They’re meant for vacations and barbecues, not annual stockholder meetings. I don’t want to see the CEO of the International Edible Underwear Council giving a speech on the state of the industry when he looks like he works as a host at Trader Vic’s. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Fantasy Island, just not so much the fashion.
You’ll notice that in our grand tour of the wide world of sport shirts I didn’t mention flannel, much to the chagrin of our lesbian friends. I know you already have some flannel in your closet, so just promise me you’ll wear it sparingly. It’s just too Paul Bunyan for most guys, so step away from the flannel, people.
I’m also not a big fan of men in silk shirts. It’s hard for guys to pull it off. Most guys wearing a silk shirt look like they’re waiting for the valet to bring their IROC-Z, they’re in their pajamas, or they’re waiting for the next Air India flight to Bombay.
DRESS SHIRTS
Dress shirts are the more expensive shirts you’d wear with a suit and a tie. They should be 100 percent cotton, and will be made of a dressier, smoother, more luxurious cotton than your sport shirts, since they’re meant for dressier occasions.
If you don’t wear a suit to the office every day, odds are you’re not going to need that many dress shirts. Since they’re expensive, there’s no need to make that investment. I’d rather see you take your money and buy a cool sports shirt or a cashmere sweater. All the average guy needs is a few really great dress shirts, so get yourself a white one, a blue one, and maybe a stripe, and you’ll be fine. Invest in quality rather than quantity.
Dress shirts are meant to fit precisely, so it’s important to pay attention to sizing. If you’re in doubt about your size, go to a fine quality department store or menswear store and have them measure you. A lot of people haven’t been measured since they got out of high school, and they still think they’re the same size. I have news for you: You’re probably not.
The first thing to consider is sleeve length. When you have your suit jacket on, you want to see about one quarter inch of the shirt cuff. The cuffs should fall roughly one inch below your wrist bone. If your mom smoked during pregnancy, your arms may be longer than usual. You just have to be vigilant about getting the right size—they’re out there, I promise.
Dress shirts are also going to fit differently in the neck from sport shirts. When you button the neck on a sport shirt, it’s not going to be an authentic fit. It will be sized bigger than your neck, because it’s meant to be worn open, not all buttoned up, like Miss Beadle on Little House on the Prairie. Dress shirts, on the other hand, are true to fit. When you button them closed to wear a tie—which is what they’re meant for, people—they should fit your neck snugly. That means you should be able to easily slide two fingers inside the collar: no more, no less. If you find yourself wanting to make the international choking sign, that’s not a good fit.
Fairy Godstylist Carson
As long as your dress shirts are 100 percent cotton, they’re good quality and they fit you, I don’t care where you buy them. You can get great quality dress shirts from well-known designers at stores like Marshalls and T.J.Maxx for about $19. They’ll definitely have the basics there, although it might require a little digging. If you’re not up for that, you’ll probably find the best selection and variety at a department store. They’ll also have the best selection of ties and have a friendly sales professional who can help you select shirts and mix and match them with your ties.
Now, I don’t want to confuse you, but you need to know that most dress shirts are made of fine cotton that is not preshrunk like sportswear. So when you try them on for the first time, the neck may be a teeny bit large, and the sleeves may be a little long. That’s okay. After about three washings, they’ll shrink to the right size. You’ll also find that dress shirts might be leaner in the side seams, so they’re not bulky under your suit jacket. And the shirttail may be longer than a sport shirt, so it stays tucked in to your pants.
A lot of men seem completely lost when it comes to choosing the right kind of collar. That’s okay, that’s why you have me. Collars are important because your face is your art, and your collar frames your face and draws the eye upward. Find the collar type that looks best on you, and don’t worry about all those rules you’ve read in men’s magazines that say things like “If you have a long, round face, you can only wear this kind of collar.” If you have a long, round face, you need surgery. Just kidding, people. But don’t worry that there’s only one kind of collar that you can wear with your short, fat head. Everyone’s different. There is no absolute rule, except that you should keep it in balance.
Now, just because you find you like the look of, say, a tab collar, you still need to have a good mix. Aside from point collars, which are very versatile and can basically be worn with everything, your collar choice should go back to the dressiness of what you’re wearing with it. A spread collar, for example, is more of a dressy, suit look. The oxford button-down is more relaxed, and looks great with a blue blazer or a tweed jacket—or open with a great pair of pecs!
Point collar. Dressier than a button-down, the point collar is the most common and versatile. You can wear it open without a tie if you want to, or pair with a sweater or a suit. It’s the switch-hitter of dress shirts. God, I love using sports lingo.
Spread collar. Calm down. Not that kind of spread. This is one you really have to wear with a tie. Because it’s a spread collar, without a tie there would be a big gap in the middle. And you would look like a nun. Never the right answer, people.
Tab collar. That little bridge of cotton that holds the collar in place behind your tie makes for a very, very neat and conservative, dressed-up and well-tailored look, meant to go with a dressier suit. Yes, you have to wear a tie with this one.
White contrast collar. This is where the body of the shirt is a color, but the collar is white. This is a very dressed-up, very English look. It’s really, really sharp—just think of Robert Redford in The Great Gatsby. Sigh. Maybe that doesn’t make you as happy as it makes me.
KNIT SHIRTS
Polo-style knit shirts are comfortable classic standbys. If you have five of these in your closet—a black one, a white one, and a few fun colors, in a mix of short and long sleeves—you’ll never go wrong. This shirt is one of the most versatile pieces of clothing in your wardrobe. Everyone looks great in a polo, and it always has a certain preppy chic sophistication that works for most occasions, as well as the casual work environment. Pair it with denim, wear it to work with khakis and a blazer, or throw one on with shorts at the beach, and you’ll always look cool. I wouldn’t wear one to a wedding, but to a casual dinner in the Hamptons? Absotively!
The polo shirt is not to be confused with the Polo shirt, as in the Ralph Lauren brand.
I bet you’re waiting for me to give the step-by-step on how to iron a shirt. Surprise! I’m not. Because unless you live in Cambodia, there is no reason for not sending your dress shirts to the cleaners. It costs a dollar, people. And if you can’t come up with that dollar, you have bigger issues than wrinkly shirts.
As for how much starch to use, it’s a very personal preference. When you heavily starch a shirt, it feels like you’re wearing cardboard. That’s a great way to get a full body dermabrasion without seeing a dermatologist, but I really can’t recommend it. Heavy starch only magnifies and intensifies wrinkling, because it makes the shirt too crisp and hard. The moment you sit, those wrinkles are also going to be permanently etched into your shirt. So follow your hearts, but if you’re committed to heavy starch, promise me you’ll at least give light starch a try. And maybe then you’ll see the light.
It’s just any short-sleeve knit shirt in a style that was originally used for playing polo. It’s that heritage that makes the shirt comfortable, breathable, cool, sexy, and sophisticated. Just look at where it came from, and you’ll see why it’s so cool. While the design of the polo shirt was perfected by Lacoste and Ralph Lauren, your knit shirts don’t have to have a logo. It’s really a
matter of personal preference. I don’t care if you’re sporting the Polo pony, the Lacoste crocodile, Le Tigre or Bozo the Clown. (Okay, maybe not so much Bozo the Clown.) As long as it fits and it looks good, it doesn’t matter where it’s from.
Now a lot of people think that a polo shirt and a golf shirt are the same. They’re not. The golf shirt looks like the polo shirt and is similarly constructed, but it’s a very different animal, mon frère. The polo shirt is meant to be a little more tailored and sophisticated. I know this might come as a shock, but a golf shirt is meant for playing golf. It has a very specific function and fit, like roominess in the shoulders and waist to allow for lots of twisting in the torso. The sleeve goes to the elbow, because if you were wearing a regular polo shirt while teeing off, a lot of your arm would show. And that might not be so much fun for your fellow players. Personally, I don’t golf, but I like to dress up and pretend I’m golfing, just so I can wear the clothes. As long as the clothes are cute, keep swinging away, people!
The knit shirt is also an area where the straight guy should be cautious and not fall victim to the lure of the free shirt. Why? Well, there’s a reason they’re free. You get what you pay for, silly!
A lot of companies give out free knit shirts with corporate logos. Bad idea. You don’t want to look like you’re renting shoes at a bowling alley or driving the tram to the Tinkerbell Lot at Disney World. Unless you are. And there’s no shame in that, kids.
While it pains me greatly, I realize that some of you may have to wear these logoed knit shirts at the annual trade show or as part of your daily uniform. But don’t let me catch you in them Friday after five. Like a hooker after sunup, those things better go into hiding.
T- SHIRTS
There’s nothing sexier than a clean, nicely broken-in, cuddly white cotton crewneck T-shirt worn with jeans, a charismatic belt, and some loafers. I think that’s hot. You’re done. It’s so very James Dean. If you buy some well-fitted, high-quality T-shirts to wear alone or layer under other things—three in white, three in black, and three in heathered gray—that’s the most bang for $7.50 a pop that you’ll ever have, unless there’s a trip to Thailand in your future.
Just like most things, I don’t really care where you buy them. The Gap is fine. Old Navy is fine. As long as it’s hefty, nice cotton with a well-constructed ribbed collar, it’s going to look great. But once again, I’m not talking about underwear T-shirts that are sheer enough to show your nipples. Wrong answer. (See chapter two on underwear.)
You might also want to season your wardrobe—pepper it, if it you will—with a few novelty shirts. There’s been a big vintage T-shirt craze that’s swept our great nation. They’re available everywhere. But what made the vintage ones great was the quirkiness of their design, the logos, the color schemes, or the quizzical commercial mottoes. When those great old designs are knocked off and reproduced en masse by major corporate retailers, they lose their panache. When every guy on the street has the same faux vintage Larry’s Lube Stop tee that he bought at the mall for $18.99, it’s no longer hip. So why get an imposter when you can have the real thing? A quick visit to the local Goodwill, or to a more upscale thrift store, and you can find great, broken-in, soft, cuddly vintage tees for pennies on the dollar of what you’d pay at a “full retail” store. And they’re authentic, which is the key word. A good rule of thumb, by the way, is to avoid any clothing that actually says the word “authentic” on it.
SWEATERS
Sweaters are an important part of any guy’s wardrobe. A few sweaters will really go a long way, especially if you invest in flattering colors. (Hint: Taupey, flesh-toned colors just don’t look good on anyone. Matching your clothes to your skin tone is a really bad idea.) A fine-gauge sweater is a great way to look dressed up without wearing a woven shirt or a sport coat. It’s perfect for dates.
You should definitely have a few crewneck sweaters. The crewneck is versatile because it can look fantastic with a T-shirt or a dress shirt underneath, although I prefer a T-shirt. You should also have one or two V-neck sweaters. They’re a bit harder to wear and tend to look a little guidofied, so it is crucial that they be worn with a woven shirt with a collar. A T-shirt under a V-neck is a no-no.
If you’re feeling a little frisky, you might want to throw a cardigan or a zip-up sweater into the mix. The cardigan is not just for Fred Rogers anymore, and can actually be very chic. The important thing here is fit, fit, fit. An illfitting cardigan is the first step to homelessness.
Last but not least, man’s best friend. No, not your right hand or your golden retriever, but the trusty turtleneck. Every man should own at least one black turtleneck. They are chic, slim, and versatile like me!
Sweaters are all about the fiber of which they are constructed. When you buy a sweater, you should really consider the climate in which you live and how much use you’re going to get out of it. There’s no color-coded fiber chart of the U.S., like they have for flower bulbs, but I think you can figure it out. If you live in Hawaii, you’re not going to get much use out of those bulky fisherman knits, and linen roll-necks won’t be that helpful during Michigan winters.
Guys know what cotton and polyester are, but you don’t know yarns, so here’s a little cheat sheet.
Cashmere
What’s all the fuss about cashmere? It’s as expensive as cosmetic surgery. Wait, let me think of a good straight guy analogy. Cashmere is the flat screen TV of yarns. It’s the Super Bowl of sweaters.
Cashmere comes from a goat, imagine that. Specifically, it’s from the soft belly hair of a goat from the Kashmir region of India. It’s expensive because it takes forever for our goat friends to grow enough hair to make one sweater. It’s a luxury because it’s super warm and cuddly. Cashmere is cute cubed—cute, cute, cute!
But alas, all cashmere is not created equal. Just like beef, where you have prime, choice, and grade A, there are different quality levels of fibers. Some manufacturers use a very low-grade cashmere, so you really have to feel the quality and comparison shop a little. It’s all right, cop a good feel. This is one place where you won’t get sued if you touch.
How to Make Friends with Cashmere
Ordinarily, a decent cashmere sweater will run you between $150 and $400. I don’t want you to have to take out a second mortgage to afford one, so here’s a useful tip. Head to a department store in the few days after Christmas. You can often still find a very good selection at deeply reduced prices—often as much as 50 percent off. And once you bring your little cashmere friend home, don’t neglect its needs. You might think it best to send your cashmere to a professional dry cleaner, but you need to resist that urge. Dry-cleaning strips cashmere of the essential natural oils that make it so soft and cuddly. Just wash it yourself with a capful of Woolite and lay it flat to dry.
Merino
This is the poor man’s cashmere, a very popular and less costly alternative. Merino is actually a very high-quality, luxurious wool that comes from the merino sheep of New Zealand. They’re a little bit dressier than other wool sweaters, they’re a little bit cooler, and a nice alternative to the more expensive fibers. Think of your merino sweaters as baby steps on the glorious road to cashmere.
Lambswool
Lambswool falls in the same category as merino—it’s more lightweight than regular wool and generally a little finer quality and more dressed up. Because it comes from baby sheep, the fibers are younger and softer.
Wool
You probably already know that wool comes from our little sheep friends. Natural fibers are always better because when woven into a sweater, they do exactly what the fiber intended to do in nature: keep the animal warm and wick away moisture. And they’ll do the same for you, tiger.
When you take care of your wool sweaters, remember the wool was once a living thing. So when you’re storing it, it needs room to breathe. It can’t be suffocated or overheated, and needs to be cared for properly. It’s kind of like your hair, which is essentially dead on the to
p of your head, but it’s still an organic material. Of course, some of us have hair that is more dead than others’. And you know who you are.
Cotton
Cotton sweaters are great, especially for those gentle readers who live in warmer states like Texas, California, and Florida. They’re a good alternative because they provide warmth but are not super, super warm like cashmere or wool.
The care and laundering of cotton sweaters can be a bit tricky. Because they’re cotton, they have a lot of flex to the fiber and can stretch out very easily. Much like your mother’s breasts, gravity is not your cotton sweaters’ friend. Before you know it, you have a full-blown Jennifer-Beals-in-Flashdance look going. This is very easy to avoid, people. If you have a shoulder showing, or have the urge to cinch your cotton sweater with a belt and wear it with leg warmers and tap shoes, it’s time to get rid of it.
Off the Cuff Page 6
