All I Want for Christmas is Big Blue Eyes

by Claire Ashgrove

  Lucas let out a low whistle. “You didn’t tell him that did you?”

  “Not exactly.”

  His foot thudded against the floor as he leaned forward. Setting his elbows on the table, he lifted his eyebrows. “Not exactly?”

  As Amanda squirmed in her seat, Lucas swallowed down a burst of misplaced laughter. He waited. Whatever she’d said to Josh, he’d have loved to been a fly on the wall and see Josh’s reaction. Confident Josh, who always got his way, denied by the one woman who could ever really love him—priceless.

  “I told him until he figured out I wasn’t his mom and could find the courage to love me, what he had right now was all he was getting.”

  Lucas’ eyes widened to twice their normal size. Telling Josh no was one thing. Asking for marriage, something else. But tossing the issue of his mother’s infidelity in his face was entirely a different matter. “Did he come unglued?”

  Her expression turned thoughtful as she shook her head again. “That’s the strange part, Luc. He told me he’d stay here until I changed my mind.”

  “Damn it, ‘Manda, haven’t you been preachin’ at me all these years that he does love you?”

  “Well…yes. But I want him to realize it.”

  “Why is it so all-fire important right now? Don’t you think he will if you’re livin’ together?”

  “Yes,” she answered, turning her mug in small, slow circles.

  “So what’s the big deal? Why are you torturin’ yourself? An’ prob’ly him?”

  “I thought you wanted me to forget him?” she shot back.

  “I just want you happy. With, or without him. Seems to me though, if he’s offerin’, you aren’t working on the happy part.”

  Amanda let out a deep sigh and fell back against her chair. “I don’t want him to save me, Luc. If I go now, I have to tell him about the money issues here. About Sandra trying to steal Emma’s property for her new strip mall. About the flower shop not cutting it. I don’t want him to bail me out. I want to fix things for myself, or I won’t ever be able to believe he didn’t think I leapt at the chance because he’s got money.”

  “That’s the stupidest damn thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth, ‘Manda Masterson. Josh wouldn’t hesitate to pay off your debts, and he’d never think twice about it. Christ, how many times did he go pick up a second job to pay off a speedin’ ticket of yours?”

  Her deep blush said he’d gotten his point across. But in the back of his mind, Lucas knew it wouldn’t change anything. He’d offered on more than one occasion to help her out financially. Each time, she shut him down before he could even finish the sentence. This financial mess she was in, she blamed herself for, and there was nothing Lucas could do to get her to understand she wasn’t at fault. As frustrating as it was to watch her struggle, he respected her for it. Right now, however, he wished she’d take a good long look at things before she said something that made Josh disappear forever.

  “Yes, but…”

  The sound of the front door opening cut off whatever it was Amanda intended to say. Giving her one last frown, Lucas rose to his feet and left the kitchen.

  As he rounded the corner, Emma’s voice rang out, “Prince Josh!”

  ****

  Josh dropped his solitary bag on the floor and stretched out his arms to Emma with a wide grin.

  She let out a high-pitched squeal and launched herself at him.

  Laughing, he picked her up, spun her about, and then fastened her on his hip with a tug on her ponytail. “Hey, princess. Where’s your momma?”

  “In the kitchen,” Lucas answered as he stepped into the room. “Coffee’s on. You’ve got about fifteen minutes before she kicks us out and turns the kitchen into chaos that resembles somethin’ off the Food Network.”

  Humor glinted in Lucas’ eyes, a drastic change from his curt and abrasive behavior last night. Josh acknowledged him with a cordial nod, glad to see his best friend back in good spirits. Brooding Lucas was entirely too uncomfortable to spend an entire evening around.

  Josh picked Emma off his side, swinging her high up in the air. Her bright laughter went straight to his heart and filtered unusual warmth through him. Yes, indeed, it wouldn’t be half-bad to have another one of these little munchkins running around. This kind of gaiety would go a long way to making mornings he had to meet with developers and other clients far more enjoyable.

  With a quick, impulsive peck to her cheek, he passed her to Lucas. “Be right back.”

  Time to see Amanda. He’d changed his mind about showering here, choosing instead to clean up before he got back, just so he could have a little more time to consider the things she’d said. To process the feelings that were churning around in his gut. He hadn’t resolved anything. But he had developed a crazy longing to get back here fast.

  Lucas accepted Emma with a knowing smirk.

  Feigning innocence, Josh wandered toward the kitchen and paused in the doorway to watch her work.

  Her back to him, she stood at the counter, dressed now in a comfortable pair of black sweat pants and a form-fitting white t-shirt. Barefoot, she rubbed the top of one foot against the opposite heel as she hastily chopped at something on her cutting board. He caught the briefest glimpse of bright pink polish on those sexy toes before she set her foot back down.

  Simple elegance. And he was luckier than a leprechaun.

  Chuckling to himself, he summoned humor to push aside the uncomfortable swell in his chest. “Honey, I’m home,” he called in a low, exaggerated voice.

  Only, what he’d intended as a jest sounded a bit too right for his ears. Home. A man could get used to coming home to this.

  She looked over her shoulder, giving him the most exquisite view of a raw carrot dangling from her mouth. With a flirty wink, she waved her free hand, beckoning him closer.

  He moved to her, embracing her from behind as he had this morning and kissed her shoulder. “Whatcha making?”

  “Cornish hens, roasted garlic potatoes, and chocolate pudding.”

  Josh blinked. Olivia handled dinner in their house. But he was used to dinner in a box, frozen pizza, take-out. Evidently, Lucas wasn’t kidding about the Food Network.

  Amanda set her knife down, spun around, and looped her arms around his neck. Lifting to tiptoe, she gave him a soft, sweet kiss. A hint of lemon lingered on his lips when she leaned back to look up at him.

  Rubbing the tip of his nose against hers, he asked, “If I build you a brand new kitchen with all the best gadgets, will you come home with me?”

  Light laughter danced around him. “Nope. Love, Josh. That’s all I want.”

  Damn. She wasn’t going to sway easily.

  She gave him a playful bat to the shoulder. “Shoo. Go entertain Emma and Lucas.”

  “You used to let me stay in the kitchen with you.” He stuck his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout.

  “Things have changed, darling.”

  Although humor laced her voice, he couldn’t help but wonder whether that statement had a dual meaning. Things had changed, indeed. Now Amanda wanted something he couldn’t provide.

  Fourteen

  Josh trailed his fingers over Amanda’s shoulder, breathing in the faint aroma of her subtle, flowery perfume. The suntan variety was more enticing, but this scent was all her. It was the same light aroma that had tickled his nose the first night he took her to a movie, that seeped into his clothes on prom night, and that haunted his memories.

  With her feet tucked up beneath her, she reclined into his side, mimicking the motion of his fingers with hers, atop his thigh. The television droned on with the last of Miracle on 34th Street—Amanda’s choice after Lucas excused himself for the night. At Josh’s opposite side, Emma had her head in his lap, fast asleep.

  He watched the black and white screen, but his mind wandered. Dinner had been excellent, offering him the first glimpse of what it would really be like to have Emma and Amanda as a
permanent part of his life. What he discovered, rattled him. It surpassed his little vision of quaint and comfortable, surprisingly bordering on something he now craved. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was that reached in and grabbed him so fiercely he thought he’d been turned inside out, and that bothered him more than he wanted to admit.

  These sidetracking fantasies were going to drive him mad if he didn’t find a way to stop them from dropping out of nowhere and crashing into his mind. To stop them, he had to discover what prompted them. And as far as he could recall, what prompted tonight’s was Amanda’s simple question as to whether he would pass the damn potatoes.

  That innocent request flashed a vision in his mind of what his house would look like with a Christmas tree twinkling in the background, a ham on the table, and kissing Amanda beneath the mistletoe while Emma ripped into a large, red and green striped package.

  Absurd.

  The credits rolled on the screen, and Amanda shifted, tipping her head up to look at him. “You aren’t here,” she observed in a near whisper.

  Shaking his head with a chuckle, he smiled down at her. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking about Christmas. What does Emma want?”

  “We’ll wake her up if we talk. Let me take her up to bed.” She sat forward and scooted to the edge of the couch.

  “I’ll do it. She’s already in her nightgown, I can tuck her in.” He paused, then hurried to add, “Unless you want to, that is.”

  With a grin, Amanda laughed softly. “Go ahead. I’m sure she’d rather have Prince Josh tuck her in than boring old Mom.”

  Josh rolled his eyes. He rumpled Amanda’s hair as he stood. Bending down, he scooped the sleeping little girl into his arms. When she let out a soft sigh and set her tiny hand against his chest, he swallowed hard. She was so little, so sweet and innocent, and in twenty-four hours, she had him wrapped around her pinkie finger. There wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for her.

  He carried her up the stairs and laid her gently in her bed. As he pulled the covers over her, he kissed her cheek. Turning around, he found Amanda leaning against the doorframe, watching him with a look full of heart-stopping tenderness. Josh’s smile faltered, the power of those expressive blue eyes overwhelming.

  She held out her hand, reaching for his.

  Twining his fingers with hers, he followed her into the bedroom where she flipped on the small television on her dresser. The volume was too low to merit watching, and so he watched her instead, taking in every inch of her petite body as she rummaged through her dresser drawer.

  She had the most delectable, heart-shaped ass. Always had. In fact, it had been that cute little hind end that he’d noticed first, one afternoon when the cheerleading squad and the varsity team were practicing on the field. She’d touched her toes in some acrobatic move, and from his vantage point looked like she bent in half. Straight up in the air, light blue skirt brushing the top of her thighs, it sucked him in.

  Just like it did now as she wriggled out of her sweatpants and pulled on a pair of comfortable, lightweight, pajama pants. Contrary to what anyone might think of her at first glance, in the bedroom, she’d never been one for frills. She chose comfort above all things.

  “Amanda?” he asked as the past rose up to grab him.

  “Hm?”

  “How come your mom stopped grounding you when she caught me in your bed every Sunday morning?” It was the silliest question, completely unrelated to anything important. But seeing those cotton pajamas made him realize he’d had an intimate knowledge of her that no one else their age had with any of their girlfriends at the time.

  Crawling onto the bed, Amanda poised over him on all fours and gave the tip of his nose a playful nip. “Do you want the answer you’ll like, or the one you won’t?”

  He fastened his hands at her waist with a chuckle. “Both.”

  “Mom wasn’t stupid. She knew we were sleeping together.” She sat down on his lap and slipped a hand beneath his heavy sweatshirt, tracing her nails over his belly as she talked. “She knew forbidding it would only make us sneak off. So she decided she’d rather know where I was than sit up late at night worrying.”

  There wasn’t anything to dislike about that explanation. Sound judgment as far as he was concerned. “And the other reason?”

  Amanda smiled a sad little smile, and her expression softened. “Mom loved you to pieces. She always wanted to see us married before she died. Expected it. To her, we were as good as engaged, so it was okay.”

  Nope. He didn’t like that one little bit. Back to the subject of marriage. He groaned inwardly. “Boy, that topic keeps coming up from every direction. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that word so many times in one day.”

  “It’s not something you can get away from. People do it every day, you know. They celebrate it too.” She smirked as she scooted off him and wandered into the attached bathroom.

  Reclining against the pillows, Josh folded his arms behind his head. “I don’t see how one little piece of paper can mean so much. I mean, if that’s the case, I could write down on a notepad that I intend on never leaving you. That holds as much weight as vows people speak that they don’t mean.”

  “Who says they don’t mean them?” she called from behind the partly open door.

  “Oh c’mon, honey. Everyone I know who got married, got divorced because someone cheated. Except you. But case in point, look at what happened to yours.”

  His tone was calm, not accusatory. And when she stormed out of the bathroom furious, for the life of him, he didn’t know what he’d said to set her off.

  “You happened to my marriage, Josh! I was in love with you! Tyler left the house that night because we had a fight over you.”

  The air rushed out of his lungs. Son of a bitch. He opened his mouth to say something, but words wouldn’t come. What was he supposed to say to that?

  Amanda’s fury drained away before he could find an appropriate response. With a heavy sigh, she dropped down on the edge of the bed. “He finally figured it all out one night. Realized there was nothing he could do to carve you out of my heart. We were already planning on getting a divorce. But that night, he was being a prick. He was pissed off that I hadn’t cleaned the house, and I made a smart remark about how you wouldn’t have asked me to. He stormed out to his car.”

  Josh leaned forward and gathered her close, smoothing the back of her hair. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know.”

  “You couldn’t know. You weren’t here.”

  There wasn’t an ounce of accusation in her voice, but Josh winced anyway. If he’d been here, she wouldn’t have gone through that. She also wouldn’t have Emma, but that was irrelevant at the moment. The dawning of just what he’d missed, exactly how his leaving affected her, settled around Josh heavily.

  He had a hell of a lot of making up to do.

  “Tell me what Emma wants for Christmas?” He’d start there. He had four days until Christmas, and he’d do whatever it took to make this one unforgettable for Amanda and Emma.

  Amanda twisted out of his embrace, returning to the bathroom once more. “A pony. With black spots.”

  “Where in the world is she going to put a pony?”

  “Tyler left her some land. We’ve got cows out there right now, waiting for the calves to grow up enough to sell.”

  A pony. That was simple enough. “Why don’t we go look for one tomorrow?”

  The water came on. Just as quickly, it shut off. “I have to work at the shop tomorrow. Besides, I don’t know how much longer we’ll own that land. I’m behind on the taxes.”

  Josh squinted at the door. Amanda behind in bills? Completely not like her. She was meticulous to a fault about expenses and budgeting. It used to drive her crazy when she’d get a speeding ticket and she couldn’t manage the extra expense. He’d picked up a few part-time jobs to help her out just so she wouldn’t worry herself to death.

  “How far behind?” he asked
cautiously. This could be a powder-keg subject if he wasn’t careful.

  “Enough.”

  Sliding off the bed, he went to the bathroom and nudged the door open with his toe. Bent over the sink, she brushed her teeth with vigor and lifted her eyes to look at him through the mirror.

  “How much do you need, Amanda?”

  “Too much to accept from anyone,” she answered through her toothpaste.

  He took a deep breath, counted to ten, and let it out slowly. When the little flicker of annoyance faded, he lowered his voice to an intimate level. “Let me take care of you, honey.”

  She smiled as she stood up. But instead of accepting his offer, she merely pecked his cheek as she ducked around him and quipped, “Fall in love with me, Josh, and you’ve got eternity to do just that.”

  ****

  Josh’s eyes snapped open, staring into the dark. His heart drummed fiercely against his ribs, and he struggled to breathe. He turned his head, checking for Amanda, and relaxed when he found her sound asleep. It was just a dream. She hadn’t disappeared.

  He rolled onto his side and slid his hand over her ribs, taking comfort in the contact. As he closed his eyes again, hoping to drift back off to sleep, the nightmare came back. She was gone, and no matter who he called, no one knew where she was. She’d taken Emma with her too.

  A childish fear. Yet undeniably real.

  Edging out of the bed, he stopped at the dresser to pick up his cell phone before he wandered downstairs. He needed advice. Needed to talk to someone, even if it was well after midnight. Olivia was the only person he knew who would be up at this hour. She was almost nocturnal anymore.

  Downstairs, he sank into the sofa and dialed by the light of the multi-colored tree.

  She answered on the third ring. “Hello?”

  “It’s me.”

  “Josh? Is everything okay?” Something thumped in the background, followed by the sound of breaking glass.