by Joy Eileen
Kill rolled over and reached out. My heart sputtered, wondering if he was reaching for me in particular, or if he was just used to having a warm body in his bed. He dragged me into him, exhaling when he had my body positioned where he wanted it.
I was on my back, and he was on his side, his arm and a leg thrown over me, securing me to him. I waited for the fear I should have felt from being held down, but it never came.
As I contemplated why I felt so safe, I drifted off to sleep enveloped in Kill’s arms.
Chapter 20
Pounding on my door jolted me awake in an empty bed. I couldn't dwell on Kill's abandonment, as the banging on my door persisted.
“What the hell do you want?” I yelled, just as the door swung open.
Kill stood there smiling which made me scowl, making him smile even wider. “Wake up, sleepy head.” He bounced on my bed, causing me to flop all over.
“I’m up, just stay still for a minute,” I grumbled, and he stilled, leaning over to whisper into my ear.
“I almost got caught,” he admitted sheepishly. “You're too comfortable,” he continued.
My body heated up when his hot breath washed over my neck. As nonchalantly as I could, I pulled the covers over my head to hide my reaction.
“I slept better than I have in years. We need to add this to our friendship agreement. Now get up and get ready. I really want you to practice these other songs.” His face lit up with excitement, and I couldn’t help absorbing some of his energy.
Pushing him over, I got out of bed, probably looking like a demented psych patient that just escaped the asylum. I lifted my hand to my hair trying to smooth it, knowing it was a useless endeavor.
“Give me ten minutes. I will meet you in the garage.”
“Ok, hurry up.”
He slapped my ass on the way out. I tried to pretend to be upset at his retreating form, while grinning like an idiot. In my room I powered up my phone, reminding me of the dreaded date with Robert.
I hit delete as soon as I saw the private missed call, cursing Jason. Shame hit me as I deleted it. I should save these calls for evidence, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Conjuring Officers Frank's unhelpful face in my mind, I knew I would have to do this on my own.
My silence had to be torturing Jason, removing the control he had become accustomed to must have been driving him insane. Jason played the perfect boyfriend for so long, I was positive he would never break character. The cage he put himself in was my security. He was planning something, but until he could make it happen, he was stuck.
My phone notified me I had missed a call from my dad. Smiling, I hit my voicemail and my dad’s gruff voice rang through as I chewed on my morning Tums. “Hey, baby girl, it’s just me, dad, calling to check on you. I haven’t heard from you in a while; call me when you get a chance. Love you.”
My dad still thought voicemail was like an answering machine. The beginning of his voicemail was always loud, hoping I would hear him, and answer the phone. I was about to call him back when Jet yelled from downstairs.
“Woman, get your ass down here, or I'm coming up there.”
Afraid of what Jet would do if I didn’t hurry, I opted to call my dad later. When Jet saw me, the smile on his face fell.
“Damn, I wanted to come and get you. Kill said you might be naked.”
“Sorry, maybe next time,” I said, patting him on the back as I passed.
Kill came in from moving his car, holding a load of folded laundry. I skipped over and punched him in the arm since he couldn't protect himself.
“What was that for?” he cried out, putting the laundry on the bottom step and rubbing his arm.
“You said she would be naked,” Jet whined, punching Kill in the other arm before running upstairs, “I’m gonna get Amy.”
“Alright, I guess I deserved that.” He winked, taking my hand and pulling me into the kitchen. He snaked his arms around my waist, hoisting me up on the counter. “What would you like for breakfast?” He expanded his arms to encompass the kitchen. “Your wish is my command.”
I stared at him, wondering how many women in Portland, or the U.S. for that matter, had fallen in love with him? Because looking at him, it was impossible not to.
“I can just have a banana and be happy,” I replied, hopping off of the counter.
“You can’t just have a banana. I'm offering to make you food. What's your poison?” He was so eager to make me breakfast I couldn’t deny him, hungry or not.
“Anything I want?” I asked.
“Yep, what would you like?”
“A toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” I replied, smiling at his baffled expression.
“What the hell is that?” he asked, looking around the kitchen with a perplexed expression.
“Just what it sounds like. You make two pieces of toast and then put peanut butter on one side and jelly on the other and squish them together.”
“That's what you want?” he asked, incredulously.
“Yep, it was my favorite thing my dad made me when I was little, and I loved them. In fact, I forgot about them until you made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”
“Where was your mom when this masterpiece was being created?”
“She left when I was four,” I responded. My stomach flipped, being I didn’t normally talk about my flake of a mother.
His eyes went wide, and I readied myself for the pity, but his eyes never expressed it. Instead, they filled with understanding, and my heart fell into his hands, no longer able to hold it back.
“Well, let’s get you breakfast so we can get this show on the road.” He turned around and made two sandwiches, allowing me a second to collect myself after my confession.
When the rest of the boys came in to see what we were eating, they made themselves one too. Except Amy, who refused to eat something that disgusting, as she waggled her licorice stick at us.
Jessie arrived as we were going into the garage. Van opened the door, hugging her tightly and kissing her softly. “Perfect timing, babe. We were just about to practice. Are you ok?” he asked, noticing her pale skin, which made the dark circles under her eyes more prominent.
“Yeah, I think I'm getting sick,” she told him before giving him a reassuring hug. She gave me a tight smile. I could only hope after she purged her secrets, she could move on and emerge from the darkness around her.
The boys had everything set up, and D was beyond energetic. He led me to the microphone where Kill stood. Opening a notebook and setting it to the right page.
“Ok, Faith, this is the first song. We practiced the music for it yesterday. So now all we need to do is fill in your part and tweak it, just like last time. When we have this one down, we'll try the next one.” He turned the page with another song written on it. “Are you ready?” he asked, vibrating with energy, and I wondered if Amy’s candy addiction had claimed another victim.
“She's fine, D. You need to switch to decaf man,” Kill told him, stepping between us and pointing to D’s normal spot.
D shot me a guilty expression. I smiled, trying to convey I was good with his instructions. I read the lyrics, getting acquainted with the words. The song caused my heart to ache. The passion evident in every verse.
The song was a story of someone who felt as if they were unlovable to the world, only wanted for what they could give, but never for who they were.
After I had the lyrics and the lump in my throat under control, I nodded my head, signaling I was ready to begin. Kill motioned for Van to start. I studied the notebook, reading the lyrics and matching the words to the music.
When Kill’s voice broke into my thoughts, I was rendered useless, I fell into the hypnotic trance his voice created. The emotion pouring out of him made me wonder if he felt he was unlovable.
I softly sang my words when it was time. So caught up in Kill, by the end of the song, I was singing right along with him.
We were both tangled in the song's web, until
D came over, breaking our trance by putting his arm around my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “That was awesome. You were perfect. We need to make a few changes, but you sounded spot on.”
Kill’s eyes were sparkling; all the passion of the song had melted off of his face. “Alright, D, stop praising her. You'll give her a big head. Her ego barely fits in this house as it is,” he said grinning.
The exhilaration of singing with him made me giddy, so I couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped me. “My ego would fit just fine if yours didn’t take up every corner of this city.”
D let me go to slap him on the back. “How does it feel to find a girl who doesn’t fall for your bullshit and jump into bed with you?”
Jet answered before Kill could. “D, that boy can find more pussy with his eyes shut than you can with a spotlight and a pussy detector. He doesn’t care that Faith doesn’t want to sleep with him. She's like our little sister.”
“But she isn’t our little sister,” Kill and D said, at the same time.
They looked at each other in surprise. Tension radiated off of them, but it dissolved quickly when they started laughing. Kill punched D lightly on the shoulder, dissipating the rest of the tension.
D rolled his eyes, reverting back to professional mode. “Alright, let’s run through the song again. This time, Faith, let it all out like you did at the end. Ok?” he asked.
“Yep, let’s do this,” I answered, setting my focus back on Kill.
Kill winked at me, and I rolled my eyes. Once we had perfected the song to D’s satisfaction, Amy and Jessie were clapping and whistling. I curtsied at them as D came over to change the notebook to the next song.
Kill nudged D over with his shoulder. “She can turn a page, D. Give her some room.”
I glanced over at him, uncertain why he was so snappy.
“Stop being an ass. I'm just trying to help,” D snarked back. His voice had an edge to it I had never heard before.
Feeling stuck in the middle of something and not really sure what it was, I tried to make light of the situation by snapping right back. “Ok, back up for a second. Let me get familiar with the words,” I replied, not bothering to look at either of them.
Nothing else mattered though when I read the lyrics. Only the black words slashed across the lined white paper existed. They wound their way around my heart until the essence of the song itself was woven into my soul. It was tragic, and my eyes blurred as they filled up with tears.
“Are you ok, Slick?” Kill whispered in my ear. His voice was laced with tension, and I could only nod as I went over the words written in front of me. Kill had filled the page with verses of immense longing, heartache, and love.
It was a journey of someone who had finally found the person that made them whole, but they were too afraid to let them in because everything they touched, they destroyed, and the thought of destroying something so precious was unfathomable. The verses explained they were going to keep a distance, but kept slipping up, just to get a taste of perfection.
“When did you write this?" I asked quietly, since we weren’t alone. None of them were paying attention while I became familiar with the song, but I still didn't want them to overhear.
“The other day," Kill answered, rubbing the back of his neck.
Jet chimed in before I could think of a response. “Are we going to do this shit? I have a hot piece of ass I would like to get into sometime today.”
Amy blew him a kiss that he caught in the air and placed on his crotch.
“Yeah, let’s get this done, I have a hot date.” As soon as the words left my mouth, my face flushed red.
The boys got into their places, Van started the beat slow and heart-wrenching. Kill sang. This time he wasn’t looking at me, and I was relieved because I didn’t think I would be able to have a coherent thought if he thrust those lyrics in my face.
I didn’t break into the song like the last. I listened to where I was supposed to sing, trying to get the emotions lodged in my throat like a dry cracker to go down.
The song ended, and I wanted to drag Kill out of the garage and strip us both naked while I demanded answers. The desire was so strong; I curled my toes into my flip flops and dug my fingernails into my palm so I didn’t act on it.
“Are you ready to step in this time?” D asked, bringing me back to the present. I nodded my head, and D smiled widely.
“Let’s get this shit going,” Jet responded behind me, breaking the strain.
My part was right at the beginning so I got lost in the music sooner than the rest of the songs they'd had me sing. The lyrics ripped me into jagged pieces, and my voice was huskier because of it.
When we finished the first run-through, Kill put his arm around me and pulled me into his side, letting me sag into his strength, as mine was sapped out of me as each word left my mouth.
“Are you up for another round?” he asked, as D, Jet, and Van circled around me to check on me.
Not long after they were surrounding me, Jessie and Amy were in the circle also.
“Man you guys make this look easy, give me a second.” I tried to make my voice sound stronger than what I felt. My stomach was in my throat with my heart, trying to escape because the emotion swelling in me had left no room for anything else, and if I wasn’t careful, all my other organs would follow.
“Are you sure you're ok? You look pale.” D asked, bending so he could look me in the eye.
Kill tightened his grip, and I leaned further into him, wishing everyone would stop looking at me like I was some newly discovered creature.
“She always looks like shit, D,” Kill replied, and a hint of smile appeared on my face when they looked at him with shocked faces. I nudged him to acknowledge he had been successful.
“Kill, that was fucked up! You don't look like shit,” D responded with a horrified expression.
“I would fuck you,” Jet said, trying to make me feel better.
Kill snorted at Jet’s statement. “Dude, you would do anything with a warm hole.” Seeing Amy, Kill began to sputter. “Well, not since you've been tamed.”
Amy sent Jet a salacious look. “I haven’t tamed the beast; he's just too tired to prowl after having me all night,” Amy explained. Jet ran over, hugging Amy as his tongue checked her tonsils.
“Alright, we've finished the TMI portion of this segment, let’s run through the song again,” I said, shrugging out of Kill’s hold.
Jet extricated himself from Amy’s mouth. Van tracked Jessie as she moved away. He shook his head and sat behind his drums looking dejected. D stood in front of me, watching me as I watched Van push his emotions aside. He blinked suddenly before moving to his spot without another word.
“Are you ready, Faith?” Van asked from behind me.
“Yep, let’s rock this,” I replied, with fake confidence. I decided to adopt the saying fake it, until you make it.
Once again, I got sucked into the process of fine tuning the song, not allowing myself to dwell on the lyrics. We got the song where the boys liked it, with my input I might add, which gave me one more reason to love my rock stars in shining armor. They listened to me and considered my opinion, instead of dismissing me immediately.
“Alright, Slick, you are dismissed,” Kill said, grabbing me and pulling me into a hug. The other guys ran over and put their arms around us again.
“You're going to fucking rock it,” Jet said somewhere near my ear, Van and D agreed with him.
They let me go, Kill being the last. His arms lingered on my back longer than necessary, leaving me in chills when he removed himself completely. Jessie stood behind me, and Van was off to the side staring at her like she was something behind glass he wanted to touch, but couldn’t.
I nodded my head over in Van’s direction when I caught Jessie’s eyes, and she looked conflicted. After a few seconds she walked over to him and put her arms around him. Van sighed into her hair.
Jessie's fear of her past was holding her back. I just
hoped after she unloaded her story, it would help her move on. Van was adorable, in a bad boy way, and wouldn’t stay single for long, and it would be her fault if that happened.
“We're going to finish practice, so get your asses out of here,” Kill said next to me, watching the interaction between Van and Jessie. He leaned in and whispered into my ear, causing my knees to go weak, from having his lips so close. “He really likes her. I don’t want him to get hurt.”
I turned around so I could face him. He didn’t move, so our lips were centimeters from each other’s, making mine tingle at their proximity. My brain screamed at me to move. I leaned around his beautifully pouty lips, and reached his ear. “I'll do my best. I don’t want either of them hurt.”
I decided I needed to stop denying myself every pleasure in the world and bit his earlobe before walking toward the door. Kill was right behind me, pulling me into his body. My back was flush with the front of him, and it made moving awkward.
“I'm going for water, anybody want anything?” he asked, ushering me out of the garage, not waiting for anyone to respond.
He abruptly released me when we entered the kitchen. He leaned on the counter with his back facing me. I placed a bottle of water in front of him. He uncapped it and downed half of it in one drink.
“Ok, have fun with Jessie,” Kill said, walking back to the garage, not once looking at me.
What the fuck just happened? I was about to storm out to the garage and ask him what the hell that was all about, when Jessie walked into the kitchen oblivious to my inner turmoil.
“Ready to go?”
“Let me change, and I'll be down in a second.”
I took my clothes from the pile on the bottom step and ran upstairs. I hurried to meet Jessie back in the kitchen.
“Let's take two cars,” Jessie said.
I took the alone time to give my dad a call and check on him. “Hello,” Martha answered the phone and my mood lightened happy, my dad had someone to keep him company and in line.
“Hi Martha. I was calling to check in with dad, so he doesn’t send out the search team.”
