by Melody Anne
“She can’t be there when your eyes are open,” he said quietly as he wiped away her tears.
“But she was there in the hospital when I opened my eyes. Then she was gone again,” Lily said.
A chill ran through Roxie at Lily’s statement. She hadn’t said anything about this in the two weeks she’d been in the hospital.
“Maybe she needed to give you love and tell you goodbye for a little while,” Sherman said.
“Is that mean man going to come back?” Lily asked so quietly Roxie nearly missed the words. This time it was a cold chill that traveled down her spine. She felt Kian’s body tense against hers.
“No, honey, we will all keep him away,” Sherman said, his voice still calm, but Roxie could hear the fury running through him, as it was through all of them.
“Okay,” Lily said as she snuggled trustingly closer to Sherman. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“And you won’t be,” he promised.
Both of them were silent as the tears slowly stopped dripping from Lily’s eyes. She looked over Sherman’s shoulder and spotted Roxie and gave her the sweetest smile; Roxie’s knees grew weak again.
“Auntie,” she said, almost on a sigh.
Kian released her so she could step up to Sherman and gratefully take Lily back into her arms. Lily smiled at her as she lifted her tiny hand up and cupped Roxie’s cheek.
“I love you so much,” Roxie told her.
“Love you,” Lily said before leaning forward and kissing Roxie’s cheek.
Roxie looked at Kian, whose face was full of pain as he gazed at Lily. Fear and protectiveness filled Roxie. She couldn’t let Kian take Lily away. They needed each other too much.
“I want to go home,” Roxie said.
“Okay,” Kian said.
The four of them walked silently from the graveyard, and Roxie then thanked Sherman before climbing into Kian’s truck and allowing him to take her and Lily home. It wasn’t far, so she sat in the back and held on tightly to Lily, unable to let her go right now.
Kian walked her up to the door, and she knew he wanted to come in, but she couldn’t take anything else on this day.
“I need you to go now because I can’t discuss anything, Kian. Please give me more time?” she begged.
“How much more?” he asked. It wasn’t easy for Kian to take a vague answer. That much hadn’t changed in the years she’d been without him.
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
There was frustration in his eyes, but she had to give him a small amount of credit for the step he took backward, for the space he was allowing her.
“Goodbye for now, Roxie,” he said. His eyes dipped down momentarily to look at her lips, but he jerked his gaze away and said nothing else as he turned and walked away.
Roxie was so confused, she wasn’t sure if she was happy about that or not. It didn’t matter what she felt; she knew she’d made the right decision. She needed space and time. She might never be able to find enough of either.
Chapter Nine
One Month Later
As Roxie stood in the small house her sister had so lovingly decorated, had made into a real home, she had a difficult time not expecting Pamela to walk through those doors, her signature smile lighting her beautiful face.
It was so much easier for Roxie to picture her sister when she was young, when neither of them had known how harsh the real world could truly be. Those days, they hadn’t been worried, hadn’t been burdened by the bad choices they’d one day make. That was how she wanted to remember her sister.
Pamela had grown up and led a difficult life, and things had just begun to go a little bit better for her, only to be so prematurely snatched away in a moment that still didn’t have a resolution. Maybe that was why Roxie didn’t feel as if her sister was truly gone; maybe it was because she hadn’t been able to lay her memory to rest.
Returning home to the city of Edmonds, Washington, hadn’t been easy for Roxie, especially with her past and all the memories flooding back, and she didn’t even want to think about her first night back and her time with Kian. She shuddered as she thought about what she’d run away from four years earlier, and what she’d so easily fallen back into. But that had been one mistake out of many, and she refused to allow herself to dwell on the past, even if it had already bitten her once since her return.
She couldn’t focus on all she’d done wrong. She had her niece to take care of, and though she wanted to fall apart every second of every day, she couldn’t allow herself that luxury.
The trip home to move out of her apartment had been pathetically easy. Though she’d had to give up her job, it hadn’t been difficult, and, sadly, she hadn’t had anyone to say goodbye to. Even after living in the bustling city of Portland for four years, she’d never taken the time to make lasting friendships.
So, she was in Edmonds, in her sister’s place, a small two-bedroom house in a quaint neighborhood, with her few possessions still in boxes. What she should do was place those boxes back into her car and drive away, start somewhere fresh, somewhere away from the memories, away from Kian Forbes.
As soon as she had the thought, she dismissed it. It was no longer just herself she had to take care of. Now she had the responsibility of raising Lily, who was beautiful and kind, and who had asked about her mother often in those first couple of weeks. Sadly, her niece was already forgetting her mother, was already attached to Roxie, even though, much to Roxie’s shame, she hadn’t spent time with her niece since her birth. They’d practically been strangers to each other before now.
Kian was most definitely putting pressure on Roxie to communicate more, but he wasn’t being cruel. In reality, it was more likely that he was letting out the fishing line, and soon—much sooner than she was ready for—he’d begin reeling it back in. She was so afraid of what he was going to do next that she chose instead to live in denial and hide her head in the sand. She’d managed to avoid him and the attorney who’d been calling.
People said ignorance was bliss, and she believed them. If she pretended there wasn’t a problem, then there wasn’t, right? Well, obviously, that wasn’t the case, as her time was running out already.
At least she had a few positives going for her. Thankfully, the house she was living in was paid off. It was the only possession her sister truly owned, and that was only because it had been passed down to her from their father. Technically, the place was in Roxie’s name as well, but she hadn’t hesitated to let her sister have it. Once Roxie had made the decision to move away from Edmonds, she hadn’t looked back.
Now, she didn’t want to leave the place and head to the attorney’s office. This was it; this was where she’d find out if she had a battle ahead of her she had no chance of winning. She hung her head as she grabbed hold of Lily’s hand and walked from the safety of their home.
She couldn’t help but appreciate the town of Edmonds as she made her way through it. Though Edmonds was only about fifteen miles from the bustling chaos of Seattle, a person really wouldn’t know that when they stepped back in time to the historic town.
This was a place where people still helped their neighbors and still smiled and waved at strangers. It was a place you had true relationships with people and where you called the family attorney uncle instead of sir. It was a place she’d run from quickly, and if she wasn’t so guarded, she might admit she had regrets about doing that.
When Roxie arrived at the attorney’s office, she stopped at the front door and wiped away the sweat springing up on her palm as she clutched Lily’s hand with her other. Her young niece clung to her, as she often did these days, and she looked up at Roxie with a hesitant smile on her sweet pink lips.
Roxie had pored through her sister’s photo albums, and there wasn’t a single picture in them where Lily wasn’t smiling with pure mischief in her eyes, even when she was an infant. To see her so much more subdued than what those images revealed was another heartbreaking realization for Roxie. She was dete
rmined to see that same light shine again in her niece’s eyes, and to see it sooner rather than later.
As Roxie opened the door, Lily scooted a little closer to her. Soon only her short brown curls could be seen as she peeked out from behind the safety of Roxie’s body. This made Roxie’s eyes sting as she fought the need to cry again.
Lily’s life would never be the same again, and even if it did make Roxie a bit uncomfortable being back home, her niece had been through enough, and Roxie could bite the bullet and make a sacrifice for the sake of this precious child.
“We’re just fine, Lily Bear, I promise,” Roxie said as she bent down. “We’re just visiting with Uncle Sal.”
Lily nodded bravely, but she didn’t say anything as Roxie stood up and moved into the brightly lit hometown office. Before she managed to shut the door, a surprised gasp emerged from in front of the two of them, causing Lily to cling desperately to Roxie’s legs as they both gazed ahead.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” a woman cried, her lips turned up in a beaming smile, her eyes practically sparkling.
If Roxie thought she’d be able to do this meeting without any fanfare and then slip back to her small place and think some more about running away, that thought had just been brutally pushed from her mind.
Standing in front of her wearing a surprised-but-delighted smile was her former best friend, Eden Skultz. They’d been through thick and thin together all through their school years, and Eden had been one of the people Roxie had left behind. Guilt instantly filled her as she gazed at the woman who had been by her side for all the important events in her life.
“Hi, Eden,” Roxie said with a fake smile in place. “It’s great to see you. I’d forgotten you worked here,” she added far too lamely.
“Well, you’ve been gone a long time, so I can see the memory lapse,” Eden said with only the smallest hint of betrayal in her voice. She paused for only a moment before she rounded the desk she’d stood up from and came over to throw her arms around Roxie in a crushing embrace.
“Yeah, it’s been a few years,” Roxie said. She was perfectly aware of exactly how long it had been since she’d run away from this town, run away from Kian Forbes, but she didn’t need to say that out loud.
Finally, Eden let her go, but took her arm and walked with her to the sitting area, where coffee and snacks were laid out.
“I’m here for a meeting, but I don’t want to interrupt you,” Roxie said with a slight smile. She really just didn’t want the two of them to get into a discussion about the good old days, because she feared that would hurt too much.
“You know it’s always been relaxed here, and the two of us can definitely visit before you see the old man,” Eden countered as she took a seat and invited Roxie to do the same. Roxie didn’t have much of a choice without seeming rude. It was odd to have such thoughts around someone she’d once been so comfortable with.
“You’re looking great,” Roxie said, noting that her friend hadn’t changed at all in the years they’d been apart.
Eden laughed. “I’m a single woman. I have to at least try to maintain some semblance of my youth,” she said as she picked up an orange and began to peel it. “But you’re the one who’s been gone. I want to hear all about you since you’ve left our small town to travel the world.”
Roxie cringed. This was the type of question she’d expected from her small-town friends, but it wasn’t something she’d been looking forward to. It wasn’t as if she could tell them she’d gone out and conquered the world. For one thing, she’d been running away, not running toward something. For another, she’d accomplished a big fat zero. That wasn’t something someone wanted to admit to.
Before Roxie was able to say anything, Eden zeroed in on Lily, who was clinging to her leg. The child was so quiet, she would be easy to overlook at this point.
“Well, looks like at least one thing has changed in your life,” Eden said, making an assumption about Lily. This would be the hardest part that Roxie had to play in her new role in life, especially since she wasn’t sure what she could say.
Lily looked bored, and though Roxie had been playing the parent role for only about a month, she already knew that look meant trouble. She quickly dug into her oversize purse for the small figurines and handed them to her niece, who gratefully took them, instantly absorbed. Roxie let out a relieved breath.
“I have to admit, I’m a little jealous of how amazing you look,” Eden said with another warm smile, contradicting her words. “You haven’t changed a bit.”
“I . . . um . . .” Roxie trailed off.
“And now you’re a mom,” Eden said, sadness in her eyes, though the words should be spoken in joy.
“Not really. I’m just trying to not screw things up,” Roxie admitted.
“You won’t,” Eden assured her. “I’m really sorry about the loss of your sister.”
The words nearly ripped Roxie’s heart from her chest. Of course, everyone would know about her sister, and know Roxie had Lily. Roxie wondered if they also knew about Kian’s role as her father. To even think about that gave Roxie an instant headache.
“Thank you,” Roxie finally said, not knowing what else she could add.
“We won’t dwell on that,” Eden assured her. “Tell me instead about your life. Are you married?”
So much had changed in the past few years that though it might appear on the outside that Roxie hadn’t grown much, she knew very well that she was a new person. She wasn’t as naive as she’d once been—that was for sure. Her looks might have matured the slightest bit since she was now a respectable twenty-six years old, but she had aged what felt like ten years on the inside.
She’d certainly matured in other ways—emotionally and physically. But maybe those were things that were so much more obvious to her than to an outsider. She cringed a little when thinking of Eden as an outsider. This was her best friend—or at least she’d once been her best friend, and now Roxie didn’t know her at all. She didn’t know anyone from her past anymore.
She really thought of her life in two parts. Her time in Edmonds, which was most of her life, and her time away, which was about four years. Though the time away was far shorter than her time growing up, the past four years were truly what had shaped her. She’d been little more than a girl when she’d left. She had no doubt she was now a woman, though she still didn’t know exactly who she was.
Was it sad that she had come back around in a seemingly endless circle? She was back where she’d begun, but she’d made no true progress in life. And now she was jobless, low on money, and responsible for her niece, whose life could forever be changed by any decisions Roxie made. That was a responsibility she didn’t want to take credit for.
Finally, Roxie thought about Eden’s comment about a husband. Though Roxie wasn’t wearing a ring, that didn’t seem to matter nowadays. She could see how people would assume she was in a happy little unit—husband, check, child, check, white-picket-fence home, check. If only life could be wrapped up so neatly with a pretty red bow on top.
But Roxie hadn’t managed to sustain a relationship, not since leaving Kian four years earlier. It truly wasn’t fair to the opposite sex when a woman dated a man like him first. No one seemed to compare. She’d make it on first dates, but then never could go back for a second, even when she berated herself, trying to make herself go. She always found an excuse and got out of it. That was her life now, it seemed.
Lily shifted in her seat and looked up at Roxie as if she was drawing from her uncertainty and nervousness. The child was bound to grow up neurotic having Roxie as her main caregiver. Roxie had the sudden urge to beg for forgiveness as she clung tightly to her niece. She somehow managed not to do just that. Eden was waiting patiently as Roxie wrestled with all these thoughts. It felt like hours, but only seconds had passed.
“I’m not married,” Roxie said with a fake smile.
“Looks like neither of us has changed much,” Eden said with a somewh
at false laugh.
“I don’t know whether that’s good or bad,” Roxie said. She laughed, but even to herself, the sound came out hollow. “But I do know that Lily and I are now facing the world together, so that’s one thing that’s different.”
Sympathy instantly flashed across Eden’s face, and Roxie cringed. She didn’t want sympathy. She just wanted to go back to some semblance of normalcy in her life, whether that was possible or not.
“You always were stronger than you thought,” Eden said.
“I’m glad someone thinks that,” Roxie said, this time with a real smile. “I did fail my sister, though, and that doesn’t show any strength at all. I just have to live with the guilt of that knowledge, and I have to try to be a better aunt than I was a sister, for not being there for her while she was falling apart. Maybe if I had been there, this situation never would have happened.”
She finished off with her smile fading away. She somehow felt bad when she did feel a moment of joy. Was it okay to feel good when her sister never could experience life again? She didn’t think so.
“You can’t blame yourself for someone else’s actions,” Eden quickly assured her. It wasn’t taking Roxie long to remember why she had loved this person for so many years. “And it’s certainly not selfish to strive for your own dreams. It wasn’t as if you were doing it at someone else’s expense.” There was more passion in Eden’s voice as she finished her words.
“You were always that friend that made me feel better about myself at the end of a conversation,” Roxie said. “I can’t believe I ever forgot that.”
“Things got rough for you in your last months here. I understand,” Eden said. The warmth in the woman’s eyes made Roxie glad she was sitting. She didn’t understand how forgiving Eden was acting toward her, considering how easily Roxie had walked away.
“I’m sorry I left the way I did,” Roxie said.
“You had to do what you had to do. But you’re home now. Is it permanent?” With those words, Roxie could see Eden had a little bit of her own guard up. She was still being more open than Roxie had the right to expect, though.
