Shaking his head, he turns toward the window and with a heavy sigh makes his way over, completely turning his back on me as he focuses his attention outside. Distancing himself the only way he knows how from the horrible thing that I realized I said almost the second it came out. Words I wish I could rewind and take back because they were never meant to be said. The anger that I’ve been holding onto and bringing into our arguments is venomous and so unlike me that I’m having a hard time believing it’s even me standing here in the moment now.
It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to be like this.
“Nick…”
“No, Rose. You made your point loud and clear and you’re right. Maybe instead of throwing myself into work after Emily died, I should have paid more attention to my son’s pain. I regret the way I did things, but that has absolutely nothing at all to do with this. I saw what I was doing and have been working my ass off ever since trying to rectify the damage.”
He’s right and I want to express that to him, but something tells me with what I’ve stepped in, he’s in no mood to hear it.
How did things get so bad? For the last eight months, we’ve had this whirlwind courtship that would make most jealous. Why did it have to turn so ugly? It doesn’t even feel like we’re the same two people that found each other over coffee anymore.
Maybe Emery and Christian aren’t the ones needing to break up. Maybe it was us all along.
“But you,” he continues, turning and staring me down. “You’ve poisoned yourself against the thought of our children being in love and put your own past on them so heavily that you’re sitting in this house alone. So tell me, which one of us is really in the wrong here?”
I’ve earned every bit of his malice toward me. I never should have said what I did about him, especially attacking how he reacted after he lost his wife.
His one true love.
“Neither of us. We’re both just doing the best we know how under the circumstances.”
“You know, normally I would agree with you, but you’re not doing that and I sure as hell know that I’m not. I can do a whole lot better and it’s about damn time I did.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I need some space. I can’t do this with you, not when I’m of better use at home with the son that actually does still need me.”
*****
Just like that he was gone.
Walking out of my home, and quite possibly my life just as quickly as he entered it eight months before.
But if I thought it would end there, I was sadly mistaken. There was another Cayne waiting around the bend with a few choices words for me.
One I was going to have no other choice but hear out.
Whether I liked it or not.
Christian
The last thing I expect to see when I pull up at Emery’s is my dad storming from the house, his jaw rigid, his eyes full of fire as the anger propels him across the lawn at lightning speed.
Jumping down out of the truck and jogging over to where he’s about to get into the car, I call out before he can slide inside.
“Chris? What are you doing here?”
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to do and I couldn’t put it off anymore.”
My admission earns me an eyebrow raise and a slight twist of his head toward the house he just exited from.
“Emery isn’t here, son. She hasn’t been for a while.”
“I’m not here for her.”
As expected, he’s confused and with the way that came out, so am I. Of course I’m here for Emery. It just so happens the best shot at getting to her is through her mom.
“I mean, I’m here for Emery, but to talk to Rose.”
“Chris, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Why?”
“It’s just not the best time.”
“Because you two are still fighting?”
Nodding weakly, he turns his attention away from the house and the woman I guarantee is on the other side looking just as worn as he does as his eyes meet mine again.
“Dad, I’m gonna make all of this right, I swear.”
“You’ve got nothing to make right, Chris. What’s happening between Rosie and I is on us.”
“Is this where you give me the ‘adult issues need to be dealt with by the adults’ speech again? Because Dad, I’ve heard it way too many times and I’m not a kid anymore.”
Chuckling a little under his breath, his eyes soften as he reaches out and grips my shoulder.
“Was the speech really that bad?”
“Coming from Officer Cayne, no, but coming from my dad, yeah. It was pretty bad.” I joke and the hold he has on my shoulder gets heavier as he squeezes it three times in succession. His silent way of expressing how he feels.
That he loves me.
Being here now and having him doing this makes what I’m here to do even more important. I’m right where I need to be. For Emery and my dad.
“Are you sure you want to risk going in that house? I can’t exactly say she’ll be pleased to see you with the way we left things.”
He brings up a good question. What did happen in there.
“How bad was it?”
“If something doesn’t give soon, it looks like both Cayne men will be back on the market.”
“Are you still fighting about us?” I ask, not even bothering to say her name, knowing he’ll understand.
“Yes and no. Our emotions are on high alert with everything that’s happened and we’re both saying things we don’t really mean. We just need some time apart.”
“Like you and mom used to when you’d fight about work?”
“Exactly. Which is why I’m not sure that speaking to her right now will have the effect you’re hoping it does.”
“How do you know what I’m here to say?”
“Because I know you, and I also know how much you care about that girl and want to bring her home.”
“If I wanted to bring her home, you gave me her aunt’s address. I could easily have gone there instead of coming here.”
“I’m well aware, which makes me think that you’re smarter than you look.” He laughs and I just shake my head. Leave it to my dad to be completely pissed off one second and flipping to humorous and concerned in the very next breath.
“Well, there had to be something I inherited from you, right? I mean this much awesome couldn’t have been all mom’s doing.”
“It was actually, but nice attempt at kissing my ass.”
“Go home, Dad. I got it from here. If what you need is a break from Rose, sticking around her driveway probably isn’t gonna help.” I change the subject when he finally releases the hold on the shoulder and casts one more look back at the house.
“Yeah, you know, I think I will, but if you need me—”
“I know where you live.” I finish giving him a quick hug before breaking away and making a beeline straight for what’s waiting for me on the other side of the door.
*****
“Christian!” she exclaims opening the door. “What are you doing here?”
“May I come in?”
“Emery isn’t here.”
“She hasn’t been here for weeks. I’m here to speak with you. May I please come in?”
Moving back from the door, she makes a sweeping motion with her hand, giving her unspoken consent for me to come in, and kicking off my shoes once I’m in, I head straight into the living room. Taking a seat on the sofa as she makes her way in and does the same to her recliner, I have just enough time to lean forward before the questions start.
“So, Chris, what can I do for you?”
Well, for starters, you can accept the fact that I’m in love with you daughter.
If I want to get through to her, letting my thoughts do the talking is probably not the way to go. I’ve got to play this smart or I’m going to lose the one shot I’ve got at getting through to her and bringing Emery home. So
instead of saying what I really want to, I try a different way.
“Do you love my dad?”
“More than anything.” She answers easily. “But what does that have to do with why you’re here?”
“How does he make you feel when you’re together?”
“Christian, I’m not sure what business this is of yours. You have every right to ask me some things about my relationship with your dad, but there are some that need to remain private.”
“So you can’t tell me how he makes you feel? That’s something I don’t have the right to know?”
“That’s not what I’m saying…I’m sorry. I just don’t see what good telling you any of this will do.”
“It will help me understand you. I’m here because I want the chance to do that, but also because I think we might have a lot in common and I want to see if I’m right.”
“And what is it that you think we have in common?”
“In order for it to make sense, I think maybe I should tell you how Emery made me feel first. Maybe if I can put what I feel when I’m with her in the right context, you’ll understand what I’m getting at and you can answer the question.”
Her eyes look away first, followed up closely by her legs crossing and uncrossing repetitively as her fingers tap together before she finally has enough and silences the movement by laying them out flat across her knees. Making it pretty obvious that this is the last thing she wants to hear. I don’t care. Her reaction is not going to be a deterrent for me. Emery means too much.
Rose has gotten her way long enough.
“I always knew I was going through the motions after my mom died, but it was never as noticeable as it was when I ended up here in September and your daughter almost ran me down. She may not have crashed into me that day, but the truth of the way I was living sure did. I was empty inside and faking pretty much every interaction I had. Just going through the motions and doing what I felt my dad would want and what would make my mom proud. Your daughter, my Emery, she changed all of that.”
“In the weeks leading up to the move, every time I thought about starting over, I would have a panic attack. All the blood would rush to my head and it felt like someone was holding a plastic bag over me, smothering me until I couldn’t breathe. I was twisted up in knots all the time because the thought of having to fake things more than I already was, scared the crap out of me. That first day and every other one after it though, it was surprisingly easy. I could breathe easier, I could feel again, and all the robotic crap that I spent four years becoming the master of seemed to fall away.”
“Rose, your daughter made me feel alive when for so long I wished that I was as dead as my mom. In a lot of ways, I already was because inside I went with her when she passed. Emery, apart from making me believe in love, made me believe in something again, but most of all, she taught me that life could be about more than just my loss.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say with all this is…Emery saved my life.”
Where I expect her to lift her hands to her ears to block me out or turn even further away from me in her chair, she surprises me by finally lifting her eyes back up to meet mine, giving me exactly what I said I was after when I first sat down.
The chance to get to know her.
“She did the same thing for me the day she was born and she hasn’t stopped in the seventeen years after.”
“So do you understand the question now?”
“I understood it before, Christian, but before, just like now, I’m not sure what good it will do hearing the answer.”
“Fine, we’ll move on from it. Can I ask you an easier one?”
“Alright.”
“Why were you so against me and Emery dating when you first figured it out?”
“I saw it ending badly.”
“How? Are you psychic or something? Why did your mind instantly go there?”
“Honestly, I’ve always been that way. Always seeing the worst case scenario in my head. Which is exactly what I told your father, but what I didn’t tell him and probably should have is, the reason it was so easy for me to want the two of you apart was because I stopped seeing the both of you and could only see myself.”
Well, that’s a whole lot more than I was expecting to get.
“When I met Emery’s father in high school, it had only taken me a few days to know he was my forever and always. I was seventeen and didn’t know any better. There had been signs that he wasn’t the right one, but I ignored them all because I loved him so completely. The very same way I saw Emery loving you. I could see the heartbreak she would experience, the same as I did when it all fell apart a few years later and I wanted to spare her.”
“But why did you see heartbreak? My dad might have felt weird about us being together, but he still accepted it for what it was. You immediately wanted us to end.”
“Again, that all comes back to my own personal experience. Sure, the situations were different, but at the time and even now, I continue to see her repeating my mistakes because she’s still so young. With so much of life ahead of her, I want to make things easier than they were for me.”
“Breaking up with me, you know she did that for you, right?”
“I’m sure asking you to keep it a secret and you complying also played a part in it, but yes, I’m well aware that I’m the reason she made the choice she did and why she’s no longer here.”
“Have you even tried telling her any of this? Explaining everything you just told me?”
“No, because it’s about more than just my past, Christian. Apart from everything I’ve told you, I still believe that the two of you being together is wrong.”
“But why?”
I need her to explain this to me. Make me understand why she is so damn against us because I don’t think I can support a marriage between her and my dad until I do. I need to know how her mind works if I’m going to one day refer to her as my family.
As my step-mom.
“All Emery ever wanted was for me to be with her father. She never came right out and said those words specifically, but she wanted it. She needed her dad, or at the very least, a devoted and wonderful man in her life that could teach her and give her things that as her mother, I just couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. She can have that with Nick and I think even you can agree with that.”
She’s right. The wish we made to the sky the night her mom caught us together is proof of that. I was wishing at the time for the guy her mom was dating to step up and now, I know for a fact I was wishing for my dad.
Nick Cayne for all of his faults and the way he disconnected after losing my mom, is still one of the best men I’ve ever known. He would love Emery the same way he loves me, if not more. Giving his own life up to make sure hers is a happy one.
Which is a lot of the reason why I’m sitting here and fighting right now.
We both want the same thing.
Emery happy.
“He would love her with everything he had.”
“So now you see why I can’t let the way I feel about this go. Christian, you’re a wonderful young man. From everything I’ve seen and been shown through the short amount of time we’ve spent together, I know that about you instinctively, but no matter how good of a man you are and will be in the future, you’re also the one thing standing between Emery and the dream she spent years wishing would come true.”
“How do you figure I’m preventing her from getting everything she wants?”
“By loving her the way you do.”
“And because of who my father is.”
“Yes.”
“Rose, I don’t mean any disrespect by anything I might say next, but I think there’s some things you need to know about me that you obviously don’t, or won’t allow yourself to.”
Pausing, giving her time to react to what I’ve said or at the very least prepare herself for anything of offense that might follow once I start, I wait her out until after a few seconds where all I
can hear the ticking of the clock as it continues to move behind me, she motions with her hand for me to continue.
“I’m not Emery’s father. I may be the same age as him when you loved him, and I may even feel about her the same way that you felt about him, but I am not him. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to live without her for weeks now—months really—and I haven’t been able to. When I should have been able to give up and walk away, or gotten sick of fighting a losing battle, I didn’t. I stayed. I won’t ever leave her the way he did with you, and I know that you think that her being with me would prevent her from having the love of a really great dad, but you’re wrong about that too. It’s like my dad told me. She’s going to get his love in the future, the same way she has it now, because whether you accept it or you don’t, she’ll be getting it as my wife. He’s going to be her father in-law.”
If practically announcing my intent to marry her daughter in the future phases her at all, she doesn’t show it. The fidgeting from before is long gone now and her face is a blank slate. As much as I’d hoped I’d be able to read her, figure out where she’s going to go after this, I can’t.
“I love your daughter and with all of the signs that led me to her, forcing me to acknowledge what was happening between us, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will love her forever. She’s as much a part of the shape and beat of my heart as my mom is and she always will be.”
There has to be a reason their names are so similar. Emily and Emery. It’s because it’s another sign, only this time, from my mom.
Before she can even open her mouth to speak, I lift my hand and silence her.
I’m not done.
She can say whatever she wants to me after the fact, but I am not leaving here until I’ve said everything that I knew I would before I even got in my truck to come over. She’s going to get it all.
“You don’t need to like it, you don’t even need to understand it, but I would really like it if you would at least try and accept it. The future isn’t written, but this is. Emery and I, we’re infinite. We’re the forever and always you wanted to have when you were our age, and the one you can have with my dad if you just allow yourself to.”
The Space In Between Page 32
