“Susan—an Englisha driver’s license? And upstairs in your bedroom all this time? And you attending the baptismal class!”
Susan sat down abruptly. “How does anyone know about my driver’s license?”
“It doesn’t matter how anyone found it. What matters is that you have it.”
“It doesn’t mean anything, Mamm. I was just keeping it for the memory. Believe me, please. I’m staying here.”
“Does Steve know about it?” Mamm was looking at her sternly.
Susan’s mind raced. Was she going to get Steve in trouble? Yes, she might, yet she couldn’t lie.
“I see,” Mamm said, reading the answer in Susan’s face. “So the two of you have been in this secret together?”
“No, Mamm.” Susan leaped to her feet. “Steve has nothing to do with this. He dug the information out of me, but he’s been nice by not saying anything. He understands I need time to heal. To get over Thomas’s betrayal…and everything else that has caused such trouble.”
“And you think keeping an Englisha driver’s license upstairs is okay? How is that helping you get over anything? It’s more like an escape door in case things get rough. Something you can always fall back on if you need to or want to.”
“You think that’s the reason I’ve kept it? I can’t believe you would think such a thing of me. I’ve never been more settled in the community than I am right now.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.” Mamm sighed. “It’s what Deacon Ray thinks, and I’m sure he knows by now.”
“You told him?”
“Your Mamm didn’t tell anyone anything,” Daett’s voice said behind her. “Teresa found the license when she went up to change into one of your dresses because Samuel threw up all over hers. Deacon Ray’s daughter, Rachel, went upstairs with her to help. She saw the driver’s license.”
“Teresa knew it was there,” Susan said, the kitchen walls swimming in front of her eyes. “What did she do, wave it around for all to see?”
“Teresa did nothing of the sort,” Mamm said. “She didn’t tell me until Deacon Ray’s family left around eight. The girl understands me. She knew it would have been difficult for me to make it through the day knowing what had happened. And I’m not sure she would have told me about finding it if Rachel hadn’t seen it.”
Daett was shaking his head. “You’re not blaming others for this problem, are you, Susan? Teresa didn’t go looking for the license. She didn’t bring it downstairs and thrust it in anyone’s face.”
“It dropped to the floor as she pulled out the dress,” Mamm said. “It was hidden in your clothing, I guess. Rachel picked it up. That wasn’t Teresa’s fault. You shouldn’t hide things in the first place. You know sin always comes to light, Susan.”
“So what am I to do now?” Susan buried her face in her hands as her tears flowed.
“You can start by burning the license,” Mamm said. “And then by taking a trip over to Deacon Ray’s place to confess.”
“The sooner you do that the better, Susan,” Daett agreed. “It’s time you make your choice about staying or going once and for all.”
“Not like this.” Susan groaned. “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Steve and I were working our way through this. Why does someone else have to interfere? Why does it have to be such a big deal?”
“We’re a community,” Daett reminded her. “We’re not people who live alone. What one person does affects us all. You should never try to work through these things by yourself. It doesn’t work.”
“Go get the license, Susan,” Mamm ordered. “There’s no use waiting around. I have the stove hot.”
“You weren’t preparing breakfast?” Susan stared at the bare stove.
“I was trying,” Mamm said. “But my heart was too torn. How could you put us through this, Susan? And right after we are healing from our own wound?”
“I’m sorry.” Susan rose. “I’ll go get it.”
Susan took the kerosene lamp with her, its light dancing off the narrow walls of the stairway. Tears stung her eyes. Now would be the time to make a stand, to refuse to turn over the license and face the consequences. She would have to leave home…and leave Steve too. She walked to her bedroom window and looked out over the dark fields where the dawn was breaking in the sky.
Fiery colors of red and orange hung low on the horizon. There was a storm coming in the next day or so, but inside the house it was already here. Did she want to leave all of this again? Mamm and Daett, the home place, Steve? This time there would be no easy return. And no Teresa to bring her home.
Sobbing, she walked over to the dresser drawer and pulled out the driver’s license. Holding the piece of plastic up to the light, her photo stared back at her. A memory of all she’d accomplished and what she’d been through. But there was too much to lose here. Even the painful trip to Deacon Ray’s was worth choosing to stay. Had not Mamm and Daett gone through much worse?
With the lamp in hand, Susan returned to the kitchen. Mamm took the license, opened the stove lid, and dropped the piece of plastic inside. It curled on the edges and shriveled until it was a small mound of goo. The flames leaped up, and it disappeared.
“There!” Mamm said. “That’s done. Now for the trip to see Deacon Ray.”
“I’m going to ask Steve to go with me,” Susan decided as the tears stung her eyes.
“I think I’d better go with you,” Mamm said. “Deacon Ray might listen to an older voice of reason.”
“First, we will eat breakfast and pray,” Daett said. “After that I think it’s Susan’s choice. She will know what is best.”
“But, Menno,” Mamm protested.
Daett laid his hand on Mamm’s shoulder. “We have already interfered enough for one morning. Susan will find the right road.”
A sob shook Susan as Mamm hung her head. “I’m sure you know best, Menno. I’ll fix breakfast then.”
“Thanks, Daett,” Susan said as she wrapped her arms around her father’s neck.
“Now, now,” he said. “Your mamm loves you too. She’s just worried and wants to help.”
Susan went to Mamm’s side. “I’m so sorry.”
Mamm turned toward her with a weary smile and opened her arms. They embraced. “You don’t have to help with breakfast,” she whispered. “You’ve been through a lot.”
Susan said nothing, but she helped with the bacon and eggs anyway. Mamm worked beside her, glancing up once in a while, the hint of a smile on her face. “You’ve turned into quite a fine woman, Susan. I know you’ll do the right thing.”
Susan nodded, not trusting her voice. They finished the meal preparations and called Daett in from the living room. He sat down and began praying, “O dear Da Hah, all-knowing God, help us this morning to praise Your name even in the midst of our troubles. We give You thanks for the breath of life You have placed within us, for the love we feel from our families, and for the joy we receive from being in Your presence. Help Susan this morning, and all of us, to face our lives with courage, with humility of heart, and with thankfulness for all You have given. Bless this food now. Bless Anna and Susan for preparing it. We receive it with thanksgiving. Amen.”
“Amen,” Mamm echoed. She looked up and handed the plate of eggs to Daett. He slid off what he wanted and passed the plate to Susan.
They ate in silence, and Daett prayed again when they were finished.
Susan stood to help Mamm clear the table.
“I’ll get the horse ready,” Daett said as he left for the barn.
Mamm and Susan worked side by side in silence. Over their heads the lantern hummed. “Go now,” Mamm said when she caught sight of Daett coming out of the barn with the horse.
Susan kissed Mamm on the cheek and then grabbed her winter coat in the mudroom. She put it on and slowly walked outside.
Daett had Toby under the shafts when she arrived. After fastening the tugs on her side, Susan climbed in. Daett threw her the lines and slapped the horse on the
rump. Susan looked back as she turned south toward Ada’s place. Daett was walking across the lawn, his back bent, but he waved. Susan pressed back the tears. At Ada’s place, she stopped by the hitching post and waited. Now what? Would Steve even go with her? Had he eaten breakfast yet? Would he risk getting into trouble himself? Gathering her courage, she left the lines hanging over the dashboard and walked up to the front door. She knocked, the sound loud in the still morning air.
Ada opened the door, a questioning look on her face.
“May I speak with Steve?” Susan asked. “Out here?”
“Can he at least finish his breakfast?” Ada asked. “We’re almost done.”
Footsteps came across the hardwood floor, and Steve appeared in the doorway, slipping on his coat.
“I’m done,” Steve said with a smile. He stepped outside.
Ada shut the door behind him, still looking puzzled.
Ada will have to figure this out later, Susan decided. Right now explaining to Steve would be hard enough.
“Is something wrong?” Steve wasn’t smiling anymore.
“My driver’s license was discovered yesterday,” Susan blurted out. “Deacon Ray knows, and I have to go talk to him about it. Will you come with me?”
“Whoa!” Steve said, holding up his hand. “Where is the driver’s license now?”
“Mamm burned it this morning after we all talked about it.”
Steve looked at her but said nothing.
“So will you go with me? I plan to ask his forgiveness and see what I can do about patching things up.”
“Let me tell Ada I’ll be gone for a while.”
He disappeared into the house. The moments seemed long before he reappeared with his hat on his head.
“Did you tell Ada and Reuben what is going on?”
“No. You’ll have to tell them later.”
“Thank you.” She climbed into the buggy. Steve followed, taking the lines without asking. It felt gut, Susan realized, to have him take charge. But it might take more than that to persuade Deacon Ray to go easy on her. Yet what could Deacon Ray do? They had already destroyed the license. She might have to do a public confession, but that was bearable...providing Steve stuck with her.
Steve drove for a mile or so before taking a turn down a side road.
“Where are you going?” Susan asked.
He said nothing, driving on and bouncing to a stop under some trees overlooking a pasture. Beyond the field, a small stream ran, the cold waters tinkling over rocks. The edges of the banks showed small feathers of ice streaking outward.
“I’m having this out right here,” Steve said.
“Having what out?”
“Will you marry me, Susan?”
“Steve!” she gasped. “On a morning like this?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Do you think this will make things better? Must I prove my loyalty before you support me in front of Deacon Ray? Don’t you know I can always get another driver’s license? The Englisha people keep those records.”
“Yah, I know that. But that’s also where you’re wrong. I want your heart, Susan. Any of us can break the rules, run off to wherever afterward. The question is where our hearts lie. Do they lie here in this land of the people, among those who love us, among others who fear Da Hah as we do? Where is your heart, Susan? Does it lie with us? Does it lie with me?”
Tears stung Susan’s eyes as she studied Steve’s serious face. She reached up to brush his cheeks with her fingers, “My heart has been with you for a long time, Steve. It’s just been slow in knowing it.”
“Then you’re saying yah? Yah to us? To our life together?”
She nodded.
Where had the love for this man come from? she wondered. Had Mamm been right? Did it spring up from things unknown?
He touched her face, his lips coming toward her. She lifted her face to meet his, clinging to him with both hands. He lingered in the kiss a long time.
“Now we are ready to meet Deacon Ray,” he said, taking a deep breath. He turned the horse and gently slapped the lines against Toby’s back.
Susan nestled against Steve’s shoulder, tears running down her cheeks. Why was she crying? There was nothing but happiness bubbling up in her heart. More happiness than she had ever known in her whole life.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
The early morning sun warmed the inside of the buggy as Steve pulled into Deacon Ray’s driveway. Susan sat up straight, taking her head away from the comfortable position on his shoulder. Her heart was still beating hard, and her head felt dizzy. How strange her life was turning out, with so many unexpected twists and turns. Who would have thought all those years ago, when she dreamed of Thomas with her head between her hands and elbows propped up on the school desktop, that a hired hand would be the one to win her heart?
Now here they were at Deacon Ray’s on an unpleasant errand. She had arrived for her first church confession, and she wasn’t even a member yet. It figured. This was how her life had always gone. Taking the road others stayed away from. It might as well keep on this way. With Steve standing with her, surely she would survive this too.
Susan caught her breath as Deacon Ray walked out of the barn. He had his wool hat pulled down low over his forehead and his heavy winter coat wrapped around him tightly. Pushing his hat up, he squinted in the bright morning sunshine, surprised to see them.
Susan waited while Steve tied up, and then she climbed down to stand beside him. Deacon Ray was coming toward them at a slow walk.
“Gut morning,” Steve greeted him.
Deacon Ray nodded. “Gut morning. What can I do for you two?”
Steve cleared his throat. “Susan has a matter that needs taken care of.”
Deacon Ray didn’t waste time. “I suppose this is about the driver’s license.”
Steve glanced at Susan.
Susan found her voice. “Yah, it is.”
“Is the finding of the license the problem or the fact that you had one?”
“Having one, of course,” Susan said at once. “I need to confess the matter. I know I do. It was my doing. No one else is to blame. I was keeping it as a memory of what had happened to me in the Englisha world.”
“I see. Did Steve know about the license before this morning?”
Susan opened her mouth to speak, but Steve answered first. “I did, Deacon Ray. I tried to talk Susan into getting rid of it, but she needed more time. I felt it was better to exercise patience in this situation.”
“You are a young man,” Deacon Ray said, squinting at Steve. “Do you profess to know what needs doing? Especially when such a thing concerns your girlfriend? It might have been better to tell the ministry. The flesh of man is very weak.”
“I take care of those I love.” Steve’s voice was firm. “I made the best choice I knew how, with her best interest in mind. And I will continue to do so when she becomes my frau.”
“I see.” A hint of a smile crossed Deacon Ray’s face. “Where is the license now?” he asked Susan.
“Mamm burned it after we talked this morning,” Susan said.
“That’s gut,” Deacon Ray said, nodding.
“I’m sorry for the trouble and worry this has caused,” Susan said. “I really am.”
“Are you willing to say this in front of the church?”
Susan opened her mouth to agree, but again Steve spoke first. “I don’t believe that is an appropriate measure to take in this instance.”
“You don’t?” Deacon Ray was looking at him.
Steve didn’t hesitate. “Susan isn’t a church member. She hasn’t been using the driver’s license nor has she tried to influence anyone else into getting one. Don’t some of the sins of rumspringa get forgiven without a public confession?”
“You wouldn’t have been talking with Menno now, would you?” Deacon Ray asked, staring at Steve.
“No,” he said, looking a bit puzzled. “Susan came to me this morning about th
is, and we came straight here. I haven’t seen Menno since the day before yesterday.”
“And you, Susan?”
“Daett and Mamm spoke to me this morning about the license, but I’m not sure I know what you’re getting at.”
“Did Menno advise you about what you should say or do?”
“Beyond destroying the license and coming to talk to you, neither Daett nor Mamm gave specific instructions. Daett said I would know the right thing to do,” Susan told Deacon Ray while looking into his eyes.
“Ach, then I am ashamed of myself.” Deacon Ray lowered his head. “Menno is indeed a better man than I am. You see, there is a matter I have never confessed publicly either. Menno and I were working together in St. Louis, putting in our time of service for the government. While there, I not only obtained a driver’s license, but I purchased an Englisha automobile, hiding it at a friend’s house. Your daett knows this, Susan.”
Susan stared at him nervously. “Daett told me nothing of this.”
“Menno is a gut man,” Deacon Ray said. “Perhaps we had better follow what I think his advice would be and forget some of these things that are done when we were young. The ones that harmed no one, at least. Those we will confess to Da Hah and forsake in our hearts.”
“I think that would be a wise plan,” Steve said. He cleared his throat.
“What about you, Susan?” Deacon Ray was looking at her now.
“I have forsaken the world in my heart,” Susan said, taking Steve’s hand.
Deacon Ray smiled. “Then we will leave the matter as it is. Please tell Menno he has my highest respect.”
“Yah, okay then.” Steve was still holding Susan’s hand. “We thank you for your time this morning, Deacon Ray.”
He turned and helped Susan into the buggy. He untied Toby, threw the reins into the front, and climbed up. Deacon Ray was walking to the house as they pulled out. He turned to waved from the front porch.
“I think you cracked his heart a little,” Susan finally said as Steve drove onto the main road.
“He’s a soft-hearted soul,” Steve said. “It’s just not always easy to see.”
Where Love Grows Page 27
