On Little Wings

by Regina Sirois

  “I’m here,” my mother corrected gently. She looked at me. “You met Jennifer?”

  He nodded once and said “huh” in an agreeable tone.

  “And you’ve got three of your own?” She said too brightly.

  “Huh.” The toothpick bobbed on his lip as he chewed.

  In the uncomfortable quiet my mother shoved her hands into the pocket of her light jacket and sucked in a breath like a diver about to go under. “Harvey, this isn’t the time or place, but I’m only here today, so I better just tell you that I’m sorry. It doesn’t count for much twenty years late …”

  “Huh.” This time his mouth flicked up in the briefest smile and the flexible syllable stretched into something that sounded like, “It’s water under the bridge.”

  My mother shifted her weight, relief and shame leaving her face a mottled red. “So you haven’t seen the girl they’re looking for?” She asked.

  “Nuh.” Harvey managed to shove the toothpick with his tongue to the other side of his mouth. “She’s not around here. I thought that was the one scared a’ boats,” he said to Nathan.

  “She is. But we’re running out of places to check,” Nathan scanned the horizon and I knew he was deciding where to go next.

  “We could ask the Jacks,” I suggested.

  “They were too drunk last night to remember anything,” Nathan glanced up to their bench.

  “Jake said something about a proposal last night,” Harvey said off-handedly.

  “Decided to mention that, did you?” Nathan’s hand flew up in frustration.

  “Didn’t suppose he meant Will. Just thought he was talking about one of his deckhands,” Harvey shifted his weight to his other leg.

  “What exactly did he say?” My mother asked nervously, as if afraid to interrupt.

  “Jus’ said it was a romantic night for a proposal. I was getting’ my fireworks ready. Didn’t hear no mo’.”

  “But Will was on the boat for the show, right? So they had to go somewhere after …” I thought out loud.

  “Yuh, he was on the boat. Call the hotels yet?” Harvey’s bored voice made his question a hundred times worse.

  I diverted my embarrassed eyes, trying not to see the flush of fury washing over Nathan’s face. “We can try Michael’s house,” I suggested.

  “That’d be real classy,” Nathan muttered in disgust.

  His cell phone let out a jarring jangle and Nathan thrust his hand into his pocket like he was grabbing a drowning man from water. Before the second ring sounded the black phone was at his ear.

  “Yeah,” he said, his teeth not opening to let the word out. His tight jaw flexed and he gave another clipped, “Yeah. Bye.” A flat, black fire burned at the center of his eyes when he turned to us. “They’re home.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief in unison with my mother. Harvey just pulled the corner of his lips down thoughtfully. “Well, then.” he gave my mother one nod. “It’s good you came back,” he said before he turned back to his boat.

  She lingered uncertainly, watching his back before she ducked and said a timid, “thanks.”

  Nathan stalked up the dock in silence, anger building visibly under his skin, stiffening his limbs. “What’s the matter?” Glenn asked gruffly when we passed them. Nathan didn’t slow or turn his head. I’m not sure he knew Glenn was there. I’m not sure he knew he was there. I shrugged a fast apology and tried to keep up with Nathan.

  “I’ll drive,” my mother said when we got to the car. Nathan turned his dead face on her and she ignored his expression, holding out her hands for the keys. “Trust me, it’s hard to drive when you want to kill someone,” she said calmly, her eyes not moving from his. I watched in disbelief as he dropped the cluster of keys into her hand. I took my seat in between them and felt the car jerk to life. “Roll down your window. Try to calm down,” my mother instructed him like a flight attendant.

  “You broke Harvey’s heart?” I finally found my voice again and decided against addressing Nathan in his current state.

  “I didn’t mean to. I wrote to him. He was one of the only ones. I told him I was sorry. Told him I was okay,” She answered as the car gathered speed. “But I never told him where I went. I knew he’d tell Sarah.”

  “I didn’t know you could drive a stick,” I told her.

  A grim smile crossed her face. “Judith still live at Boulder Bend?” Mother asked.

  I nodded.

  “I don’t think we should take him yet,” she said, tilting her head at Nathan.

  “Try and stop me,” he growled.

  “Nathan, we don’t know anything. Let them explain first,” I begged.

  He didn’t acknowledge me, just kept his face trained out the open window. The wind blew his sandy hair and whipped strands of mine onto his shoulder until I reached up and pulled it into one hand. The truck bounced onto Haven Lane, past Shelter Cove and down to Boulder Bend. A small congregation waited on the front yard; Sarah and Little stood beside Judith and across from them Will slouched awkwardly beside Claudia, guilt and worry wrinkling his forehead. Claudia stood tall, but her defiant stance didn’t make her tiny body look any older. My mother rolled to a slow stop and killed the engine.

  The door whipped open and Nathan jumped down, midstride, plunging toward Claudia. “Where have you been?” he kept his voice just below a shout.

  “Nathan,” she said, half angry, half placating. “Wait.”

  “Where have you been?” He yelled. Sarah and Judith moved toward him. I left the door swinging on its hinges and followed behind him. My mother said my name but I ignored her. Nathan was a torrential wave, not stopping for anyone, headed straight for Claudia and Will. “Were you with him all night?”

  “Not like you think,” Claudia said, her hands up in surrender.

  Will slid in front of Claudia right as Nathan reached them. As fluid as his undaunted stride across the yard, Nathan’s fist swung over his head and then down in a grand arch, collecting Will’s face as it plunged toward the ground. I heard other screams over my own and watched Will collapse almost to the grass before staggering back up, his fists clenched.

  I’d never seen someone make another person bleed, but bloody spit trailed from Will’s mouth. I heard Sarah shouting angrily at Nathan, she was running, but Will put his long arm up, telling her to step back.

  Claudia, over her first abrupt shock, sprung on Nathan with a vicious wrath. Her small fists pummeled his arm as she screamed. I could tell she didn’t even know what she was saying. Just letting the anger spew out like Will’s blood.

  “Feel better?” Will asked, quieting everyone. His small eyes glinted with hate for Nathan but he took a step back to show he wasn’t going to retaliate. Nathan was strong, but I’d seen Will on his boat. He could do damage if he wanted.

  Nathan took a threatening stomp closer to him, but Claudia was in the middle now, her hands up to her brother. “What did you do?” Nathan yelled. “What did you do to her?”

  “Nothing!” Will shouted and spit some blood from his mouth. “We … I, I asked her to marry me.”

  “She’s sixteen!” Nathan screamed.

  “Not now. Later. In a few years. I just wanted to ask!” Will retorted, holding up a defensive hand as Nathan leaned closer.

  “Over my dead body. Over yours!” Nathan yelled as he pointed a deadly finger at Will’s face.

  Claudia wrenched his hand away from Will. I noticed a glint of gold flash in the hot sun. “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t tell people what to ask me! You’re not in charge of the world.” But even she, as tough as she was, stepped back under the tidal wave of Nathan’s rage. It crushed her into silence.

  Will spared a fast glance for the circle of appalled women around him before addressing Nathan again, “Don’t you see what happens if we do this? It’s like Romeo and that cousin. Claude gets hurt no matter who wins. I’m not doing it.”

  Nathan’s voice snaked down to a hiss. “You read Shakespeare? Is that t
o impress her? Is that to make her think you could actually stimulate her mind and not just …”

  “We watched the movie,” Will explained, stepping to his left as Nathan stepped right.

  “Trying to educate the village idiot?” Nathan asked Claudia. “You think it will make it okay to waste your life on him if he’s seen an old black and white movie?” Even I wanted to slap him for that one. If he wasn’t so coiled to fight, so ready to swing his fist blindly, I might have.

  “It wasn’t old,” Will said. “It was the new one. With the guns. She’s not trying to make me anything I’m not.”

  Nathan paused like an actor when the director yells cut. His face smoothed for a short instant in disbelief as he spoke to Claudia, “The Dicaprio movie?”

  “I like that one best!” Her shrill cry pained my chest. “Better than the old ones. Better than the book. We’re different, Nathan. I’m not like you. I’ve never been good at the things you’re good at.” Her red, embarrassed face was beseeching. “That’s okay. That we’re different. Like it’s okay that Will and I are different.”

  Nathan shook his head, throwing away her words and turning back to Will. “Did you tell her what you said about her? Tell her why you started paying attention to her. Did you tell Judith?” His voice punched Will with each word, making him crouch.

  “What? When? What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t play dumb with me!” Nathan shouted. “Tell her that you hoped she’d take after her mom. Like mother, like daughter!” Nathan’s voice cracked and the red leaked from his face to his eyes. A tear trembled on his bottom lashes.

  Claudia stumbled, taking a step away from Will, her face white with betrayal.

  Will froze. “I never …”

  Nathan lunged forward, seizing the small clearing Claudia made by stepping back. Claudia reached his arms just in time to deter him and helplessly she screamed, “Jennifer, do something!” I don’t know why she thought of me before her own mother, before Sarah, but it was my face she held with her terrified eyes. Her words woke me from the stupor of a spectator and I rushed forward, grabbing Nathan’s shoulder. It shook with power beneath my palm.

  “He doesn’t remember Nathan. That was years ago.”

  “I beat the brains out of his head – I think he remembers why!” Nathan said as he struggled to control his arms that wanted desperately to flail, but couldn’t with two girls so close.

  “I don’t!” Will said, a frantic plea in his voice. “I don’t. I’d forgotten all about that. I would never. I didn’t start liking her … She isn’t like that!” His mouth fought for traction on his slick thoughts, looking for the one to make Nathan understand. His eyes pleaded for Claudia to believe him.

  “What did you do with her last night?” Nathan demanded once more. I blushed as deeply as Claudia. I didn’t want to hear.

  “Nothing! I took her to Bredford to see the lighthouse. I asked her if she’d want to get married in a few years.”

  “And then?” Nathan snarled.

  “And then I told him I don’t know!” Claudia shrieked. “We talked. I called Amanda and told her that I couldn’t come over because Will and I had to talk.”

  “Talk?” Nathan ripped the word apart with sharp sarcasm.

  “Yes, talk! And we fell asleep. In the car. We didn’t. We’ve never . . .” livid tears fell down across her red face. “Thanks for thinking so highly of me, Nathan.”

  For the first time the savage tremors racing through Nathan slowed. I was surprised to see my hand still clamped on his shoulder. I slid it down to his arm, holding onto his elbow.

  “And you’re thinking of it? Marrying this waste of space?”

  “He’s not!” Claudia yelled. “You stupid, impossible jerk! He’s smart. He’s good. You never give anyone credit. I’ve been trying to be good enough for you my whole life. Make it up to you that I’m the reason your dad left. But I can’t. I can’t! I’ll never live up to what you want me to be.”

  Will’s hand went up to Claudia’s face and he put his fingers to her mouth and looked at Nathan with a dark, accusing flash in his eyes. I’d never seen Nathan look so confused or shocked, but his expression mirrored mine, Sarah’s, Judith’s.

  “Make it up to me? Be good enough for me? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re good enough for anyone. He’s not good enough for you!”

  Will answered quietly. “I get it, Nathan. I know she’s smarter. I know she’s too pretty. I get it,” Will flinched at his own words, embarrassed. “But she likes me anyway.” His eyebrows drew up in surprise, like he couldn’t believe it either.

  “Yeah, well, there’s no accounting for taste,” Nathan mumbled, the heat of his temper fading.

  Claudia took Will’s hand. Her head didn’t quite reach the top of his chest and I looked at the mismatched pair, her proud eyes smiling up at his sunburned face like he was a rare prize to be won.

  “Nathan,” Sarah came forward slowly. “My dad,” her eyes went to my mother, “Our dad was just a waterman. My mother’s family hated him. She didn’t. Sometimes it works.” I released his arm, suddenly too aware of his warm skin under mine. Too aware of the eyes around us. I drew back a pace to my mother and took her hand instead, needing something to hold. She clutched my fingers tightly and I couldn’t tell which of us was the scared child. Both, most likely.

  “Your mom wasn’t sixteen,” Nathan started.

  “May work. May not.” Judith interrupted. “That’s to be seen. But you’re still grounded for … ever. Get inside.” And her finger cut a path from Claudia Gale to the front door. She then raised it to Will, who looked like he would be grateful if an assassin took him out before she spoke again. “And you! I always liked you. But if you ever pull a stunt like that again … If you ever … I will sic Nathan on you so fast, so help me!” she vowed.

  Nathan’s mouth raised in a smirk until her finger made its way to him. “You shut up! You don’t fight with your fists. Not with a mind like yours. Get inside. Now!”

  We all stood back in shock as Nathan made his way to the front door, turning his head just long enough to see his Mother following behind him.

  CHAPTER 40

  The door shut behind Judith, enveloping the yard in an eerie stillness. My mother flashed her eyes to Sarah and Little and all the questions that waited behind the unfolding dramas of the day rushed the gates of our minds. I felt mine building. Saw the confounded look in Sarah’s eyes as she looked at her sister. Whatever my mother was thinking she hid well. She gave my hand a small tug and said, “Let’s get your stuff and go.”

  I felt the blow of her words across my back, lashing me home, away from Sarah, away from Nathan. I couldn’t argue. A promise is a promise. I looked up to Little with my stricken expression, something that said, this is it, and let my mother guide me forward. I was certain one of the women would save me from this abrupt departure, say something to slow my mother’s exit, but they watched us cross the yard to the road.

  “Mom,” I said when I recovered my speech, drawing my hand out of hers as we reached Shelter Cove. “The thing is that I thought you would call first. Give me a warning. So I could say good-bye. I haven’t said good-bye to anyone.”

  “You can say it on your way out. We need to leave now,” She wasn’t angry, but there wasn’t an inch of compromise in her voice. “Just throw your stuff in your bag.”

  I struggled against the tears, out of ideas. Obediently, I left her standing in the driveway while I walked inside, trying to understand I wouldn’t walk in again. Not for months. Maybe a year. Even Chester sensed something amiss because he graced me with a rare caress across my legs after I entered. Everything was slow, each step, each turn. I mounted the stairs and gathered my clothes, neatly folding even my underwear. Stalling. Computing. Waiting for someone else to think of something. I finished packing one drawer when I heard footsteps outside my room and braced myself to look at Sarah, to tell her bravely that I would be back soon. It was a differen
t face that peeked in – my mother’s.

  “Are you done yet?” She asked impatiently, as if she didn’t want the house to hear her. Even though she spoke to me she was looking at the room, her eyes drinking in the details like I had the first time I saw it.

  “Almost,” I said, looking at the drawers of clothes I hadn’t emptied yet. I let my gaze wander, trying to see the room as she saw it, after twenty years. “Do you remember when you wanted to move in here with Sarah and you got stuck between the beds?”

  She pierced me with a frown but didn’t answer; looked like she never intended to answer again. “Sarah told me about that the first night I got here. She laughed so hard she cried. Do you remember?” I looked down at the quilt beneath my suitcase, waiting for a response she refused to give. “Was this quilt on the bed when you were here? I’ve been using it since I got here.” She recoiled when I said that, turned toward the desk and ran her hand over wood, disregarding me. My pride prickled and the heat of it rose up inside of me. It didn’t really matter what I said anymore. I just wanted her to answer. “Do you remember her making it? Do you remember anything? Do you remember Sarah’s senior recital, when she had all the solos? Do you remember when your dad took you with him on his boat?” I wasn’t pausing to let her answer – I was reciting any stray story I could remember Sarah telling me. “Do you remember …”

  “Stop it, Jennifer! You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snapped. “I remember everything. You don’t need to ask.”

  Not good enough. “So you remember when you begged your dad to buy extra fireworks because you wanted the best show and how your mother wouldn’t let you talk like the other kids …”

  She turned from the room and disappeared. I jumped up, leaving my clothes in a heap on the bed and stalked her down the hall, down the stairs, unrelenting. “And Harvey? Remember him? And the storms? And your cat that you buried with fish bones because you’d just learned about the Egyptians feeding their dead?”

  At the bottom of the stairs my mother spun blindly, pacing the living room. “Do you remember your father working at the factory and your mother wearing her aprons? Do you remember?” I didn’t know what was happening to me. Maybe Little’s unexpected resurrection or Nathan’s violent fight were too much for one morning, but my voice was growing, a hot balloon inflating in my chest, ready to break. Explode. “Do you remember Sarah trying to talk to you, trying to find you, trying to be your sister? Do you remember lying to me for sixteen years?!” There was an ugly scream ripping from my mouth, a noise I’d never made before. And all along, as hateful as it sounded, I never once hated my mother. I was trying to reach her across an ocean of pain - bring her back home.