Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  Edward enlisted in the Army just like he said he would and was scheduled to leave right after their high school graduation which was to take place in a few weeks. Clarye was still attending the School for Pregnant Girls, but she would still be part of the Senior Class of 1972, and would march in the graduation ceremony.

  Clarye did find some solace at the school for pregnant girls. There she at least was surrounded by a group of girls who were not “normal” either. They had all done the same thing Clarye had done and so in her own way, she felt somewhat accepted in spite of the fact, that once again she was the only one with a physical handicap.

  Some of the teachers, however, felt pity for her like many people at Tremont and in her neighborhood and at her church. Clarye overheard some of the teachers whispering to each other about her. ‘How could someone do that to that poor child? Whoever it is needs to be shot.’ Still Clarye felt more acceptance at the school than at her old school because each of the girls had something in common with Clarye; they were all pregnant. She was no longer like a sore thumb that stood out.

  Clarye was almost four months into her pregnancy, before Edward’s father finally decided he would come and talk to her parents. He stood in the kitchen, not taking a step further into the house.

  “I know what my son said, and I know your daughter is pregnant. But I do not believe my son would go and get a crippled girl pregnant. This baby Clarye is carrying can’t possibly be my son’s child,” he insisted.

  Clarye listened in her room, and could tell by the tone of her father’s voice that he was angry. He stood toe to toe with the man from hell, as Clarye called him, and took up for her.

  “This is his child that my daughter is carrying, and no matter what you say, you can’t change that. We don’t need you or your help, so unless you have something worth saying, you can go on about your business.”

  Clarye peeked from around the corner in the hallway, out of sight, just in time to see Edward’s father throw some money on the washing machine and storm out.

  Edward’s father soon forbade him to talk to Clarye. Edward had to result to sneaking and calling her at night while his father was at work. Sometimes she would hear Edward’s brothers, in the background, teasing him about getting a crippled girl pregnant. Not long after that, Edward called one evening and asked her, “Are you sure that you’re carrying my baby? You could have done it with someone else for all I know.”

  “What did you say? You, of all people know that both of us were virgins when we did it, Edward. I guess you’re listening to your good for nothing daddy, and your stupid brothers. Well, you can go to hell for all I care. Don’t you ever, ever talk to me again. I hate you, Edward. I hate you.” Clarye hung up the phone in Edward’s face. Once again, pain had invaded Clarye’s world. She rubbed her belly and felt the movement of the baby growing inside. She began to talk to her baby and sing to her baby everyday. “You don’t need him, baby. You have mommy, and as long as I live and breathe, you’ll never be alone. I have enough love to make up for all the ones who have turned their backs on us. You’ll see,” she whispered. “You’ll see.”

  CHAPTER 5

  It was after midnight. Clarye’s mother was at work. The house was quiet. Everyone was asleep; everyone except, Clarye that is. She had to keep going to the bathroom to pee every few minutes. It got so bad that she could no longer make it to the bathroom. Clarye felt pee running slowly down her leg. She couldn’t control it. She was terrified. She didn’t know what was going on. Just when she was about to go in and wake up her father, she heard the turn of the key in the door and knew it was her mother coming home from a night of scrubbing floors. She yelled out to her.

  “Momma, come here. I can’t stop peeing on myself,“ she screamed.

  “Girl, you’re not peeing on yourself,” her mother said. “Your water has broken.“ She woke Clarye’s father and they rushed her to the hospital. The labor was unknown by Clarye. She only knew that she awoke to find herself in great pain. Bandages were all over her stomach. She could not focus on why she was in the hospital. She only knew that her stomach was flat, and then quickly realized that something had happened. She had had the baby. Later it was explained to her that she had given birth by cesarean. She drowsily looked up and saw her sisters, her mom and her dad.

  “Clarye, you’ve got yourself a little boy.” her mother said.

  Clarye’s face lit up. “Is he all right? she asked drowsily. “How does he look?“

  “Yes, Clarye, he’s all right. He’s a little on the ugly side but he’s all right,“ her sister, Vita, said with a silly laugh. When they brought her baby boy into the room, love consumed Clarye like it never had in her life. She was drawn to this precious, beautiful little boy who had eyes that seemed to long for her love and embrace.

  “My precious, sweet, little boy,” Clarye said to him. “I promise to always love you and protect you. I’ll love you always, now and forever.” She named her firstborn son, Eric.

  CHAPTER 6

  Upon graduating from high school, Clarye received several college scholarships but turned each one of them down. She decided to enter a one year stenography program instead so she could quickly enter the working world. She wanted to start providing for Eric herself as quickly as possible. Her parents had tried to convince her time and time again to let them adopt Eric.

  “Clarye, if you let us adopt him, then he would be eligible to receive my veteran’s benefits. He’ll have money for his education plus he can even get a check as long as he’s in school,“ her dad told her. But Clarye’s mind was made up. There was no way she was going to give up parental rights to her son, no matter what. She believed that she could take care of Eric just as well as anybody.

  Edward had enrolled in the military just like he planned and their paths never crossed again. He never even saw his beautiful son, Eric. It was unfortunate, because Eric was such a beautiful, happy little boy.

  When Eric was one year old, Clarye read in the newspaper that Edward had been arrested for the murder of an elderly man who had lived in their neighborhood all of their lives. Everyone in the neighborhood had heard about the man’s murder, but to have Edward charged as one of the men who did it, was totally unbelievable. Clarye was in a state of utter disbelief. This was so out of character for Edward. At the time this happened, Clarye didn’t even realize that Edward had been thrown out of the Army for drug abuse.

  Clarye’s mother attended Edward’s trial everyday for her own personal reasons, Clarye guessed. The jury found him guilty of first degree murder and sentenced him to death. That troubled Clarye something terrible. She had always wanted Eric to one day have the opportunity to get to know his father. She knew now that she was asking for the impossible. Edward might as well have been dead already.

  Clarye pushed thoughts of Edward out of her mind. She had to concentrate on making a better life for herself and her son. She completed her stenography program before one year. After she graduated, she was immediately offered a secretarial position at a state agency that provided counseling services and job placement for persons with disabilities. She continued to live at home, saving up her money toward the day that she would be able to get a home for her and Eric. She centered her life around raising her son as a single mom.

  One Saturday afternoon, Ada called. She told Clarye that Michael, who had also enlisted in the Navy after graduating from high school, had come back to town. Clarye really couldn't care less about this bit of news. She invited Ada to go with her and Eric to the mall to get him some summer outfits.

  “Well, I’ll drive today unless you really want to,” Ada told her.

  “No, that’s fine with me girl,” Clarye replied. I really don’t feel like getting behind the wheel anyway. I just want to go and do what I have to do and come back to the house.” Clarye was truly a loner. She didn’t venture far away from home and shopping was one of the things she hated to do. Her idea of having a good time was reading to Eric, taking him to the coliseum to s
ee Sesame Street or to the zoo. She rarely did anything that did not include her precious son.

  When they completed their shopping excursion, Clarye and Ada decided to stop off at the ice cream shoppe and get Eric a sundae. He loved ice cream. When they walked in, there stood Michael.

  Clarye mumbled a weak, “Hello, Michael. Welcome back to Memphis.”

  “Hi, Clarye. How’s it going with you these days?” he asked, staring intensely. “You sure are looking good, girl.”

  “Yeah, sure, Michael,” Clarye said to him, as she proceeded to grab hold to Eric’s hand and take him to the ice cream counter. Michael followed her, continuing to ask her what she had been doing, where she was working and all that every day, doesn’t make any sense kind of stuff. Ada asked her if she wanted to stay and eat the ice cream or take it home.

  “I think we’d better sit down and eat here,” said Clarye. “I don’t want Eric to get ice cream all over your car.”

  “Mind if I sit here with you?” Michael asked.

  Ada, with her big mouth quickly shouted, “You don’t have to ask, just sit down, Michael.” Clarye could see Ada winking at her as if to say, “Girl, it’s on again with you and Michael.” For some reason, Clarye began to entertain the thought as well, as if reading Ada’s mind. When they finished with their ice cream, Clarye cleaned Eric’s face and told Michael that they were leaving.

  “Well, it’s been nice seeing you again, Michael,” she said.

  “Hey, Clarye? Do you mind if I stop by your mom’s and see you later this evening?” Michael asked. “You are still staying there aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, I’m still there for the time being. I guess it’ll be all right.” Clarye said, at first hesitating. “Just give me a call later and I’ll let you know what time to come.”

  “Great,” he exclaimed.

  She gave him her number and said, “Yeah, see yah.”

  “Okay, see yah, Clarye. I’ll talk to you later. And take care of yourself, Ada. It’s been good seeing you again,” he said.

  They got into Ada’s little blue and white Pinto. “What are you going to do about that one, Clarye?” Ada asked her as she sped down the highway.

  “What and who are you talking about?” Clarye asked as if already in another world.

  “Michael, you stoop,” said Ada.

  “I’m going to see him and find out what he’s up to, I guess. After all, Ada, he just probably wants to stop by and chitchat. I’m sure it’s not going to lead to anything.”

  Michael called like he said he would. Clarye decided to invite him over. When he walked into the door, he looked different. He was dressed in a pair of navy trousers with a navy and sky blue, cotton shirt. He looked sort of handsome, well put together as Ada would say. Clarye refused to give in to the funny feeling inside her head. She didn’t want to go through the same scenario as she did in high school with Michael. It had hurt too badly. They talked about his short stint in the Navy. He told Clarye that he had gotten an early discharge due to medical reasons, which he did not want to elaborate on.

  “Clarye, I didn’t have some dreaded disease or anything like that,” he said. “It’s just that I ran into some problems while I was in the Navy, and they allowed me an early release.” She really wasn’t too interested in knowing the circumstances of his release. After all, he was just a young boy from her past, a painful past at that.

  Michael started calling her almost everyday. The three of them began to go to the movies, to the park and out to eat. Wherever they went, Clarye tried to include Eric. She really didn’t want to admit that she was afraid of being alone with Michael.

  One hot, summer afternoon after church, Michael called and asked her if she and Eric wanted to go to the park.

  “Yes, we’d love to,” Clarye said. So far Michael had not made any advances toward Clarye and for that she was thankful. She didn’t want to give in to him. But that afternoon, while Eric was busy playing with some other kids, Michael reached for Clarye and held her in his arms. He gently touched her face and caressed her with tenderness and kissed her ever so softly. This time when he parted her lips with his tongue, she knew exactly what to do, and responded with passion and a mixture of fear. She found herself relaxing and enjoying his touch, his lips, and his hands traveling the course of her body. It had been a long time since she felt the arms of a man around her.

  “Momma, why are you and Michael kissing?” Eric suddenly asked. Clarye did not know that he had been standing there for the past few seconds watching them. She was really embarrassed.

  Before Clarye could answer,” Michael said, “Eric, I love your mother and when a man and woman love each other, they sometimes kiss. And they also get married too, Eric.” Clarye could have been bought for a penny at that statement.

  “Get married?” She screamed. “Get married?” Clarye yelled again.

  “Yes, Clarye, get married,” Michael said. “I want to marry you. Will you marry me? I love you, Clarye and I love Eric too. Please say, yes.”

  “Just let me think about it,” Michael, she said. “This is so sudden and unexpected.” She had not in a million years dreamed that this would be happening. She had to admit that she really liked Michael. But love him? She didn’t know about that. Clarye really didn’t know what love really was anyway. Lots of questions raced through her mind. Had they been seeing each other long enough? Sure, they had known each other for years, but a real marriage. A lifetime with Michael? She just didn’t know what to think about that.

  While they prepared to leave the park, Michael told her he wanted her to really think about his proposal. He told her he would call her later that night. Michael did just as he said. He called and asked Clarye to go with him to dinner. Clarye told him that she would if she could line up a babysitter for Eric. Clarye asked her sister if she would watch Eric for a few hours. Vita told her she would. They sometimes babysat for each other. More times than not, it was Clarye doing the babysitting for Vita so Vita really didn’t hesitate to say “yes” when Clarye asked her to return the favor.

  Michael took her to a small, quaint, seafood restaurant. While they sat talking and sipping on strawberry daiquiris, Michael asked, “Have you been thinking about my marriage proposal?”

  “Well, really I haven’t exactly had a whole lot of time to think, Michael.” She said. “To tell you the truth, I’m still in a state of total shock and disbelief.”

  “I know this might seem rather sudden to you, but it’s not to me,” he said. “We’ve been seeing each other for almost a year now, Clarye. I have to admit that every since I came back home, I knew that I wanted to be with you, Clarye. When I first saw you in the ice cream store, I knew that I wanted you for my wife, my lady, for the rest of my life. I knew that I wanted to be a father to little Eric.”

  Clarye told him that she could not help but remember what happened the last time they tried to have a relationship. She told Michael that she had vowed to never be hurt by him again, or anyone else for that matter, though she didn’t have much success in keeping that vow.

  She had been involved in several short term relationships since Michael and Edward. Most of them were purely sexual. The men never wanted to be seen with her in public but they didn’t hesitate to want her in private. Nevertheless, during the middle of dinner, Clarye told Michael that she would marry him. She really didn’t feel excited about it or anything. She just thought that he would be a good father to Eric. After all, she did know him. She told herself that Michael was never a bad person anyway. He was just young at the time of their first relationship and that certainly he had matured now. They finished their drinks and ordered dinner.

  After dinner ended, Michael told Clarye that he wanted to go by his place to continue to celebrate. Clarye knew within herself what was about to happen. She began to think about how Michael would react to her body, to the scars all over her legs and back from the numerous surgeries she had had as a child. “How will he react to my skinny legs? What will he think whe
n he feels how cold they are. I hate that I have this polio. It’s ruined my entire life.”

  Clarye said a prayer. “Lord, please don’t let him touch my legs. Please don’t let him run his hands over my scars and feel disgust.” Clarye began to plan the scene in her mind. She would hurriedly take her clothes off and jump under the covers so Michael would not see her scarred, shriveled up body.

  When they arrived at Michael’s apartment, he fixed them a glass of red wine and sat beside Clarye on his cheap, brown plaid couch.

  “You know, you’ve made me the happiest man alive, Clarye. What kind of wedding do you want, baby?”

  “I really don’t want a wedding, Michael,” she said. “Why can’t we go to the courthouse?”

  Michael hesitated, before going on to say, “If that’s the way you really want it, then fine. I just want to be your husband.” Michael removed the glass of wine from her trembling hands and reached for her. He gently laid her back on the couch, while he planted light kisses all over her face. Clarye felt herself becoming flushed with feelings of wanting him. He led her into his small, but neatly kept bedroom and laid her back on the full sized bed. She was thinking about her brace. How was she going to remove it without it making all that noise? How was she going to unlock it so that she could welcome his strong body?

  Clarye always had problems when it came to making love. Thoughts of her frail, disfigured body began to loom over her. One moment she was feeling passion and the next she was totally in a state of panic. She kept dwelling on how Michael would actually feel making love to a crippled woman. That’s basically what the other relationships had been as Clarye thought about her one night stands. They all had been more interested in how it would be to make out with a crippled woman. They were not interested in Clarye, for Clarye, or so she believed.