Smashed

by Lisa Luedeke

  “You’re telling me. I had to deal with Sue Tapley. That girl needs a compass to know what direction she’s running in.”

  I smiled, despite myself.

  “Don’t worry,” she said. “There’s nothing you can do about any of this now. It’s over.”

  But Alec’s words about Stan’s party rang in my head: You’re going with me. I thought about the accident. His face. The lie.

  No, Cassie, I thought, it isn’t.

  20

  Outside my bedroom window, a loud whoosh startled me out of my sleep.

  The rapid clunking of wood tumbling on wood followed, like a hundred building blocks dropped in a heap: The winter’s wood had arrived.

  A large truck growled and whined as it moved forward and then back again at a different angle. With another enormous clatter, it deposited the rest of its load. I groaned and rolled over, pulling the covers with me. I’d barely slept. Coach Riley’s words had circled through my head long after midnight. It’s simple. You drink, you don’t play. Clearly, I couldn’t go to Stan’s party on Saturday. But what would I say to Alec? He had not asked me to go. He had told me I was going. With him.

  I peered out the window, trying to clear my head. Ron Bailey looked up and lifted a hand in greeting. The pile looked gargantuan. The pile meant work.

  Ron shut off the engine and stepped down from the cab of the truck when I appeared outside.

  “Looks like I got you out of bed.” His face was broad and gentle, his smile kind.

  I looked down. Bare feet and flannel pajama bottoms: a dead giveaway.

  “So how you doin’?” He walked around, surveying the pile. “That Alec character isn’t giving you any problems, is he?”

  My cheeks flushed. “No—no,” I stammered. “He’s fine.”

  “Don’t know if I’d agree about that.” Ron scowled. “Scared the life out of me when I found you that day. He’s damn lucky you’re standing here walking around.”

  He was looking at me now, waiting for me to speak, but how could I?

  “Well,” he said. “You’d better be gettin’ ready for school. If you need a hand with this, you just give a call. You know where to find me.”

  I mustered a smile. “Thanks, Ron.”

  The sharp scent of cut wood filled the cold morning air. Panic rushed through me as Ron pulled out of our yard. What was I going to do? Every year since my dad left, Matt and his father had helped me split and stack three cords. There was no way I could do it alone. But how could I call Matt now and ask him for help? I couldn’t.

  I’ll split it myself, damn it, I thought. I’ll do it by hand. I don’t need any help.

  I blinked and looked up. There, out of nowhere, was Matt, standing by our tallest pine tree, hands shoved in his pockets, shoulders high like he was shrugging.

  “Hey, Katie,” he said.

  “Hey, Matt.” I picked up a stray log and flung it onto the pile, where it landed with a solid clunk.

  He raised his brows and lifted his chin in the direction of the pile. “That’s a lot of wood.”

  I nodded.

  Neither of us spoke for a moment. I shivered and rubbed my arms. The sun was shining through the trees now, burning away the mist, revealing sky as blue as a robin’s egg.

  “My dad said he could come over a couple weekends from now and give you a hand.”

  “That’d be great, Matt, thanks.” My heart pounded.

  “No problem. I heard it’s getting cold early this year. Might snow before Thanksgiving.”

  “Really? That’s cool. Good field hockey weather. The cold, I mean.” I was babbling.

  “Cassie told me U. Maine’s coach is definitely coming to see you. Congratulations.”

  I nodded. Matt kicked at a stick on the ground in front of him, then tried to lift it with his toe and keep it airborne.

  “How’s soccer?”

  “Good. We have our first game after school today.”

  “I’ll come see it.”

  “I think it’s during your practice.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Right. Good luck.”

  “Thanks,” he said. Silence.

  “Well, see ya.” He turned slowly and walked across the lawn toward his house, his flannel shirttails flapping behind him.

  Miss you! I wanted to call after him, but I couldn’t.

  What if he ignored me? Just left my words to hang in the air, then fall flat on the ground? What if his father had made him come over and he was just as mad at me as ever?

  I watched him cross the street and go into his house, then went inside and collapsed on the couch.

  *

  A loud knock startled me. I jumped up and headed for the door, glancing at the clock as I ran. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep; it was time to leave for school.

  I swung the door open. Matt.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Um, are we talking?”

  “Yeah, we’re talking. I talked to you an hour ago. I told you we’d help with the wood.”

  “I thought maybe your dad made you do that.”

  “No. He didn’t make me do it.”

  A wave of relief rushed through me; behind it, tears.

  Matt reached out for me. “Don’t cry,” he said gently. “It’ll ruin your strength.”

  I laughed and squeezed my eyes tight. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’ve seen you cry before,” he said, pulling me close.

  “No, I’m sorry. About what I said to you.” I buried my face in his chest. “I didn’t mean it. I don’t want you out of my life. I’d never want that.”

  “I know,” he said.

  “Don’t ever forget that, no matter what I do.”

  Matt pushed me away so he could look at my face. “I won’t, but don’t go doing anything else crazy, okay?”

  “I’ve got no plans for that.”

  “I heard Alec asked you to go to Stan’s party with him.”

  “What? I don’t need you checking up on me, Matt.”

  He didn’t say anything, just kicked at the floor of the porch with one sneaker. “Well, you’re staying away from Alec, right?”

  “Yes. I am. It’s just … things are complicated, Matt.”

  Matt looked into my eyes, searching for a clue.

  “Believe me. I don’t like Alec either,” I said quietly.

  “Okay,” he said. “I believe you.”

  We stood there for a moment, taking each other in.

  “Go get dressed, quick,” he said. “I’ll give you a ride to school.”

  21

  Saturday morning a cool September breeze blew through the fan in my bedroom window. I put on my uniform and let the air flow over me. Finally, relief from the heat. This was field hockey weather. It had to be a good omen. Cassie had to be right: I’d paid my dues. My career on the bench was over.

  Downstairs in the kitchen, my mother cradled the phone between her ear and shoulder. She covered the receiver and turned to me. “Do you have a game today?”

  I nodded.

  “Make sure you eat something.”

  Her back was to me again before I could reply. Her head, still attached to the phone, disappeared into the refrigerator.

  “Okay, I’ll see you at eleven thirty, then.” She closed the door and hung up.

  “Hot date tonight, Mom?” She was moving at a frenetic pace around the kitchen, grabbing a can of tuna out of the pantry, slicing a tomato, whipping her hair up into a bun and securing it with a clip she dug out of her pocket. Maybe that’s why she’s so thin, I thought, because she never stops moving.

  “I’d hardly call it a date. We’ve been together three months.” I recognized the smile on her face when she said it. She definitely liked this guy.

  “Damn.” She tried to sponge a coffee spill off her nurse’s uniform. “Is your hockey uniform clean? I haven’t done laundry …”

  “I washed it, Mom. I’m wearing it.”

  She gave up on the coffee stain and headed back to the fridg
e, dodging me on her way. “Sorry, Kate, I’m late for work. I’m doing a double today. It means overtime this week. I’ll be too exhausted to drive anywhere tonight. I’ll be at the hospital until eleven, then at Ken’s. Will’s at Ben’s again tonight.”

  “He should pay rent there,” I said.

  She ignored that and gathered her things to go. “I went shopping. There’s plenty for dinner. And don’t forget the wood. We need to get started on that. Cover it with the tarps in the garage if it looks like it’s going to rain, will you, Kate?”

  Moments later, I watched her back out of the driveway, relieved that she was gone. It was time to focus. Today was the start of a stellar season. Nothing was going to come between me and a perfect record, between me and a scholarship, between me and a future.

  How many people even get this chance? That’s what Matt said when the college letters started arriving. He was right. There was no way I was going to blow it. I knew what I had to do, and I’d do it: Say no to drinking. Say no to Stan’s party.

  How hard could it be?

  *

  When the whistle blew and the game began, I felt like I was flying. Any anxiety I’d felt was gone. The world around me slipped away. All that existed was my body in motion and the ball moving toward me. My movements were spontaneous reactions to what had happened the split second before. There was no time to ponder, or worry, or consider. I thought no more of how I moved and reacted than a person considers her own breathing. This was the freedom of sport, a freedom that eluded me off the field no matter how hard I tried to find it.

  A pass from Cassie, timed perfectly, shot straight and hard across the field. I rushed it with my stick down and made the connection. One tap put it under my control and into the circle. Stick on ball, ball into cage. It happened so fast, their goalie didn’t know what hit her. Neither did I. A rush of adrenaline zipped through me. It was perfect: a goal in the first five minutes.

  I glanced toward Coach Riley as we jogged back to the fifty yard line. She was grinning. “Way to go, girls! Keep it up.”

  Matt, smiling, too, caught my eye as I ran by.

  Everything’s going to be all right, I thought as I took my position. Everything’s going to be just fine.

  *

  Clouds were moving over the sun as we stepped out of the gym. My hair still damp from showering, I reached into my bag and pulled out my Windbreaker, happily throwing it on over my head. We’d won our first official game.

  But from the corner of my eye I spotted Alec, standing near the field with Rob, Scott, and some other football players. My stomach turned, the excitement of our 3–0 win slipping away. We hadn’t spoken since that moment in the hall when Alec told me they’d pick me up at eight. I’d avoided him and he hadn’t come near me. Now I had to tell him; the party was tonight. I had no choice.

  “What’s up?” Cassie asked.

  I looked around the field for Coach Riley. She was near the bench still, talking to some parents. “It seems like everyone’s going to Stanfield’s,” I said, “so I guess they’re not worried about Riley finding out.”

  “Megan said they aren’t taking their own cars, just in case she’s patrolling the neighborhood or something,” Cassie said. “She asked me to go in her brother’s car.”

  “Are you?”

  “Are you kidding? There’s no way it’s worth it. I can’t believe they’re going.”

  “Let them see how it feels to get caught,” I said, kicking at the grass.

  “You don’t mean that,” Cassie said. “I mean, we could forget going undefeated if they get benched.”

  “True.” But how fair will it be if they get away with it? I thought. I was sick of being the team scapegoat.

  “I’ll bring the pizza and movies to your house?” Cassie asked.

  “That sounds great,” I said, but my eyes were back on Alec, who’d tossed the football to Scott and was heading straight for me. I did not want to talk to him in front of Cassie.

  “I left something in my locker.” I dropped my bag on the ground and walked quickly toward the gym.

  *

  Sneakers squeaked on the concrete floor outside the bathroom stall where I’d taken refuge.

  “Kay?” Cassie’s voice sounded hollow in the empty basement room. “Alec’s out there, you know. He claims you’re going to Stanfield’s with him.”

  Despite the dread I was feeling, I had to keep this light. I didn’t want Cassie thinking it was a big deal. I didn’t want to think it was a big deal.

  “How could I be going with him?” I said, emerging from the stall. “Before I wasn’t going at all, I was going with you.”

  Her smile was fleeting. “Seriously. What’s his problem?”

  “He wants me to go.” I shrugged. “I never said I would.”

  “I really don’t like him, Kay.” Cassie hit the button of a hand dryer—bam—with the palm of her hand and stuck her damp head beneath it. Hot air rushed out of the nozzle, the roar like a vacuum cleaner.

  “It’s no big deal, Cassie,” I said when it stopped. “I’ll get rid of him.”

  She picked up her bag and finally cracked a smile. “Please do.”

  *

  Alec’s loud laugh carried across the field and bounced off the gym as I emerged. In the distance, I could see Matt talking to Coach Riley, his head tilted to one side, a habit he’d developed from being so tall. Behind them, the oak trees on the hill swayed slightly in the wind. Most everyone else was gone.

  But not Alec.

  “Hey, good game, Katie,” he said, approaching with Scott at his side.

  “Congratulations.”

  Scott glanced at Alec, then walked away, football tucked under one arm.

  “We’ll pick you up at eight,” Alec said to me.

  “I can’t go.” My eyes darted uneasily in Coach Riley and Matt’s direction.

  “How come?” His words were a challenge. He looked at me as if he dared me to say it again.

  “Katie. How come? Scott and Alyssa are counting on us.”

  “My mom won’t let me.”

  “Bull.”

  “What?”

  “I said bull.” He flashed a smile. “Your mother lets you go anywhere you want—when she’s home. You’ve been to every party within fifty miles since freshman year.”

  “So? That was before I ended up drunk in an emergency room at six a.m. She’s not so trusting anymore.”

  His smile vanished. “So your mother’s home tonight?”

  I didn’t say anything, just looked past him toward the field. I didn’t want him to know the truth. How scared I was of getting caught by Coach Riley, of blowing my future.

  “I didn’t think so,” he said.

  I barely heard him. Coach Riley had turned and stood still now, her eyes fastened on Alec and me. My stomach lurched; I had to get away.

  “I have to stay in tonight, Alec. I have to.”

  His eyes fixed on mine and held. “Well, I’d give it some serious thought, Martini. I mean—if I were in your shoes.”

  Was that a threat? Something inside me snapped. What was he going to do, tell everyone I was driving? Accuse me of that now? Who would actually believe him?

  “You know what?” I said, emboldened. “Do what you want. If I go, my hockey career is over, anyway.”

  “Well,” he said, a slight smirk on his face. “Then we’ll just have to work something else out.”

  22

  The sun had slipped behind the mountains on the western side of the lake, turning them a dusky blue, then darker still—a black ridge against a clear, star-filled sky.

  Inside my house, I paced the living room, restless. I flipped on the stereo and turned the volume up loud—loud enough that I could feel the music vibrating up through the floorboards and into my bare feet—then flopped onto the couch. The Fly: the best band in the world.

  The phone rang behind me. I reached over my head and grabbed it. “Hello?” I said. “Hold on …” I ran to shut off th
e music; it was Stan.

  “Tell me the vicious rumor isn’t true.”

  My heart stopped. Had Alec freaked out on me and told people?

  “What are you talking about, Stan?”

  “That you’re not coming to my party tonight, what else?”

  “Oh, shit, that.”

  “Hey, what’s more important than my big event?”

  I laughed, relieved. “Nothing, believe me.”

  “All right, then, that’s what I like to hear. So we’ll see you tonight?”

  “No, no, you heard right. But believe me, staying home wasn’t my idea.” I filled him in on Coach Riley’s lecture, what she’d said about contracts and parties, how she’d benched me at the scrimmage.

  “Whoa. That’s harsh. You weren’t even driving the damn car.”

  “She’s freaked out about the scholarship thing.”

  “Damn, that sucks. Maybe we could smuggle you in, hide you somewhere. My attic’s pretty nice. A few bats, but they’ve never bitten anyone.”

  “It wouldn’t matter. Riley might not find me, but Alec would.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing,” I said. “Alec’s just …”

  “Alec’s just what?”

  I’d said too much; I felt it right away. If Alec heard I was bad-mouthing him, even a little, he might feel like getting even. And what right did I have to say anything about him after what I’d done?

  “He’s just being a jerk. But what’s new, right?” I said, lightly.

  “Christ, he almost killed you. Isn’t that enough?”

  It was weird how used to hearing that I was—from Stan, from Cassie—used to hearing everyone talk about Alec crashing the car. “He just wanted me to go with him tonight. No big deal. Alec doesn’t get it. Why would he? Your coach is nothing like Riley. A few extra push-ups and it’s over, right?”

  “Word is Alec’s dad took care of that. He’s buddies with Coach Swenson.”

  “See? It figures. Listen, I was just kidding about Alec. He’s fine. And I’m sorry I can’t come tonight, Stan. I really am.”

  “Well, my sources tell me a bunch of your sworn-to-sobriety teammates are going to show up, but I won’t give you a hard time.”

  “Thanks, Stan.”

  I hung up, walked through the kitchen, and stepped out onto the porch. A full moon had risen high over the tree line and hung suspended, shiny and pale. Its luminous glow backlit thin clouds, making them visible in the night sky. Cold air filled my lungs and goose bumps rose on the flesh of my bare arms.