One Night In Amsterdam

by Nadia C. Kavanagh

  He was Dylan Hamilton. The infamous bachelor of Manhattan. I had heard enough about him to scare me off before I agreed to give him a chance, therefore I shouldn’t have been surprised. However, my heart disagreed with my conscience from the first moment we met. He had such a compelling smile and charming manners. He was full of surprises, coming up with new unexpected romantic gestures all the time. My heart disobeyed my brain and convinced me that the Dylan I fell in love with was different than the Dylan people talked about. He wasn’t the licentious man, living a life of debauchery, adultery and lechery that people talked about. He was a romantic, loving person with an incredible artistic talent. I shut my eyes to all the talk and rumors about him. Maybe love made me blind. Maybe, I was so infatuated that I couldn’t see the obvious facts. However, ever since I saw those awful images in front of me, I couldn’t let it go. Regardless of how much I loved him, or wanted to be with him, I couldn’t deal with his past. The wicked images of him with all those girls kept coming back. All the stories I heard about him that I chose to ignore, now appeared as the ugly truth.

  I had to break up with him, although my heart was fighting with my reasoning. I knew if I saw him again, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I couldn’t look into his eyes and tell him that it was over. So, I took the easy way out and sent him one last email. Short, concise. I told him that we couldn’t be together and I didn’t want to see him again. However, my harsh, blunt words didn’t reflect my true feelings. I was still madly in love with him. He was the only one I opened my heart to, the only one I truly loved. I never felt such a deep affection to anyone else before, not even for Kyle. Trying to continue my life without Dylan was like living without fresh air. I had to remind myself to take deep breaths. Every day was a fight, and I had to survive.

  After not seeing him for over a month, loneliness settled in and became my norm. I felt numb. The wound stopped bleeding. I wouldn’t say that I was healed, but at least it scabbed over. I still had to force myself not to think about him. I avoided everything that would bring sweet, painful memories. However, as I listened to Professor Bissette talking in his thick French accent, I fell into another reverie, thinking about Dylan unwittingly again.

  I was wondering where he was and what he was doing when I heard Amy jabbering next to me. “Earth to Emma…answer me Emma. Do you hear me?”

  I was caught off guard while I was daydreaming, about things I promised myself I wouldn’t think about, “What?” I muttered dolefully.

  “You haven’t heard a word I said. Did you? What’s going on with you, Emma?”

  “Sorry, I spaced out for a second.” I said, evading the questions I was asked almost every day lately, as if they didn’t know …What’s the matter with you Emma? “What were you saying?” I asked her, feigning interest.

  “We are going to Quills for a drink. Are you coming with us?” She asked. Chris and Jackson joined us too as we walked out of the auditorium.

  “No. I can’t. I am very tired. I think I’d like to go home, take a long bath and sleep.” I said, coming up with my usual excuse to ditch the group and be alone. I was living an automated life, like a robot since I broke up with Dylan. School, work, clinics and my research. Nothing else, and I wanted to keep it that way.

  “Oh, come on! Emma! This is our last week. We will end up working in different parts of the country soon. Let’s enjoy our final days together a little.” She insisted.

  I was dragging my feet, coming up with more excuses when Kyle showed up and stood right next to us unexpectedly. “You have to come.” He chimed in. “We still haven’t celebrated your successful defense yet. You were amazing.”

  “I was just another doctorate student, trying to graduate. I wouldn’t call that amazing.” I replied.

  “You have no idea what you have accomplished, Emma. Dr. Reuben, Dr. Howard and Dr. McKenzie, they all told me that your research and defense was one of the best they had seen in years. You deserve a celebration.”

  “Thank you Kyle!” Amy exclaimed. “I’ve been telling her the same thing for days, but she doesn’t listen. She’s put her walls up again and it’s hard to get through,” she added.

  “I have not...” I tried to object.

  “I haven’t seen you smiling, doing anything fun since...” She paused, probably wondering if she should say his name, and then muttered quietly. “Since Dylan.”

  Hearing his name out loud had the same effect even after six weeks. My grin turned into a frown immediately. I bit my lips, evading my eyes from Kyle’s intense glare.

  “Come on Emma. Just one drink.” Kyle insisted and put his hand on my arm. His unexpected closeness bothered me. He was acting unusually friendly. I didn’t want to go drinking and certainly not with Kyle, but I couldn’t reject him in front of all the other students. I felt compelled to acquiesce.

  Outside, the weather was warm. It was a glorious, beautiful evening; the sky was dappled with white clouds and had many shades of color; from amethyst to amber to dark blue, giving the tall skyscrapers a colorful glow. It was a typical New York moment with vivid displays, lit windows on tall buildings, busy streets, long lines of cars waiting in the traffic and people standing on sidewalks, impatiently waiting to cross the street. The ‘City that never sleeps’ was its usual self, lively and vibrant as ever. However, I felt lonely and despondent amidst its liveliness. I wanted take a cab and rush back to Sydney’s apartment where I’d been staying for the last couple of weeks. I couldn’t stand to be alone in my house in Brooklyn. Although Dylan had been there only a few times, it still brought back memories I wanted to suppress. Living with Sydney was my only escape; she was the only one who could quell my continuous bickering with myself and self-doubt. Did I do the right thing?

  I walked quietly and slowly next to Amy following Kyle, Chris and Jackson. Kyle turned his head and smiled a few times, checking on me unnecessarily. Then he stopped and waited for me and Amy to catch up with him. For the rest of the way, he walked next to me, making me more uncomfortable.

  We arrived at the Quills Brewery in less than five minutes. A block away from the medical center, it was a favorite hang-out spot for many med students after school. Since it was Friday night, they had live music, and the place was packed. We managed to find a tall table at the back corner. Amy and I took the only available bar stools. Jackson, Chris and Kyle hung around the table. A young waitress, Claire, soon showed up to take our orders. Jackson, Chris and Amy ordered their favorite beer, ‘Blondie’, a locally brewed pale ale, and Kyle asked for a dark lager. He turned to me and started telling me why their lagers tasted better and then asked if I wanted to try.

  “No. I just want some water,” I said tersely, cutting him short. The words came out harsher than I’d planned. I didn’t want him to buy me a drink, but I wasn’t upset about that. His chit-chat about lagers and ales reminded me of Dylan and our first day in Amsterdam. I hated when some silly little thing brought up memories I tried to bury. I scowled inevitably, closed my eyes and rested my chin on the back of my hand.

  “Emma, Are you alright?” Kyle asked.

  “Yes, I am fine.” I said, still agitated. “I’m just not in the mood for a beer.” I yelled to be heard. The place was so loud that it was impossible to have a normal conversation, for which I was grateful. I didn’t want to talk to Kyle. I was already resenting my decision to join them.

  By the time everybody finished their first drink, the band took a break and the uncomfortable silence in the air became more obvious.

  “What’s your plan after graduation?” Amy asked, trying to get me to talk and soften the heaviness in the air.

  “I am not sure yet.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to talk about my plans in front of Kyle.

  “You should apply for Mayo Clinic. We can do our residency there together,” Amy said.

  “Did you get accepted?” I asked.

  “Not officially, but I’ve had a phone interview with the director of surgical residency and he said I have a good chance to
be accepted.”

  “They say that Mayo has a reputation as a great place to be a patient, but not a good place to do surgical residency. They have a very controlled environment without much trauma experience. Don’t expect it to be like a Grey’s Anatomy episode. You will get to watch a lot, but you’ll be lucky if they let you scrub in once in a while.” Chris commented instantly.

  Chris enjoyed picking on Amy. They were famous for their constant arguments and their opposing views on everything. Chris never missed an opportunity to tease her. Sometimes to the point where it annoyed Amy a lot and drove her crazy, which made him enjoy it more. Everybody knew that he had a crush on her. Everybody, except Amy.

  “I totally disagree.” Amy objected immediately. “You work with the best, you learn from the best. Mayo Clinic has the best surgeons in the States and the best residency program,” she carried on. “You are just jealous because you can’t charm your way in using your wicked smile as you always do. Maybe your smile has lost its magical power.”

  “Oh, stop it Amy. I am not jealous at all.” Chris replied with a sly grin. “I think my smile still has a lot of power. Let’s see if it works,” he said, turned to Amy and smiled his famous crooked smile and winked. Amy frowned even more. “Nuh-uh… It doesn’t work with uptight, frigid girls. I guess there’s no way to charm you Amy. You are one impossible girl.” He said laughing.

  Amy flicked Chris’s forehead with her finger teasingly. “Ha-ha, very funny.” She snorted. “If you were a bit more like Doctor Stevens, you might have a chance. He is such a gentleman and also so charming. I would have loved to go on a date with him. I wonder what he looked like at our age.”

  I smiled and nodded showing my agreement; Doctor Stevens was every girl’s dream at school. He was a successful surgeon, charismatic, handsome and happily married for forty years. He had two daughters, a son and ten grandchildren. He was the perfect dream husband for every med school girl.

  “If I knew you were into salt and pepper hair, and a walking stick, I would have died my hair and carried a cane with me.” Chris said after he tilted his head sideways and sipped his beer.

  Amy shook her head, folded her arms over her chest, “Oh, shut up, Chris!” she chided him and asked Jackson, trying to change the subject, “How about you, Jack?”

  “My top three choices were Johns Hopkins, MGH and UCSF.” Jackson replied. “They are also the hardest ones to get accepted to since they get the highest numbers of applicants. I think I’m more likely to be matched with UC Davis, still a great hospital. I definitely wish I had Emma’s GPA and references. I am sure she can get in wherever she applies.” He sighed heavily.

  “If I apply…” I mumbled to myself, but luckily nobody heart me. I didn’t want to talk about my plans after school just yet.

  After fifteen minutes of long, boring arguments about the best residency programs, Jackson left our table and joined a group of girls doing tequila shots. Soon he was laughing loudly and clicking his shot glass with a tall blonde girl. Chris, craving for a cigarette stepped outside. Amy also left to find a quiet place to take a phone call, which left Kyle and me alone at the table.

  Kyle didn’t talk much during our discussion about the residency programs since he was doing his at Columbia. Other than a few comments, he sat there and looked at me stealthily, not making much eye contact. However, now that we were alone, he scooted up next to me, standing disturbingly close. Eyeing me openly, he grabbed a strand of my hair and was about to tuck it behind my ear when I pushed his hand away abruptly.

  “Emma!” He whispered, glaring at me as he sipped his drink. He had three beers already and had just switched to hard liquor, whiskey.

  “What?” I answered, feeling annoyed. I couldn’t hide my grimace.

  “Come on, Emma. Don’t I at least deserve a tiny smile?” He said, his voice was slurred and he looked more than tipsy, clearly inebriated. “You should smile all the time. You have the most beautiful smile Emma. Actually, not just your smile, everything about you is beautiful.” He kept on complimenting me although I didn’t want to listen to it.

  “You are obviously drunk Kyle. Maybe you should stop drinking.”

  “Maybe a bit tipsy, but I am not drunk. I needed to drink to have the courage to talk to you, which I’ve been trying to do for weeks. You, Emma, are the most beautiful and amazing girl I know.”

  “Please don’t talk to me like that.” I replied.

  “Why? I am just stating the truth. You are gorgeous.” He muttered, and then tried to close the distance between us. “I’ve missed you Emma. I’ve missed you a lot,” he whispered.

  “Why? Freshman girls weren’t enough anymore?”

  “Insult me all you want. I deserve all of it. I was an idiot and I made a big mistake. I am begging for a second chance. Don’t you remember how great we were together?”

  “Actually Kyle, we weren’t great together. I was just another score for you. When a new girl showed up admiring you, falling for your fake charm, you couldn’t stop yourself. You can’t love anyone Kyle, because you love yourself more than anyone else.”

  “No. I loved you Emma. I still do. I was so stupid not to realize it sooner, but after seeing you with that son of a bitch, I knew it. It was always you.” He said, breathing in deeply, as if he was savoring my closeness and my scent; his face was now an inch away.

  “Kyle, what we had… it wasn’t love. I didn’t love you. It was just stupid affection.” I said, knowing what true love felt like. However, he was too drunk. I doubted he heard or understood what I said. He kept on staring at me. His eyes were feral, like a wild animal. Unfortunately, I sensed his intentions too late. Suddenly, he pulled me to him and tried to kiss me. I was able to dodge his abrupt, unwelcome move and pushed him back.

  “Get a hold of yourself, Kyle! I already told you I don’t feel anything for you. I don’t even like you.”

  “You don’t like me?” He looked up with a devious grin. “But of course! You dig billionaire playboys who like to fuck every female in town.”

  “You are an asshole!” I burst out. “Stay the hell away from me.” I shouted at him, grabbed my purse and quickly rushed to the door. After all he had done, I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to talk to me like that. I was frustrated, mad and all his insulting words about Dylan brought back a flood of emotions I couldn’t control. My eyes welled up. The tears I was holding in for weeks seeped down my face unrestrained. I opened the heavy metal door and threw myself out. I needed fresh air to recompose myself, however just then, I bumped into someone. I lifted my head up and saw that it was Sydney.

  “What are you doing here?” I said, surprised, trying to hide my tears.

  “I called Amy to help me with something and she mentioned that you were coming here to have a drink. I wouldn’t miss the night you finally cracked out of your shell and decided have a little fun.” She said. She then made me turn towards her and look into her eyes. “From the looks of it, you are not having fun. What the hell happened?”

  “Kyle…” I stuttered and looked away.

  “That asshole. What did he do?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I just want to get out of here.”

  “Only after I tell him what he deserves to hear.” She attempted to push the door open and go in the bar. “Somebody should kick his arrogant ass and teach him a lesson.”

  I stopped her before she reached the door. “Forget about Kyle. He’s not worth it Sydney. Let’s go. I am serious. He is not the reason I am sad.”

  “Okay, but you need to tell me what’s going on with you. Also, let’s get Amy too. She sounded like she wasn’t having much fun either.”

  “It’s Chris. He likes to push her buttons. He’s been picking on her all night. He should just come out and admit how much he likes her, instead of acting like a high school kid.”

  “Men. They never grow up!” Sydney said, shaking her head and grabbed my arm.

  Amy, Sydney and I walked to the nearest coffee shop. On the way,
I was quiet, wondering how I should break the news. When we finally sat down by the window at Stonehenge Coffee House, “I need to tell you something,” I said, after I took a sip from my chai latte. “Actually, I am glad both of you are here. I didn’t want to have this conversation twice.”

  “What are you talking about?” Amy asked.

  “Yes, Emma. What’s going on?” Sydney repeated.

  “I decided what I am going to do for next year.” I said. “I know you are both going to be against it, but I want you to understand, this is my life and my decision. So, please try not to be judgmental.”

  “You are making me nervous.” Sydney muttered. “Just be straight and tell us what you are up to.”

  “I signed up with MSF. I leave New York in a month.” I finally broke the news. ‘To leave or not to leave. My hardest choice in life!’ I thought inwardly. My ambivalence and indecision had been bothering me for weeks. I felt relieved that I finally decided. Whether it was a good decision or not, I didn’t know, time would tell.

  Amy glared at me with a shocked expression. “What the hell is MSF?” Sydney asked, confused.

  “Médecins Sans Frontières.” Amy spoke before me. “Also known as ‘Doctors without Borders’. But how is it possible? I thought they only accepted doctors with a minimum two years of experience.”

  “Yes, that’s usually true, but they are short staffed. Since I have done MD/PhD, they counted my additional years in research as field experience. I think they will send me to Syria first, to assist more experienced doctors. They are in urgent need of surgeons after this never-ending civil war.”

  “You can’t do that Emma. You can’t leave us and go off to Syria, of all places. Is it even safe to go there?”

  “It is not easy for me either Syd, however I have to go. Doctors are well-protected. Don’t worry, I will be safe.”