by J. L. Berg
“Come on, let’s go inside so I can check on my patient,” he suggested before placing a kiss on my cheek.
I helped him with the bags that are strewn on the front stoop, giving myself a little peek to see what goodies he had brought. I saw boxes of Kleenex, Tylenol, movies, and popcorn.
“Hey, is there any chocolate in here?” I asked as we made our way inside.
“Of course. Do you think I’d show up without chocolate?” The man was well trained.
Maddie saw us round the corner into the family room, on our way to the kitchen, and yelled “Logan!” mustering up as much excitement as she could from the couch.
“Hey princess, how ya feeling?” he asked, dropping his bags on the counter and moving toward Maddie.
“My tummy hurts,” she complained. She really did sound pitiful.
“Well we can’t have that, can we?” Logan said.
I pulled down some plates and absently watched him with Maddie as he looked at her throat and felt her tummy, causing her to softly giggle. He finished up his mini exam, covering her with a blanket and returning to the kitchen.
“Well, I don’t think I discovered anything more than you did. It’s probably a stomach bug. We just need to get her to drink water and maybe chew on some crackers,” he said, sounding very doctor-ish. It was kind of hot. He just needed a pair of scrubs.
I helped him unpack the groceries, touched by his thoughtfulness, when I notice the Band-Aid at the crook of his arm.
“What’s this?” I asked, grabbing his arm so I could have a closer inspection.
“Oh, nothing. Had to get blood work,” he said dismissively.
The blood drained from my face, and I felt weak. He said it was nothing, right? So I should have calmed down, but I couldn’t. Visions of blood tests and chemo flashed through my memory and I struggled to stay upright.
“Whoa there...Babe, you okay?” his voice filled with concern.
I nodded absently, but he didn’t believe me for a second, grabbing my hand to sit me down at the kitchen table. Kneeling down on the tiled floor, he took my hand in his, gently rubbing with his thumb.
“Hey, look at me,” he urged gently as my eyes slowly locked with his.
“I had a physical. Just standard blood tests. I’m not going anywhere, Clare. Okay?”
I nodded again, letting a tear escape down my cheek. I was being ridiculous. But the thought of losing him, going through that again. I didn’t think I could do it.
He pulled me into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around my back, enveloping me in warmth.
“Even doctors have to visit the doctor’s office every once in a while,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. It seemed to work, because I fired back with, “Oh yeah, you can’t give yourself a physical? I’m pretty sure you could do that ‘turn and cough’ thing pretty well solo.”
He laughed against my ear as we stood and headed back to the kitchen. He was fine and everything was going to be okay, I assured myself.
We got our pizza, which wasn’t nearly as good as the pizza Logan had made, and joined Maddie in the family room. Thankfully, I was able to talk her out of more Dora, and we watched a Disney movie instead. Cuddled up on the couch together, with Maddie resting between us, I could see it.
The three of us, like this, forever.
But it was a conversation we had never had. He said I was his and he would always be here, but was he ready to be a father? I knew he loved Maddie, but becoming a father to her was different. Could I ask that of him? I knew what I wanted, and it was him. I could only hope he wanted us, and everything that came with us.
Maddie fell asleep and Logan helped carry her upstairs to her room. We both tucked her in, giving her kisses goodnight. Logan began to head back for the stairs, and I grabbed his hand, stopping him.
“Stay. Please, Logan.”
“Always,” he vowed, before following me to the bedroom.
I shut the door, locking it, making sure I heard the click before I turned. Giving myself a few moments to stand there, I admired the man before me. Sometimes I couldn’t help but stare. He was like a magnet pulling me in, and I was helpless to stop. He was the perfect combination of pure sin and superhero, and I wanted all of him.
Right now.
“Clare, you’ve got to stop looking at me like that,” he groaned.
“Why?” I asked, letting my hips sway as I sauntered toward him. Finally reaching my object of desire, I reached out, running my hands up and down the blue t-shirt that covered his perfectly formed chest.
“Because Maddie’s down the hall and I can only handle so much before I throw you on the bed and take you anyway.”
What was this? Take me anyway? I don’t know about him, but sex was definitely in my plans for the evening. Oh. I understood.
“You’re scared to have sex with Maddie in the house, aren’t you?” I couldn’t help but grin. Seeing him squirm was pretty damn funny.
“Well, that would definitely be a first for me,” he agreed.
Who knew a full grown man would be so freaked out about having sex in the same house as a child. It’s not like she was in the room with us.
“Logan?” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Do you plan on living with me? Ever?” I asked, hoping and praying I didn’t just step over a line trying to make a point.
“Dear God, I hope so,” he said like a prayer.
I gave myself a second, or five to let that sink in, making sure I remembered those words forever.
“And exactly how did you foresee this future of ours? Are we just going to practice abstinence whenever Maddie’s in the house? For the next fourteen years?”
His eyes widened, causing me to laugh.
“What if she wakes up? I mean, we’re not exactly quiet,” he argued, clearly warming to the idea.
My hands moved to the edge of my tank top, lifting it over my head, and exposing my purple satin bra. His eyes flared with heat, and I knew he wasn’t thinking about anything else but me now.
“Then we’ll just have to learn to be silent, won’t we?” I said before I pushed him onto the bed to teach him the art of quiet lovemaking.
~Logan~
I woke in the middle of the night to Maddie calling out for me. My eyes tried to focus in the darkened room as she poked at my head. Again. Sleep still tugged at my every thought making my movements jerky and lethargic. Suddenly remembering the hours of lovemaking Clare and I had spent before going to sleep, I ran my hands down my body, exhaling in relief that I had the forethought to throw on a pair of boxers and shirt before collapsing into bed.
“Maddie? You okay princess?” I asked as I pulled her toward me, noticing right away the immense heat radiating off her body.
“I don’t feel very good,” she said, wrapping her arms around my neck.
I gathered her into my lap, exhaling as I let this moment sink in, because it was a big one. She had come to me. She needed someone and she chose me. I don’t know what it was like to be a father, to watch your child grow in your wife’s belly, be born, and hold her in your arms for the first time. It wasn’t a life I had ever pictured for myself. But I did know what it was like to hold Maddie in my arms, to feel her head rest on my shoulder when she was sleepy, to see the joy in her face when we danced. She may not be mine by birth, but I would give up everything I had to be her father. To belong to her, to them both.
“Come on princess, let’s go downstairs so we won’t wake your Mommy,” I said, before picking her up and heading downstairs for the kitchen. Clare had earned the sleep, and I would gladly stay up the rest of the night if needed. But that wasn’t why I was doing this. Seeing Maddie in the darkness tonight, as she reached for me, her body sick and frail. I wasn’t ready to give her up yet. She came to me, and I wanted to be her healer and protector. I would let Clare take over in the morning when I had to leave for work, but for now, I needed a night taking care of the little girl who had stolen a piece of my heart.
/> I took Maddie’s temp which was high, as expected. She sleepily took the medicine I gave, and drank some of the water I put in her Dora Sippy cup, but she was having a difficult time settling. I put on a movie, and we burrowed ourselves under a blanket while I began running my fingers through her hair. It was something I’d seen Clare do on numerous occasions, and it always seemed to soothe her. About fifteen minutes later, her eyes fluttered, and eventually closed, and she fell asleep in my arms.
I purposely remained awake a while longer, watching the breath move in and out of her body through her rose colored lips. It’s amazing how life can change on you in an instant. A few months ago, I was afraid of my own emotions, and I protected myself with a thick layer of ice. I pushed away the few people in my life who actually loved me, scared that the love I felt for them was a long standing lie as well. I had convinced myself that someone who grows up without knowing love was incapable of giving it. It was the reason why I couldn’t love Melanie, the reason I had ruined our marriage. And so I gave up. If I didn’t know how to love, why bother? Why bother with any of it?
And then I walked into an exam room and met two redheads that took my bitter, pathetic excuse for a life and turned it upside down. I was so afraid that I’d never be able to love anyone, and here I was, holding a child I desperately wanted to call my own and upstairs was a woman I would give my life for.
Turns out I was always capable of love, I just hadn’t found it yet.
“Hey,” Clare’s sleepy voice wafted in as she entered the family room and sat next to me on the couch.
“Hey.” I answered back, “She woke me. Said she didn’t feel good, so I took her down here. I hope you don’t mind.”
She smiled, looking at Maddie in my arms, as she placed her own hand over mine and we begin to stroke Maddie’s hair together. “It’s perfect. Seeing you there with her, it’s perfect,” she whispered.
“I love you.” I told her without hesitation, saying the words I’ve been holding inside of me for far too long, “I’ve loved you Clare, every minute of every day, since the very first day.”
A single tear escaped down Clare’s cheek before I heard the single greatest words of my life.
“I love you, too. Oh God, I love you too, Logan,” she said, her voice raw and heavy with emotion.
I pulled her toward me, kissing her gently, making sure not to wake Maddie who was still asleep in my arms. We kissed, hugged and cried for hours as we held Maddie throughout the night. Exactly like a family would do, because that’s what we were now, a family. After years of being ignored in my own family, I had found one of my own. I no longer needed anyone else, as long as I had Clare and Maddie in my life.
Chapter Fourteen
~Clare~
“This is where we’re supposed to be?” Logan asked as the cab pulled up to the curb. I looked at the hotel, admiring its beautiful exterior, complete with historic brickwork and elegant overhang.
“What’s wrong with it? It’s stunning,” I said as I helped Maddie out of the bright yellow cab.
“Yes, it is. It’s also subdued and understated,” he said with a frown. “Are you sure we’re at the right place?” He checked the address again and shrugged. He handed the cab driver several twenties causing the man to leap from his seat to help with our luggage.
The three of us waited on the New York street corner while the cabbie and valet unloaded our luggage. I looked down the busy street as cars zoomed by and peopled hurried along. New York was a different world. Seeing it now, I wondered how Logan survived the slow paced life of Virginia after living here. Looking over at him now, he was still busy staring at the hotel like it was a Rubix Cube he couldn’t solve.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess. This just isn’t the place I would have envisioned. My mom is a certain type of woman,” he chose his words carefully.
“We’ll call her extravagant. She marries for money, and when the man she married stops giving her money, she moves on. Her last wedding was in Paris. Everyone was flown in for the week long affair, and it ended up costing her husband over a million dollars. They were married about a year.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. Who spent that kind of money on a wedding? I had that much sitting in the bank from Ethan’s life insurance and I was hoping to make it last a lifetime, but Logan’s mom had spent that and more for a wedding ceremony that rivaled Kim Kardashian’s.
“I guess we’ll never find out if we don’t go in, huh?” I picked up Maddie, who had been bouncing up and down gabbing about her first plane trip and entered the lobby. She had quieted down a bit, taking in the sights of New York as we drove here from the airport. It was adorable to see her tiny nose glued to the window of the cab as she tried to see the tops of the skyscrapers.
The lobby of the hotel was breathtaking, and everything you would expect from a historic New York hotel. Majestic marble floors led to a grand mahogany staircase. There were plush sofas and chairs grouped together making intimate seating arrangements. People wandered about reading and drinking coffee, speaking in just about every language known to man.
Logan went to the desk and checked us into our suite.
Once the valet escorted us to the elevator, I asked, “Is it weird to be back?”
“No,” he answered.
“No? Why?” I asked.
He shrugged, saying, “I have you and Maddie with me. I’m here, making new memories with you and that erases all the bad.”
I grasped his hand in mine, feeling the warmth seep into my skin. Sometimes I had to touch him just to make sure he was real and wasn’t a figment of my imagination. Why the universe had decided I was lucky enough to get this second chance, I would never know, but I wasn’t letting it go.
Exiting the elevator, the valet opened our suite and Maddie raced inside to one of the two bedrooms, immediately jumping up and down on the pristinely made bed.
“I guess that one is hers,” I laughed.
“I think they’re both fairly equal, so it doesn’t really matter. Besides, all I need is a bed...and you.” His voice suddenly became sexier and lower, taking on a rougher quality. I called it his “sex voice” and it was my favorite of all the different variations of his voice.
Logan had gotten over his fear of being intimate in the same house as Maddie very quickly. After Maddie’s bout with the stomach flu, he had spent every night with us and it had been pure bliss. Seeing him walk through the door after finishing his shift at the hospital, and waking up next to him made me never want to see him go. Maddie loved having him around. I secretly asked myself if we were moving too fast, having only dated for a few months, but it felt right. He fit in our world perfectly and we fit in his.
Ethan still filled my thoughts, as he always would. One night while Logan was working a late shift, I found myself sitting on my bed holding the letter he left behind. I smoothed my hands over its frayed edges, like I had done so many times before, staring at the words he’d written.
I had done the impossible. I had fallen in love. I’d been given a second chance at happiness, and I was diving in, headfirst. I placed my trembling hand on the seal, ready to break it and finally read what my late husband had written so many years earlier. I had so many sleepless nights wondering what he had written on those pages, and I was finally going to take the leap. At the very last second, as my breath was coming in short staccato beats in and out of my lungs, I threw the letter back into my night stand.
I was happy for the first time in years. What if there was something in this letter that changed that? I always thought “When You’re Ready” had something to do with moving on, but what if it didn’t? What if something in that letter changed the way I felt about Logan?
Looking back on that night, I felt angry. I had second guessed myself and made stupid excuses for my cowardice. I knew Ethan and I knew in the very depth of my soul that there was nothing in that letter but love. I’d made stupid excuses up for my inability to open that letter. I
wasn’t ready. Still. When would I be ready? I had fallen in love with another man for God’s sake! I even had the strength to remove my wedding ring, tucking it away in my jewelry box to give to Maddie one day. But I couldn’t open that letter. Even now, feeling the heat of Logan’s body as he pulled me into his arms, I still didn’t know if I would ever have the courage to open it.
A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. Logan kissed me on the forehead before walking over to greet our mystery visitor. We weren’t expected until the rehearsal dinner in a few more hours, so I had no idea who this could be.
“Mother?” I heard a surprised Logan say as he pulled the door open, revealing a beautiful middle-aged woman wearing a pretty summer dress and matching sweater. She looked nothing like what I would have pictured, and based on Logan’s reaction, I gathered it was a new look.
“Hi, Logan. I’m so glad you’re here,” she said sincerely before pulling him into her arms.
A stunned and very stiff Logan returned the hug briefly, taking a step back toward me to grab my hand, as if he needed the contact to keep him grounded.
I had never met the woman, but I think this new look and the way she was acting had completely shifted Logan’s entire view of his mother. He looked lost and confused, and for once, I didn’t know how to help him because I was just as confused as he was.
“Are you going to introduce me?” she asked, looking down at our joined hands.
“Of course, how rude of me. Mother, this is Clare Murray. Clare, this is my mother, Cecile Carrington,” he said formally.
I stepped forward offering my hand, but she pulled me into her arms as well.
“Just call me Cece. The last name is going to change tomorrow anyway,” she insisted, letting me go so I could return to Logan.
