Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Listen to me, young lady. If you want to go to this dance, that’s fine. But either your daddy will take you and pick you up or you can just stay home and not go at all. Now what’s it going to be? Me and your daddy are not going to take the chance of you falling and getting hurt.”

  “Momma, puhleeze, can I walk?” Clarye begged. “It’s only two blocks and all the other girls and boys are walking.”

  “What did I say, young lady? It’s going to be my way or no way,” Ann said adamantly.

  “I’ll let daddy take me then,” Clarye said, still sulking.

  Her mother stood up and left the room.

  Clarye called Angela and Beth and told each of them what her mom and dad had said. They told her not to worry, that they would meet her at the party.

  Friday rolled around. Clarye put on her new red bell bottomed pants with a matching red and white polyester blouse. Her sister, Vivian, had taken her to the shopping center the day before to pick out just the right outfit for the dance. She tried to hide the ugly, white orthopedic shoes she had to wear by writing all over them in black magic marker. She wrote the names of the kids she hung around on her shoes and some of the latest songs. She carefully spelled each one out on her shoes. She replaced the white shoestrings with black ones to match her outfit. She hated those big, bulky shoes and the huge, steel braces and crutches. But Clarye couldn’t think of that too much now. She was too excited that she was going to her first dance.

  “Daddy, I’m ready to go,” Clarye hollered. Her daddy reached for his walking cane and they went to get in the black Bonneville that he cherished. People in their neighborhood had always thought it was her daddy’s fault that she was crippled. After all, he was crippled and they somehow thought that he must have had some deadly disease and passed it on to his poor, little baby girl. They had no idea he was a war veteran.

  “Some people are so stupid,” she said whenever she noticed the stares and mumbles coming from underneath their breath. She forced herself to not dwell on that now, but instead climbed inside the black Bonneville and laid her crutches next to her on the seat. As they approached Ada’s house, Clarye could see boys standing around outside. She felt as if all eyes were on her and her daddy pulling up in the drive. She felt totally self conscious and paranoid at that moment.

  “Can I get out of this car and go inside? No, I can’t do it,” she nervously said. “I just can’t do it. I don’t even know how to dance. And worst of all I have to be dropped off like a little elementary school girl or something.” The voice of Clarye’s father telling her he would be back at ten o’clock to pick her up, brought her back to reality.

  “Okay, Daddy, I’ll be ready,” Clarye turned to him and said. She opened the car door slowly and lifted her brace clad legs out of the car. Just as she reached for her crutches, Angela and Beth walked up and she began to feel a little more relaxed. They walked into Ada’s house together. The house was a small two bedroom house, and was very neat and clean. She had those low beamed blue lights that gave the room a romantic aura. Marvin Gaye’s, If This World Were Mine was playing on the stereo. Two or three couples were slow dancing while some of the others were eating and sitting around talking. When Clarye spotted Ada coming from the kitchen, she hobbled over to where Ada was. “Hey, girl. This is a great party.”

  “Thanks, Clarye. I am so excited. So many people are showing up. This is cool.”

  “It sure is. Everybody who is anybody is here, girl.”

  “This is going to be the best end of the school year party,” said Ada with a broad smile on her moon shaped face.

  “It already is. I wonder if Tammy Swift is going to be here?”

  “You know she is. Wherever Michael is, she’s going to be somewhere close by.”

  “And she doesn’t even like you or me,” said Clarye.

  “I know it, but I invited her anyway just to see if she and her crew would show up.”

  “Well, I’m going to go and get me some of that punch your momma made. It looks good.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you in a minute. I’m going to walk around and play hostess,” said Ada and laughed.

  Clarye could tell that Ada was feeling special. When Clarye turned and walked away to get some punch, she saw Michael in the corner of the den talking to none other than, Tammy. Clarye’s heart felt injured at that moment. She looked around for Beth and Angela. Angela was dancing with some boy, but she didn’t see Beth. She tried not to think about Michael and Tammy, so she walked toward the sitting area with her punch.

  Clarye leaned over to sit her punch on the floor next to the sofa so she could unlock her braces and sit down, when Michael came up and politely removed the punch from her hand. “I’ll hold this while you sit down,” he said.

  Clarye meekly looked at him and said, softly, “Thanks.” Michael sat down beside her and asked, “What’s been going on? You sure look pretty tonight,” he said.

  Clarye blushed. “Thank you,” she told him again.

  “You think it’s okay for me to be sitting here?”

  “I don’t know, that’s a question only you can answer. I wouldn’t want your girl, Tammy, to get upset.”

  “I’m not worried about her,” he said and threw a hand up in the air. “I’m talking about you.”

  “What about me?”

  “I want to make sure I’m safe sitting here. I wouldn’t want you calling your daddy on me again,” he said with a smirk on his handsome face.

  Clarye thought she would just die. Oh, my gosh. No he didn’t just bring that up. She was so embarrassed.

  Michael began to laugh.

  She looked at him questioningly and asked, “What’s so funny?”

  “You are,” he said. “I can’t believe you sicked your daddy on me that night. I was only trying to show you how much I liked you, Clarye. I was even going to ask you for a chance; you know, to be my girl.”

  “You were going to ask me for a chance?” She pointed at herself.

  “Yea, what’s wrong with that?”

  “Uh, nothin’, I didn’t know, Michael.”

  “I changed my mind though after what you did. I thought that you really must not like me after all.”

  “No, that wasn’t it. I never French kissed before. I didn’t even know what it was until Ada told me. Why, I’ve never even been kissed before,” Clarye said sadly.

  “Not to worry, maybe we’ll try again some other time,” Michael said.

  “I doubt that, since I you and Tammy are an item now. The whole school knows you asked her for a chance,” Clarye told him.

  “It’s not like that. It’s not like that at all,” Michael said. “I really like you and I want you to be my girl. Tammy knows that I’m not serious about her. She’s dated over half the guys in the junior class. You know that, Clarye.”

  “Well, she is popular.”

  “It’s a difference, believe me,” remarked Michael.

  I still envy her. Clarye thought. Shoot, I haven’t dated a single boy and the one that was going to ask me for a chance, I sicked my daddy on him. Ugh. Clarye wanted to crawl up in a corner and disappear.

  “What time is your daddy coming to pick you up?” Michael asked, pulling her from her thoughts.

  “Ten thirty,” Clarye answered. “Why?”

  “Do you think he would mind if I got a ride home with you when he comes?” Michael asked.

  “Well, you better be the judge of that,” she said. “After all, I don’t think he has very fond memories of you now.” They both began to giggle. While Tammy was busy dancing and wiggling her tail with one guy after the next, Clarye and Michael spent the next half hour laughing and talking. It didn’t seem to bother Michael at all that Tammy wasn’t paying him any attention. He was too involved with Clarye.

  Clarye wanted to get up on the dance floor herself and wiggle her butt too or better yet, be held in the arms of Michael while they slow danced. But she had no inkling of what to do on a dance floor with crutches and braces all in
the way, so she just sat on the sofa.

  “Hey, I think I’m going to go outside and talk to some of my home boys for awhile.” He stood up.

  “Okay, I’ll see you later.”

  “I’ll meet up with you when it’s time to go.”

  “Okay.” She watched as Michael stopped and talked to several people at the party, and then disappeared.

  Clarye struggled to get up from the sofa and went to find Ada and Beth. She told them what Michael had said about riding home with her.

  “Girl, what are you going to do?” Angela asked.

  “I don’t know about you, but, honey chile, I’d take that fine boy anywhere he wanted to go,” Beth said.

  The three of them burst into laughter. Ada walked up and asked, “What are you three up to now?”

  Beth filled Ada in on what Michael had told Clarye.

  “Just remember, Clarye,” Ada said. “If Michael tries to French kiss you again, breathe slowly and just relax. Girl, let the feelings flow and glow.” They were giggling and laughing uncontrollably now. Clarye was having a great time. For the first time in her teenage life, she felt normal.

  Ten o’clock rolled around too soon for Clarye. She peered from the living room curtains of Ada’s house just in time to see her daddy pulling up. She began to say her goodbyes, thanking Ada for inviting her.

  “Girl, be for real,” Ada said. “You’re my friend, my best friend to the end.”

  “Clarye, don’t feel bad. Me and Beth are going to have to be heading home soon too,” Angela chimed in.

  “Yeah, but before we leave you better believe that we’re gonna be peeping through the curtains to see if Michael is gonna go along with you or if your daddy’s going to jump out and beat him with his wooden cane,” Beth remarked. All of them, including Clarye, laughed until their bellies began to ache.

  “Now remember what I told you, Clarye. Breathe slow, go with the flow and glow,” Ada said, laughing once again.

  Clarye spotted Michael just as soon as she walked outside. She had decided she wasn’t going to say goodbye to him just in case he hadn’t been serious about leaving with her. Just as she headed toward the car, she saw Michael run up beside her.

  “Clarye, you weren’t planning on leaving without me, were you?” he asked.

  “No, of course not, silly. I just didn’t see you, so I thought you may have gone already,” Clarye lied.

  Michael boldly approached her daddy’s car. Mr. Dawson, he began. I want to apologize for what happened with Clarye. Sir, I didn’t mean no disrespect or nothing. And it won’t happen again, sir.”

  Clarye’s father gave him a cold, hard stare and nodded his head in an up and down motion. Michael took this as an acceptance from Mr. Dawson. He then went on to ask him if he could ride home with Clarye.

  This time Mr. Dawson’s response was a not so friendly, “Get in, boy.” They drove the few blocks home. The car was silent. When they pulled into the driveway of Clarye’s house, Michael jumped out and opened the door for Clarye, helping her with her crutches. He asked Clarye’s daddy if he could come inside for a while and then he would walk on home.

  Surprisingly, Clarye’s daddy said, “Yeah, but for no more than 30 minutes and then off you better get, boy. You here? And I don’t want no more hanky panky out of you or you’ll be sorry.”

  “Yes sir,” Michael replied. Clarye and Michael went into the living room and began to talk about the good time they had at Ada’s dance.

  In the middle of their conversation, Michael asked her, “Can we try this kissing deal again?”

  Clarye looked at him and into his beguiling eyes and answered, “Well, I guess so. Why not.” He raised her face up to his. He began to slowly kiss her cheeks and then moved to her lips. Clarye was melting inside. She remembered what Ada had said, “Breathe slow, go with the flow and glow.” Clarye did just that as Michael’s tongue slowly penetrated her wet mouth, parting her tender lips. Clarye began to relax and accept his kiss and the entrance of his tongue into her mouth. She began to feel her heart pounding as if it were going to jump outside of her body. She felt Michael’s arms wrap around her tiny waist as he sought to bring her close to him. She felt unsteady at first, not used to being held in such a passionate way. She then began to trust in the strength of his embrace and returned the kiss by placing her tongue gently inside his mouth.

  When their lips parted, they looked at each other. Michael smiled and said, “Now that wasn’t so bad was it?”

  “No, that wasn’t so bad,” Clarye replied.

  “See, I told you.” Anyway, I better get going. I don’t want Mr. Dawson to come in here on me again. This time he might really go off worse than before,“ Michael said.

  “Well, goodnight, Clarye,” he said, kissing her gently on the cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” But no sooner did Clarye get ready for bed, and was thinking about her first kiss and the special memories this night would hold, did the phone ring. It was Michael.

  “Clarye, will you give me a chance?” he asked.

  “What about Tammy?” Clarye asked.

  “I told you, Clarye that Tammy means nothing to me,” Michael said. “We settled that once and for all at the dance. She wants to go her own way, and I want to go mine.

  Clarye, can I have a chance?” Michael asked again.

  Clarye not knowing what she was getting into, but wanting it nonetheless said, “Okay, Michael. You can have a chance.“ She couldn’t wait to call and share the news with Ada. She was absolutely thrilled, on cloud nine.

  “Girl, I’m scared of you,” Ada told her. You must have really caught on super fast in the kissing department. You got that boy asking you for a chance already. I guess I’ll have to start coming to you for some lessons.” They both laughed.

  Ada felt true happiness for her friend. She only wanted Clarye to be happy like everyone else. Maybe this would be the start. But unfortunately that was not in the cards. During the following weeks, Clarye soon found out that Michael had not told anyone that he had asked her for a chance. She had confided in Angela, Beth and Ada about it but when she saw Michael at school, he would just speak to her and act as if they were just buddies. Clarye didn’t know what to think.

  Michael still would come over and visit her some evenings and he called her occasionally to have small talk. He kept telling her that he didn’t want everybody knowing his business and that as long as she knew that she was his girl, nothing else mattered.

  One day, while they were in the cafeteria eating one of her favorite school lunches of beans and cheese toast, Clarye told Ada, with a puzzled look on her face, “Surely it has to be more to being girlfriend and boyfriend than this, Ada. Isn’t everyone supposed to know that we’re girlfriend and boyfriend, that he asked me for a chance?” Clarye said, looking lost and hurt.

  “I didn’t want to be the one to tell you Clarye, but I heard that Tammy and Michael are still going together,” said Ada. “Looks like I’m the one always having to be the bearer of bad news. Don’t’ look now, but they’re two tables over from us, behind you. They’re over there laughing and touching all over each other.”

  Clarye’s heart dropped. She couldn’t help but look around in spite of what Ada had said. She saw Michael as his gaze met hers. He turned his eyes quickly away from her, whispered something to Tammy and got up from the lunch table. He went over to the back of the cafeteria and started talking to his running buddies.

  Clarye didn’t hear from Michael for three days. When he finally called, he tried to act as if nothing had happened. But Clarye refused to let it go that easily.

  “So just what are you trying to prove, Michael? she asked. “I heard you and Tammy are still girlfriend and boyfriend,” she said, angry and hurt.

  “Girl, no, we’re just friends and you know very well that it’s not like what you think. You need to stop listening to your friends and start believing what I tell you,” Michael said. Clarye was more hurt than words could express. She knew deep within her tha
t Michael was truly ashamed of her because of her handicap. Over the next few weeks and months, Michael and Clarye barely talked to one another. Sometimes he would call her at night or stop by on his bike while making a delivery. But their relationship really dwindled quickly.

  In Clarye’s insecure mind, it was apparent that Michael wanted a pretty, big legged girlfriend, without the physical trappings of a noticeable handicap and disfigured body. Needless to say, she was crushed. The thought never once entered her mind that Michael was just a young, wild teenage boy who was merely trying to be a Casanova and a "Mac daddy" of some kind. But try telling that to Clarye.

  CHAPTER 4

  Michael ended his relationship with Clarye after he decided to go back to Tammy. This left Clarye’s spirit rather broken. Not long after, perhaps a few months, a guy named Edward who was rather a quiet, sort of shy dude in school, approached Clarye. Edward was thin, with skin the color of coffee with lots of cream. Unlike Michael, he was not one who made her heart beat wildly when she looked at him. He was not very popular in school but most of the upper class students probably at the least knew his name, or the names of one or more of his six brothers. Clarye and her friends didn’t have much, if anything, to say about him, but Clarye started noticing him noticing her during their weekly library class.

  One afternoon, Clarye remained in the library to work on a class project she had to turn in for English. When she finished for the afternoon she tried to maneuver down the long flight of stairs with a heavy book satchel in her hands.

  Edward walked up beside her and said, “Hello.” Clarye mildly muffled a hello to him and once again her defense mechanisms came into play. She was not going to be humiliated again. Not after the disappointment she had experienced with Michael.