They found places, the men pretending to jostle for the best seats but ending up beside their wives.
“And now let’s pray,” Menno said when the room had grown still. They bowed their heads as Menno led out. Donald listened to the German words, understanding only a few. It was an honor though, he thought. They were including him as if he were one of them. A prayer in English would have made him feel like a stranger.
“Thank You, Lord,” Donald whispered, “for bringing Charles and me among these wonderful people.”
The day passed with long conversations and much food. Donald and Charles spent the night again, and early Friday morning said their goodbyes. Even young Charles seemed reluctant to leave. He did manage to give Mamm a kiss on the cheek with a sincere “thank you.” He shook hands with Menno, and said, “It’s good to have met you, sir.”
Menno tousled his hair. “You behave now, son.”
Charles grinned.
As the car pulled away, Mamm said, “Da Hah brings happiness out of sorrow…and even out of our own sins.”
“Yah, He does,” Menno said. “He surely does.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
The half-moon hung low in the sky as the buggy drove home from the Sunday night hymn singing. Steve allowed the horse to take his time, the lines hanging loose over the storm front. Susan was leaning out of the buggy door to look at the broad sweep of stars overhead.
“They look so peaceful,” she said. “So settled. Like they don’t have a trouble in the world.”
“They’re nice tonight, aren’t they?” Steve pushed his hat back on his head to look out the other side of the buggy.
“Like the hymn sing was,” Susan said. “I thought everyone was extra happy tonight.”
“I know I’m happy tonight.”
“You should be. You’re driving home with me!” Susan said with a laugh.
He joined in but didn’t say anything.
“I’m glad you are.” Susan slipped her hand around his arm. “I’m glad so many things are behind us. Like Donald’s first holiday visit, and the hard things, such as Mamm and Daett’s bann. And Thomas too.”
“Forget Thomas. Another good thing to mention is your joining the baptismal class,” Steve added.
“But that wasn’t hard. Not like I thought it would be anyway.”
“How’s it going?”
Susan shrugged. “It’s going okay. I’m staying within the Ordnung, and Deacon Ray doesn’t bother people who are in the Ordnung.”
“I wasn’t talking about keeping the Ordnung. I know you do that. I was asking about joining the church.”
Susan waited a few moments before answering. “I think I’m okay. I haven’t had any doubts lately. Why? Are you trying to give me some?”
“No.” Steve laughed. “Of course not. I think you did really well during your mamm and daett’s hard time. That could easily have driven you back into the world.”
“Do you think that’s where I was…in the world….when I lived in Asbury Park?”
He stared at the lines, the silence long before he spoke. “It is the world, Susan. You know that. You could have been in great danger.”
“Of what, Steve?” She turned to face him, his outline faint in the light of the stars. Why did Steve have to bring up this subject tonight just when everything was looking so much better? She didn’t want to deal with the memories and ramifications of her time in the city. Asbury Park was over, and she intended to settle into the community for gut. Steve was a decent man and would make a decent husband if he asked her to marry him.
Steve reached over to take her hand. “Tell me about that time. You’ve never told me much.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything,” he said.
Susan drew in her breath. “Are you worried I did something I wasn’t supposed to? Like what Daett did?”
“No, I know you better than that.”
She took another deep breath. “Is this really necessary then?”
“I would like to know.” His fingers moved in her hand.
“Well,” she began, “I worked for Robby’s mom in their bakery. I lived in an apartment above the bakery. Basically I minded my own business. Eventually Teresa came into my life and took up a large part of my time from then on.”
“You’re an amazing girl, Susan. Have I told you that before? I’m glad you came back.”
She leaned against his shoulder and watched the stars outside the buggy.
“What else?” he asked in the silence.
“Okay…” Susan stayed where she was. “I’ll tell you what might be considered ‘the worst.’ I studied hard and passed a high school diploma equivalency test—what’s called a GED. And…” she hesitated. “And I got my driver’s license. In fact, it’s hidden in my dresser. I also dated an Englisha boy a few times.” She looked up at his face to see his reaction. Would he be satisfied now or rush over to Deacon Ray with this information? If he did, would she have to make a confession in front of the community to continue with the baptismal class? She did trust him. He wasn’t like that at all, she was sure. Still her hand trembled in his. When he didn’t say anything, she asked, “Do you think I sinned while in Asbury Park? Are you going to talk to Deacon Ray?”
“I love you, Susan. I wouldn’t do anything to bring trouble on you or your parents. It’s us that I’m concerned about.”
“So you don’t care that I got my GED and a driver’s license?”
“Perhaps, but not for why you think I do.”
“What do you think is the problem then?” She sat upright on the buggy seat.
He sighed. “It’s a matter of the heart, Susan. That’s the only thing that troubles me. You’re still looking back, remembering it as a good time and keep going back as an option, I’m afraid.”
She said nothing, not moving on the seat.
He studied her face until she looked over at him.
He took her hand again. “It’s not words that you need from me, Susan. Your heart has been betrayed by Thomas and by your daett. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. Yet even with such hurts, a heart must one day make a choice to go forward. Don’t look back, Susan. That’s not the direction to go.”
Susan found her voice. “So you think a driver’s license in my dresser drawer means I have the freedom to run away again? To go back to the Englisha world?”
“It’s what you think that matters. Why do you still have it, Susan?”
“Well,” she said, “it doesn’t mean a lot to me. I just keep it as a…well…a memory of something I accomplished, something unique for an Amish person.”
“You don’t have to prove anything with me.” He squeezed her hand. “But you’d better get rid of the thing.”
She sighed. “I will before too long.”
He was still looking at her. “This Englisha thing, why did you do it?”
“I think I wanted to accomplish something. Remember, this was right after the first breakup with Thomas. My heart was hurting, and it felt gut to get away and do something Thomas couldn’t do. And the Englisha people thought I was right to dump Thomas, unlike Mamm and Daett. I could be someone else out there. Someone who didn’t need Thomas. Someone who didn’t have to stay with a man who was unfaithful.”
“But you didn’t have to do that. You were already your own person. That’s what I like about you.”
“Yah, I see that now. But it’s hard to see when your heart is hurting.”
The Hostetler driveway became visible in the dim buggy light, and Steve turned in. He pulled to a stop at the hitching post. The two sat unmoving, silently staring out at the night.
“It’s still a lovely night.” Susan broke the silence first. “Even with all our troubles.”
“We don’t have any troubles,” he said. “At least I don’t when you are with me.”
She nestled against him. “You say such nice words, and I believe them. Isn’t that something?”
“You me
an trusting what I say even after Thomas proved that men could be fickle?”
She moved beside him. “Yah, but let’s not talk about him.”
They sat close to each other, listening to the soft night sounds buzzing in the field.
“Do you think we should go in?” she finally asked.
“I like it here,” he said.
“Mamm and Daett are going to wonder where we are.”
“They can look out the window and see the buggy.”
“Come in.” She took his arm. “I have ice cream and pecan pie inside. I’m sure you need strength for the ride home.”
He laughed. “I only live down the road.”
“All the more reason you can stay a while and eat.”
He climbed down and tied the horse to the hitching post.
Mamm had left a kerosene lamp burning in the living room, and Susan motioned for him to sit on the couch. She returned in minutes, carrying two plates of pecan pie with vanilla ice cream.
“I think I see lots of this kind of food ahead of me,” he said. “I think life will be gut indeed.”
“That’s all you’re here for? The food?”
He laughed, pulling her down to sit beside him. “You know better than that.”
She stared into his face, trying to keep breathing. The ice cream and pie were forgotten.
He reached for her face, his fingers touching her cheeks. His arm came around her shoulder and pulled her closer.
Was he going kiss her? Thomas, with all his boldness, had never been very bold about this. But Steve’s face above her seemed to hold no doubts. She found herself trembling.
“You’re beautiful.” He traced her lips with his finger.
She tried to speak but no words would come. He was much too close for that. She closed her eyes as his lips found hers. She slipped her fingers around the back of his neck, pulling him toward her. He held his shoulders firm, lingering only for a moment.
“You’re more than beautiful,” he whispered. “You’re gorgeous.”
“You shouldn’t say things like that.”
“Oh yah…” He laughed softly. “I should say lots of things like that.”
She gave up and nestled against him. “Eat. Your ice cream is melting.”
Reluctantly he ate the pie and ice cream. And then they talked…and talked…and talked until past midnight. Conversation about little and about nothing. Reuben’s delight in his new barn. The upcoming Christmas dinner. Donald’s happiness when he left with Charles after Thanksgiving. They made plans to attend Christmas breakfast in a few weeks at Steve’s parents’ place in Daviess County. Then, with that settled, Steve left a little before one o’clock. Susan walked out to the hitching post with him.
He kissed her goodnight before getting into the buggy. She stood in shocked silence and watched him drive away into the night. She had definitely never felt anything like that with Thomas.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
The last load of wash hung on the line, swinging in the brisk morning air. Susan burst into the kitchen through the washroom door, blowing on her hands. Steve had waved at her from the field behind the barn where he was driving the team of Belgians in front of the wagon. Thankfully the blush on her cheeks could be explained from working outside since daybreak or Mamm would be drawing conclusions that weren’t quite warranted—even with that good night kiss a few Sunday nights ago.
In that time, Susan’s respect for Steve had been rising. Wasn’t kissing supposed to make a woman respect a man less? she wondered. She’d felt that way when Thomas kissed her. But with Steve she hadn’t, though the real reason for respecting Steve more was likely related to the driver’s license issue.
He had mentioned nothing further, apparently being willing to give her time to work through the issue on her own. With the driver’s license still lying in her dresser drawer, Steve could get in trouble himself if Deacon Ray found out she had it and that Steve knew but chose to do nothing about it. The last few Sunday evenings with Steve had been quiet and nice. Not heart pounding, but gut enough.
“Is it warming up outside?” Mamm asked from where she was bent over the stove cooking.
“It should before long.” Susan blew on her hands again. “What shall I do next?”
“Well…” Mamm paused, her face warm from the heat of the stove. “There is all the upstairs to clean before Christmas, though we don’t have to do everything this week. But certainly by next.”
“What are you and Daett going to do for Christmas?”
“Well, with you going with Steve to Daviess County, and Betsy and Ada both having plans, Daett and I have been talking, and we thought we’d do something special this year. We want to have Deacon Ray and his family over for Christmas dinner, along with James and Teresa. This would do all of us good after the bann Menno and I went through.”
“You’re considering having Deacon Ray over? But, Mamm!” Susan stepped closer. “Isn’t it too soon? Maybe next year, but this just happened. How can you have him, of all people, here at the house during a celebration?”
Mamm sighed. “That’s the best time to do such things, Susan. Before the wounds have time to fester. Not that they are festering, but you know what I mean. Deacon Ray and Daett were close. And there’s no reason things can’t go back to what they once were. At least we want to do our part to reach out.”
“Then I’m glad Steve is taking me to see his parents.”
“For Steve to take you to see his parents, he must be getting serious.”
“I guess he might get serious, but only if his parents like me and don’t throw me out.”
“Susan!” Mamm said. “Don’t talk like that. They won’t throw you out. They will love you like Steve does. That’s why he’s taking you home. My guess is he’s never taken a girl home for Christmas.”
“He never even dated a girl before me, Mamm.”
“He never did?” Mamm raised her eyebrows. “He’s kind of old to just be starting, isn’t he?”
Susan winced. “Yah, it seems Steve had his standards set pretty high and never could find a girl who met them.”
“Then you should be honored,” Mamm said.
Susan looked out the window at the distant horses working in the field and the man who was holding the lines. “I don’t know, Mamm. I’m afraid it doesn’t quite work that way. I think Steve’s finally decided to go with his feelings instead of his head. And that would be dating me, the flawed one. The wild girl who raced around the Englisha world for a while.”
“Steve told you this. Just like that?” Mamm looked horrified.
“Not in those words, but he has thought them, I think. One thing is of comfort though. He does like me.”
“I’m sure he does,” Mamm agreed. “You have yourself all fahudled, Susan.”
“I don’t think I’m confused this time. I know Steve’s solid, steady, and in love with me. Maybe I’m flattered if not honored.”
“Susan…” Mamm took both of her hands. “I’ve seen the two of you together. Don’t doubt yourself. All those feelings are coming from Da Hah.”
Susan dropped her eyes. “I suppose so.”
“Then they are gut enough.” Mamm turned back to the stove. “Love is like a little seed that gets planted in the heart. It takes time, and rain, and pulling weeds. And lots of care for love to grow. All of our people are that way, remember? We don’t always have to see everything before we believe.”
“Do you think I’ll ever feel for Steve what I did for Thomas?”
Mamm came back to sit on a kitchen chair. “You’ve always been my dreamer, Susan. Daett even called you a young filly while you were visiting the Englisha world. Like a horse who loves to run in the wind. I didn’t like the idea then, but I knew he was right.”
“I suppose so,” Susan murmured.
Mamm went on. “You spent many years growing your feelings for Thomas, most of them apparently on your side of the fence. This time Steve already has the crop well underway on hi
s side. So let some of his seeds drift over. Don’t pull them out when they sprout. You don’t know how the ear of corn will look by what first comes out of the ground.”
Susan looked away. “I do have feelings for Steve, just not like I used to with Thomas.”
“You’ll be okay.” Mamm got to her feet.
Susan waited a few moments. “Will you and Daett be okay with Deacon Ray over Christmas?”
“Susan, Deacon Ray only did what needed doing. We can’t hold that against him. Bishop Henry and the other ministers also agreed, remember?”
“I think Deacon Ray could have done a lot to help out, and yet he chose not to.”
“We must not judge a man’s heart, Susan. Only our own. And you should ask Da Hah to help you forgive the man if you have this bitterness in your heart.”
“Yah, I know.”
After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Susan broke the stillness. “Should I start the upstairs cleaning?”
Mamm smiled. “That would be gut. And I will help when the bread is done.”
Susan gathered the cleaning supplies. Starting in the back bedroom, she began sweeping, making sure the corners of the rooms were clean. She pushed open the bedroom closet door. There she saw the old cedar chest, its varnished surface glowing in the early morning sunlight pouring through the window. She drew in her breath as memories flooded over her. Here she had come that long-ago day to put away the wedding dress, the drive to burn it strong as she smarted from Thomas’s betrayal. But she had overridden the urge, held back by Amish thriftiness. Even if Thomas never said the vows with her, someone else could use the dress. It had lain here all this time, forgotten. And now she was remembering on this cold morning. Was this a sign? Perhaps of Da Hah’s good pleasure? Susan lifted the lid on the chest, the hinges making no sound. She dug to the bottom, finding the dress by the feel of its soft fabric on her fingertips. Its dark-blue color shimmered in the sunlight when she held it up to the light.
“My wedding dress,” she whispered. “It’s still so beautiful.”
This was a dress that needed wearing in the spring, when the winter had made its first turn toward changing seasons. Her heart pounded at the thought. Would it happen for her? Had she found love again? Could she trust a man again? Or would she come out some Sunday night after the hymn singing and find Steve standing in the shadows talking with another girl? That would be too awful to bear. Her heart couldn’t live through that again. The dress slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor. It lay crumpled, the rays from the sun highlighting the dust motes moving around the cloth.
Where Love Grows Page 25
