could run or ride my bike.
I think most of us in law enforcement, and certainly any of us who’ve spent time at crime scenes where the victim is the same size and age as our kids back home, wish we could get back to the era where people looked out for each other more. Since her murder, Kitty Genovese has become something of a symbol for the way our society works—or doesn’t. Everyone says how horrible it was that so many neighbors heard her screams and no one stepped in to help her, but we do much the same thing today.
In fact, the situation is even cloudier now. If my father saw a lost child crying in a store, he wouldn’t hesitate to walk up and try to help, maybe even taking the child’s hand to comfort him. Today, people are afraid that if they approach a child they don’t know, they may be mistaken for an abductor or molester! Even if you’re hesitant, how hard is it just to keep an eye on a child from a distance while you report the kid’s situation to a store clerk or security guard? When you think about what could be at stake for the youngster, do you really have an excuse not to be a benevolent stranger? And wouldn’t you want someone to look out for your child?
Peter Banks, himself a former police officer and detective, puts it most succinctly: “There cannot be an error if you intervene in good faith.”
Society is more violent than it used to be; knives and guns have replaced fists in settling arguments. If we hear a child screaming in the apartment next door, and perhaps have seen both the child and her mother bearing suspicious bruises, we may suspect something’s not right at home. Some people would argue it’s human nature not to get involved; it’s self-preservation—what if that man next door gets angry with me for reporting him? But it’s got to be human nature that we protect each other—especially those who are unable to protect themselves.
Peter Banks tells a story from his days as a cop in the District of Columbia. He overheard the dispatcher answering the phones one night giving a caller a hard time. “Why are you calling now? What do you expect us to do?”
Banks decided to look into it and learned that it was a call from a woman who’d reported a suspicious incident involving a neighbor the week before. Late one night—much later than a seven-year-old should have been up—this woman heard the little girl next door crying and moaning loudly and worried that something was the matter. But the girl lived with her grandmother and the neighbor didn’t want to cause trouble for them, so she didn’t call the police.
After a few days, the woman’s conscience was eating away at her—what if something bad was happening next door and she did nothing to help the little girl? So she called the police, who went to the apartment and found nothing apparently amiss. The telephone call Banks overheard was another call from the woman about the same incident. She knew the police hadn’t seen anything suspicious, but she was really worried about the girl.
Banks was incredulous—here someone cares enough to follow up and we’re giving her a hard time? He sent officers back out to investigate further and soon
had reason to be glad he did. It turned out that this girl was born to a mother who didn’t want her. She spent her infancy in the hospital, then went into the foster care system, then went to live with her maternal grandmother, who abused her. She went back into foster care and finally ended up with her paternal grandmother—the woman she was living with at the time the concerned neighbor made the call. This grandmother was holding two jobs, working day and night to make ends meet. The night of the trouble, she came home from work at midnight and found a note from the girl’s teacher that she hadn’t done her homework. Utterly exhausted and at her wit’s end, the woman whipped her granddaughter with a jump rope. When a police official checked the child’s entire body, he found she had red marks and black-and-blue bruises on her back, buttocks, and legs, indicating the beating wasn’t an isolated incident.
Why didn’t the police who originally investigated the incident find anything? For one thing, they probably weren’t looking very hard. For another, as much as the little girl obviously didn’t want to be beaten, this may have been better to her than other alternatives. This child had been back and forth through so many houses she could hardly even remember all the names. Here, she’s finally with a family member willing to take her in; she’s not going to let the police find out anything bad happened—they’ll take her away.
