What Should a Good Pair of Jeans Do for You?
1. They should fit and flatter.
2. They should feel like you’ve worn them forever.
3. They should make you feel at your most comfortable.
4. They should give you a nice basket, even if it’s not Easter.
5. They should make you look and feel sexy.
6. They should go with just about everything else in your wardrobe.
7. They should get you laid. Oh, come on. Stop pretending to be shocked.
The flasher might say “low rise” or “medium rise.” Let’s hope they never make a high rise. I recommend medium rise. We don’t want to see your happy trail. As sexy as it may have looked in the International Male catalog, trust me, it’s not a good look for you. And don’t get me started on the other side, where we see ass crack. There’s a reason Whitney said, “Crack is whack.” Crack kills, people, and it will kill your look.
A WORD OF CAUTION:Low-slung jeans worn gangsta style make you look like you have a load in your pants. Let’s leave that to our friends in the rap community, shall we? How do you know if you’ve gone too low? Well, if you can see your underwear or your pubic hair (and your name is not Britney or Christina), your low riders are too low. If the end of your fly zipper is at your knees, that’s also a good sign your jeans are too loose. That’s okay for the artist formerly known as Lil’ Bow Wow, but not for you.
Roughwear Pants
Despite your dirty fantasies, roughwear pants are just more rugged, outdoorsy pants for weekend wear. They include things like cargo pants and painters’ pants—anything with a utility or workwear heritage. They pay homage to the blue-collar laborer who made this land of ours so great. And they look as hot today as they did when the WPA Act was introduced. Thank you, President Roosevelt! Roughwear pants are rugged, they’re meant to take a licking, and there are so many options out there. One pair of pants I love, although they’re no longer readily available, are the Alcatraz pants by G-Star, which are prison-inspired and super cool. Totally hot in an Oz kind of way.
Roughwear pants are generally reserved for outdoor activities like football games, weekend projects, trips to the Home Depot, and the gay rugby national championships. They’re meant to be worn with a rugged boot or a bulky fisherman sweater or a barn jacket. They’re mostly for winter wear. Who wants to be running around in cargo pants in the heat of the summer?
A WORD ABOUT CARGO PANTS: Cargo pants are a fun fashion statement that have pretty much become a staple. I think they’re here to stay, so you can feel pretty safe buying a pair. (I had a phase where I wore leather cargos and looked like I worked at Old Navy Germany. But ich digress.)
I know there is at least one suburban dad somewhere reading this who’s thinking that cargo pants are way too “out there” for him. You have to get beyond that. I’m here for you. Cargos can add a sense of youthfulness to your look—as long as they fit well and don’t have too many pockets. I would caution everyone to use them sparingly, though. If you can move the entire contents of your home or apartment just by putting things in your cargo pants, they probably have too many pockets. We have homes. We have offices. We don’t need to load our cargos up with all of our life’s possessions. If you don’t have a home or an office, at least rent a locker at the airport or your local bowling alley. They’re cargo pants, they’re not a storage unit.
Drawstring Pants
These are great for summer, the beach, and vacations. A pair of drawstring pants with a white T-shirt and flip-flops is a wonderful, easy breezy, relaxed kind of look, but drawstring pants probably don’t fill a need other than that. They’re sketchy because they’re a little too close to elastic waistband pants, which are always the wrong answer. They can make you look like you’re wearing pajamas in the middle of the day, which just screams elder care facility, or homelessness, or institutionalization. Not cute. So be careful.
DRESS PANTS
Although most of America has gone casual, some people still need to get dressed up, either for work or for other settings like dates or nights on the town. Which brings us to the wide world of dress pants or “slacks,” as a lot of old ladies like to call them. (They’re the same ones who call women’s shirts “blouses.”) Here we’re basically talking anything that’s not khaki, cord, or denim.
Summer dress pants can made be of linen, lightweight cotton twill, poplin, or seersucker (I love saying that word!), while winter ones might be wool, heavyweight cotton twill, suede, leather, or yes, my favorite, cashmere blend.
The great thing about dress pants is you can add a variety of sport coats, sweaters, and patterned shirts to top them off. These will give you tremendous versatility. And you know how we love versatility in the gay community!
Generally, you’ll get more bang for your buck if you buy a couple pairs of solid-colored, well-fitting dress pants. No pleats, please. If you have a pair in gray flannel, a pair in black or navy wool, and you throw in a herringbone or tweed pant, you’ll have the ammo to pair them up with interesting shirts and sweaters and make lots of interesting looks. For summer, lighten the color palette to include sand, white, and classic navy.
Don’t forget the proper accoutrements. It’s important that you have dress shoes, a dress belt, and a beautiful shirt to go with your dress pants. Sneakers with dress pants and a T-shirt is a cute look for Ashton Kutcher (a former model) or me (a stylist), but it’s definitely not for amateurs. It will inevitably make you look like you’re on your way to the typing pool at IBM. Do they even have typing pools anymore? Discuss.
By the way, dress socks go with dress shoes that go with dress pants. They shouldn’t be athletic socks or tube socks. And they shouldn’t be women’s hosiery. Yikes!
SHORTS
Just like pants, it’s a jungle out there as far as shorts are concerned. But to make it easier on you, my rules for shorts are pretty much the same as my rules for pants: Avoid pleats, and make sure they fit, which includes the fit of the rise and the seat. Stay away from elastic waistbands and drawstrings.
To me, shorts are really for weekends and vacations—not for the office. They were conceived for casual country club or beachside living, which is important to remember when you pair them with shoes. Shorts are meant to be worn with a classic tennis shoe, a sandal, flip-flop, driving moc, loafer, or boat shoe. Wearing any other kind of lace-up shoes with shorts is always the wrong answer. The only people who pull it off are the postal workers. And we all know how edgy they are! I also want you to be wary of the shorts, socks, and Birkenstocks look, which inevitably makes you look like a German tourist or a High Times subscriber. If you walk up to a stranger, they’ll think you’re asking for directions to I-95 or to a Phish concert.
The final stop on our covering-your-ass journey?
One of my favorite clothing myths is the idea that wearing baggy clothes will make you look thinner. It will not. You will just look like you have size dyslexia. People will not think you have miraculously slimmed down; they’ll just think you’re an idiot. Or wonder, “Hmmm. Why is George wearing those humongous pants that don’t fit him?” Clothing can help change your overall look, but it’s not meant to perform magic tricks. That’s for David Copperfield and his fine colleagues. A simple rule of thumb is that you should wear clothing that fits the day that you’re planning to wear it. Don’t wear clothing that you’ll grow into, you’ll lose weight for, etc. Let’s live for the moment, people! Carpe diem!
SWIMWEAR
Unfortunately, there always seems to be an inverse relationship between how obese or overweight some men are and the size of their swimwear. Meaning that the bigger they are, the smaller their swimwear. Not a good idea. For just about all men, I recommend a swim trunk that comes to mid-thigh. Avoid the clamdigger or anything that even approaches the clamdigger, because anything that’s too long will make your legs look short and stumpy. Avoid any bodyhugging spandex. And for God’s sake, avoid thongs, aka the banana hammock. I don’t want to see you
r moons over Miami.
Your swim trunks should be made out of a quick dry nylon with a fixed waistband. There’s a misconception that an elastic waistband on a swimsuit will make you look slimmer. But the elastic waistband is just the pleated pants of swimwear. They’ll only accentuate your waistline. But if your waistband is fixed, that means you need to make sure the trunks actually fit you. Trust me, they’ll be much more flattering than looking like you have a gathered garbage bag around your waist or you’re wearing a diaper. The Huggies look is so rarely the right answer on a grown man.
Most straight men are afraid of the bikini, as they well should be. But every once in a while you get some jackass who thinks he looks hot in a bikini. And that could ruin a day at the beach for everyone. (And you thought Jaws made you afraid of going in the water!) Unless you’re a member of the Olympic water polo team, you own a house on Fire Island, or you’re a hot Brazilian man named Sergio, the bikini should be avoided at all costs.
Pants
Overalls. Not unless they’re bringing back Hee-Haw. I love the sight of a man in a hardhat, all dressed up in blue-collar regalia, building bridges across the waterways of the Midwest. But it’s not a fashion statement.
Pleated pants. Do I really have to say anything more?
Track pants. Nylon track pants for the gym are fine. You should just never wear the whole track suit. It brings back many bad airport memories. Store them in two different parts of the house.
Acid-washed jeans. Unless you’re going to the MC Hammer reunion tour.
Sarongs. I don’t think so. Sound it out. So wrong.
CHAPTER 4
Chest Wear That’s Best Wear SHIRTS AND SWEATERS, BABY
SO NOW THAT WE’VE TALKED ABOUT BOTTOMS, IT’S TIME TO TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING THAT GOES ON TOP. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THEgutter, people! I mean shirts and sweaters.
SHIRTS
Let’s start out with that old standby, the sport shirt. I bet you’ve been lying awake at night wondering, “Carson, just what is a sport shirt?” Well, a sport shirt is any kind of long- or short-sleeve woven shirt with buttons that isn’t a dress shirt—it can be a linen shirt, a cotton oxford, or a dressier novelty shirt. It can sport stripes or bear gingham, paisley, whatever. Now, I know a lot of you have cotton oxfords and long-sleeve, woven button-down shirts and you think they’re dress shirts. Well, they’re not.
How can you tell the difference? Dress shirts will be more tailored so that they fit under a suit. They’ll also be better constructed and have more intricate detailing.
Dress shirts are also made of a finer gauge of cotton. The gauge of a fiber is just like the gauge of a train track, or a shotgun. (Like I would know!) The finer the gauge, that is, the skinnier and more delicate the fiber, the dressier the shirts will look. It’s just like the thread count of sheets. The really, really fine expensive sheets with a high thread count are soft and smooth, and the less expensive, lower quality ones are a little more rugged. But there’s a downside to high-quality cotton. Since it’s more delicate, it won’t wear as well or last as long.
Ever since America went casual and so many men stopped wearing ties regularly, the sport shirt has become the item with which men can make a fashion statement. That’s why you see a lot of people wearing striped sport shirts with jeans and loafers. I think that’s a perfect date outfit. Throw on a blazer and you’re golden, pony boy. Now, I love that look, but that doesn’t mean you should overdo it. You shouldn’t have eighty striped shirts in your closet just because that’s the current trend. I say get yourself a couple and ride the wave.
A general rule of thumb to avoid getting into trouble with your sport shirts is to make sure they’re 100 percent cotton. Two words that freak me out are “wrinkle free.” It’s like Olestra. There’s something about it that’s just not right. Cotton with stretch? Cotton-polyester blends? Not so much. Either your shirts are cotton or they’re not. It’s like being a little bit gay, and we all know you can’t be just a little bit gay.
It’s really important to wear sport shirts that fit. Because of our addiction to fast food, many sport shirts are made oversized. I beg you to get the correct size. Your shirt should be loose enough that you can move around comfortably. It shouldn’t be binding or super narrow. On the other hand, if you’ve been busy blasting your delts at the gym (yum!), a shirt might fit you in the shoulders yet be huge and boxy everywhere else. Sturdy and boxy is good when it comes to a Volvo to transport your baby niece Kimber, because that’s precious cargo, but you don’t want your sport shirts to fit like a Volvo. For just five or ten dollars, you can visit your friendly neighborhood tailor and have the shirt taken in on the side seam. You’ll look more fit immediately, without even a visit to that pesky gym.
This brings us to another important point: Make sure you try on when shopping. People think a shirt is a shirt is a shirt. It’s not. Each designer or manufacturer sizes their shirts differently. If you really can’t bear to get naked in a public dressing room—no, there aren’t cameras in there, get over your Sliver fantasy—it’s perfectly acceptable to buy it, take it home, and try it on in the comfort of your own home. Then if it doesn’t fit, you can make a day to go back and return it. CAUTION:This requires two trips to the mall. And as we all know, fossil fuels are dwindling. So why not just try it on when you’re at the store? You do the math.
“MAKES YOU GAY ...”
I’ve said before that I love nothing more than a crisp pink oxford. There appears to be a misconception among my straight brethren that a straight man shouldn’t wear pink shirts because wearing pink makes you gay. I have an important news fuh-lash for you.
Wearing pink doesn’t make you gay.
Getting a little too “excited” during Wrestlemania, on the other hand, does make you gay.
So this got me thinking that I could provide similar helpful advice to separate the fauxmosexuals—so much better than metrosexual, don’t you think?
Metrosexual sounds like people having sex on the bus!—from the real men.
Now we get to the actual content of your sport shirt repertoire. One sport shirt you should absolutely have in your closet is an oxford shirt, which can work with everything from a pair of jeans to a blue blazer. I’m going to hope that you already know what an oxford shirt is: a sturdy, heavier weight pinpoint cotton weave with little buttons on the collar. The oxford shirt originated in Britain and is the backbone of British style—what we think of as classic English dressing. It came to America through prep schools and Brooks Brothers, bless their blue-blooded little hearts. If everyone in America owned a pink oxford, the world would be a much better place.
Everyone should also have at least one or two linen shirts in their wardrobe. They’re so classic and good-looking. For the fashion impaired among you, linen is a nubbly, textured lightweight fabric made from flax. Just make sure your linen shirts are hefty enough so we don’t see your nipples or your chest hair. I might like that, but let’s spare the rest of America, shall we?
Linen will wrinkle like crazy, but it’s meant to, so deal with it. I do recommend linen shirts more than linen pants, because sitting in pants you can really get some crazy wrinkles, like cat whiskers on the crotch. But that’s why linen is only meant for casual settings. It’s better to be all wrinkled when you’re at the beach having a margarita than when you’re applying to refinance your mortgage.
The other important thing to remember about linen is that you need to wear it between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Wearing linen when it’s ten degrees out only makes you look like you have seasonal dyslexia. It’s like, “Hi, how long have you had amnesia? You live in Minneapolis, not Maui.” The only exception to this rule is for our friends in California and Florida, where you can luxuriate in linen year round. Oh, happy day!
I also love printed novelty shirts and think everyone should have some. Go ahead, have fun, but keep the prints subtle. Your penchant for Hello Kitty does not need to be shared with the world via your clothing.
Printed Hawaiian shirts have gotten so popular that I see guys wearing them everywhere. Casual Friday does not equal Hawaiian shirts, kids.
Sports Shirts with French cuffs
These days, there are a lot of sport shirts out there with French cuffs. It’s a fashion thing. They’re wonderful, and it can be a great look. You can either invest in an inexpensive pair of cufflinks (see chapter seven for more), or if you want to go for a more casual look, you can just tszuj the sleeves up and forget the cufflinks. But the important lesson here, friends, is don’t be afraid of French cuffs. French tourists are another matter completely.
Off the Cuff Page 5
